Embrace the Dead: Travis v. Edward

[A Nony Mouse]

He woke in the familiar stone room with several Ai’Bron monk-mages scurrying about. Although he had battled many times before, Travis was sure that he would never get used to waking up from death. It cheapens it, really, he thought. When he eventually returned to the world outside of the Pagoda, he would have to be careful not to risk too much. Out there, no Ai’Bron magic waited to snatch you from Death’s hands.

“Who won?” he asked curiously. Typically upon waking, he knew what the outcome of the battle had been. And although dying had no effect on one’s judgment, it was nice to know who had been victorious.

“It was too close to call,” answered one of the monks rushing about the room. “You’ll receive judgment when your opponent regains consciousness.

Travis left the room and returned to his personal quarters. Battling in the Roilig had not been such a great idea after all. Learn from your mistakes, Travis told himself. Battling Edward has only served to make him stronger; he would now be more ready to face the next challenger.

“You did well, Edward.”

[Ataraxis]

Quest Judging
Embrace the Dead: Travis vs. Edward

I apologize for the wait! There was trouble in the Midwest, the kind I couldn’t ignore.

But more importantly, Red is Travis, Blue is Edward!

STORY

Continuity ~

5/10. I frankly didn’t get much information about Travis. You dealt with the Pagoda-related points rather well, explaining how he became a warrior, those he fought and what he expects of his time there. As a character existing outside the world of the Pagoda, however, I almost got nothing. There was the fact that he used the forest of his childhood as an arena, but with a setting that’s perfect for continuity (making him remember certain key places in the forest that marked him as a child, expounding on his relation to the Roilig – if any – and what he knows about its strange, life-draining properties) your use of it was very minimal.

All in all, with what you gave me, I still don’t know squat Travis’ life before the Pagoda. Nothing in depth is needed, but just short references here and there to make him less of a character that exists only at the moment I read about him. On a side note, you mentioned Mriswiths and Liors. I know the former is a creature-type from the Sword of Truth and that the latter is an Australian singer. My point is, try to at least put in a minimum of descriptions when you introduce things that people might not know about, or else mentioning them in the first place is rather pointless.

3/10. The above applies to you as well, Ed. Moreover, the reason you gave for participating in this were rather generic. Granted, “placing one’s name amongst the best” is a very common reason when participating in fights and contests, but I would’ve liked to know about his motivation. He’s been preparing for this for a year, apparently, so it’s almost like the Olympics. Everyone in there competes to be the best, but each individual has a reason, like bringing pride to their country or making fun of the countries that lose.

Why does Ed compete? That’s a question to which I’ve gotten no answer, and that’s only Pagoda related. I know next to nothing about who he is or what he does, I just know he’s a guy with a sword who uses electricity to fight. That’s the extent of my knowledge on your character after an eleven-post battle. Also, don’t presume that people will know the effect of your attacks because you mentioned their names. Tempest Tantrum does not tell me it’s a spell that creates an electrical field that has a half-a-yard radius and that causes mild damage to people caught within it.

Setting ~

5/10. Well it’s a forest. Still, you were consistent in dishing out descriptions where description was due. However, they lack a certain oomph. That’s a bit due to technique and a certain dearth of rhetorical devices, because the occasional, striking metaphor would have worked wonders here. Your descriptions were also solely visual, while you could have given some attention to the smell of the forest, of the ash, the sound of the arena or the absence thereof: as in, have Travis notice that the difference between the forest of his childhood and this one was how dead and silent it was in comparison, without animals, without wind, with everything frozen in time and the like. By the by, black ash isn’t exactly black but more dark greyish with black dapples, so Travis’ soles wouldn’t quite take on that color. No points docked, though, because this being a fantasy world, ashes becoming jet black are the least of our worries.

As for interaction, you had Travis run up a slanted tree for a leap slash, but that was about it. Of course, you never ignored the life-stealing aspect of the arena, though it’s not enough to get bonus points here. If the ashes were explicitly described as the medium through which the energy was drained, and that you played with that by kicking dirt in the guy’s face or throwing him down to roll him across the clearing, then you would’ve gotten a bonus for being awesome.

2/10. I had the distinct feeling that you were lacking a setting as I read. When I reviewed your posts individually, it became clear that you had nearly nothing in this category. You had Edward bump his knee on a rock. There’s not much to work with here. I can show you parts where description would have been most useful, but otherwise I can only suggest that you have your character act not on a stage with a cheap background, but in a real, three-dimensional world that’s more than ground, rocks, trees and the sky. Even then, ground, rocks trees and the sky would have already been a substantial improvement compared to what was displayed in this battle. When you write, try seeing through Edward’s eyes, then think of everything he feels through his senses. For example: he’s in a forest (not the same forest as the one in this battle). He sees everything I’ve mentioned above, but also underbrush, fallen sticks, hollow boles, webs in the low-hanging leaves, a cliff side, mole hills, scree from a landslide. What does he smell? That sharp smell of pine trees, a waft from a nearby field of aromatic flowers, the rot from a mushroom-infested log. Do the same with hearing and, in special occasions, maybe even taste (as in, if a village has just been burned, he could smell and taste the burnt fat that travels in the air, making his lips sticky – three birds, one stone).

"Ah, Edward. Your first Warrior rank match is ready now." One of the monks said to him, as he showed the way to a portal. Edward was quite surprised that after he had waited for only an hour, the warrior had acepted his challenge. After thanking the monk, Edward headed through the portal.

When Edward arrived on the other side, he immediately felt his lifeforce getting drained by some kind of aura in the area. It wasn't just him either, there didn't seem to be anything that remained alive, save for the Warrior he had challenged, a human that went by the name of Travis Kiltias.

I expected : a description of the Citadel leading to the portal, a description of the portal, and the arena on the other side of the portal.

The arena had drained him of so much energy that he would be forced to use the full strength version of Tempest Tantrum, because anything left would ultimately fail to even go off, which likely meant that even the full powered version would go no no more than a foot out in every direction.

There was also the side effect of him going unconcious after using it to consider, but this was a moment of desperation for Edward, so he decided the risk was worth it. Letting loose with everything he had, Edward's body fell limp. He, too would be unable to know the true outcome of the battle.


Edward woke up in the Medical wing of the Pagoda. One of the monks was watching over him, with a concerned expression on his face.

I expected : a description of the Tempest Tantrum as it went into effect, or if you really went by real physics and the electric field wasn’t visible, then a description of the effects it would have on the surroundings. This being fantasy, though, a big flashy Electromagnetic Pulse straight out of Hollywood would’ve worked quite well. In any case, you only told us what he did. Show us. Show the reader what he did, how he did it, and what happened when he did. Reading ‘He used his Tempest Tantrum and fainted’ isn’t as descriptive as ‘before the knife could tear into his chest, Edward mustered every ounce of power he had left into his final act. The hair on his arms bristled to a stand as blue sparks jolted about his skin, until the accumulated energy was all unleashed in dome of blinding light.” Corny, perhaps, but it at least feels more adequate to read.

Pacing ~


6.5/10. Beside the fact that it ended rather abruptly, I enjoyed how you paced things throughout the battle. The part where Travis crawls back to stab Edward was especially nice. You also knew how to play your weaknesses rather well, and made taking hits something of an art. The battle itself, being rather basic and lacking any sort of interaction that could really hook a reader, is what mainly brought down the score.

3.5/10. Your posts were sometimes too short, and you often spent most of them describing at length his train of thought and various options before actually making a move. This gets in the way of the livefeel of a battle. When I read those paragraphs, Edward might as well have stopped time, gone to sit on a rock to mull things over a minute or two, then come back and go on with the fight. Yes, describing the thought process (or not having time to think) can be good devices to play with the tension and to show in just how much crap the character is, but it seemed more like you were writing everything you could think of to make the reader feel as if Edward is this incredible strategist who can think all of that in what should be the fraction of a second. In any case, it slowed things down and actually killed the tension, because it detracts from the fight itself. A paragraph should contain a train of thought in narrative, yes, but the train of thought shouldn’t make up the bulk of three to four paragraphs. That’s overkill.

Pacing is something that’s very depending on how well you feel it while writing. Still, I suggest that you reread your post right after you’re done with it, then ask yourself ‘does this feel like a battle should feel?’ Imagine your favourite fight scene from a movie and how it gets you all riled up. Does that post feel anything like it? It obviously won’t be the same, but it should at least have you on edge. Also, do understand that I’m not asking that you write this like a movie, because that will likely not work. There are just tricks to the trade to make your writing have the desired effect on the reader, tricks that you learn the more you work on your writing.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~

5.5/10. There wasn’t really much, and what was there didn’t exactly shine. However, it didn’t feel like the dialogue of everyday Joe, nor did it feel like the lines from a Saturday morning children’s show. It’s funny how you changed the American clichéd ‘What else ya got’ into the medieval-fantasy ‘What else do you have for me’. In any case, you could try by showing more of his emotions through his dialogue. My main impression is that he states rather matter-of-factly the situation he’s in, or what’s best in that situation. “It’s all about control”, “I need to stop lamenting manners and just finish him”, “No, it wouldn’t be half as bad if we’d fought anywhere but here”, etc. It’s not emotionless, but it’s missing a bit of Travis’ personality. It’s not generic, but it’s not particular either. I don’t know if he’s the sarcastic kind with dark humor, but I think something along those lines would work for him quite well.

4/10. I’ll ignore the dialogue with the monks (which wasn’t really stellar, but that’s okay) and focus on Edward. That thing he said to distract Travis? Even if you claim it was meant to make no sense, it didn’t look like the linguistic mess of a guy who wants to make a linguistic mess. It felt forced, not by him, but by you. If you wanted him to speak erratically, that way was far from the best, and I think you knew that and thus tried to cover it up a bit. In any case, beside one or two other lines, there wasn’t much in the way of dialogue. I did get that he’s the kind to care about people he shouldn’t even consider caring about from his last line, which gives toy a small boost in score here. Try reading his lines to yourself, and ask yourself if it sounds awkward or not. If it does, and it wasn’t supposed to, then work with it until you have it right. Try working his personality in his dialogue as well, a bit like you did in your last line.

Action ~

7/10. Other than fighting realistically, playing your weaknesses and taking calculated risks, I really enjoyed the neck cracking. I rarely ever see people crack their necks anymore. Yes, this is a very weird praise. On another note, I was surprised at how surprised Travis was when Ed got him with an electric spell. Heck, the guy read right before the battle that it was Ed’s specialty. Of course, he thinks battles should be mano a mano, sword to sword and the like, but he should be smart enough to know that people are going to use all of their assets to get a win, especially since Travis, as a Hierarch, has the home court advantage.

4.5/10. You know, it seems Edward always has the time to think of every little angle, of every little option, and then can seamlessly use the best course of action in record time? In the time it took Travis to strike with his polearm, Ed charged his sword with an electric spell, then shot an electric missile as he took the hit. On top of all, you forgot to write the crucial action that would lead to Ed getting his knee busted, that is, blocking the hit from the bladed tip of Travis’ polearm. Later on, you did take into account the additional damage to that knee, which is commendable.

However, even if you kept referring to Edward getting weaker, he sure didn’t seem like he was. How many times did he use the electric missile? Once to charge his rapier, another to hit Travis in the chest, and another as a distraction before he came up and struck him with both the rapier and the sheath. Now, according to your profile, he’s drained after three uses. Then, how did he manage to use, not only the Shock Beam for the full three seconds, then the Tempest Tantrum at full power to keep from it backfiring, while he’s already so enfeebled by that life-draining field? In these conditions, he shouldn’t even have been able to shoot all three electric missiles.

Persona ~

5/10.I can’t say I got a lot of personality from either of your characters. Travis seemed to stay within a consistent behaviour, while Edward was a bit erratic, showing a good amount at a time, close to nothing at another, or a personality that doesn’t really fit his character at other rarer times. I guess all I can suggest to help is for ANM to bring it out more of Travis, and for Ed to even things out a bit more, for, well, Ed. Bringing out the personality more couldn’t hurt in your case, either.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~

6/10. A nice, flowing style. It’s got good descriptions, and is enough to pull the reader in a bit. With a different story and an actual plot, you could probably work wonders here, if you remember to include more literary devices to spice things up.

4.5/10. It’s a bit hectic, and at times it looks more like you’re writing a draft of what should happen in a post than the actual post. Basically, that means that you seem to write things down as you think them, without putting yourself in Edward’s shoes beforehand (or just putting on one of his shoes). That gives off a dissipated atmosphere to your writing, where one sentence links to another somewhat crudely like water-warped pieces from a puzzle. Work on making it read more like a book than thoughts thrown onto paper. Take your time with it, spend a few more minutes than you usually do to make a sentence flow better, sound better, look better. Eventually, you’ll find out that the pieces fit a lot better than they did before.

Mechanics ~

8.5/10. Very few mistakes, with only a few stumbles due to punctuation. There were a few places that could’ve done well with a period or semi-colon instead of a comma, because the idea of each segment were different enough to warrant something stronger than a comma. Some of those can be found in the annexed notes.

6/10. Quite a lot of typos and strange syntax. Most of those can be found in the annexed notes.

Clarity ~

9/10. Almost spic and span clear. Some of the actions could’ve been slightly clearer, but that’s almost nitpicking.

8/10. Typos and the like got in the way, but it was simple enough that there wasn’t much that could confuse me.


MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~

5/10. It was good writing, and enjoyable to read. The battle itself wasn’t exactly special, so I couldn’t give you any higher here.

3/10. Despite how harsh I might’ve been, I’ve read your writing before and I do think you’ve improved quite a bit. With a better plot and more time to shine, you could’ve easily gotten more.


TOTAL ~

62.5/100.

43.5/100.

A Nony Mouse wins!


EXP Rewards

Travis Kiltias gains: 1100 XP!

Edward Judorne gains: 300 XP!

GP Rewards

I’ll get back to you guys about this, to check up on modifiers and boni that I wouldn’t know about.


FINAL NOTES

Congratulations, men, and keep using the Pagoda!

This gave made it really hard to get the drop on ranked Warriors as well. (2) This made it really hard

Note: You’d think that upon going through a portal, the first thing you’d notice would be the surroundings, and then the energy-draining aura. However, you completely omitted the Setting there.

The red-haired Warrior saw the effects of the Roilig begin to take their toll on Edward, immediately upon stepping through the portal his eyes had grayed. (3) a semi-colon instead of the comma, a comma between ‘portal’ and ‘his’. OR: “(…)take their toll on Edward, for his eyes had grayed immediately upon stepping through the portal.”

Mriswiths and Liors lurked in the Roilig (3) I remember Mriswiths being from the Sword of Truth series, but the only Lior I know of is an Australian singer. Either way, you need to describe what these things you introduced are, or else mentioning them is useless. Also, I’m not one to dock points for using ideas from published authors, especially since you’re not making money out of this, but still be wary of that.

their soles soon stained black from the ash coating everything (3) I don’t remember ashes being particularly black. Greyish, with dapples of white and black, maybe.

[i]It’s all about control,[/] (3) Quickly look over your posts in case of coding problems like this
and make let the attack hit (4) and let the attack hit
that Edward was used to destroying in a heartbeat (4) I’m not sure what you meant. That Edward was used to being destroyed in a heartbeat?

Note: In that post, you never actually said you blocked the tip to let the butt-end strike your knee. You only mentioned a second blow

polearm,s (4) polearm’s
sshoot (4) shoot
anothe (4) another
electrical missle (4) missile

This was a pretty short post, so I wonder why you didn’t double-check to see these obvious typos.

With any luck, he could curve the missle into travis, when he tried to dodge, Either way, if that one missle hit anything metal on his opponent, (4) missile, Travis, semi-colon instead of the comma between ‘dodge’ and ‘either’, ‘any metal’ or ‘anything metallic’

and spending him spiraling (5) sending him spiraling

Edward clearly had some magical abilities and Travis wasn’t about to fall for the same trap twice. (5) Didn’t he read a letter describing Edward as specializing in electric attacks? That sentence reads as if that jolt of electricity came as a total surprise.

It was an odd question, to be sure, just the fact that this man, Travis expected him to tell him his tricks seemed funny to Edward. (6) I suggest rereading each sentence you complete and focus on both typos and the punctuation. “It was an odd question, to be sure; just the fact that this man, Travis, expected (…)” Or you could put a period instead of a semi-colon to get two sentences.
decided to let travis (6) Travis
knowing full well, Travis would be ready for it (6) knowing full well that Travis
two attacks: A swift thrust (6) two attacks: a swift thrust
lost sight of his opponent for a split second. When he finally caught a glimpse of his opponent, (8) repeated word, opponent. Try to vary the nouns.

Note: I wanted to comment on how easily you had Edward dodge Travis’ finisher, but I have to admit that the time between the hit that put Edward off balance and the moment Travis jumped off the tree would be long enough for Ed to recover his poise. Also, that time would be enough for Ed to realize that the only attack that could come from Travis’ actions is a diving slash, which is avoidable as long as you’re somewhat prepared for it.

the blade reached it's target (10) its

Note: You should know I have no idea what the Tempest Tantrum is by its name alone. I had to look at your profile to understand what kind of an attack it was other than a point-blank range electrical spell of some sort. You also skipped on describing the attack, so it’s a basic case of telling instead of showing as you should.

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!