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Thread: Into and Out of Hiding

  1. #31
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    Izvilvin's Avatar

    Name
    Izvilvin Kazizzrym
    Age
    86
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    Drow
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    Furious alternating slashes kept the spider's legs bleeding, but the wounds seemed to be taking no effect. Onward and onward it came, coming closer every time to crushing the dancing drow beneath its legs. He was fast, though, and possessed unparalleled stamina - he would not stop.

    Izvilvin had become a being of pure instinct, moving in response to the commands of his body as if there was not a thought filtering process. The world had become a series of swirling colors as he dodged kicks, bites and poisonous spit. The city had finally rallied, Scara Brae's limited surviving military and wizards taking their shots when they could.

    The spider had slowed, but showed no sign of stopping. Lillian's furious stab caught both the spider and Izvilvin by surprise, as neither had noticed her ascent. As it writhed in agony, thrashing about in rage, it shook the drow's weapon strap loose and down to the ground between them.

    Focused as he was, Izvilvin's trance was shattered when he was struck by one of the spider's legs, launched a few feet backward onto the ground. He groaned and tried to rise, but the descending leg of the beast forced him to roll once more, but just a few feet. As the appendage crashed into the stone, Izvilvin drive Icicle deep into it, hot blood squirting out and over the icy blade.

    The beast roared and reered back, giving Izvilvin a brief but clear glimpse at what was happening behind it. Two boats were trying to pull out to sea, strange string attached to the back of the monster. It was happening slowly, but the spider was being dragged backward into the open water.

    Its attack against the drow was halted then, as the spider's entire focus was on remaining on the land. All eight of its legs dug firmly into the ground, but the steam-powered ships were taking it inch by inch. Determination burning in his heart, Izvilvin found new vigor and rose, rushing up to the creature and retrieving the embedded Icicle.

    He slashed and stabbed mercilessly at its maw, aiming for the eyes, the mandibles, anything that was near. Screeching and trying to bite him, the spider surrendered more of its focus and it was slowly dragged into the sea until only its head remained on the shore. The spiders on its back had been trying to reach the boats, too single-minded to try and detach the webs, too single-minded to find a way to avoid the water. As a result, they milled about on their master's back like lost followers of a cult that was losing its leader.

    When all seemed to be won, the spider-god went for broke. Rising up with every inch of power it could muster, each leg shot forth to grasp the land, smashing the docks to find footholds. Even the creature's face rested hard against the grassy shore, mandibles buried in the ground.

    Izvilvin had opened dozens of wounds on its face, but each slash was met with resistance from the spider's thick skin. Now, though, with the soaking wet spider-god only two feet from him, Izvilvin sheathed Icicle and lifted Mjolnir over his head in preparation.

    Then, with all the power he could muster, the drow buried the electric blade deep within what was left of the spider's nearest eye, hilt-deep.

    One with the spider's blood-curdling scream, thunder roared. Between the deluge of rain and the chilling sea, Mjolnir pumped waves of lightning through the spider's body, smoldering its organs, bubbling the liquid poison inside, causing smoke to billow into the rain as it escaped the monster's eyes.

    Slowly the cry died and Izvilvin placed a boot against the spider's face, prying his blade free as its resistance faded. The spider was dragged into the water where its body slowly drifted.

    On its back, so many of the tiny creatures had nowhere to go. As their master's body sunk down more and more, they went with it, not a one of them trying to escape their fate.

    Moments later, with the cheers of the entire island shaking his bosy, Izvilvin stood in the pouring rain before the sea, Mjolnir burning the spider's blood off of its blade. He watched as the boat crews removed the webs from their vessels. His eyes drifted lazily along the water, looking for a sign of a brave girl. Seeing none, he turned to walk toward a familiar form.

    Izvilvin knew the half-elf was a figure from his past, but only did he recall. "A long time has passed," he greeted Anenfel, who looked no worse for wear than he did. The drow didn't want to admit that he had long forgotten the warrior's name. "I am happy we met again as friends."

    The city's citizens were congregating near their location by the port, where long rows of earth had been dug deep into the gravel. It would be a while before the city could fully recover, so much death had been dealt. For now there was celebration and mourning, and the reunion of two Citadel companions. Only now did Izvilvin realize how much had changed over the last few years.

    The aches of his wounds returned with the loss of adrenaline. Izvilvin sheathed Mjolnir without taking his eyes off of Anenfel, a man who, in another life, would have been his racial enemy.
    Last edited by Izvilvin; 03-24-08 at 01:29 AM.

  2. #32
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    Vampiric Angel's Avatar

    Name
    Anenfel Saendithas
    Age
    54
    Race
    Half-Elf
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Light Brown
    Eye Color
    Pale Green
    Build
    5'10"/172lbs.
    Job
    Do-gooder

    Anenfel tried as hard as he could to open his eyes, the irresistable urge to snap them shut ever-present. He had grown tired of yelling and merely cringed against the nausea that slowly began to take him over. How pitiful it would look to lose one's lunch all over one's opponent. But the thought itself had a split-second smirk curling at the edges of the half-elf's lips.

    Finally finding the willpower to open his eyes, the wayfarer saw a landscape of blurred motion before him, but he suspected it an effect of the spider-god's wild flailing. He saw Lillian, skulking and sneaking her way across the spider's back, a multitude of weapons joining her. Anenfel didn't know how the young girl had scaled the the large form, but seeing her there nonetheless sent his heart beating even swifter.

    He watched as she worked some eldritch power around her and her weapons. Black, shadowy tendrils that wrapped themselves and intertwined as if they were alive. Slowly the weapons were pulled by the tendrils, just above the god's numerous eyes. With a bestial sneer she sent them flying into the spider's face.

    A pained, shrill shriek filled the wayfarer's hearing and he began to yell anew. For not only had the spider-god mercifully ceased its flailing, it had sent its limb barreling down back to the slick cobblestone beneath. He tried desperately to pull Dawntracker free, screaming with every pull, and only when working in conjunction with the arc of the spider's limb, the force of the thrust, and one final pull was Dawntracker released -- sending Anenfel soaring back seventy-five yards.

    He crashed into a merchants stand and his world went black. He could still feel the rain beat against his head. He could still hear the roars of battle and the spider's pained howls sound in his ear. Then he realized a weight pushed against him and he struggled to lift his hand and tear it away. It took several moments, but he freed himself from the heavy darkness, and upon further inspection, found it to be a rain-soaked tarp.

    The half-elf's attention was pulled back to the spider-god as it slowly succumbed to being dragged into the ocean by a small fleet of ships; with quite a bit of coaxing from Izvilvin and his magical blades. Anenfel looked at the substance connecting the god to the ships and noticed it was the same as the thread Lillian had used earlier to strike at the giant beast.

    "Clever girl," he heard himself say with a smile of admiration. Thunder clashed into the rain-filled air, and the beast was no more, taking its foul ilk with it. Slowly there rose a cacophonous noise of joy and relief. Citizens and guards alike began to celebrate, their seafaring brothers doing the same as they tended their ships.

    Anenfel scanned the crowd seeing various peoples, the large burly bartender from The Sea's Salt being one of them. Black blood stained the blades of his axe, his armor and various places on his skin. But other than that, it seemed he survived the battle relatively unscathed. The half-elf continued his scan and noticed Izvilvin, white hair matted to his dark skin, walking his way. Anenfel smiled, Dawntracker held down loosely at his side. The honorable drow greeted Anenfel, and the wayfarer was genuinely surprised at his friends grasp of the Common tongue.

    "Indeed," he replied. "It seems fate deemed our paths to cross once more, if only just." Anenfel sheathed his blade as his eyes fell upon Izvilvin's. "You must have gone through much to obtain such weapons. A journey rittled with many perils. Perhaps a rematch is in order?" Anenfel smiled a wry grin, drudging up the old short-term rivalry the two had shared as combatants in the Citadel.

    The rain slowly relented as the dark clouds began to pass and gave way to the rising sun. The wayfarer smiled at the wondrous sight, as a rainbow lightly arced above them all. The sun bathed his face in warmth and he inhaled deeply the moist air.

    Father...
    were you watching?
    Last edited by Vampiric Angel; 03-11-08 at 04:03 PM.
    Current Threads:
    Kindred Blades

    Finished Threads:
    Into and Out of Hiding (60)
    The Inn-Keeper's Daughter (50)
    A second venture into the Citadel (55)


    W/L/D
    0/1/0


    'I am dying.

    Every day, with every breath I draw, I am closer to the end of my life. For we are born with a finite number of breaths, and each one I take edges the sunlight that is my life toward the inevitable dusk.'

    -- Drizzt Do’Urden

  3. #33
    Member
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    Ataraxis's Avatar

    Name
    Lillian Sesthal
    Age
    23
    Race
    Apparently Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Silky Black
    Eye Color
    Eerie Blue
    Build
    5'7" / ?? lbs.

    After the wet chills that had pelted her this night, the warmth of a tallow candle and a dry blanket was a welcome sensation. When she had let her eyelids succumb to the weight of weariness, she fell into a great haze, began to feel everything through a deep filter; to feel everything as though she had never emerged from the tumultuous sea, as though she’d kept sinking further and further down into the lightless, soundless depths. Sometimes, she could hear snippets of words that made no sense, all their substance lost to the indifferent gloom that governed her world. But then, a warmth came to her like the touch of soft, familiar hand. It swathed her, wrapped her like a newborn child and cradled her, gently nipping at her nose and cheeks to trawl her out of this dangerous torpor. She’d felt the candlelit warmth all along, but only now could she see its faint halo soak her eyes like sweet and fragrant waves of marmalade. 'What a strange, soothing image...'

    Suddenly, the warm crown of sunset gold shrank in the distance. There was a bobbing beneath her, the harsh bounces of a hurried step. Her eyes strained, struggled to open further; she could make out a blurry deck, a sloping ledge, and then the rain-slicked boardwalks of the pier. Sunlight permeated her eyes, stinging more than they had ever before. Ironically, she’d never welcomed it more than in this very moment.

    “Heavens, lass. I was afraid you’d never wake up.” The voice belonged to the same captain she’d seen after her dive in the waters, laden with a great worry that was only just making way for relief. “Don’t try and move too much, you’re tied up like a ham in manilla paper.” Wearily, she looked down at her body, cinched within the felt wraps of a blanket a blanket that, she realized, brushed directly against her skin. Had all the blood not chilled to a stop inside her veins, she would’ve gone carnelian-red from the situation. “I’m taking you to the clinic down the road. It’d be embarassing for you to survive that beast of a spider only to croak from a hard sneeze.”

    “Wai…wait,” Lillian started meekly, seeing hazy but familiar shapes coming closer from the dockside. The captain shook his head, his refusal a gruff and guttural utterance. “Wait.” It was the same word, the same, weak voice, but the childish innocence was nowhere to be heard the second time; it instilled a void in his heart, as if it had just given him a terrible glimpse of the infinite emptiness that sat in sneering silence at the edge of the world, at the end of the seas. The hurried scissoring of his legs came to a stop and he looked at the small face that bobbed limply on his shoulder. His eyes may have aged ten years in that fleeting instant, but hers shone with a terrible bleakness, like eons that had long lost all interest in the dull flow of time. “Please.”

    The sailor obliged. She nudged him toward the two silhouettes, those of the Drow and the elfin man. “Hi again,” she said with a tired cheer, the struggle against unsciousness clear on her expression. “I never caught your names… but thank you. So many people owe you both their lives, and I among them.” The captain said nothing, but was almost frustrated at her boundless modesty; she’d included herself among the saved rather than the saviors, and truly believed that was her rightful place. It was maddening: how could such a clever child be so dense?

    “This whole day has been an counfounding mess, and whatever that monstrous... thing was or what it wanted is far beyond me.” The teenager paused to catch a breath, but she was also pulling back words she knew might have alarmed both men. Beyond me, but I intend to find out soon. She slowly shook her head, then turned a wan smile to the duo. “I think there’s going to be a celebration. There’s enough food, what with all the electrocuted fish, belly-up in the waters.”

    The statement was leading up to a question, but even after all this, she was too shy to ask it outright. It didn’t help that she’d fainted once more, right then, from a slightly heightened heartbeat. “She’s still weak; I’ll leave her to the hands of professionals they’re right down this path. She’d probably like to hear those names, one day or another.” Letting the two warriors tie the ends together, he ambled off, his legs having finally thawed from the glacial cold that had overcome them.

    Somewhere behind him, the captain heard a young boy, just as he stepped out of his home's shelter. “It’s her! I saw it! She’s the girl who fought the spider in a tug-o-war and won!” A wave of wonder rolled from the mouths of other children who'd done the same. The wording was a bit of an exaggeration, but that was fine to the sailor's ears. From the rising murmurs in the nearby crowds, from the people who’d heard the children chatter about things far bigger than themselves, he predicted that the teenage girl might just awake to a Scara Brae she'd never known. 'Awake to the city’s clamors, awake as one of its fateful heroes.'

    Somehow, he knew that something like that wouldn't change this girl the least bit. Looking up at the bow of colors that greeted the skies above, then back down to the sleeping child on his back, the captain smiled despite himself. 'She looks the kind who'd much rather wake up to a nice sun and rainbows.'

    Out of Character:
    I'll hopefully post a conclusion later, but if I can't come up with anything fitting, then this will be it!

    Edit: This'll be my conclusion after all. Next quest, we'll be finding out about the spider god's nature in a whirlwind adventure!

    Spoils:

    The ability to manage multiple streams of thought simultaneously: it basically accelerates the speed of problem-solving, and it's really just an IC skill for flavor. It's not something she does on command, but in stressful situations that require quick thinking, it will be more likely to activate.

    3 Vials of the Spider God's Blood: While Lillian recovered her weapons from the creature's carcass, she also gleaned some of its ichor for analysis.

    1 Eye of the Spider God: She also took out the only eye that was still relatively intact from her assault.

    And uh, Bonus XP? Yes? No? Maybe?
    Last edited by Ataraxis; 04-08-08 at 05:56 PM.

  4. #34
    Member
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    Izvilvin's Avatar

    Name
    Izvilvin Kazizzrym
    Age
    86
    Race
    Drow
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    Male
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    Purple
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    "Perils I'd hesitate to tell," Izvilvin said in his native tongue, quickly realizing that he'd spoken to himself. "Another battle in the Citadel," he wondered aloud, eyelids drooping halfway closed. "Some day, perhaps."

    It was the last thing he wanted to think about. It seemed like the longer Izvilvin's life went on, the more battles he waged, the more memories of friends and family gave way to the memories of war. The blood of foes replaced the blood of kin, often leaving the drow lamenting fallen comrades whose names he could not remember, yet whose dying faces he recalled vividly.

    Behind him lay a trail of wreckage and death. Even now, as swarms of Scara Brae's citizens rushed the port, to witness the aftermath, the destruction clawed into the earth by the spider and those who lived after battling it up close, Izvilvin thought only of the black blood that stained his skin and clothes. He could not wash away the violence.

    "I envy the human in you," he mused aloud. Humanity's cities teemed with life and joy, focused on leisure and spirit rather than Ettermire's cold focus on war and industry, Fallien's cultural roots and hierarchy.

    Searching within himself, Izvilvin felt none of the warmth that past friendships had brought him. Beneath his ebony skin was the cold marrow of a warrior with no home, flesh chilled by the seeping absorption of the rain. Conscience did not a person make. Conscience only made his decisions impact him less.

    Lillian, breathing still (against all odds), was ushered their way. She looked the role of a walking undead, turned frigid blue by the heartless tide, perhaps spooked in the wake of what had just happened. Her flesh looked only a hue brighter than the sea, backdropped infinitely behind her as Izvilvin looked her over.

    "Celebration," he mouthed, but did not say. The idea would have spurred some life into him, only a year ago. Now it was an idea repelled by his hardened shell, the part of him that feared contact with people he knew would die if they were close to him.

    He decided he would stay the night in the clinic, at the very least, and partake in whatever celebration was whipped up. More importantly, it would be the last such gathering he would endure for some time. Fallien, Corone, and now Scara Brae had become places where Izvilvin simply could not keep a low profile.

    Releasing a drawn-out sigh, the drow began his slow limp toward the clinic, to a clean bed and a long night of rest. He ignored any kind of attention he was given, too closed off from the world to want the attention.

    ((So we can either conclude here or write another post each, or something. I know I like to avoid the 'and the next day...' posts as much as possible, but it's up to you folks. I say Lillian and Iz carry on for at least one more quest. I has some ideas.))

  5. #35
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    Vampiric Angel's Avatar

    Name
    Anenfel Saendithas
    Age
    54
    Race
    Half-Elf
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Light Brown
    Eye Color
    Pale Green
    Build
    5'10"/172lbs.
    Job
    Do-gooder

    Two weeks later...

    Not many images had brought tears to his pale green eyes, but when looking upon this one, there was no way to hold them back. He stood alone in a quiet grove, no too far off the main road to Scara Brae, the sun beating down upon his head. A light breeze blew through the trees and rustled the leaves that had found their way to the ground. In the middle of that grove stood a statue, standing tall and proud: a statue of his father.

    The wood elf had his hands at his hips, one leg bent as it rested on a stone. A sword was sheathed on his weapons belt and a bow laid peacefully on his shoulder. The detail was extraordinary, made by the finest stoneworker of Scara Brae. Every strand of hair, whether braided or adorned with a stray feather, looked real, as if Anenfel expected it to return to its auburn color and his father jump down from the pedestal he stood upon.

    A smile covered the elf's face, a smile that, Anenfel knew all to well, could make a woman's knees buckle and swoon. The craftsman even somehow managed to capture his demeanor with that smile, the suggestive look he would give everyone he knew; one eyebrow raised slightly above the other. The small notches in his leather armor, the scar he had on the underside of his left forearm, it was all there. A fitting tribute, the wayfarer thought.

    Slowly his eyes found the pedestal itself and the words engraved upon the plaque that had been placed in the center.

    "Shadows may fall and the threat of death may linger, but only one's strength and courage can cast the light upon your heart."
    -Renthilar Saendithas, protector and friend.

    Anenfel nearly cried all the more when he read the last line on the plaque, "He will be missed.", for he knew it to be true.

    * * * * *

    Anenfel couldn't have been more amazed by the resilience the peoples of Scara Brae held even if he tried. Two weeks had passed and almost all the damage the combined forces of the goblin and spider forces had reaked upon the city was nearly repaired.

    The half-elf went out of his way to visit the new and improved, Sea's Salt, which had quickly become one of the best establishments in the city. When speaking with the innkeeper, he noted on many occasions how he had meant to repair the stairs and add on a few rooms, but just never had the time or the money. But with the spider-god crushing the tavern under foot, the Queen had offered to pay for its rebuilding, to which, of course, the innkeeper kindly accepted.

    After having a quick drink, Anenfel found himself on the streets once again. The people that passed him by giving him a quick nod or even a pat on the back. Although his contribution to the battle had been minimal, it seemed his name had become rather well-known. He passed by a local clinic, a clinic that he had visited to be rid of the venom that a spider's bite had graced him with.

    The only reason he stood there to this day was because of Hadley. If it were not for his quick thinking and magical potion, he'd be dead. Luckily, after the battle, Anenfel was able to return the favor by getting him down from the building he had been flung into and rushed to the very same clinic. He recovered well enough, though now he walked with a slight limp.

    The wayfarer made his way to the Scarabrian Guard's headquarters and found Hadley standing leisurely by the entrance. The warrior mage smiled as he saw Anenfel approach.

    "You still here," he said, "I thought you would have left with the other heroes."

    Anenfel laughed, he was no hero. "They have their path, and I have mine." For in truth, if he had wished it, he could have left with the pair. But he knew his place now, he knew where he belonged.

    "Oh?" Hadley replied joking, "And where exactly does that path lead? To the next barmaid?" Anenfel smiled as he thought of the more intimate attention he had been getting.

    "No," he said lightly. He walked up and into the entrance of the building, just past the sandy-haired guard and replied, "I'm here to put in my application."
    Current Threads:
    Kindred Blades

    Finished Threads:
    Into and Out of Hiding (60)
    The Inn-Keeper's Daughter (50)
    A second venture into the Citadel (55)


    W/L/D
    0/1/0


    'I am dying.

    Every day, with every breath I draw, I am closer to the end of my life. For we are born with a finite number of breaths, and each one I take edges the sunlight that is my life toward the inevitable dusk.'

    -- Drizzt Do’Urden

  6. #36
    Maul-Slayer
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    Breaker's Avatar

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    Joshua Breaker Cronen
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    Ageless (looks 28)
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    Demigod (human)
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    Light Brown
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    Judgement for Into and Out of Hiding

    Story

    Continuity: 5.5


    Izvilvin: You started this thread off well. Iz's presence in Scara Brae was explained and justified. I also liked the way you tied the story off. Even if Iz doesn't have much of an opinion on Scara Brae itself, there are elements of it that should be on his mind. Where could an assassin potentially be hiding? Will he be able to escape through the crowd if attacked?

    Vampiric Angel: I needed more information from you. You told me Anenfel was returning to Scara Brae, but from where, and why? You could have made it clearer in your first post that the dead man was his father . Also-- Larissa! She came out of nowhere at the beginning of your first post then vanished halfway through the thread. If you're going to introduce an NPC, please pay attention to them.

    Whiteshadow: I didn't know what you were doing in Scara Brae, except being a vigilante. Also, you fell out of the thread partway through. Bad form, old chap.

    Ataraxis: Like Iz, you did this very well. You made it plain why Lillian was where she was, and what she wanted. Good job to you and Iz both for pulling this score up.

    Setting: 6.5

    Izvilvin: When you paid attention to the setting, your description and interaction was great. The key to improvement here is consistently being aware of the setting. You mentioned Iz's superior sight and hearing a few times. What does he pick up that the rest of us might miss?

    Vampiric Angel: Generally you did well here. Most of the time you kept up with the setting, but be careful how you describe it. One thing that jarred me a little is when you said that Brokenthorn Forest sat. To my mind forests normally sprawl, or stretch. Be a little more selective in your language and your descriptions will really flourish.

    Whiteshadow: You didn't give me much at all here. See everyone else's comments, and think about where your character is. For your first few posts Eternium walked along the rooftops, and I never knew if the roofs were thatch, tile, slate, or banana peels.

    Ataraxis: This is one of the categories you dominated, and really pulled the overall score up. The best suggestion I can give you is don't overdo it. Unless what you're describing is something that really catches Lillian's attention, you don't need to describe it three different ways. Pick your favourite and stick to that. Also, if you find you've got more than three adjectives in a sentence, consider throwing in a describing verb instead. But overall, my hat is off to you.

    Pacing: 6

    Izvilvin: You really controlled the story in this aspect. The initial attack caught me off guad-- a little more forshadowing would have helped the mob of spiders and goblins seem less random. Once the battle began though, you kept things moving by making it rain, introducing the spider god etc. Good job in playing the role of the QM.

    Vampiric Angel: Your writing tends to drag sometimes. Avoid repeating words and dwelling on unecessary details. When you edit your work, read it out loud and you'll notice some of your sentences are awkward sounding. By re-arranging a few words you could fix this problem. Otherwise, good job keeping up with the story.

    Whiteshadow: I hate to say it, but when you dropped out of the story, it almost didn't make a difference. Try to have your character impact the world around him, and vice versa. And don't drop out of threads.

    Ataraxis: Sometimes you need to cut down on post length a bit. When the story starts moving quickly, avoid going into huge describing paragraphs. Still, you made things happen. The trick is to not always pad the events so much.

    Character

    Dialogue: 5

    Izvilvin: When Iz did talk, it usually did a great job of portraying his character. That said, he doesn't do much talking. Try using some inner dialogue to flesh this section out a little. The italics are your friends. Keep in mind that inner dialogue can be much more than just Iz dictating his actions. It can be an effective way to make observations, give opinions on events and other characters, and show Iz's true colors.

    Vampiric Angel: You use inner dialogue, but not effectively. Most of Anenfel's thoughts were anticlimactic and/or repeating information I had already received. Also, most of your external dialogue seemed badly placed. A bartender tending to a busy room is asking about his feelings? The city is being attacked and he's arguing with Larissa? In the heat of combat he's making friends? It's important to put your dialogue in situations where people would actually carry on conversations.

    Whiteshadow: Your dialogue was spontaneous and cliched. Was it really Eternium's business to ask Iz why he's in Scara Brae? And his city? What makes it his city?

    Ataraxis: Good job here. You used dialogue effectively, and it consistently represented Lillian's character. To make it even more effective, describe Lillian's body language while she's talking.

    Action: 6

    Izvilvin: Very solid work. That battle scene was long, but you managed to keep Iz's actions fresh and original throughout. He fought like what he is; a highly skilled drow.

    Vampiric Angel: You were patchy here. In post 18 your character was drunkenly throwing himself at the enemy. By post 21 he somehow made his way to being cornered with his back to the ocean. Also, you kept describing the spiders and goblins as being clumsy, which struck me as odd. Considering the amount he drank, shouldn't Anenfel be the clumsy one? It would've been neat to see him falling down and accidentally avoiding being hit. Also, avoid being needlessly specific. He soared 75 yards? I'd rather hear a description of what he flew over, and what was going through his mind all that time.

    Whiteshadow: I didn't see anything in your profile that suggested your character should be hopping from, to, and off rooftops. Play your character to their abilities, not above.

    Ataraxis: I loved the cleverness of Lillian's actions. This ties into setting, but the way she used the exploding barrel, the rain filled canopy and the ships to end it was brilliant. This was a perfect example of a less-combative character finding ways to help out in a fight. The best way for you to improve here is to use less description during action sequences. When Lillian is fighting, try having her only notice/react to things that are directly innvolved in the action. Also, it's prefectly alright to write some sentences without commas and semicolons.

    Persona: 5.5

    Izvilvin: You didn't spend much time describing Iz's persona, but that worked seeing as how he seems to be a pretty stoic guy. The way he ignored Eternium and talked to people without looking at them really dripped persona; good job. On the other hand, I would have liked to see a bit more emotion from him at the beginning of the thread.

    Vampiric Angel: Anenfel was a little inconsitent. At first it seemed he really cared about Larissa, enough that her opinion about his drinking mattered. Then when she disapeared (possibly crushed by a spider god?) he didn't react whatsoever. The stuff about his father was good, but a tad overdone at times.

    Whiteshadow: Eternium didn't have a personality, as far as I could see. Vigilantes are normally really cool characters because they have some dark reason for doing what they do. Eternium just kind of... existed.

    Ataraxis: I don't know what to tell you. You really, really shone in this area. I must sound like a broken record, but the only way I can really tell you to improve is find a way to say more with less text.

    Writing Style

    Technique: 6


    Izvilvin: When you use devices, they're terrific. All I can say is give me more. Whenever a description runs more than a sentence or two, look for places to infuse metaphors.

    Vampiric Angel: Same as Izivilvin. You had a few (the thing about abstaining from alcohol like a enunich in a harem made me laugh) that were great, and a few that were not so great. Choose your words carefully when you're making comparisons.

    Whiteshadow: I really didn't see much from you here. Any literary devices you know woud help your writing a lot.

    Ataraxis: See Izvilvin's comment. You do pretty well already, but I think a few more metaphors and similes could help crunch those big meaty paragraphs.

    Mecanics: 7

    General: Everyone's posts were quite well edited. A few errors that spellchecks miss, but nothing that really slowed me down. There is one point I would like you all to pay attention to though.

    Passive voice. I know a lot of you guys like using it. But in action sequences (and about three quarters of this thread was a big action sequence) passive voice really drags. I'll put an example in here. The bold text is my (quick and shoddy) changing of the passive voice instances to active.
    The distraction was the third of what would be several in a row, but the drow was gaining no ground against the multiple foes. Rather, he was slowly retreating toward the vulnerable humans of Scara Brae. The alley's dead end was a sheer wall of stone, impossible for any but the elf himself to climb - and they were approaching it.
    The drow used the distraction several times, but could gain no ground against the multiple foes. Rather, he retreated slowly toward the vulnerable humans of Scara Brae. The alley's dead end rose in a sheer wall of stone, impossible for any but the elf himself to climb- and it grew closer with every step.
    Most of the time it's as simple as re-arranging the words in your sentence so that using "was", "were" and other instances of "to be" become unecessary. This keeps your verbs strong and keeps the flow of battle rapid.

    Clarity: 5.5

    General: Avoid unecessary description, especially in battle. Use active voice to keep the action interesting. Try not to use words (excluding necessary ones like 'the') more than once in a paragraph. Use thesaurus.com if necessary. Don't be afraid to write sentences without commas and semicolons in them.

    Wild Card: 7

    Whiteshadow's disapearance hurt your score quite a bit, but kudos to the rest of you for persevearing and keeping the thread fairly interesting. The high wild card score is because when that big spider arrived, I wasn't sure how you would take it out. The method used was highly entertaining and original. Congratulations!

    Total Score: 60

    EXP and GP Rewards

    Izvilvin receives 2700 EXP and 400 GP!
    Vampiric Angel receives 650 EXP and 400 GP!
    Whiteshadow receives 300 EXP and 50 GP!
    Ataraxis receives 1650 EXP and 200 GP!

    Other Rewards

    Spoils: Lilliana Sesthal receives her (albeit weird and creepy) requested spoils!
    ... They fell to him as prey to bluefin
    for the Jya's warriors knew not how to swim...
    13-3-2

    I wrote a book! ~ Most Suave Character 2010

  7. #37
    Memento Mori
    EXP: 53,567, Level: 9
    Level completed: 96%, EXP required for next level: 433
    Level completed: 96%,
    EXP required for next level: 433
    GP
    7,248
    Witchblade's Avatar

    Name
    Witchblade
    Age
    Unknown
    Race
    Unknown
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black, like her soul
    Eye Color
    Crimson
    Build
    5'9 / 130lbs
    Job
    Murderer

    EXP and GP added!
    Do you ever Feel like a Monster?

    Do you dare to read The Diary of the Dead

    Have you seen my Hollow Daydreams
    Or listened to this Serenade of Haunting Voices
    Pray for The Heart I Once Had
    Then grant A Rose For The Dead'

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