STORY
Continuity (9/10) ~ At first I was confused by the whole first two posts, but once I got deeper in it made sense. With that said, you lost one point for the confusion and having to try and figure out where that fit in. As a reader, I honestly would’ve stopped reading halfway through the second post because I was lost.
Setting (8/10) ~ I liked the use of the Gol’Bron training grounds and Sorahn’s tent. The forest seemed slightly odd, but it came across ok, so you didn’t lose much there. Overall, well done.
Pacing (8/10) ~ I have a feeling you intended this thread to actually serve as a means to grow Witchblade’s character, however, I felt as a reader new to the storyline that I was highly lost and withdrawn from her story. That one thing alone killed this score. I really need to connect with Witchblade more, even though she is cold and calculating. I can’t give you direction on how to do that, but I can tell you to keep trying because your effort showed and I hope you won’t let the score in this category deter you from that.
CHARACTER
Dialogue (9/10) ~ So much internal dilemma and conflict made for some good body language use – as is found in the tent scene with Sorahn. This REALLY helped your score. You do a good job of combining internal and external communication as well as subtle things in mood and such. I advise you to continue doing this, it is excellent to read when it is there.
Action (9/10) ~ Everything your char did made sense for her to do. Even in the beginning when she came across as slightly scared, I felt it was right along with how it should be. As such, this score reflects that. Well done. Especially getting pissed at Sorahn; I loved that!
Persona (9/10) ~ The emotion from Witchblade was at times very right on point, and at others just SLIGHTLY off-point. The emotions did come across and did fit her, and she did grow from this thread, so for that, you get the score you see.
WRITING STYLE
Mechanics (8/10) ~ There were a few misspellings or misused words, but the big point deduction (ok, so it’s only a point and a half) was the constant use of the past tense was and were. Try to throw in some more past tense actions versus using “She was here and then she was there. She was happy. He was upset with her. They were together. They were upset with one another.” It gets repetitive and can KILL the readability of a thread.
Technique (9/10) ~ The foreshadowing of the beginning sequences with what transpired later, and the subtle use of other literary techniques yielded you a great score here. I would suggest you just keep trudging along with them and let your writing continue to flourish as it has.
Clarity (7/10) ~ The language was good. The use of English was pretty good, too. The problem was how at times I felt like you tried to overdo things. It was almost like you put so much effort into making things “pretty” in terms of words that you would lose your sense of self. It’s hard to explain, but a lot of it felt like you put too much stock in how “pretty” your writing is versus the story you had to tell. No bueno.
Wild Card (9/10) ~ Between character development and good use of various scenes and such, I grant you 9 points for goodness! Yay!
Overall the thread was well-written, but it did seem to drag on at times. Even in the beginning it seemed to drag on. Which makes me think that sometimes leaving things succinct can be your best weapon. Length does not always equate to a good read.
Keep it up and don’t give up. It’s definitely getting better!
Total Score: 85. Well done, few people actually get above 80’s when I judge!
Witchblade gains 5649 EXP and 200 Gold.
Spoils granted as follows:
The Malice evolves. – Usable only during quests and with consent of questing partners(referring to it’s ability to use extra abilities).
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