Money For Nothing

[Cyrus the virus]

Naturian. A forest. The words came and though Luc did not know the language, he understood. His spell would stay in effect for six hours, more than long enough for them to get some good communication in. The boy was probably not human, that Luc had decided, but he'd never heard of Naturian before, either.

"It comes from an oyster," he said in the common tongue, beckoning a chunk of earth from the area between them to rise up. "I don't think taking the pearl hurts the creature, so it's not a big deal."

The earth formed itself into the shape of an oyster, as a display to the boy. It opened up and a small ball floated up from the inside, just like a tiny brown pearl. "See?"

"Ah, there e' be, off'in the grass to look at his new toys," came the gruff voice from the woods, and from there appeared the dwarf from earlier on, a half-dozen or more men behind him. "Yer a bit too easygoin' these days, even if yer magic's good."

Luc stood, pulling his gloves on as he did so. Swerving around Kially, the mage formed a barrier between the boy and the approaching men. The dwarf carried in his hands a long polearm, and his friends, dwarves all, carried assorted weapons that didn't so much as catch the mage's notice.

"Good? Did you forget why you shrunk away and let me make a fool of you, dwarf? No whelp with a year's training in Eluriand could strike that kind of fear into a centuries-old dwarf, no matter how limited his mind."

The dwarf sneered, trying his best to let anger overcome the fear in the back of his mind. "Me mates have got years of huntin' behind 'em. Huntin' n' hurtin'. Now I'll be takin' me gems back, if ye an' yer boy there be carin' fer yer skin."

Gloves solidly on, Luc just chuckled, an immense confidence rising out of him like steam from a boiling pot of water. He drew the Slykrit Blade, and careful to keep it away from Kially, who might have come closer to inspect the red tint of it, allowed it to burst into orange flames.

"Any of you who step toward me will die."

[Kially Gaith]

Kially was quite engrossed in the little display of terra firma when the voice distracted him, looking up, he frowned rather deeply, not only were they interrupting a peaceful moment, but they were making threats towards his newly made friend. Kially, put simply, was not impressed, but this however, did not stop him being surprised when that of Lucs sword burst into flames.

Stepping back behind Luc, Kially grabbed up a switch and out stretched it from the side into the air. “tura Fvr onfgneq jrt!” The child had some experience with how to wield a weapon, not that he knew this however, having been born with it. Immediately, the switch gained a sharp invisible edge.

”Oh lookie, tha’ wee laddy boy got ‘imself a stick…” came one of the dwarves taunts as he stepped slowly towards Luc, the rest splitting up into a semi-circle to give their futile attempt a better chance.

Kially watched, not faultering in his attitude or demeanour, even if inside, he was quaking with mild fear. He did not fear the dwarves themselves, more the damage they could cause to the beautiful trees and wildlife around him, naïve as to not fear death nor pain until that pain had actually been implemented into his young frail frame.

With each breath, he readied himself, not to be attacked, but to protect Luc from an attack or even the wildlife from an attack.

Looking to Luc, he spoke in a lesser and more sweet tone. “Ireyrgmra avpug qvr Orgevror, bx?”

Translations in order: "Go away, you bastards!" - "Don't hurt the plants...Okay?"

[Cyrus the virus]

They stepped forward. An amused smile displayed itself on Luc's youthful face. As he motioned forward, Kially's words struck him. Any kind of earth magic would harm the plants, he figured. "Alright," he agreed.

He slashed the blade in a horizontal arc, willing the fire to expand and fire out in a wave. The dwarves fell back in shock as Luc was moving forward, his light boots pounding the ground rapidly. Eight of them, he'd counted, and his eyes didn't distinguish one from the next. They were just fodder.

As the arc fizzled away, Luc wound up the sword in a circle, dragging flames behind the tip so that a ring appeared above his head. Three of the dwarves charged in, seeing an exposed Luc, but the ring dropped just before they reached him. Surrounding him like a makeshift barrier, the fire suddenly expanded in a bright flash before him, sending the dwarves flying backward, sizzling.

"Stay back, Kially," demanded Luc, a grin on his face that revealed his excitement. The shopkeep and the remaining dwarves ran for him.

The ground behind the shopkeep rumbled, melted, bubbled like boiling water as it became like liquid. Two of the dwarves stumbled in, screaming in shock. As suddenly at the earth had swallowed them, it hardened into rock, leaving naught but two reaching hands that stuck out from the ground. No plants were harmed, so far as he could tell.

Stopping dead in their tracks, the four remaining dwarves turned to witness what remained. The shopkeeper tried to spit out some words, but couldn't.

"Kill 'em!" he finally managed, his scream echoing all the way back to the city.

[Kially Gaith]

Silently, Kially watched on, tilting his head curiously as he gave more attention to the plants arround the ground swallowing up Lucs’ unwitting and befuddled opponents. No sooner had the ground ate them had Kially sat down, back rested against a tree, casual a naïve to all this combat. Luc seemingly had this all in hand.

His blood in reality though, pumped with anticipation, his attitude willing him to run head on in whilst his peaceful nature spoke to him that no blood should be spilled by his hands…That was, of course, until a single dwarf lunged at Luc, a steel straight sword aimed for his lower chest.
Luc, being the nimble fellow that he is, simply took an arched step, flicking out a leg to trip the angered dwarf. This said dwarf continued on in his now uncontrolled flying lunge towards Kially. The small child panicked, rolling to his right, as the dwarf embedded the steel sword directly into the solid bark of the tree. Without a second glance, Kially was angered, stepping up from a kneeled position, to a standing statue of confidence and blood lust.

“HOW DARE YOU!” He spoke in common as he twirled the stick in his right hand above his head from his left hand shoulder, slicing the air on the right with a loud ‘swish’, then arcing his wrist to point the stick at the floor until a flick brought it back up in a fencing style lunge.

The burly dwaf at this time had not his attention on the boy, despite his battle cry, but more on removing his sword from the tree to return to his offensive, on finally succeeding, he stumbled back a little, then forward once again as he regained his footing, now he turned to that of which was obviously not very happy. In the given instance of angling his body, the child was already in view and right in his personal field of vision below him. He prepared himself for what he believed would be a painful jab with a stick, tensing up his chest, only for him to suddenly feel a warm and horrid pain, the oaken switch cutting both cloth and flesh as it tore its’ way inside the dwarf, tearing a hole in his stomach before clipping a rib inside his bulky overweight frame, the switch snapping at impact with bone.

A thud of a steel sword hitting the floor gave the signal that the pain was to much to handle for the dwarf, falling to his knees in a futile attempt to catch his breath, no words came out, just pained whimpers as he coughed up a mixture of blood, stomach bile and vomit.

Kially, on the other hand, came out of his sudden anger, staggering back a little in solid heavy breaths, a great deal of exertion having gone into such attack, formed from a martial art he wasn’t even aware he knew.

[Cyrus the virus]

The lead dwarf had overexerted himself, resulting in his death at the hands of a mere boy. Luc had already moved on from him, and unfortunately for the three that remained, had already grown tired of playing.

Inches from the mage, the dwarves suddenly stopped in their tracks, mandibles of earth having reached up to each of their legs and stabbed deep into the flesh there. A pained scream rose up from them in unison, but each had the presence of mind to at least try to throw their weapons at the fearsome magic wielder. Before they could, though, the metal of each of their swords and axes were melted.

"You should have listened," mocked Luc as he approached, flaming sword in hand. The dwarves started to plead with him, but their words fell on deaf ears.

With two wide swings of the sword, the mage had removed two heads. All that remained now was the dwarf before him, a grey beard hanging from his chin. The shopkeeper saw the futility in trying to swing at the mage, so he said nothing.

Luc waited but a moment, cocking his head as if expecting the fool to plead. When it seemed like nothing was coming, Luc shrugged and raised his sword, burying it deep into the dwarf's chestplate and the flesh beyond it. The dwarf screamed and Luc backed away, willing the Slykrit Blade to erupt into fierce, licking flames that swallowed the dwarf's body in its hungry maw.

When he was no more than a blackened husk, Luc retrieved his sword after the flames died down, sheathing the red tinted blade. All three bodies stood, leaning back, legs bolted to the ground by earth as strong as steel.

Turning back to Kially, Luc offered a whimsical smile, a cheerful chuckle that showed how little these gruesome deaths affected him. "Normally I'd disappear now. As fun as this sort of thing is, the entire area may be upon us soon. We should head into the wilderness and find a place to law low - that is, unless you can fly. You have shown me some tricks I hadn't expected, after all."

[Kially Gaith]

Kially was not one equipped with the ability to fly, though he did however, know the forest like a swordsmith understood metal.

Two eyes flickered over the result of Lucs’ handiwork and that of his own. No emotion or care held for those pathetic beings that now remained lifeless to the afternoon sun. Only one dwarf remained alive, that was the victim of Kially. Now in the fetal position on the floor, bunched up like a dieing ant as he slowly bled out. Kially, as peaceful as he was, would not grant the fool a quick death.

Smiling as innocently as he had before such confrontation had began, he scooped up the small case of jewels and handed them over to Luc.
“C’me on. Folla’ me, I wanna show yuh somethin’.” Before Luc could even respond, Kially had dashed into the forest, secretly wishing to rid himself of the view of lifeless corpses as he made his way over soft leaves and slippery moss with surprising balance and ease.

Soon enough, a large tree came into view, one that was much larger than the others, a small clearing giving it providence, its’ roots protruding from the ground like giant tendrils begging food scraps of food.

“Jus’ ova’ here…” Kially stated, easing his footing towards a small spiral of roots near the base of the tree. A soft pale hand placed upon the roots and he began to whisper.

Right that moment, Luc would notice a very prominent shaking, located directly beneath his feet…

Spoils request: Kially gains ability: Knowledge of nature – Kially deeply understands every forest, knowing paths that have long since not been tread despite never having tread them himself.. He can also name every natural tree and plant, but does not know their use (Other than some fruit bearing plants such as blackberries)

[Ataraxis]

Quest Judging
Money for Nothing

Hello stud and stud junior. I’ll keep this short and relaxed, as was asked, so here ya go!Scores are an average.

STORY

Continuity ~ 5/10. I read your OOC note on this being a sequeland the probability of little backstory. Understandable, though not suitable for a separate quest. If you wanted to scrimp on continuity, then this should’ve bee fused with the Good Samaritan. Since it probably couldn’t due to the various reasons that led you to make this second thread, then a few more lines to enlighten me would have been much appreciated. Since you spoke of Kially recovering an item, elaborating on that a bit more would’ve been great.

Setting ~ 5.5/10. It was a bit more than bare bones, but I can’t remember anything that stood out, save for Luc’s fashioning of an oyster sculpture. There were trees and plants and the sky. Cyrus description of the surroundings were clear, short and to the point, yet didn’t feel dry, but Kially, yours were overly-verbose and sometimes confusing because you misused many words.

Pacing ~ 5.5/10. There wasn’t much of anything to this story and I don’t say that in blame, since this was meant to be pretty relaxed. I did read through those 16 posts relatively fast, but my mood throughout it was pretty constant.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 5/10. I liked Luc’s explanations on the making of pearls and his use of Kially’s own language, without abusing of it. However, his lines lost a lot of liveliness when the dwarfs came, and I could predict what he was going to say most of the time. Kially, your character is an innocent kid, and you display that quite well, though sometimes it seems exaggerated. Maybe that’s meant to be so, but I had a hard time believing him or didn’t feel the endearing quality as much as Luc apparently did. Also, near the end, he be speaking like a pirate!

Action ~ 4.5/10. I frankly could have done without the battle. It seemed pointless to me, and to both Luc and Kially too. I don’t really know why they’d even attack, when the damn mage has killed so many before. The vendor heard enough about Luc to really fear him, and going at him with so few of his kin was pretty stupid, especially when his whole reasoning for letting Luc have his way was to save his own hide and live to sell another day. Also, for something as innocent as Kially, killing like that, almost with pride, was out of character. I know Luc’s influencing him, but that’s far too radical. Still, I enjoyed the while market shopping thing.

Persona ~ 6.5/10. You definitely showed a more humane side of Luc here, Cy. It was a good move to write about how he expected children to annoy him, but was rather enjoying Kially’s company. You also showed a peaceful side to him by mentioning his favorite place to read. It wasn’t a 180 degree turn, though, since he remained as implacable dealing death as he usually is. Kially was believable in his questions and apprehensions, in his curiosity and expectations.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 5/10. 5 is average, meaning there wasn’t an absence of literary devices or a highly discernible style other than brevity. Kially, you try too hard to make your writing look professional. The narrative sounded too contrived and it sounded like you used a thesaurus to get better-sounding words. There were also a lot of run-ons on your part.

Mechanics ~ 6.5/10. Very few mistakes in Cy’s part, though Kially, you should be careful. Wrong wording, awkward syntax, run-ons, and strange grammar are all things that I’ve seen from you. I’ve read your stuff before, and I don’t remember seeing these problems, or not most of them, so maybe you rushed this a bit. See the notes.

Clarity ~ 6/10. It was pretty clear on Cy’s part, but I had a very hard time getting the messages you were trying to convey through your narration, Kially. There are instances of that in the Notes annexed to this judging.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 4.5/10. It didn’t bore me at all, it was a quick-read and I don’t feel like I’ve been gypped at all into reading this. It could’ve had more, but I’m not complaining!

TOTAL ~ 54/100.

EXP Rewards

Luc Kraus gains: 2059 XP!
Kially Gaith gains: 459 XP!

GP Rewards

Luc Kraus gains: 120 GP!
Kially Gaith gains: 120 GP!

Other Rewards

Luc Kraus gains: Urza’s Rage, which deals damage. If the kicker is paid, it deals a shitload of damage. (2R, Kicker 8R, instant, Invasion)
Kially gains: the Stick of Might, which, when shoved up somebody’s ass, turns him or her into a paladin. (2GG, equipment, unscotched)
Kially gains: Knowledge of Nature!

Ha, as if! You guys only get cheap booster packs. Congratulations!

down the drop of a roller coaster without any warning, once In flight however (2) missing period, wrong word capitalized.
seconds of materialisation (2) I’m guessing this should’ve been dematerialisation
child’s none existent (2) non-existent
Kially had just about stopped giggling when Luc had finished his small explanation that Kially offered an amused and bewildered smile to (2) very awkward syntax. Though it’s become acceptable to end a sentence with a preposition, in this case the use of ‘his small explananation, to which Kially offered’. Using twice his name in the same sentence makes the sentence heavier as well.
protested somewhat the strange feelings betrothed upon it (2) the use of betrothed here, even if meant for some sort of image, is very awkward. The same sentence is also a run-on.
It hadn’t occurred to Kially quite what implied a parent or what traits a parent even had, just being obedient, his eyes flickering from window to window in childish amazement as he gave view to things he’d one day covet. (2) tenuous link between the syntagms, should have separated them.
natures way (4) nature’s
he’d took (4) taken
The dwarf was not pleased, beginning to sweat with both anger and self control, most normal children would have been shouted at by now, but he daren’t, not with the mage quietly in tow behind, for now, allowing the child the pleasure that was truly a beautiful collection. (4) Commas abound. This could’ve been cut in two, three sentences, which would have given the narrative a better fluidity.
watched on in both fear and confusion, was he going to destroy the street? (6) ‘fearn and confusion. Was he going to destroy the street?’
Set ablaze to a set of stalls for fun? (6) Set ablaze a set of stalls/Set fire to a set of stalls
Kiallys’ (8) Kially’s
Lucs (8) Luc’s
in the little display of terra firma (10) I’m really wondering why you used terra firma here. If you meant the use of his geomancy to fashion the model of an oyster, then I don’t understand the relation with the saying ‘solid ground’, when sailors finally moor to land.
Faultering (12) faltering
pain had actually been implemented (12) awkward wording. Maybe go simple with ‘dealt’ ?
With each breath, he readied himself, not to be attacked, but to protect Luc from an attack or even the wildlife from an attack. (12) r.w., attack and its variants.
lesser and more sweet tone. (12) the comparative is ‘sweeter’
fire to expand and fire out in a wave. (13) r.w., fire
bubbled like boiling water as it became like liquid. (13) redundant
casual a naïve to all this combat (14) I rally don’t know what this was supposed to mean
The burly dwaf at this time had not his attention on the boy, despite his battle cry, but more on removing his sword from the tree to return to his offensive, on finally succeeding, he stumbled back a little, then forward once again as he regained his footing, now he turned to that of which was obviously not very happy.(14) dwarf, run-on.
the pain was to much (14) too much
place to law low (15) lay low
one equipped with the ability to fly (16) ‘equipping an ability’ doesn’t really work, now.
confrontation had began(16) begun
its’ roots (160 its roots
giant tendrils begging food scraps of food. (16) redundant

[Kially Gaith]

Thanks for the quick response Ataraxis, much appreciated! I'm not the best RPer in the world. ^_^ But alas! I try!

Anyhow, bro, could you confirm for me whether Kially gets the spoil I requested? You didn't state a yes or no on that, and hence such, has left me a little confused!

Oh, and thanks for your summary, I can see the majority of the mistakes now. Totally over looked them.

Just to clarify with one of them which I must admit I partially disagree with "Equipped with the ability to fly" - I suppose it may be a British term use only, but I've often heard the line used to describe something that was inherrent at birth, hence "equipped" - I'm probably wrong though.

Oh! And the pirate comment, cheered me right up, thanks! Hehe! Kially's common isn't upto scratch, with holding a tongue that was made to handle that of his mother tongue.

[Ataraxis]

If it's British, then I probably don't know about. And yes, I forgot to add that spoil: it is of course approved, and has been included in your rewards!

By the way, you're usually not supposed to post in these after my judgment, so I'm guessing these posts will eventually get deleted. In any case, PMing me would've worked just as well!

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!

Cyrus reaches level 9!