Enemies in the Gates

[Yamihara]

Asuka prayed the arrow did not leave the crossbow.

The bolt flew free, beyond the grasp of the frantic maiden whose hands failed to reach the projectile in time.

Asuka prayed the arrow did not fly true, for it to miss its mark and plant itself harmlessly against the far wall away from her sister.

The bolt cut through the air like a homing hornet, burying itself between the shackled white doll between her breasts.

A silent gasp escaped the little girl's lips before the room was deluged in a sea of horrified murmurs, coming from the Councilmen and the dressed guards who lined against the walls.

Asuka wished the girl before her was not Mariko. But how could her eyes lied to her when the girl, pinned with a bolt through her heart and a red bib forming down her snow-white dress... Was that of the very person she had returned to see.

"MARIKO!!"

No- No! This isn't happening!

Asuka stumbled onto her knees as she pried her hands from the death-giver crossbow, the other girl standing silent with a grimace on her face. The maiden wanted to run... Run to her sister to make sure she was alright, but her legs held no strength of their own. Not even her arms moved to her will, sprawled uselessly against the cold black floor.

...No...

A flood of memories returned to her mind, of the day she decided to leave the Yamihara Estate on the 150th year anniversary. The day where the servants, maids and her sister came to give her one last good-bye. The promise she made to her young dark-eyed baby sister... That fateful day.

"Be strong, Mariko. I will return some day."

Those words pierced the maiden deep inside, tearing at her very beating heart as if to sunder the life out of her being. Hot tears welled and overflowed down her cheeks, yet she could feel no sensation within her mind.

The promise she made... All but gone in a single second of life.

"<There, I have done what is required to prove my identitiy.>" The flame-hair girl threw down the cursed crossbow, turning to make her final statement to the Council. "<I am Yamihara Asuka, eldest daughter of the late Duke Yamihara Hiroi. I have come to reclaim what is rightfully mine.>"

The members of the High Court, discussing amongst themselves, whispered their verdict of approval. Their eyes turned to the Mistress, who promptly rose to announce her decision.

"<Your wish shall be granted, Asuka. Guards, arrest the imposter and throw her into the deepest of dungeouns. Let it be an example of what happens to those who try to usurp the title of a Caretaker of Akashima.>"

The guards, forming two columns of two, marched from their positions to the contestants in the center of the room. One column lifted the feeble girl onto her feet, lending their support in place of her own, while the other took hold of her arms in tight vice-like grips.

"<WHA- Hey, what is the meaning of this!?>" The arrested maiden protested amidst her struggling, upsetting the column of soldiers with kicks and curses. "<I'm the real Asuka, have you forgotten, woman?! Now let me go!>"

...what's going on...?

Asuka slowly raised her head as the commotion began to escalate, finding the other maiden being restrained by two more guards who abandoned their halberds to arrest her flailing legs. Her eyes turned to meet the cold, doll-like visage.

"<The true Asuka would never injure her younger sister willingly, imposter. Mariko's life is as valuable to her as the Yamihara name. Should you be the real Asuka, you would have known.>"

...So... Does that mean...

"...Heheheh... So is that it, old woman...?"

The flame-hair maiden, still restrained by the soldiers and surrounded by halberds, chuckled as of having come to a realization. The Council members stopped their low muttering and stared at the young maiden, unease washing over their faces. Suddenly, clouds of smoke erupted from the ground where the imposter stood. Halberdiers were thrown from their feet, crashing onto their backs in all directions even before the others had time to react. Asuka stepped back, strength having partially regained from the shock of urgency brought on by the surprised cries of pain coming from within the smoke as an unarmed guard collapsed on the floor, holding a growing red spot on his side.

"...So if I can't take this House by guile, I'll take it by force!"

The Imposter sneered as she stood, clad from head to toe in dark skin-tight garb, with a circle of hooded fighters brandishing their knives and claws in the middle of the room.

-Ninja!

The urgency of the situation snapped the flame-hair maiden from shock, just in time to avoid an airborne shuriken as it grazed her ear. The halberdiers rushed in to engage the clandestine fighters, the meeting hall turning into one frenzied battlefield within the span of only a few seconds.

Darnit-! What's going on here?!

Asuka ducked and dodged the assailing blades, returning a few punches at straying faces and bodies as they came into reach. Her eyes sought the Mistress, but a quick glance up towards the elusive woman's throne revealed that the members of the High Court had already been escorted out the room.

Oh, that's just great!

One of the ninja launched a clawed fist at her face, attempting to blindside the lass and cut her life short. Asuka leaned away from the deadly hooks just in time, delivering a cross punch clean across the assassin's face. Seeing him fall limp onto the floor, Asuka spun around to find out where her sister's body remained.

"Don't turn your back on the enemy, Asuka!"

A punch rocked the maiden's head, sending Asuka reeling along the black granite hall in a spinning world of flashing blades and darkened figures. Shaking her head, pristine blue eyes shot at the aggressor who stood mocking with hands on hips.

"I thought you could do better than that, Asuka of the Yamihara House. After all, you were a survivor in the Serenti those many months before."

The flame-hair ninja sneered, cracking her knuckles as if preparing herself for a fight. The woman had a very similar face to Asuka's own, but the twisted grin turned the ninja's face into one of haughty arrogance. A face Asuka abhorred.

"Why are you doing this, Imposter." The Yamihara maiden snarled, drawing up her guards with gauntlet-encased fists. "Why target the Yamihara House."

"My, my. I really can't tell you that, can I?"

The two stared at each other as the battle raged on all around them, perhaps oblivious to the fact that a single wrong step outside of their arena would be met with a half dozen blades through their backs. As if a leaf, blown in through the windows high above on the balcony, had lighted on the floor between them, the two fighters rushed in with fists cocked and eyes locked on their targets.

[Yamihara]

The flurry of battle raised a dire urgency within the maiden's mind, forcing adrenaline flowing through her veins and sugar replenishing energy lost in the weariness of her previous tests. Her reflexes became sharper than it was, being able to see the deadly fists of her imposter coming in from angles she would perviously not be able to avoid.

A step to the right caused the strike to go wide, Asuka countering the enemy's blunder with a rapid punch into the gut. The Imposter gasped for air, but quickly recovered to slam an elbow clean across the maiden's chest in retaliation. Both fighters backed off from one another, scrapes and bright red bruises forming along their faces and arms.

"Keh, you're not half bad as they say. But I've heard you were better when you were a fighter in the Serenti Invitational."

The Imposter spat blood from her lips, drawing out the slim blade of a wakizashi hidden in her belt. The sight of the weapon drew concern from the Yamihara heir, but the cryptic words picked at her mind.

"Before I pummel you into a bloody pulp, I want to know why you're here and what have you done to my family."

The flame-hair ninja giggled as if a little girl playing with her puppy, but her tone was nowhere near friendly.

"As if I'll tell you without a fight, Asuka. After all, what I have to do here is not as important as what will come later. I might tell, you..."

Suddenly, the ninja was nowhere in sight.

"...when you're breathing your last!"

-Behind!

Almost upon instinct, the gauntlets rose on their own as Asuka spun to face her foe. The sharp blade of the ninja's short sword slammed noisily against steel plates lining the outside of her arm, allowing the fighter to escape death by merely quarter of an inch. The force of impact threw the lass off-balanced, sending her staggering across the slippery surface and bouncing onto a fellow Akashiman. However, the flash of a sword's edge caused her to immediately duck out of the way, just as the kodachi of an assassin sliced into the neck of the halberdier she had leaned into.

THAT... Was too close.

"Too slow!"

The flame-hair ninja sent down an overhead strike at the crouched noble, causing Asuka to frantically leap out of the way with only a split second to spare. Spinning on her heel, the lass let out a cry as she launched an ambitious straight right at her enemy who was still recovering from the impact of tempered steel against stone.

-WHUMP-

"Close, girlie. But no cigar."

Asuka winced as she realized the enemy had firmly caught her punch and was not letting go. The two remained forzen in a deathlock, knowing that if one were to move the other would surely do as well to counter the action. It was Asuka's sharp eyes that saw the subtle flicker of the Imposter's blade that prompted her to withdrew her arm, mere seconds away from being cut off by the sharp wakizashi's edge.

Darnit! I'm going to beat the daylight out of her for this!

Asuka glared, watching for an opening in the enemy's defence. Landing a few lucky punches was not going to end the fight... She would have to hit it with everything she got.

***

"...Well, now. This is getting to be very interesting."

A female spectator whistled as the battle raged on beneath her feet, her flowing crimson hair a clear contrast in the darkened shadows. The view from the balcony allowed a complete scope of the battlefield as well as being far enough to comment on each actors without betraying their existence.

"But it looks to me your favorite is having a tough time with that ninja. By my guess, her simple moveset won't be enough to knock that gal unconscious in a single barrage."

Myra frowned as she heard her fellow Guardian's analysis, wondering what in the world he was talking about.

"What is this, a fighting game? Give her some time and that girl can beat around an army senseless! That's the way, Asuka! Easy does it!"

Ruka, stroking his chin thoughtfully as he watched the conditions of both fighters, thought otherwise. While the heir to the Yamihara House was looking worse for the wear, having been exhausted from her catharsis earlier that day as well as having to brave the bandits on their way to the Estate, the ninja was well-rested and still showed much strength and finess. If Asuka could not finish her attack within the next few minutes, there was no way the ninja usurper could lose.

***

...Dammit... Why is she not going down already...?!

The maiden gasped for air as she staggered on unsettled legs, her guards raised to defend against the slashing blades of the short sword. Her opponent, the flame-hair ninja, was still in prime condition and only breaking a light sweat. The wakizashi hovered in the air, held menacingly no differently from that of a striking mantis, awaiting an opening to slay its intended victim.

"How does it feel to be killed in your own House, oh, noble Asuka? Your father, mother and sister have already gone, so why wait any longer to join them? I'm sure they'll love to live as a family again."

Urusai... Asuka cursed the sly woman's words, trying to brand her hypnotic suggestions as annoying distractions. I will not allow myself to be killed by the likes of you.

"Now that you're about to die, I'll tell you a little about what you'll be missing out on. It's a shame, really, that you won't be around to see our grand scheme take form."

Asuka tensed up, though her eyes remained wary of the ninja's every moves.

"Once I become head of the Yamihara House, we will open the way for our allies the Coalition to move in. Once that's taken care of, we'll going to replace each and every one of you nobles and retake what should rightfully be ours. You've taken away much of our lands and lives. And I won't forget what your father did to our village those many years before..."

The assassin paused for a second, as if contemplating on what she had done. Asuka remained on guard, but with guarded apprehension, as to why her opponent had suddenly desisted in her attacks. She could see a flicker of sadness in the imposter's eyes.

"...That's why I will never allow myself to lose to you!"

Asuka stepped back just as the ninja rushed in, the wakizashi flashing just a hair away from her eyes.

Her brain froze, as if shutting itself down at the moment the tempered steel blade passed by her vision. A split second later, the maiden leaned into her attacker and returned with her own resolution.

***

"Mmm, nice move. Although, that would hardly be enough to stop the fight."

Ruka nodded approvingly, much to the dismay of his fiery acquaintance. Storming across the balcony, she trampled across some of the small sproutlings the Guardian of the Forest had been nourishing while watching the small fight going down.

"Take that back, Ruka. Asuka can beat that ninja senseless if she wanted to. She's just... You know, a little tired. That's all."

"And if she's tired, that ninja will take her head off."

Myra grimaced, the notion of having her favorite fighter removed from existence did not sit good with her.

"Well, then. I guess I'll give her a little bit of my powers then."

Snapping her fingers, a tiny spark of flame erupted from between her fingers.

"But not too much, darling."

***

"YAH-!"

Asuka drilled her fists into her attacker's stomach, three consecutive punches pummeling into the soft belly of the ninja through her dark suit. Heat built up at the tip of her gauntlet, glowing slightly but unseen from the rapid strikes flashing through the air. Weariness gripped at the maiden's arms, but she would not rest until her foe had been defeated.

"HAH!"

With the last of her strength, Asuka drew back her arm before plowing a massive right shovel hook into her enemy's stomach, an explosive fire erupting from the contact and launching the lightly-armored ninja clean through the air. The great explosion shook the halls, causing all heads to turn from their battle and watch the assassin's leader land in a senseless heap. Seconds passed, but the female assassin did not stir from her fall.

"...hah... hah... hah..."

The only faint echoes heard came from the labored breaths of the heir to the Estate, still poised in the stance that had knocked their leader out for the count. Still slightly shaken by the strange and sudden explosion of power, Asuka almost lost her footing after the adrenaline rush had subsided. Staggering slightly as she composed herself, she turned her eyes to meet the rest of the battlefield.

"...Your leader is lost, so there's no point for you to go on fighting. Surrender now and your lives will be spared."

The true Heir of Yamihara has returned.

[Yamihara]

~Epilogue: Return of the Tomboy~

"Nee-chan! Okaerinasai!"

The early afternoon sun shown brightly in the royal chambers when the servants entered with lunch, an ecstatic little girl in lily white dress rushing past the platter bearers to reach her sister's bedside. The young girl crouched by her sister's bed, tears welling in her eyes even though it was a time of joy.

"Mariko!"

The little girl literally flew through the air as her older sister lifted her off her feet, hugging the dark-hair princess as if she was a delicate ceramic doll that had been lost and returned. Only after a happy, tearful plea did the elder girl brought her back down to the floor.

"You're alright! Bu- But what about the injury?!"

The dark-hair girl shook her head through a tearful smile, managing to catch her voice before making her reply.

"Daijoubu, Nee-chan. It was only an illusion. The Mistress said it would be the best way to find out if you're the real you or not."

That dame is actually pretty crafty... Asuka could literally feel her gut twist with anxiety. I'd hate to get on her bad side any day...

"-Oh, hey. And where is she now?"

An elderly woman in full housemaid uniform entered the room, ushering the other younger maids out to let the two sisters be alone together.

"The Mistress has returned to the Capital, Asuka. She has promised that once you return to the House, her presence here was no longer required. I'm sure she is already halfway to the Royal Palace to report your return."

...Damn crafty...

Heaving a sigh, the maiden resigned her surprise visit to the Capital as no longer doable. There was nothing left to do now asides from recovering from her fight. Then, it's off to see the Lady Akashima.

Asuka ruffled her young sister's hair playfully, her pale fingers mingling with that of the girl's inky black locks. Every time she looked at Mariko's hair, it always reminded her of how different she looked from the other people in the kingdom. How she was always the odd mark in her family's good name, or perhaps not even a true heir to her father's blood at all.

"Nee-chan, are you hurt? I promise I won't bother you until you're feeling better..."

Realizing that her brooding on past wounds had made her sister worried, Asuka smiled and hugged the young girl affectionately.

"No, it's alright. I'll be fine by tomorrow, especially with Ester's excellent healing. After that, I'll be going to the Capital to report in for work. Do you want to come along?"

Mariko nodded happily, then stopped as she thought about what going to Capital City meant.

"...Are you going to stay in the Capital, Nee-chan?"

Asuka shook her head, glancing out the window at the blooming cherry blossoms as they danced in the wind.

"I'll be right here, Mariko. As the new Duke of Akashima."

***

"...Well, a happy ending it seems."

Ruka nods approvingly from the boughs of a large apple tree, observing the reunited sisters make up for lost time. His flame-hair friend stood leaning on a nearby branch, munching nonchalantly on a bright red fruit she had plucked from an overhanging branch. Taking one glance at the pair, she could not help but let out a tiny sigh of relief.

"Jeez, that girl's a lot more fragile than I thought. For a moment, I thought that exploding punch of hers was gonna send the lass flying backwards as well."

The Guardian of Forest smiled, waving his hand idly in the air. A ripe apple appeared in place of the one that Myra had taken, appearing from a flower next to the empty stub.

"But, all the same, are you sure this is alright?" She swallowed her meal, dropping the juicy core down into the grass. "She really has a lot to learn in managing an entire duchy. I know, I know. She's your daughter and I'm sure you've taught her something. But don't you think it's a little too early to be playing hide and seek with the enemy, sir? After all, you only asked us to keep her safe until she could reclaim the House."

A figure cloaked in darkness stood quietly behind the two Guardians of Akashima, his deep onyx eyes watching the two heirs of the Yamihara name chat lively with one another. Myra thought she saw a drop of tear appear within the shroud of shadows, but resigned it to a trick of her eyes.

"...She's my daughter, flesh and blood of the Yamihara name." The voice replied quietly, hiding a powerful wish of hope. "She will do fine until the day I return."

~To be Continued

***


(( Well, that certainly took a while!

Requesting the reclamation of the House of Yamihara and the position of Duke of West Akashima which originally belonged to her father, the late Duke Hiroi Yamihara.

The House has control over areas in West Akashima with the Duke acting as the Caretaker, the Judge and the Overseer of the welfare in the region. Other powers are related to the ruling class, although I promise that I won't overplay its prominence too much.

Also, Asuka regained control of her Estate. Here is the list of all things included:

- 22 Servants (Maids, Butlers, Cooks and five Groundskeeper)
- A small group of soldiers under her control (Samurai loyal to the House; 12 in total)
- Her wardrobe (which she rarely uses anyways)
- A horse-drawn carriage (taking after Radasanthia and Underwood)
- A small armory (Mainly for her small group of soldiers; Lamellar armor, Daisho, Naginata, Yari and Yumi.)

Asuka also gains a new ability, courtesy of her Guardian Myra.

Flameburst - A skill only done after a successful series of Triple Jab (when not wearing her katars), which causes a fiery explosion that causes minor burn but moderate concussive impact. Can only be done exactly after a successful Triple Jab, therefore very limited in opportunity.

Thank you for taking your time. I know this is asking a lot, but it's strictly for storyline purposes. ))

***

Omake! Comedy Short Story

Asuka rubbed her little sister's head playfully as they continued their conversation in the resting chambers. Ester, the Head of Housemaids, remained at the bedside changing the Yamihara heir's bandages.

"You nearly gave me a heart attack, Mariko! I actually thought you were hit by that crossbow bolt!"

Mariko smiled playfully, holding up the item in question.

"It's alright, Nee-chan. See?"

The young girl stabbed the arrow through her chest, blood gushing out from the new wound as if a waterskin had been pierced.

"Ma- Mariko! Maree..."

"Nee-chan! Are you alright?!"

Asuka fainted in bed, too shocked by the apparently unharmed Mariko who yanked the barbed bolt out from her chest. The hole through her chest revealed a tan-colored waterskin.

"Young master Mariko, I don't believe Young master Asuka knows about your little illusion trick yet..."

Ester let out a heavy sigh, taking out a bottle of ammonia and some cotton balls. Luckily, the maiden merely fainted and did not really have a heart attack.

[Ataraxis]

Quest Judging
Enemies at the Gates

Why ‘ello there! It’s been a while since, but I’ll deliver untold pains upon you, and you will like it. You will like it so much you’ll forget the meaning of liking. And then you will stop liking it. Which is what I want.

Short commentary as was required!

STORY

Continuity ~ 7.25/10. You dealt fairly well with Asuka’s situation, explaining her background, her exile and the reason why she had to return now. I didn’t exactly get why she was exiled in the first place, but I might have missed that. I’ve been wondering one thing, though: even if the look-alikes are, well, look-alikes, someone who’s known Asuka before shouldn’t have too much trouble making her out in a crowd (except maybe if she stood next to the ninja doppelganger). I was just curious why Urabe wasn’t able to do so. Didn’t know her that well, then? As for the ending, well it all happened as I expected it would (with a dues ex machina to boot), though the big reveal about the guardians in cahoots with the Duke was new. Last note: fighting games? How would Myra know about fighting games? Althanas doesn’t even have the Atari!

Setting ~ 6.25/10. Good descriptions where it mattered, and skilfully written. As a whole, they might have flown a bit under the radar, because they didn’t give me memorable, lasting images of a place. About the Klick-klacks, though… that was a whole darn lot of them! It didn’t annoy me though, but you might want to settle for ‘whirs and clicks’ once in a while.

Pacing ~ 7/10. I had very little difficulty getting through this quest (despite how long it took to get the judgment out, sorry). It was fast-paced writing that didn’t skimp on necessary detail and aesthetics, though it was a bit bare at times. Tension worked both ways for you: you knew how to build it, but as a reader I could guess what would happen a bit too easily, which gave your writing less impact. I’m not telling you to base your writing on unpredictable twists, but the reader likes having his world go topsy-turvy once in a while (as long as it makes sense). The battle’s rhythm was often broken by the Guardians’ intervention, though the one with Myra’s little boost was acceptable.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 6.5/10. Asuka fits the bill when it comes to being a heroine, and she’s got rough edge to her words that makes her stand out a bit more. I foresee that she’ll shine even more if you manage to put her in just the right situations to bring out little gems of dialogue with her. Currently, the situations were a bit too basic and didn’t favour a lot of highly-meaningful interaction. On another note, Tokita had good screen time at the beginning but he became somewhat flatter through the middle and end. Myra and Ruka were interesting little oddballs, though, and the Mistress was well-played; with her every word stinted to the bare minimum, she still managed to be authoritative, and was, all in all, a very cunning character. The red-haired ninja… god, you gave her an evil monologue. That’s not right. She even got owned right after it. Evil monologues = instant failure in any current endeavour.

Action ~ 6/10. The first test had much more relevance than the second one, and here’s why I think so: it was the place where Asuka showed how much human she was. Characters usually say exactly the right thing in this kind of situation, when they know they’re where they rightfully belong. Asuka showed doubts that are very natural, and even went ahead to tell the council that she was lying, that she only projected what she wished into scenes from her childhood. The second test I foresaw from a mile away, and it actually made me question how much Mariko meant to Asuka. I wouldn’t have expected her to pick up the crossbow or even engage the bolt, but she actually aimed. I know she was wondering if Mariko had been their father’s murderer, but doing all that over a fleeting doubt compared to what they went through as children seems exaggerated. As for the battle, it was well-described, though the ninja gloating over Asuka instead of killing her made me cringe a bit.

Persona ~ 6.5/10. Everyone stood out fairly well here, and no one seemed to follow a template to the letter. No doubt that Asuka showed the most, though Myra, Ruka and the Mistress were also fairly interesting in their individual ways. Everything else was said in Dialogue and Action!

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 6/10. As I’ve said before, your style is fast-paced and very precise when it comes to having things happen. On top of that, you manage to do manage to have the reader follow the reading rather fluidly, instead of just catching their attention for a paragraph then letting go afterwards, which makes for a jerky read. What I suggest here is to write a bit more in paragraphs that only seem to take one or two lines – not for the sake of making things longer, but to give more meaningful introspection, observation and descriptions, as well as a few rhetorical devices as well. A lot of similes but barely any metaphors. The syntax could also get fairly repetitive after a while, so don’t be afraid to play with it a bit more. You also use the same descriptions a lot, i.e. ‘flame-hair’ (which should be flame-haired).

Mechanics ~ 5.25/10. I was a bit surprised at the number of mistakes that would have been easy to correct. Tenses, plurals, apostrophes and participles. You’ll find everything in the annexed notes.

Clarity ~ 7.25/10. At first I was trying to make sense of Asuka’s situation, but I later realized it was due to a simple misread, so it was all pretty clear! The mistakes, however, often got in the way of understanding things quickly.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 6/10. Well I have the distinct feeling that the story was not new, but then again no story is. I just didn’t feel like the ‘prodigal return’, the ‘test to find the true heir’, or the ‘foiled yet stubborn imposter bringing in the big guns’ to have been written in a way that would have wowed me. This is definitely not a hack, though. If you’re going to do more political intrigue, I just want to suggest the consideration of a slightly more intricate plot (one that’s not a cluster of confusion, granted). Otherwise, I enjoyed this thread as I didn’t lose any hair over it and it left me saying ‘go Asuka’ in the end. Also, interesting integration of omakes in written form, so minuscule bonus there!

TOTAL ~ 64/100.

EXP Rewards

Yamihara Asuka gains: 1820 XP!

GP Rewards

Yamihara Asuka gains: 160 GP!

Other Rewards

Yamihara asuka gains: the House of Yamihara, the title of Duke/Duchess of West Akashima, 22 servants, 12 soldier/samurai, her wardrobe, a horse-drawn carriage and an armory!

Yamihara also gains: Flameburst!


All of the approved spoils can be revoked by the RoG moderator if any abuse is found or any flagrant or unforeseen imbalance is caused by the acquisition of the above. Basically, play well, though you already know that!

FINAL NOTES

And there you go! Now go on and be more active so that I can read (not necessarily judge, if you’re afraid of the downtime ) more!

Whether or not the other Dukes would allow her to lead her House. (1) Regardless of whether the Dukes would allow her to lead her House. Whether or not, though correct, is a construction to avoid in certain cases. It works better in ‘Whether you Like it or Not’

nursed her head, her head tipping to (1) r.w., head

Tokito spoke in a hushed tone, a hint of apprehension lingered (1) ‘hused tone: … lingered’ or ‘hushed tone, … lingering’.

"Bandits." Tokita hissed , a flash (1) Tokito, I ‘m guessing

inky orbs. (1) Don’t be afraid of using ‘eyes’. Orbs is very ‘purple-prose’.

wherever crime arise with (1) arose

"Tokita- Watch out!" (1) I’m guessing you settled on Tokita, then. Only consider the Tokito mistake, then!

as she saw one of the brigands raised a giant club (1) saw one of the brigands raise

hardly a fight he could win against (2) you win a fight, you don’t win against it. What you do win against are odds as in ‘I won against all odds’.

Her crimson outfit, with feathery laces and tassels hanging from her hip, lend the dancer-like maiden an air of wonder (2) lent the dance-like maiden an air of wonder

showing off her stunning set of pearly whites and a razor-sharp canines (2) You could be referring to her teeth as ‘pearly whites’, which is good. It’s also possible you were going for ‘pearly white and a razor-sharp canines’ instead. In any case, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and not count this in mechanics, though I thought I’d point it out either way.

snapped the Akashima out of her trance (2) Akashiman

plastered across the two Akashiman's faces (2) Akashimans’ faces (or did you make it Akashimen?)

Asukapursed (2) Asuka pursed

flame-hair (2) flame-haired

I kinda miss this human body and now I know why (2) missed
What does Urabe-san meant by (2) “What did Urabe san mean by’ or ‘What had Urabe san meant’

to behind assassinated the first step she would make towards the stairs (4) Not sure. Being assassinated, maybe?

She must pass those tests. If it was the last thing she could do. (4) I’m nitpicking, but I suggest ‘She had to pass those tests. Even if it was the last thing she would do.’

The sounds drone on (5) droned on

red-hair (5) red-haired

that only a child of the two to understand (7) would understand

harsh they may be at times (7) harsh as they may be

slick-hair (8) slick-haired

splitting image of herself standing (9) It’s been debated, but usually the expression ‘spitting image’ predates ‘splitting image’. Still, splitting image is correct as it works to describe the same thing (derived from the two matching parts of a wood plank split in two). Just wanted to point out the existence of both expressions, in case it could help you.

Tiniesy (10) teensy?

"<-Yamete!>" (10) I thought the < > meant that the dialogue was being translated from Akashiman. Now it’s translated… into Akashiman.

burying itself between the shackled white doll between her breasts (11) into the shackled white doll, between her breasts

But how could her eyes lied to her when the girl (11) could her eyes lie

Was that of the very person she had returned to see. (11) it’s awkward because the sentence would make ‘But how could her eyes lied to her when the girl (…)Was that of the very person she had returned to see’. Perhaps ‘was the very person’ would work better.

flame-hair girl, flame-hair maiden x2 (11) haired again. Don’t worry, I’m only counting those once.

Dungeouns (11) dungeons

forcing adrenaline flowing through (12) to flow

Her reflexes became sharper than it was (12) ‘became sharper than they were’, or, ‘were sharper than before’

As if I'll tell you without a fight (12) as if I’d

The two remained forzen in a deathlock (12) frozen in a deadlock

comment on each actors without (12) each actor

held menacingly no differently from that of a striking mantis (12) maybe ‘held as menacingly as a striking mantis’?

we'll going to replace each (12) we’re going

the assassin's leader (12) assassin leader or assassins’ leader

sun shown brightly (13) shone

did the elder girl brought her back down to the floor. (13) did the elder girl bring her back down

As the new Duke of Akashima. (13) Well, Duchess. Unless you find that pejorative for some reason or another.

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!