The Sands of Dreams - Drake vs Jessie

[The Forgotten]

A dull throbbing rumble rolled across the roiling world made for two, echoing through the great dunes to the edge of this pocket of the universe. The black mist that erupted from her foe's side gushed like blood as he fell backward down to the ground. He had not conceded the battle; Drake had given it his all from the very start all the way to his last conscious thought.

Darkness crept further and further into Jessica's vision; half falling, she sat down on the hard sand and laid her head on the ground. Silver clouds against a blue backdrop flitted across all the colors of the spectrum as her brain suffocated and strained to deal with the problem of a loss of life energy as well as the loss of her magical energy.

In a way, the strange man had killed himself. The Aether had refused to take on any solid shape until he started drawing it into his body. It was part chance and part luck that caused the Aether to align as it flowed from her hand to his. One last command finally snapped the amorphous threads into solid blade-like forms that just managed to pierce his side before dissipating. Her ears were ringing, but even that sensation faded as the last of her lifeblood pooled onto the sand.

Warmth... soft... comfort. Jessie opened his eyes slowly to the familiar sight of the Pagoda infirmary. One brown-clad figure nonchalantly walked between all-but-empty cots; so this was the section of the warrior's shrine dedicated to ensuring that their fighters could recover completely and without incident. Warm blankets fell away from a less than muscular torso as Jessie sat up, and then promptly laid back down. Looking to where his opponent's scimitar had gouged him open he saw absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, but moving and bending felt like something was tearing him apart from the inside.

“Oh, good. You're awake Jessie.”

“I'm not sure I want to be. I thought you monks were supposed to be the best at healing.”

“Ah, that. It seems that your Jessica form is developing some sort of resistance to our healing... or magic in general. We aren't really sure. We had to force a reversion back to your male body to close the wound; the others were just about to return to finish the mending.”

“Oh. That's news to me. Mind if I go back to sleep?”

“Not at all, Jessie. One last thing... It seems that your hazel eye is taking on a red tint. We don't know what is causing it, but some of the others think that Jessica is starting to take over your mind.”

The shuffling of cloth against stone and the slapping of sandals marked the entrance of at least three other Ai'Bron before they were even visible in the doorway.

“Good night, then. Hopefully I'll fall... asleep... be... fore...”

The soft hand of the caretaker on the Warrior's forehead was warm and brought him into a deep, restful sleep almost immediately. Once he was out, the four monks looked to each other and exchanged hushed words. He didn't need to know everything that was going on with his body. He would be happier in ignorance. The fact that he hadn't noticed that his hair was longer than usual was proof enough of that.

“Drake left you a message,” someone said, “Something about not making jokes about hitting a girl again.” It didn't matter who said it. He hadn't heard it, but the message had been delivered. The monks weren't liars, after all.

[Breaker]

The Sands of Dreams
Battle Judgement

The Forgotten's scores are in red, Alabane's are in blue.

STORY

Continuity ~ 6 ~ 3
Between the two of you, The Forgotten was the only one who really had a storyline. It was a little vague at first, but it developped throughout and ended not half bad. However, you'd have gotten more points here and in other categories if it had been a little more intricate. Alabane, you barely did anything to justify Drake's placement in the thread, and your score here reflects that. In the future, tell me why Drake is where he is, doing what he's doing.

Setting ~ 5.5 ~ 5
Both of you did a decent job of describing the setting throughout, without ever really impressing me. Alabane, I found it rather unrealistic that your character could stop and change directions so quickly in dry sand.

Pacing ~ 3 ~ 4.5
You both need to do a lot more here. You need to make the thread interesting enough that the reader can't wait to read the next post. While I got a little foreshadowing from the Forgotten, your posts were also on the long side and I lost interest in most of them halfway through. Drake did a decent job of getting the action rolling and keeping it constant, but again there was nothing to make me want that next post.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 3.5 ~ 3
I've said this before to other people, and it rings true in this thread: the best posts, dialogue-wise, were the ones with little or no dialogue. Conversation in battles is tricky to handle, and I felt like both of you fell into the generic, stereotypical opening speeches and combat taunts. A good rule is: if you haven't got something important or relevant to say, don't say anything at all. Keep in mind that your characters would be panting from exhertion and adrenaline, therefore unlikely to make these little not-quite-witty comments.

Action ~ 4.5 ~ 5
Both of you could use some work on describing action clearly, and using short concise sentences in action sequences rather than longer ones. You both did a decent job of taking the hits you took though, I particularly liked the way Drake had trouble getting the sand out of his eyes. The Forgotten, you lose a half point here mostly because of the way your long posts sometimes distracted from the action.

Persona ~ 5 ~ 3
Jess(ica)e was a little more three dimensional and relatable, but you both need to do some serious work on character. Try incorporating your character's thoughts into anything and everything. Observations of the setting and opponent should be skewed/original due to their unique perspective, and their actions and dialogue should reflect strong character choices, not the most convenient convention.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 5 ~ 3
Neither of you did much in the technique department, though the Forgotten at least made the effort to use some literary devices, even if they were awkward at times (the owl comparison gave me pause for a moment, and I had trouble picturing it). Remember, using metaphor, simile, personnification etc will embellish your writing, make it more interesting and more compelling. Also, well placed literary devices will really spice up your setting descriptions.

Mechanics ~ 8 ~ 7.5
You both did well here.

Clarity ~ 6.5 ~ 7
For the most part readable and concise enough, but the Forgotten loses a half point due to the long-winded posts. Keep up the good work, you two.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 6 ~ 6 Don't be afraid to go above and beyond.

TOTAL ~ 53/100 ~ 47/100 The Forgotten is the winner!

EXP and GP Rewards

The Forgotten gains 1000 EXP and 400 GP
Alabane gains 300 EXP and 50 GP

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!