Hunter's Eve Saga 1. ((Re-attempt))

[Mutant_Lorenor]

A battle suddenly began. The duo was waylaid by a group of something out of one of the ancient history books Lorenor often saw back in the town of Ithermoss. The ghoul remembered reading about a group of people called goblins and was actually surprised when he saw them standing before him in the flesh. "Goblins.." Lorenor whispered the crude term. In reality the little green buggers were something else. Something far more sinister.

Feeling a burst of archaic energy, Lorenor shot a gaze towards Alex's person as he saw the next moment in time. His memory froze and the world seemed to slow down as she shot the rock attack towards a group of the goblins immediately in front of her. The mystically conjured boulder slammed straight away into one of the goblins and completely crushed it. Lorenor flinched when he saw such a powerful display of magics. Once again he saw the potential of dollar signs for keeping the girl around. She would be very useful to his personal monetary gains even if Alex didn't quite see it yet. Lorenor saw the potential there. He saw that she'd been slammed back as a result of some invisible recoil that afflicted her body.

Lorenor moved immediately in between her fallen person and the goblins, leaping forward with his weapon drawn. Lorenor expertly drew John Mattis' sword from its scabbard and prepared to fend off the group of goblins that were before him. They were short, that would be a problem considering his own height. Lorenor only stood two heads above the little guys and was built small like they were. Lorenor's own muscle structure was that of a lean physique rather than a muscle-bound freak of nature.

The first group of goblins immediately made their way to attack the ghoul. They cackled and called to one another in a strange language consisting of gutterral calls and clicks from the stomach. Lorenor found it at once disgusting and beautiful. The ghoul swung out powerfully with his sword and managed to catch the first two goblins completely off guard. Quick incisions to the gut were made as entrails fell to the ground. The little creatures screamed in agony cursing the ghoul's existence. The others observed the small warrior's attack and prepared their weapons. Danger was in their eyes as they hungered for Lorenor and Alex's blood. Lorenor was all that stood between them and Alex. One of the tiny warriors swung towards the ghoul and he swung with a counter attempt. Their two swords met comically at the center of an arched movement. The ghoul heard the clang of steel and frowned at the level of skill the goblin had with his weapon. The other goblins prepared to swarm Lorenor. I'm not having this... They'd already taken down three of the goblins but many more remained...it was impossible to know their numbers. Something about them prevented Lorenor from getting a fix on the exact numbers of the goblin ambush party. There could be hundreds out there and they would never know it until it was too late...

And so the battle began.

[Bewitched]

To be fair, the ground was more comfortable than it looked. There was a nice soft covering of moss along the sides of the hard-packed dirt path. Then there was the large brim of her hat that was so neatly folded between her neck and the ground. It almost went without saying that there had to be something that had Alex worked up enough to get up off the perfectly nice ground and start waving a sharp metal stick around. That something was the fact that there were two more miserable cretins already barreling down on her as she tried to get back up.

Their loincloths were flapping as they ran, and somewhere between a partial mental-scarring sight and the thought of what they were going to do to her, she was standing back up at what could only have been record speed. Lacing her fingers around the small hilt of the short sword, Alex swung down and struck with all her strength to split open one goblin’s head. There was more resistance than she was expecting as her blade sliced into its brain, but that was where her luck ran out. It was stuck.

Pulling with her two-handed grip, the relatively light monster rose into the air, still attached to her blade. Swinging the encumbered weapon around, she managed to knock two more beasties aside before over-swinging and falling to the ground once more. At least the goblin thing released its dead grip on her sword.

“Votes for running away, Lorenor?”

[Mutant_Lorenor]

"No running away. They'll chase us, these things know the forest better than we do. We take our stand, and we win. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve."

Fighting as he talked, the ghoul danced his sword around and managed to pick off three more of the little devils. Their ranks were wearing thing as the ghoul fought against them. His longsword served a secondary advantage of keeping them at a good distance from his body. Swinging downward was a chore, but he quickly adapted to the chore.

Rising to the occasion was a matter that became a credit to the ghoul.

Suddenly, one of the goblins leaped from a nearby tree and attempted to swing downwards upon Alex's person. Lorenor saw this quickly, decapitated another goblin and swung his body completely around bringing his sword in a wide arch around his person. He looked at the goblin attacking the girl for a split second and simply reacted.

Calling up the power of the aegis device, Lorenor felt the familiar throbbing of energy flow across his artificial arm. He raised his forearm and placed his real arm upon his metallic wrist, quickly opening his palm. Extending his digits to the widest he could extend them, Lorenor released the power of the Aegis.

Rippling energy flowed across the air. Some of the goblins stared at the energy as it passed overhead. Low branches of trees moved subtly with the energy as it flowed across the space between Lorenor and Alex.

Commanding the Aegis, Lorenor controlled the shield so it manifested right above Alex's fallen person. Instantly, the goblin fell upon the shield and there was a burst of archaic energies that suddenly filled the clearing providing a secondary advantage. Sparks of the residue touched the goblins and the grass lighting things on fire. The goblins immediately became scared of the archaic forces, pausing their attack and giving Lorenor a serious advantage. A few more Goblins showed up in the interval between their initial attack and the present moment.

There numbers totaled six. Lorenor was preparing to do something extremely drastic to take them down. As for the goblin attacking Alex? His body careened against the magical shield. Force erupting from the impact point propelled the little guy's body towards a nearby tree. A sharp branch intercepted the goblin and impaled him completely. The aegis barrier shattered instantly from the impact with the goblin. Lorenor had a couple more bursts left.

Taking up his sword once again, he went back to fighting and was trying to clear the area around Alex. He now moved his position so that he covered her back side...he was playing the role of bodyguard now. In a matter of moments, Lorenor took down two more.

[Bewitched]

From her nice vantage point on the ground, Alexandria was able to see just how outclassed she was when it came to actually fighting and using her spells in the field. Here were goblins, primitive as anything she had ever seen, and she could barely hold her own against one without her spells. She cringed as one of the little beasts leapt at her, saved only by a very impressive shield created by her partner. It made her pathetic attempt at protection seem completely worthless. But she couldn’t give up now; it just didn’t feel right to let him do all the work.

Lorenor was picking up her slack and more with what looked like an effortless ease. Each swing of his great sword left a swath of destruction that only one of her spells could match, but he didn’t have to expend much energy at all two cleave the things in half. The young witch stood to her feet as the man-like thing pressed his back to hers. Her broom was forgotten for the moment and the only thoughts that crossed her mind were those of how she was going to survive this whole charade. A two-handed thrust that probably only needed one to be effective stopped the latest vile creature to come too close to her, piercing it just above the sternum.

It was about this time that something inevitably dawned on her. She had just killed a living creature. Bloodshot eyes too big for its head pleaded for life in their dying moment, and like falling off a cliff the weight of what she had done in her adrenaline-fueled frenzy hit her. Sure it wasn’t much death at all compared to what her friend had done, but she had still taken lives. The more she tried to think about it, the she wanted to stop thinking about it, and the more she tried to stop, the more useless she became. Crouching down on her heels, she buried her face in her knees and fell forward, crying. The short blade of her sword was buried slightly into the ground under its own weight.

“What… have I done?”

[Mutant_Lorenor]

With every mighty swing of his weapon, more goblins were felled in battle. He was quickly dwindling down their numbers. Soon, they would all be destroyed and the killer could return to his previous duties. Investigation of that camp he found earlier. With another swing of his weapon in a wide arch, several more goblins fell. A particularly dangerous looking pint sized predator caught the ghoul's eyes. It seemed to be the chieftain of the lot.

Lorenor suddenly decided to plead his case with the chieftain to spare any more blood shed. The goblin lot was regathering their forces and pulling the injured that could be saved away from the site of the battle. A moment of pause occurred and this was Lorenor's chance to end the battle in an agreeable sort of way. He'd taken his eyes off Alex for a moment but heard her whimpering cries signaling that she'd given up and proved useless to the ghoul. He needed a mage who was prepared to battle alongside him.

The crooked trees seemed to reach down with their branches in a vain attempt to grab at the combatants on the makeshift battlefield. Lorenor opted to knock out a goblin that came too close to Alex and then he moved towards the Chieftain. The tiny warrior had a wicked looking curved sword that was green with plynt. The chieftain was a particularly hideous goblin, hid long nose was crooked and equipped with many warts. Beady red eyes shone from beneath a thickly defined eye socket. But what impressed Lorenor the most about the chieftain was the demi human's height. The goblin leader was taller than the rest of the goblins standing at approximately four heads in stature. He was also very broad. The creature wore thick hides obtained from the beasts of the wilderness, and a helmet with horns on either side pointed skyward. The chieftain addressed Lorenor. "Give us your gold and we'll let you pass." Hearing those words, the ghoul laughed as the business man within the heart of the goblin revealed itself.

"You'll let me pass? That's funny coming from someone like you my friend. You seem to forget that I've single-handedly trashed your lot of goblins by myself. I could easily do the same to you. However, I do not underestimate your skill." Lorenor looked to the side. His familiar, a creature named Figment, was feasting upon the corpses of one of the goblins with wild abandon. Lorenor could hear the sounds of the meal and it made the ghoul grin casually. So far, Figment hadn't made an attempt at capturing one of the goblins yet. The small creature was a black amorphous entity the resembled a sentient slime. The creature had a thickly defined head that resembled two pieces of thick oil forcibly slammed together with the purpose of creating a single, powerful maw. Teeth made of the same substance tore through the flesh of the goblin upon the floor beneath him. Sensing Lorenor's thoughts, the creature slid across the ground with supernatural agility and moved over to Alex's position. It proceeded to ward off any goblins that came too close.

"Nevertheless, this is goblin territory. Relieve yourselves of your wallets and we shall let you pass."

"I have a better idea."

Lorenor said suddenly. Taking up his weapon, he pointed the thing in the general direction of the chieftain's throat. He let it linger there for a few moments observing the cold reaction of the chieftain's gaze. "How about, I let you live and you let us pass." There was an ultimatum for you. I wonder if he'll buy it? Either way it goes I can just kill him. No way, I'm giving my hard earned cash to this creep. I should just take him down and spare the world of more goblin antics...Lorenor thought to himself as he stared down the creature awaiting for a response.

"You leave me no choice then." The chieftain said with a sudden sadness in his voice. "Kill them." He commanded. And as that order was given, an entirely new contingent of goblins arose from the wilderness, hidden in the underbrush. Lorenor sighed. "It's your life." And proceeded to engage the goblin chieftain in combat. Figment reacted to the battle at hand and proceeded to hunt for a body to claim. For a moment, Figment pondered taking over Alex temporarily but decided against it, she would do him no good anyway. The creature slithered off to find the nearest goblin to overtake, the dead weren't as valuable to Figment as the living were.

[Bewitched]

Blood. The viscous red liquid coated most of the hard-packed ground now, still shimmering as more and more fluid spilled with each swing of Lorenor’s blade. Red. Alex stared at her hands, now stained crimson by her own actions. She rubbed them together, picked up clumps of dirt, and even pulled fresh grass to try wiping her hands off with. Nothing removed the taint she had willingly placed there.

They’re dead… and it’s my fault.

Her tears started to dry up, but an overwhelming sadness settled on her shoulders, pinning her to the ground more solidly than a spell of Burden. Every one of the lives she had ended, even if there had only been three or four, had been cut short. The beasts were sentient enough to speak, and that meant they might have had families. How was she supposed to deal with that sort of pressure?

I’m just a teenage girl… I shouldn’t have to deal with this type of thing… I’m not a killer…

Something black and very fast flashed for a moment across her eyes. It seemed to be keeping the things that wanted to attack her at bay, so she paid little heed to it. Was this why Lorenor gave her his cloak? So she wouldn’t feel as bad when she had to attack something? Something to say “Hey, look at me. I kill things all the time and don’t even blink.” He wasn’t human; why should he even feel things humans felt in the first place like regret, sadness, or confusion?

I can’t do this any more!

Reaching into her tome, her enchanted broomstick almost flew out as she stood up. She didn’t want to pick her small sword out of the ground, but a portion of the broom’s enchantment was on it, so she had no choice otherwise. She slid the two sections together and ran her index finger down the trio of runes etched into the wooden shaft, activating the spell and causing the broom to float up off the ground.

I can’t!

Through tear-blurred eyes, Alex mounted her broom and leaned forward, shooting off like a sprinter down the path and bowling over anything that got in her way. Her body was still wracked with sobs, but she somehow managed to avoid running into anything. Trees flew past like stoic monoliths and every bush that so much as rustled in her passing only served to drive her farther and farther away from the gruesome battleground. She would never enter that forest again… not willingly at least.

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Figment rushed passed Alex's form and leaped towards a goblin's open, snarling mouth. In a matter of moments; the endless began to overtake the goblin and use it as a possessed vessel in the service of N'Jal. The goblin's skin became much darker than normal and a hideous red glow flowed from the creature's eyes. Muscles knotted to the point that they seemed to saturate with strength and the goblin knew the strength of the endless. Turning its back to protect the girl, the goblin endless began to turn on its brother.

The tiny fiend wielded a long, six inch dagger that was made of simple iron. It was clearly made by the goblin blacksmiths. The weapon was wicked and curved. Charging towards his brothers blindly, the warrior allowed his superior skill to overwhelm the attackers in an attempt to protect the girl from harm.

Figment never noticed it when the girl suddenly took off and ran away from the battle; abandoning her would be savior. The clashing of blades resonated through the clearing and the battle intensified. Meanwhile, the chieftain was engaging Lorenor in battle. The two short warriors stood about the same height; five feet all together. Swords made of potent materials clashed in the dark as the sparks lit the darkness. "Your friend has abandoned you!"

The chieftain taunted. Lorenor suddenly felt that his companion left and this made him extremely angry; betrayal. Keeping his eyes locked upon the warrior he was fighting, his back was eventually to Figment's back as they kept the goblins at bay. With the angry thoughts in his mind, Lorenor continued to fight until either all the goblins fell, or something else gave.

Lorenor moved his weapon against the weapon of the chieftain with great skill. The two warriors keeping the other at bay. Then, the ghoul remembered his many artifacts. As he fought with John Mattis' longsword, the green plynt shined with a potent light. The Chieftain's steel sword flashed with the starlight. It had a particularly intense glow about it that wasn't normal for a steel sword; even of Masterwork quality. Lorenor decided that he wanted that sword as a trophy. With the sounds of clashing material, the chieftain wore a visage of imminent victory.

But the ghoul wasn't ready to meet his true death. Instead, the warrior prepared the potent powers of his Ring of All Shadows. Feeling the power charge through his body, the darkness responded to his call. A moment later, the ghoul released the powers of darkness putting the archaic forces into play. Bursting forward, the blast of darkness pushed the Chieftain back causing burns to materialize upon the goblin's thick hides. Lorenor saw his opening and moved forward with his sword. Seconds later, the plynt punctured the goblin's heart. Looking up at Lorenor with a sad expression on his face, the goblin fell down to the ground; dead. Seeing their leader fall; the other goblins took note of Lorenor's dirty tricks and decided to retreat into the wild. Lorenor removed his weapon from the goblin and cleaned it off with the fellow's body. Blood was spilling onto the already well saturated ground. Lorenor sheathed his weapon and took the goblin's sword. Nothing else interested him. He completed his theft by taking the chieftain's scabbard as well. He looked towards Figment who now wore the body of a goblin.

"She's gone." Lorenor said. "We tried to protect her with the best of our skills." The ghoul shook his head. "Perhaps we'll come across her at a later date." Figment shrugged. "You need to develop your own skills in the name of the Dark Mother." Lorenor listened carefully and sighed. "It will happen in due time my friend. Now lets go see whats in that camp."

And so; Lorenor made his way to the camp alongside his goblin companion.

He placed the scabbard of the short sword around his waist.

The End.

***Spoils***

001--One Vlince cloak given over to Alex.

002--500 gold deducted from my account and given to Alex. Thank you.

003--A Masterwork Steel short sword enchanted with an ability to give off a cold aura. The cold aura adds ice elemental damage to the basic sword attack but does nothing else. The weapon is dangerous to fire elemental creatures. Eventually; the enchantment will grow stronger. Masterwork matching scabbard.

004--Alex's Wind Charm. Counts as a wand. A charm blessed with the elemental powers of Wind. Can summon three small bursts of wind lances a day. Power is equivalent to an iron sword.

[Cyrus the virus]

Sorry this wasn’t as quick as I’d originally promised!

Story
Continuity – 5/10 It was clear that there were ten goblins at first, but that wasn’t kept consistent. Otherwise, this was fine.
Setting – 5/10 Not bad, Lorenor, but you should only mention the wind so many times. Don’t put an obligatory sentence or two of setting description if it feels forced.
Pacing – 4/10 The quest was pretty slow when it came to the dialogue and character building, but that was the positive part. The goblin attack went by quickly and fizzled at the end, feeling very anticlimactic to me. Why was this goblin boss such a pushover? There’s nothing gripping about an easy fight.

Character
Dialogue – 8/10 Don’t make Lorenor too omniscient. He introduced himself literally immediately after Alex thought about not knowing his name. You could have used this problem a little bit instead of repairing it so quickly. Solid dialogue except for the goblin leader’s speaking about as eloquently as a university professor. What’s up with that?
Action – 5/10 Bewitched, your action is pretty intriguing and well described. The advantage of writing a mage character is that your abilities are more dynamic, and you handle this well. Lorenor, you sort of made the action seem like an afterthought, downing goblins with hardly any description of the action. Instead of being a fun fight to read, I found myself trudging through the sequences where Lorenor killed two goblins in a flash. I couldn’t envision the fight. Put more description into how these goblins battle, how they struggled with the pain, the way your sword cuts through the air, anything. Just don’t make it seem to bland. Here’s a good example of what I’m complaining about: “Fighting as he talked, the ghoul danced his sword around and managed to pick off three more of the little devils.” He’s a deadly fighter, so make him fight well – here, his opponents were just incompetent.
Persona – 7/10 Lorenor’s personality is hard to grasp, but he’s got a good mix of curiosity, trust, distrust and strength. Alex is a fantastic character

Writing Style
Technique – 4/10
Mechanics – 6/10 Sometimes, Lorenor, you have repetitive tendencies in your writing that are difficult if not impossible to ignore. I’m not quite sure how to explain it, so I’ll provide you with a quote: “…the ghoul carefully considered his personal gains versus potential losses. The gains outweighed the potential losses…” Your writing could benefit from a certain ‘neatness’ that comes from rereading your posts and being critical of the way you use language. I’d suggest, for starters, rereading each paragraph as soon as they’re completed in order to catch these little repetitions. Also, be mindful of your descriptions. There was a stretch where you described the wind in about 4 consecutive posts.
Clarity - 7/10 I like your writing, Bewitched. It’s very, very clear and easy to follow, which makes it more than enjoyable for me to read. Lorenor, you make a lot of simple errors that would be caught if you took more care, but I generally know what’s going on.

Miscellaneous
Wild Card - 6/10 Why is this in the Citadel?

Total: 57

Lorenor receives 1,805 EXP (reduced due to spoil requests) and loses 500 gold, gains his wind charm as requested.
Bewitched receives 642 EXP and 500 gold, gains a Vlince cloak.

Lorenor’s new sword is of Awful quality and is badly damaged, chipped in several places due to the goblin boss’s heavy use of it over the years. It must be repaired in the bazaar, as any use of the item in its current state would likely cause it to break and lose its enchantment permanently. After repairs, it will be a Below Average quality short sword with the ice enchantment.

Alex’s broom has gross bloodstains in the bristles that need to be cleaned. Ew. Find a river or stream!

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP was indeed added!