Rise of the Underground

[Rayse Valentino]

The rest of the day in Knife's Edge passed with murmurs and whispers. The archers had found their fallen brother, but knowing the lack of pay, the shame they suffered at actually killing their incompetent employer instead of their target, and the news of their precision being unreliable, they kept their activities that day quiet. They looted the body of Legaias Kenrick and swiped the entire affair under the rug. Throughout the city, news of both Kenrick's and Kenrick Jr's deaths spread. Who was responsible? An unknown assailant. People knew of the crumbling empire of Kenrick, and of the enemies Bale Kenrick has made throughout the years. Much to Bishop Draklira's dismay, the government seized Kenrick's fortress, uncovering his treacherous business. The secret safe in his office, however, was empty.

* * * *

As Stefan Tyray adjusted his mask in the mirror, a knock came on his door.

"I've been expecting you," he said, his voice sinister and calm.

The door opened and a man came in, dropping to one knee as Tyray faced him.

"Sir, Bale Kenrick and his son have been assassinated."

"Anything else?"

"N-no, sir."

"Then you may leave."

The informant, surprised by Tyray's lack of enthusiasm, immediately left and closed the door behind him.

"Hmm," Tyray chortled in amusement, "And I thought you were so protective of that brat."

* * * *

A shifty-eyed, hooded assassin stood in the office of Lord Bartholomew. It was the one from The Knife Den, the one who saw Teric and Rayse meet.

"I believe... it may have been that man," he announced in a low, raspy voice.

"I never thought he would actually succeed!" Fatman yelled, taking out his aggression on the hooded man, "But... it was Kenrick, after all. There's simply no way he can get any of the others. He is still as good as dead."

Fatman twiddled his mustache between two fingers, wondering, "Still, it wouldn't hurt to be careful."

* * * *

Unknown to the great crime lords, a greater power was guiding the forces in this world. The coming conflict would consume them all, no matter how much power they had. The rest of the day was spent in relative peace, but the winds of change were already sweeping the frozen nation. Starting tomorrow, Salvar would never be the same again.

End of Part 1.

[Call me J]

Guys, this was a really good job. I really loved a lot of things about this quest. I was a bit disappointed when I crunched the numbers and saw it only at 79 seeing as 80 is the “leet” number, but my own scoring aside, I believe this thread was as leet as leet can get. Though I will talk about this issue more, I really like what you did in terms of building up your story in the FQ. Many of the FQ threads either seem like “Character’s story that relates to the FQ” or “the FQ story featuring Character.” This thread really felt like Rayse and Teric’s story in the FQ. Well done guys.

Total Score- 79

• STORY ~ 23/30

Continuity (10) ~ I really liked the way that you used the FQ in this thread. A while ago, Madison and I were talking about how it was unfortunate that people will only use the FQ as “writing prompts,” but you really did a great job using the FQ to make a story that came out of your head that much better. This is exactly the kind of thread that justifies having an FQ in the first place.

Setting (6) ~ My only problem here was that the setting seemed to be a bit all over the place in terms of what kind of a universe it was that we were talking about here. Personally, I’m not a stickler for everything being 100% authentic Salvarian, but a story cannot function without a setting that is inherently consistent within itself. This was the biggest weakness of this thread.

Pacing (7) ~ There were a few low points in here, for most of this quest past the introduction it seems that you were relying on intrigue to suck the reader in, and for the most part, you had me. There were a few lulls in there here and there,

• CHARACTER ~ 25/30

Dialogue (9) ~ The dialogue in here was very strong and character consistent, the only reason I didn’t score it any higher, is because I like to see dialogue that is more memorable.

Action (6) ~ The only reason this is low was because I had a lot of trouble understanding why Rayse took the job in the first place. Normally, I wouldn’t knock off this many points for a single issue, but this was a whopping big issue that kept coming up again and again in the thread.

Persona (10) ~ I really liked the interactions between Teric and Rayse. The initial scene of the negotiation really gave me a good idea of who the two of the characters were. I also really liked the way that NPCs in this thread were given character, but were used to help flesh out the characters of the protagonists even more.

• WRITING STYLE ~ 23/30

Mechanics (9) ~ I noticed a mistake here and there, which means you don’t get a 10, but because none of them were big deals, you get a 9.

Technique (7) ~ I don’t know if this has suddenly become a popular device, but this is the second time I’ve seen someone break the fourth wall in the past week, though I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen it before. In this case, it was used to inject humor, in a way that was a bit cute, but grossly perfunctory. The fourth wall is a very powerful device, and when used unnecessarily, it really changes the color of the whole thread. Rayse, I understand you wanted to inject some humor into this, but it didn’t really come off.

Clarity (7) ~ I found the jumps in POV to be a bit confusing at times.

• Wild Card (8) ~ Though I put most of my gushing in continuity on this issue already, I want to say that I really loved what you guys did here.

Spoils
Rayse Valentino receives 6315 EXP and 995 GP
Bloodrose receives 4893 EXP and 950 GP

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!

Rayse hits level 3! Bloodrose makes level 2