Legion of Light IV: Annals of War
Good day and salutations and whatnot! I’m going to be reading over this thread for you. As is obvious and blaringly so this is part of a series, and I apologize that I have not read the other installments of the story to this point. I will be making the general comments up here and will be working on the judgment as I read, post per post. You will have to forgive me if it is a long judgment; I tend to write out notes while reading about what section the issues I catch belong too. If you want to go back and read over what I was talking about in the comments I always put a number corresponding with the post in brackets after the comment.
Story [15/30]
~Continuity~ [2/10]
Due to the unique way you told the story, it was very hard to work in continuity. I understand this, but unfortunately the rubric does not. I wish there was some way around it, but at the same time I understand its importance. I believe that the way you told the story, through the journal passages, did not allow for the reader to gain an understanding of the backgrounds of your character or any of the NPC’s that were involved. It was a dizzying number of names, powers assigned to names, and ranking and such that in all honesty I understand you couldn’t write out through this style. If I had written a thread like this in a series I would have done the same, since it is against my character’s style to write in who everyone is and all that when it’s obvious the reader was supposed to already know all that information. Being a new judge to the series, however, made it so that the prior knowledge was completely absent, though I believe that if you had chosen a different style you would have excelled with this section in the end.
~Setting~ [5/10]
The setting you gave me was… astoundingly well thought out and full of literary devices. It’s common for the judge of any thread, no matter the style, to say that you needed to use the setting more, not just describe it. But the impeccable way that you told the story lent to the lack of setting, in my opinion. You could have added a little more here and there, just to explain where you were and what was going on more. However, again, the battle between what is too much and what is too little is completely dependant on how you play your character. Seeing as you probably wouldn’t want to explain all but the most important details, such as the way the rain felt and how you felt about it, I understand why there wasn’t as much included (or included in ever post). However, again, the rubric is not as forgiving…
~Pacing~ [8/10]
Brilliant, absolutely astounding, it felt like one post ended and left me in just enough suspense that I NEEDED to read the beginning of the next post to find out what was going to happen. I was on the edge of my seat, so to say, while reading this and loved the fact that I was. I believe the most notable instance that stood out in my mind regarding the way you transitioned and kept the suspenseful pace was between the end of post number 4 and the beginning of post number 5. The way you used the questioning of the sentries and then all of a sudden it’s your next entry and you explain what happened. Wonderful.
Character [19/30]
~Dialogue~ [4/10]
Again, the fact that it was set the way it was threw off the use of ‘dialogue’ in the written out in quotations sense… I will give you credit for saying what the dialogue they were discussing was, but the way you wrote it actually helped the persona of the characters involved.
~Action~ [8/10]
I was going to start by saying the end of the thread was a wonderful read… but that would be unfair of me. The way you played off the sentries, like I said, in post 5 and explained the sudden attack was very good. The way you had the battles going on for the gap in the wall, even before all of that with the descriptions of minor skirmishes, all very well done. But that brings me back to the end, where I believed you shined. The fights were believable, though your involvement with such high level beasts was a bit off, but the battles were still very well done.
~Persona~ [7/10]
My my my, the persona you put up for the reader was very well done. The only qualms I have is that it could have used more. Though, again that could be the style, but I’m not sure. Through small parts, such as minor explanations of the mage (mysterious and such), to when you were traveling with him and how your character felt about him… that kind of stuff helped, but you could have explained how he was mysterious. Other than that you displayed the characters well.
Writing Style [25/30]
~Technique~ [7/10]
Beautiful use of all forms of technical writing; I’m not one to look for metaphors alone, but similes and the like… and you executed wonderfully.
~Mechanics~ [10/10]
One mistake? Maybe? I’m still not convinced entirely it was even a mistake…
~Clarity~ [8/10]
Never had to re-read anything, though understanding who everyone was or trying to figure out which names belonged to what character that I may or may not have seen before then threw me off.
Wild Card [9/10]
Loved it!
Score [68/100]
Rewards
Exp: 800 * 2 = 1600 + (bonus) 200 = 1800
Gold: 175 * 2 = 350 + (bonus) 200 = 550