Going Down

[Zetsubou]

"I'm scared..." A quite mumble came from behind Teefa, as Zetsubou peeked out. She had never seen death before. She never really understood it. And to see all these, brutally murdered by something, scared her young mind. Nym of course, wasn't that scared as he scurried in front of them, before squeaking back. "They're... quite recent..."
Zetsubou suddenly felt like brick hit her stomach as she heard those words, her hand shooting up to her mouth as her head felt light.

'Recent...? Nym... Must be wrong... Right?'

Feeling nausiated, she looked around nervously, looking for anything moving, absolutely anything. There was nothing. This town.. city even... was totally abandoned. She wanted the fresh air again. She wanted the lush green trees of her forest. She wanted jostling happy people in town buying and higgling prices.
But this place didn't have any of that. No wind, no plant life, no people, no welcome.

Just dead.

[ANGELxZER0]

The whole surrounding area seemed to get darker, This seemed normal, after all the rock had changed from black into sky blue, it wouldent be strange to do the reverse but this was the kind of darkness that made you check under your bed, in the closet and sleep with the light on. decending slowly on the group Xzias body began to come under his control again, but only slightly, he began to mave his head and look around more as the purple blackishnuss fell on them.

"What is this?" Xzia asked retoricly as he looked into the scene paralell to the one before it, everything was the same but....more sinister, some things in the distance were no longer visible and you had the feeling that you were in a city full with people but only the loudest silence imaginable clould be heard.

"This isn't...." Xzia started but before he could even breath to get the next word out there were Black creatures surrounding them. Pure black as if looking into an endless void, they had a human shape but if they were, they defenetly wearnt anymore. They had claws and long ears, the only feature that stood out was the glowing purple eyes. They seemed to flicker in and out of existance. each sight of them was different as if caught in a black strobe light.

Each stareing at the group there mouths opening to show bright white inch long teeth covered in a purple goo that seemed to burn away at anything.

"Damn it." Xzia simply said raising his arms and throwing them back down, his blades appearing in each hand in a flurry of white sparks. his brow tensed and he stared seriously at the one infront of him as he edged closer to Teefa. There were only 3 but they appeard so suddenly. Xzia, Teefa and Zetsubou stood in a small cluster, Grok still to catch up.

Dashing towards Xzia one of the creatures seemed to jump between the left and right, even Xzia's keen perception couldent keep his eyes on him. crouching infront of him and lifting his arms in a huge sweep, dragging its claws up his chest up his neck and pulling off of his face. No blood was spilled but 6 black lines clearly showed where he was struck, they seemed to burn like fire and they felt like it too. Though he had a burning sensation the marks didnt hurt like you would expect from claws being dragged up your body.

Xzia lowered his head and looked at the ground, though his clothes were governed by a magic gem, it wasnt strong enough to repair shits damage, with ease he ripped off the rags with his hand still between the handle and the guard. Xzia couldent help but feel agressive in this place, especily now the shadows dawned on them. Not careing for anyone else due to the subliminal force Xzia charged towards his foe trying his hardest to keep his eyes on him.

'chi-CHING!'

Xzia had thrust down with one blade that was stoped but two eager clawed hands, thought he blinked in and out of existance he was still clearly there. Sweeping his other arm around Xzias blade went through with almost no resistance like nothing was there....Xzia thought this was impossible, He made connections very quickly but he just couldent figure this one out.

He let out a low growl as the creature infront of him burnd away makeing him feel empty and cold, the scars on his body seemed to be expanding but only through his veins, slowly corrupting his whole body.

(feel free to use these creatures as you wish, just a note, don't let them hit you)

[Scout]

He had been looking at the bodies for long enough, examining them, searching for a cause of death. Nothing... no visible wounds, just the odd black markings here and there. He thought nothing of it and began to catch up to the others who had tried to get away from the death. He picked up the pace and then stopped dead, Xzia and the others were in trouble he could see dark human forms attacking Xzia and several others surrounding Teefa and Zetsubou. Acting quickly he summoned Kiro and ordered him to attack as the both ran towards the others.

Kiro lunged with an open jaw at one of the creatures who now no longer looked human shaped as they had huge claw-like hands and were completely black. The creature turned and slashed right through Kiro. Dispursing into the air and reforming as 3 bluey purple streaks Kiro returned to Groks body. He knew close range combat wasnt going to work so decided on a ranged attack. He shot 3 arrows in succession at the creatures surrounding Teefa and Zetsubou. Direct Hit! the 3 creatures dispursed into the air in a purply black haze. But it wasnt over, more creatures then appeared infront of the two girls,focused on Grok. They were more interested in a fight than an easy kill. Grok now has his work cut out for himself. He peered past the 5 and saw Xzia fighting more of the creatures.

"Hey Xzia!" He shouted, Xzia responded but didnt look back, he was still fighting "Lets make a bet for fun, the one to kill the most of these things wins" At that moment one of the creatures lunged at Grok, he dived to the side and dodged the attack, he pulled out another arrow and readied it. "We'll decide on a prize later yeah?"

[ANGELxZER0]

Xzia had no intrest in talking and he was already up in the kills anyway, he sent a wave of electricity ripping through 4 creatures with one strike. This was far too easy, they died with a single tap and they didn't hurt when they struck you. What were they?

Xzia seemingly danced amoungst a small group, his moves were like well planned out coriography that he had practiced for years, his blades ripped though the strange foes, the black fire stramed off his blades as stained with blood. Another 5, simple work but this was nothing as to what was comeing.

Bringing a heavy strike down the blade was stopped....Looking down Xzia peered at a new foe across from him, a black skinned humanoid stood stareing black with glowing purple eyes, it was in armour and had purple marking similar to Xzias own but, sharper. It had claws formed by black fire with the ocasional flare of purple, they were longer and definetly more solid than the last opponents. The flames ripped through Xzias chest at 3 points forming a triangle in his chest with Groks scar in the center. Unlike before this did hurt but like before it didnt cause a wound.

More black markings caused the darkness in his veins to spread faster, Jumping back Xzia fell to his knees and droped both blades. another 2 of the new creatures walked towards the group.

A flashing claw came down towards Zetsubou and stopped right infront of her eyes, it turned around and jumped towards a courpse on the floor vanishing in black flames as the body slowly shifted on the floor sitting up slowly. Dolls, zombies, whatever you want to call them, its just wrong. More of these things came behind Grok moveing slowly.

Xzia knelt down holding his chest in unbeliveable pain. being stabbed in the heart the lungs and the heart and living was something no one should have to go through. To his surprise the pain quickly faded, a light came from his chest with his left hand resting on it. The gem spaked to life and engulfed his forearm and hand in a blue energy. had he possible gone mad? His hand moved on its own, spreading and extending all of its didgets, A large gem apeared floating above it as xzia stared in awe not noticing the slowly advanceing foes.

All his energy was being drained into the gem this only caused the darkness in him to spread faster with no magical resistance. A light surrounded him and try as he might he coulden't move.

[Tainted Bushido]

Overall: This had a good start, despite the slow continuance. The one thing I think hurts threads is the need for an epic story. While yes, there is a need to have an overarching story, even the more dull threads can be livened up to be fitting quests. However, that’s not a knock on you guys, just a helpful hint that dramatics are not the only way to tell a story. I had a feeling this was to be a breakthrough for Angel Zero’s character Xzia. While the effort was there, I feel in the end it fell apart due to lack of cohesion. More on that later…

…onto the judging!

STORY

Continuity ~ 4/10. I had a feeling that this was more than a typical thread, that there had been something culminating to this point. Xzia was trying to get home, and he had even braved many trials, and was tricked by the spirit that resided in him. Squ was the person lucky enough to make the journey at his side. The other two, seemed to be inserting themselves into the story, and it was definitely through differing means.

Setting ~ 3/10. This hurt you guys, I got little to know feel for the area. The forest was used, and only really as camouflage. I can understand how hard when you want action to keep a thread moving to actually keep up with it. I totally get it. I’m merely asking to be aware of surroundings. Looking for subtle ways of incorporating setting? Characters may lean against certain pieces or hell even look up through the forest canopy.

Pacing ~ 2/10. I will agree, that pacing was certainly lacking. It was quite obvious this was a point of frustration for Angel Zero who commented on five pages without any plot advancement. There are two ways of fixing this guys, the first is constant PM conversations with the thread leader. Whose story is being written, and what is expected of the characters? These important questions need to be answered by the quest Lead before he begins his next post. If a round goes to waste, it’s everyone’s fault. If five rounds go to waste, then and only then is it the quest lead’s fault. I’m not trying to be harsh, but perhaps taking a more forceful hand in the direction things had gone would have helped. Give prompts for their posts, things to react to and what not.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 3/10. The dialogue was a bit flat at times. I know writing dialogue can be the bane of writing careers but the Dialogue is a tool. Its external monologue that can hint to other characters what’s going on internally. This was used to a certain extent, however, the problem then became, that rather than being a mirror of the internal arguments or frustration, it became a window. Its one thing to say it, it is however, quite another thing to think it. If you’re angry you may reveal that to people you know, but would you intimate as much to a stranger on the street?

Action ~ 2/10. There was plenty of actions going on, and a few that are very very close to power gaming. One example was the wolf spirit Kiro. I had this problem once, where I thought I could be clever in a writing tournament by having another character make the observations I knew my character could not. The idea was by having a tactical genius near me I could be as tactically efficient as possible, and not get docked on strategy. Well, let me tell you, it didn’t work, because my opponent had adopted unorthodox tactics. I however didn’t catch on and I played as intended, and got docked heavily for metagaming. It can be tempting to make use of knowledge you as the player knows in character. This is only natural, I mean you know it, why can’t your character? That’s the trap of Metagaming, and one that you need to figure out the answer to yourself on where to draw the line. Also, the bunnying (forcing other characters actions) was not announced as fair game. For future reference, you need someone else’s permission to affect their character directly. If I don’t see an okay for either player, I’ll assume it was unsolicited.

Persona ~ 3/10. Characters were present. Characters did actions; I had nothing to base it off of. I couldn’t tell if the irritation at Scout from Angel was in character or more out of character shock and rage. Because of this, I could not figure out if this was at all in character. Perhaps going into character thoughts and emotions more could clarify things much more. I’m not saying you need to write like I do (I’m kinda guilty of too much internalization, not enough externalization), but some internalization beyond immediate problem solving would be nice. Teefa I did however get an innocent vibe from you, and Zetsubo gave me a definite greedy streak, with the incredulous sidekick squirrel, who never ceased to make me chuckle.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 3/10. There was a few writing techniques attempted, but for the most part it was strait forward prose. Adding in the occasional simile of metaphor, perhaps using a more flowing prose could help. A few tips on this would be to avoid using the same word in the same paragraph more than twice. The only reason for the second use should be necessity. Good ways of doing this is describing the character, if he has a moniker that too can fit. Examples for say Zetsubo, the girl, the druid, the dryad, the sneak, the fae, ect. Same with Grok.

Mechanics ~ 3/10. One thing I wish to say right out of hand, Scout and Angel Zero, I might suggest you use a spell checker, spellcheck.com is a good place if you are missing a program like Microsoft Word. In terms of spelling you weren’t bad, in fact many words were spelled correctly, which leads me to the other part, grammar. Even Zetsubo was guilty of a few grammatical faux pas. I won’t go into gritty detail, but I will say that the first step to solving the underlying mechanical issues is to take care of the glaring obvious ones straight out. If you wish for a more detailed idea of what you did wrong, or tips on how to improve feel free to PM me, and I’ll go over what you can do to improve for you.

Clarity ~ 6/10. For all that writing, it was clear what was going on. I knew where characters were and what had occurred. You guys certainly were trying, and I got that.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 10/10. I hate that the rubric was harsh to you, don’t give up, hell my first quest scored a 34 and I kept it to cringe at. Nothing helps inspire you to greater heights than a past failure. While this is a past failure, it is only because you could not finish what had started. Take a page from Alfred, Bruce Wayne’s ever witty friend and butler, “Why do we fall Mr. Wayne? So we can pick ourselves back up and keep trying.”

TOTAL ~ 39/100.

ANGELxZERO gets 305 EXP and 200 GP

Squ gets 305 EXP and 200 GP

Scout gets 305 EXP and 200 GP

Zetsubo gets 305 EXP and 200 GP

Any EXP rewards given are based off of the quest equation. Any questions regarding what was said can be addressed to me via PM or AIM SethDahlios.

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!