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Thread: Cracked Earth: Memories of a Ghost

  1. #11
    Member
    EXP: 58,871, Level: 10
    Level completed: 45%, EXP required for next level: 6,129
    Level completed: 45%,
    EXP required for next level: 6,129
    GP
    1090
    Slayer of the Rot's Avatar

    Name
    Dan Lagh'ratham
    Age
    36
    Race
    Rock guy
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black
    Eye Color
    Ice Blue/Gray
    Build
    6'4"/215lbs
    Job
    Slayer

    "You know, that's why I hate summoning at times like this. I can't figure out if you're dead or not. Then again, you're probably not, aren't you? You're already stuck between the weave of life and death," Dan grunted, turning slowly in a close circle, scowling. Beads of sweat still clung to the back of his neck, but the heat from the elemental plane was slowly lessening. Little fragments of stone ground under the soles of his shoes as he listlessly searched. Through the ground, he could feel nothing in the immediate area, beside a pleasant breeze whispering through the stone bars he'd created moments before. Finally, Dan stopped and began to dig around in his pockets.

    "You're wasting my time, Sarah," he called out warningly, inspecting a wrinkled, creased cigarette with both hands before putting it into his mouth. It took him a few seconds of huffing before he ignited it with a match.

    "You're moving yourself up from quick, clean decapitation to painful mutilation." Waving a hand cautiously in the air before himself, he picked a direction and began walking in it. Maybe she was dead? Dead or plotting something. Close to him like she was earlier, it had been simple to hear her, feel with her with his link to the very cave itself. But now, the acoustics of the lair had him questioning if he had heard one breath or two. And all he could feel through the earth was the impact of his own feet.

    Suddenly, a vengeful cry erupted through the air, and Dan whipped around, his head moving rapidly, trying to pinpoint the source. "Oh! I was just thinking you were dead! You'd have been better of slitting your throat in whatever hole you were hiding in." Incredibly fast, he heard her feet pound the cave floor, and then vanish a moment later.

    ' - jumped - '

    Killer's instincts suddenly sprang forth, and he crossed his arms before his face. A half second later, her warm weight drove into them, and he recoiled, hearing the hiss of steel in the air. Before she could fall away and scamper off for another surprise, the Saraelian's lower arm shot out, groped the air, and then clamped down on flesh - her throat. The Lavinian gave a startled, choked gasp, and stabbed her blades deep into the meat of his forearms.

    He barely flinched.

    "What, intending on cutting my throat? Drinking my blood? Ugh, it makes me sick that I can't even feel a pulse on my palm. Let's do this quick." Extending his free arm, Dan turned and twisted the fingers into odd shapes, and stamped the ground four times. The floor shook, and with four synonymous cracking and rumbling noises, curved stone slabs shaped themselves. Each formed a part of a collar, and with a sweep of his hand, pitted mossy rock broke away from the insides of the slabs, leaving jagged spikes. The Saraelian closed his outstretched palm into a fist, drawing taut unseen threads, and pulled the arm back to his side with a quick, jerking motion.

    They came with the sound of a god grinding its teeth. They closed with a boom, and he felt the woman shudder, and blood splashed across his hand, from her beautiful lips.

    He released his grip on her neck, and moved his hand gently to the back of her head, brushing ear as he passed. Dan Lagh'ratham leaned over the top of the iron maiden, and brought his face close to the pierced Lavinian's own. He kissed her bloody lips, drew back, and wrapped his hands through her hair, yanking her head back. The Saraelian's mouth opened, and in the dim, colorless light of the cave, his teeth glittered with spit.

    "Stay the fuck away from me from now on, Sarah."

    He ate.
    Bastards never die.

  2. #12
    Member
    EXP: 21,045, Level: 6
    Level completed: 15%, EXP required for next level: 5,955
    Level completed: 15%,
    EXP required for next level: 5,955
    GP
    6,143
    Lavinian Pride's Avatar

    Name
    Sarah Dahlios
    Age
    27
    Race
    Revanian Vampire (Mizami)
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    5'6" and you can guess for weight because she ain't telling...
    Job
    Thief

    Sarah let out a cry of surprise as he caught her, his hand clenching tightly about her throat. She closed her eyes as she tried to struggle, feeling the power and speed of her rush fade as quickly as they had come. The stone spikes send her body rigid, as she realized she was pinned. What little blood there was left in her had poured over her lips as she cursed her position. Dan was too strong; she was never going to take him down like this.

    Sarah resigned herself to her fate, until he seemed to take on a softer side about her. It was odd, reminiscent of the old Dan, and yet, still humiliating. That he would dispose of her as such. When felt his lips upon hers as he kissed her, and a hot rage washed over her. She had been insulted, Dan had no feelings for her, the fight had proven as much. However, when he told her to stay away, and began to eat her, she finally felt it, revulsion. He was tearing her apart, feasting upon her as she would a victim.

    She was nothing more than a cow to him.

    She died, trying hard not to react as he ate her, until her heart finally was consumed, and she became a pile of dust upon the floor.

    ~*~

    She awoke in a rage as the string of curses flew from her lips. She screamed them as she wished to rip Dan's throat out and to let him die as painful a death as possible. It wasn't until she felt a flask shoved to her lips that she silenced herself, only because of the flood of blood entering her system. When she was free of it she was glowering, angry at her situation. Finally she spoke her voice hoarse, "I will find that bastard, I will gut him, and I will feast on his heart. May he rot in the bowels of all seven hells..."
    You look in the mirror, but someone else looks back. You remember a life you never had, one that cannot be yours. You are the piece that does not fit, you don't belong in this game. The board has been knocked over, you shall be swept away...

    1/2th Of Althanas' Favorite Relationship 2006 (Rheawien / Lavinian Pride)
    1/3rd Of the Most Interesting Storyline 2006 (Dissinger / Liliana Ambria / Lavinian Pride)

  3. #13
    Memento Mori
    EXP: 53,567, Level: 9
    Level completed: 96%, EXP required for next level: 433
    Level completed: 96%,
    EXP required for next level: 433
    GP
    7,248
    Witchblade's Avatar

    Name
    Witchblade
    Age
    Unknown
    Race
    Unknown
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black, like her soul
    Eye Color
    Crimson
    Build
    5'9 / 130lbs
    Job
    Murderer

    Dan


    Story


    Continuity: - 5
    Dan, when I read your opening post, I thought it was going to be some really kick ass reunion between Sarah Dahlios and Dan Lagh’ratham, then known Daniel Wilmhearst. That’s what it felt like in the beginning, but I was quickly disappointed by the actions that the characters took and the lack of an explanation towards what had happened between Dan and Sarah before. I got bits and pieces of it here and there throughout yours and Pat’s posts but nothing really specific, nothing that truly made me understand the hate that they felt for each other. I can only hope that the two of them will meet again and next time Sarah will be able to knock Dan around a little.

    Setting: - 5 The setting was okay. There was nothing about it that really stuck out in my mind. It was there, you kind of used it to your advantage during the battle and the only thing really interesting about it was Dan feeling for Sarah using the surroundings. I just thought that considering what he can do, there would have been a lot more setting interaction.

    Pacing: - 5 My only real problem with the pacing is that the battle seemed to end too soon. Yeah, I know that there is a huge power different between Dan and Sarah and that he really should be able to crush her rather easily, but there was just something lacking with the whole climax thing. It was kind of like ‘oh, I got you and now I’ll eat you.’

    Character

    Dialogue: - 6
    Can’t really say much in here. Dan’s dialogue was true to his character, always is, always will be. I like listening to him shout out obscenities because for some reason it just fits him so well. Still, there was nothing great that happened in the dialogue.

    Action: - 6 Well, there was action and it was Dan action. The whole gentle kiss and tug thing at the end was interestingly mocking and kind of strange, but at the same time I didn’t feel it was out of character.

    Persona: - 6 I think Dan got a little too angry at Sarah when she turned her back on him. I don’t know what it was, but the transition from just being pissed off to raging, uncontrollable beast seemed far too quick and far too violent in my mind. Even with the explanation that he hated people turning their backs on him, there was something about it that seemed forced more by the writer than by the actions of Sarah.

    Writing Style

    Mechanics: - 7
    There were a few times when you used the wrong word, forgot to make a word plural and just missed a word altogether. The mistakes were few and far between, but they were there.

    Technique: - 7 I actually thought that your writing grew more detailed and emotional and just downright better towards the end of the battle, particularly in the last two or three posts, which may be one of the reasons why I was disappointed by the abrupt ending.

    Clarity: - 6.5 There were a few times where I found myself rereading sentences more than twice, simply because they were missing a word or the wrong word was used and I couldn’t seem to grasp what you were trying to tell me. Other than that, no problems.

    Wild Card: - 4 A bit disappointing considering these two characters have history together, history that was made out to be rather explosive.

    Pat

    Story


    Continuity: - 5
    Refer to Dan’s comments.

    Setting: - 5 Your setting is getting better, Pat, but you still have a hard time remembering to mention small bits of it in every post. You need to keep reminding the reader about what the surroundings look like, what Sarah is walking on, what her skin is touching. It just brings everything the character is physically feeling into greater understanding to the reader. Just remember, you don’t need to write an entire story on setting, just mention it.

    Pacing: - 5.5 You can also refer to Dan’s comments here. It just kind of seemed like you two wanted to end this battle as writers, because I know Sarah has more fight in her than that. I read 90 posts of Eternal Goodbye, I know she has more fight in her than that. I did enjoy the way you concluded the battle with Sarah waking up though.

    Character

    Dialogue: - 6.5
    Sarah’s dialogue seemed true to her character, caustic and sarcastic and just downright mocking.

    Action: - 6 Nothing about the action truly stuck out to me as anything special, though nothing went against Sarah’s character as I know her. I just wished there had been more of a struggle between her and Dan. I knew reading this thread that Dan was most likely going to win with the huge power difference, but I expected more fight in Sarah than that.

    Persona: - 6.5 The sarcastic little bitch that she is, I can’t help but love and yet want to pummel Sarah into the pavement all at the same time. Funny, Seth elicits relatively the same kind of response from me, coincidence? She came across rather well throughout the battle and I especially enjoyed the jabs that went on between her and Dan, until Dan just got too pissed off to participate in them anymore.

    [B]Writing Style][/B

    Mechanics: - 6
    Like Dan, you have a problem when it comes to missing words and using the wrong ones, Pat. Though your mechanics is getting better and you’re getting out of that horrible habit you have of using too many commas. Yay!

    Technique: - 6.5 Unlike Dan, your posts grew less detailed towards the end of the battle, I kind of thought they were better in the beginning and just lost a bit of something right after Dan actually started attacking her. Also, you need to watch out for using the same word over and over again. You used the word ‘girl’ to describe Kid four times in one paragraph. After the second time the reader really starts to notice repetitive words and unless there’s a reason for doing it like that, don’t.

    Clarity: - 6.5 Refer to Dan’s comments.

    Wild Card: - 4 It certainly wasn’t bored reading this battle, but I just expected more from the two of you.



    Totals:

    Dan – 57.5

    Pat – 57.5

    It’s a tie!

    Dan Lagh’ratham receives 2,062 experience and 150 GP!
    Sarah Dahlios receives 1,150 experience and 150 GP!
    Do you ever Feel like a Monster?

    Do you dare to read The Diary of the Dead

    Have you seen my Hollow Daydreams
    Or listened to this Serenade of Haunting Voices
    Pray for The Heart I Once Had
    Then grant A Rose For The Dead'

  4. #14
    Memento Mori
    EXP: 53,567, Level: 9
    Level completed: 96%, EXP required for next level: 433
    Level completed: 96%,
    EXP required for next level: 433
    GP
    7,248
    Witchblade's Avatar

    Name
    Witchblade
    Age
    Unknown
    Race
    Unknown
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Black, like her soul
    Eye Color
    Crimson
    Build
    5'9 / 130lbs
    Job
    Murderer

    EXP and GP added!
    Do you ever Feel like a Monster?

    Do you dare to read The Diary of the Dead

    Have you seen my Hollow Daydreams
    Or listened to this Serenade of Haunting Voices
    Pray for The Heart I Once Had
    Then grant A Rose For The Dead'

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