Hunting and Gathering

[Tsukiko]

I must have fallen asleep while I laid there. Well maybe it wasn’t really sleep since I had no dreams. First thing I noticed was the sound of crickets, they sounded a lot like the crickets at home and I even thought I could smell that awful herbal tea that mom brews when I’m sick. “Ugh, mom. I’m all right, please don’t make me drink it. I’m not that sick.” I moaned before my sights cleared and I could see the gray sky and then the water dwelling trees. Right, I wasn’t home but in Dheathain. The gathering had almost became a disaster as the water wyrm had nearly eaten both of us.

I rolled onto my side and looked around. Worried that my friend didn’t make it but thankfully I saw him sitting there, really close to me. I remembered that I had no clothes on. It was really embarrassing since it was my own hair brained ideas that got me into this mess. I sat up and covered my self with my hands and the blood running to my head as I ran to the sack that kept the supplies to fish out my kimono. I slipped it over my body and quickly tied it.

“That was a bit rougher than planned. At least we got most of the ingredients.” I made a smile though it was a bit awkward. It was a mess at the end and we almost died, and my armor was ruined and gone as was one sword. I really hoped that the bathing suit would be worth the sacrifice. After this I think I would want to have a little vacation. “Well all we need is seaweed and sea water, the coast is nearby. Want to try and get some?” I asked with a swish of my tail. I wanted him to say yes; we were so close.

[A Nony Mouse]

The journey to the shore took the rest of the night; the companions moved slowly thanks to their numerous injuries. Stopping from time to time to examine an interesting insect, plant, or stone, they eventually made their way to the ocean. The warm salty air whipped through Travis’ red hair and pulled Tsukiko’s kimono playfully.

“Here we are,” the traveler stated as he planted his boots in the cool sand. Smoothed stones spotted the shoreline and larger rocks lined the dunes, jutting from the ground like crooked teeth. Dawn was breaking over the water and its reflection danced across the waves in a shimmering path. Gulls flew on the warm updrafts beginning to form in the morning air, wings stretched as wide as they could be.

The scene was a picture of tranquility; the sounds soothing after their recent battle with the great Faoi. “So what do we need here?” Travis asked the kitsune. She related the ingredients necessary and the warrior decided that she could handle that herself.

As Tsukiko ran toward the breaking waves, Travis turned toward the rock-lined dunes and began exploring. Poking into one of the larger caverns, he saw a creature resembling a lizard resting on a large rock. Upon closer inspection, he realized the beast had wings tucked against its back. A flying lizard, though it’s a little small to be a dragon… the creature puzzled Travis and he slowly pulled back from the cave and continued his search.

The next large cavern he came across was nearly sixteen feet wide. Pushing through the narrow entrance, Travis examined the interior with mild interest. I would never have expected to find caverns in the dunes, he thought.

A low rumble startled him and he turned toward the noise, staring into the gloom. Leaning back against one of the rock walls was a strange figure. Glowing red eyes seemed to stare through him and orange lines coursed across the stranger’s chest. He was powerfully built; the muscles of his shoulders and arms bulged at his skin. But what frightened Travis the most was the man’s face. Twisted into a nightmarish form with teeth filed to sharp points, his head gave him an evil air.

“I’ve been waiting, Travis,” the man whispered.

A huge sword materialized out of the air into the man’s grip. Glowing from within, the giant broadsword seemed to have a life of its own. Its razor-thin edge whipped through the air testing the redhead’s defense. Travis dodged back from its path, his hand instinctively reaching for his cypress pole. Wood against a giant sword? he realized. That cannot end well. His moment of indecision cost him though and the blade slashed through his chest.

Instead of searing pain, Travis felt only a cold wave strike him as the broadsword passed through him. The man laughed as his body dissipated into shadow and blew away into the air.

Sweat dripping from his brow and his mind racing, Travis fell to his knees. First the ghost and now this!? What is going on? Scanning the cavern for anything else out of the ordinary, he quickly pushed his way out and onto beach beyond. Standing up and brushing himself off, he ran toward the kitsune still combing the sand.

“Tsukiko!” he called to her. “We need to talk!”

[Tsukiko]

The last ingredients were going to be easy. I smiled as Travis asked what they were. “Oh, just seaweed and sea water. It’ll be easy.” And It was since those ingredients were so common on any beach. There was always seawater and when the tide was low there would be seaweed on the beach so I wouldn’t have to get wet. While I enjoy swimming, there was the problem of being so close to the swamp that another Faoi might just notice me take a dip and I didn’t think I could handle another one of those beasts.

So all I had to do was find some seaweed and then get some water then we could probably enjoy the beach. It was very pretty with the sun rising over the waves and giving them an orange hue. Travis seemed to have wandered off but I was sure he would be fine.

I easily found the seaweed once I got looking and the sea water was there for the taking. Finally I would be finished and it was going to be at an end and I would have my new bathing suit. Travis even seemed to run up to me to congratulate my accomplishment. Or so I thought. Once my friend was closer, I could see he was pale and there was fear in his mind.

My tail puffed up and I shivered a little when I saw his face. “Travis, what’s wrong?” I asked not sure what was going on now.

[A Nony Mouse]

Travis ran up to his friend, breathless and shaking. The encounter in the cave had left him deeply troubled. By all rights, he should be dead. “I was just attacked,” he gasped when he was close enough. Tsukiko look worried, so he added, “Its sword went right through me; I hardly felt anything at all.” Drawing in deep breaths to try and calm himself, the red-haired warrior continued. “He was like nothing I’ve ever seen; like what I think of when I picture demons. Only incredibly worse.” Closing his eyes to calm his nerves, he forced himself to stop shaking.

When he had regained a modicum of composure, he went on, “Do you remember me telling you about that ghost I saw? I feel like these two events are connected somehow… I just can’t explain it.” Hoping that his traveling companion had some knowledge to share, Travis waited for her response.

However, visions of the brute’s evil grin as he lunged forward with the giant sword kepy playing over in his mind. The filed teeth dripping with saliva, the blackened armor glowing with an ethereal pulse, the clawed gauntlets; he was sure his sleep would be troubled for weeks.

[Tsukiko]

Ghosts were not good. “Hopefully it’s just the beach.” I said as I put my hand on Travis’ Shoulder. “Sadly I really don’t know what to do. I’ve never dealt with ghosts.” I looked into my friend’s eyes and smiled. “Anyway we’re done here. Hopefully the ghosts won’t follow. But even then maybe one of the fae in the city can help else. Either way, I got everything I need.”

It was good to have that adventure done. It had started out easy and a little dull but then the swamp monster that we needed and it almost killed us. Ruined my armor and almost ate us. But it was over and I could claim my prize from the fae enchantress.

“Thank you for helping me. I don’t think I could get most the ingredients without you. Is there any way you’d like me to show my thanks?” My tail wagged as I realized that I had offered quite a lot. Well if he asked something silly then I could refuse.

But either way I had gotten the needed ingredients and a new friend. It was a very productive trip.

((OOC note: I’m sorry for this gathering thread. It was rather fun to write but

Spoils:

4 Smokey crystals
3 blue crystals
2 clear crystals
3scales of a Faoi
Root of a Triagh tree
Gills of a Maerrigh fish
seawater
seawed

Anti spoil: Tsu's iron armor is gone. it's brken and rusting at the bottom of a swamp.

Please deduct exp and/or gold instead of removing spoils^^ *Hugs the judge*))

[A Nony Mouse]

It had been quite an adventure, Travis felt as if he had known Tsukiko for much longer than a few days. The friendly kitsune was someone he could trust; he liked that feeling. Still, the ghosts plagued his thoughts… What does it all mean? he wondered. The answer, unfortunately, would have to wait.

“I have business elsewhere,” Travis told his companion. “But when that concludes, we can try to collect some of the things on my list.” Tsukiko agreed and the two headed back to their room at the inn.

Spoils:
One clear crystal
One black crystal
One blue crystal
One green crystal
One crystallized vortex

Please deduct gold if necessary; I'd like the normal exp and the requested spoils more than money

[Zook Murnig]

As requested, little to no comments. If you would like help on how to improve in a particular area, my screenname is at the bottom of this judgment.

Quest Judging
Hunting and Gathering

STORY ~ 10/30

Continuity ~ 4/10 I knew basically why they were doing all of this. That's about it. A couple minor things about their backgrounds, but that was still unnecessarily murky.
Setting ~ 3/10 When it was described, the setting was rather bland. It felt painted on, rather than alive and fluid. And during action sequences, or dialogue, it was almost completely forgotten. Also, what does a crystallized vortex look like? Remember to describe objects, and their properties properly. A dehlar sword wouldn't be incredibly sharp, owing to the fact that dehlar doesn't form edges very well. Domaru armor isn't revealing at all. And one would normally wear at least rudimentary clothing underneath their armor.
Pacing ~ 3/10 Quick and slow for no particular reason. Suspenseful portions were over too quickly, but you spent a long time just poking around for the crystals.

CHARACTER ~ 9.5/30

Dialogue ~ 3.5/10 A lot of the dialogue, and internal dialogue, was really cliché or wooden. Sometimes both.

“Damn you. I have to repair that now.” I yelled at the cat as it tried to pounce and finish me off.

This was particularly irksome. She nearly got filleted by a large feline, and she's more worried about how much damage was done to her clothes than to her. This also counted against you in Persona.
Action ~ 4/10 Repetition on the part of Anonymouse was problematic, though you took care of that towards the end. See Pacing for other notes on this.
Persona ~ 2/10 I got a feel for your characters, sure. But that feel was pretty damn shallow. Tsukiko was like something ripped out of a generic anime, and the nudity obsession kind of threw me for a loop. Travis was a little better defined and deeper, but not much. He said, thought, and did everything for the sake of progressing the story, and not much else.

WRITING STYLE ~ 9/30

Technique ~ 2/10 Very little. 'Nuff said.
Mechanics ~ 3/10 Anonymouse, you were okay with your spelling and grammar. However, Tsukiko, you need to proofread. Big time. Spelling was atrocious at times, and run-ons were rampant. On top of that, you used the complete wrong words several times, which made me very confused (see Clarity).
Clarity ~ 4/10 Most everything was clear, when it wasn't being muddied up by poor word choice and spelling errors.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 3.5/10 To be quite honest, I didn't enjoy this very much, and the ghost bits were pretty arbitrary and meaningless.

TOTAL ~ 32

All spoils (and anti-spoils) granted. EXP and GP adjusted accordingly.

Tsukiko gains 1400 EXP
Anonymouse gains 600 EXP

If you have any questions about the judgment or how you can improve, PM me or send me a message on AIM, screen name SuperSonicMatt1.

[Zook Murnig]

EXP ADDED!