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Thread: Team Registration: Strategy and Execution

  1. #1
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    Laureolus's Avatar

    Name
    Laureola Anteita
    Age
    27
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Rust
    Eye Color
    Slate gray
    Build
    5’11”, 168 lbs
    Job
    Tribune

    Team Registration: Strategy and Execution

    Edward Judorne
    and
    Laureola Anteitus

    Laureola stood waiting patiently on the semi-circle amphitheater stage, harshly lit and casting jagged shadows across floor due the burning lime lights spread around the theater. She stood in battle array, her Scutum tightly bound to her left arm, her Lorica segmentata and gallic Galea helm flaring in the light as she shifted her wait from leg to leg. 'Well, I did ask him meet after the twelfth hour, and it can’t be much past that, ' thought Laureola as she glanced at the newly risen moon fair off in the distance. 'Might as well sit down and wait no use in having my eye burned out by these lights,' as her steel studded sounded through the amphitheater.

    Laureola’s glace turned to the winding path that led to this little hole in the ground when she heard leather- shod footsteps through her own and say the figure of her prospective almost here. 'Good, let's gauge the mettle of my new friend, ' as she strode at a brisk hard pace towards Edward her stet in a stoic mask to test his reactions.
    The welfare of the people is the ultimate law.
    Salus Populi Suprema Est Lex
    -Cicero

  2. #2
    Member
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    Edward Judorne's Avatar

    Name
    Edward Judorne
    Age
    32
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    Half-elf
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    Male
    Hair Color
    black
    Eye Color
    green
    Build
    5'2"/148 lbs
    Job
    Prince

    Edward stared at the person in front of him and smiled as he entered the Ampitheatre. It was a really good night to fight, for the moon cast a nice glow upon the Ampitheatre. The armor and weapon seemed to be well polished, which was always a good sign. It showed that the person cared about the weapons, and didn't just see them as tools of destruction. His opponent was a Legionnaire at this dark hour, and despite the fact that they were fighting each other at the moment, this same person was to be his partner in the upcoming Tournament of Champions.

    That was why Edward was here, getting ready to face the Legionnaire. He knew better than to even attempt to enter a tournament like this without at least a tiny bit of a clue as to what his partner could do, and he figured the best way to find this out was to have a little duel with her. He decided to let her decide the time and arena, and what he got was a surprise. He had given his opponent a chance to get home field advantage, so to speak, and instead, what he got was a somewhat normal arena. Then again, maybe it just seemed that way.

    “Well, whenever you are ready, I am.” Edward said, pulling out his damascus Rapier, and going into a defensive position. He hardly ever took the first attack, and tonight was no exception. Taking the first attack before you knew what you were up against could easily lead to a loss in his opinion.

    "Let's see what you can do. Oh, and I promise not to go easy on you, if you can promise the same to me"
    Last edited by Edward Judorne; 12-23-08 at 09:16 PM.
    "Too predictable"
    ---
    Now with a Damascus bladed rapier. among other things

    Member of "The League of International Intrigue"

  3. #3
    Member
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    Laureolus's Avatar

    Name
    Laureola Anteita
    Age
    27
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Rust
    Eye Color
    Slate gray
    Build
    5’11”, 168 lbs
    Job
    Tribune

    Stopping ten feet short of Edward Laureola abruptly did an about face, drew her Gladius,held it to her forehead to salute the stage and barked, “Ave, Caesar, morituri te salutant!! (Hail, Caesar, we who are about to die salute you!!)

    Laureola did another about face, then took a moment to study her partner’s stance. ’It’s loose, his hamata looks to be non-restricting and in decent shape. As for that twig he’s welding, I doubt it could hold up to a stiff breeze, much less combat.’ Letting her natural luminescence flare up, the god’s favor would sting the eyes of any person looking at Laureola like a torch held next to their face. Taking a moment to take stance and position her profile behind her shield Laureola smiled and replied, “One would hope we stop before someone is hurt, but you’ll have your show.” Before “show” was out of her mouth, Laureola broke into a controlled charge, covering ground much more quickly than one as heavily armed as she should, looking to ram Edward’s chest with the boss of her shield and ready to quick thrust with her Gladius if the opportunity presented itself.

    Out of Character:
    “Ave, Caesar, morituri te salutant" is a bit ahistorical, but to the hell with it.
    Last edited by Laureolus; 12-23-08 at 10:06 PM.
    The welfare of the people is the ultimate law.
    Salus Populi Suprema Est Lex
    -Cicero

  4. #4
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    Edward Judorne's Avatar

    Name
    Edward Judorne
    Age
    32
    Race
    Half-elf
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    black
    Eye Color
    green
    Build
    5'2"/148 lbs
    Job
    Prince

    Edward watched carefully, or at least tried to as his opponent charged. What he saw was quite the impossibility. The armor shone with such brilliance that he felt blinded even glancing at it, but he recovered quite quickly. By then, she was almost on him. This was another trait he wasn't expecting, but there was one thing he was aware of, and it was likely not to change. Her armor was made of metal. Metal conducted electricity.

    "I can take care of myself, Miss. Don't even begin to think otherwise” Edward said as he held out his hand and fired off an electrical missile at the Legionnaire’s helmet, and another at her Armor. This was just the beginning of what he planned on attacking her with, but so far, this opponent had surprised him in all aspects, and he needed to be sure that electricity actually would work before pulling off a big move.

    Seeing how heavily armored she was, Edward had misjudged her as being at least somewhat slow, and for him to misjudge somebody that badly was a rarity. When he did make incorrect assumptions about his enemy, Edward regretted it immediately. The shield hit Edward square on, and though he could have stayed on his feet, Edward chose not to, and instead let the shield toss him to the ground so that the thrust Gladius would not hit him.

    "Nice shot, not many can hit me on thier first attempt, nowadays." Edward said as he got on his feet again.
    "Too predictable"
    ---
    Now with a Damascus bladed rapier. among other things

    Member of "The League of International Intrigue"

  5. #5
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    Laureolus's Avatar

    Name
    Laureola Anteita
    Age
    27
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Rust
    Eye Color
    Slate gray
    Build
    5’11”, 168 lbs
    Job
    Tribune

    While the missile aimed at Laureola’s armor was thankfully absorbed by her shield with little damage other then angry webbed scorch marks that ran through one of the painted perched eagles, the one aimed at her face hit home. Helm now scorched black from the lightning, Laureola’s face remained unblemished as she took an unsteady step back from Edward.

    “That,” Laureola started “did not go as planned.” Laureola straightened as she internalized the pain and tensed to hide the slight shaking from the reeling shock. Laureola needed a second to recover; fortunately Edward wasn’t the only quick-witted person in this fight. Circling to her left, Laureola willed a simple translucent wall ankle high six feet to Edward’s left. To give it a few seconds to materialize she advanced slowly this time, working to the left to get Edward’s back to the translucent. Her luminescence returned, brightning as she shook off the lighting’s aftereffects.

    Calling out over her shield as she advanced “Point taken friend, not many have staggered me on their first blow.”
    The welfare of the people is the ultimate law.
    Salus Populi Suprema Est Lex
    -Cicero

  6. #6
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    Judgment Time! So, this is just a skeletal rubric we will be using later on in the tournament, just so that the opening registration threads will be done quickly and proficiently. That being said, this is also a way for you to understand what is expected of the full rubric and get a good feel. If you have any questions on how things work you are free to contact me at any time for assistance. I am also going to be putting in ‘general notes’ at the end of the judgment, with a post signifier [post number] so that you can go back and look over the part that I commented. This is for your convenience only, not something that all mods will do, and is not required, but something that I like to add in for further help. Just for reference, a 2.5 out of 5 is the pure median for a score, so don't worry, it's not like... 'epic fail'-ness. Haha.

    Story (1.9/5)



    ~This section is most notably used for how well you did. In the full rubric it will be split into three different parts: Continuity, Setting, and Pacing. Continuity is the section regarding the background of who your character is and where they came from, without a good bit of reflection on your back story it’s difficult for the reader to understand most other categories that are also being looked over. Setting is the part of the judging that is pretty much self explanatory. A good setting not only shows the reader as well as the participants of the thread were you are and what’s around, but also involves the tactical and practical use of the setting your character is interacting with. Final section of Story is the Pacing. This is the most complex of parts to analyze, normally. However, in a battle the pacing of the story is the intent of the writer to keep the reader on the edge of their seats, build the suspense well, and let it dwindle correctly.~

    ~When you write, remember to give us some background, some continuity to why you are there, who you are, where you came from, and all questions like that. Without that we, as readers, have no chance to understand what the situation going on is for, how you both know each other, or questions of that nature. Why are you two fighting? Where did you come from? Who are you? Things like that need to be answered at least a little during the thread, even if it’s not answered in the first post you can write it out as you go. Neither of you gave me a deep insight into the setting. I know it was a lit arena, and night time, though not sure what time exactly because it was confusingly worded. I noted it in the general notes below. As for the pacing, it seemed off, like some parts were suddenly rushed while others (like the opening) were slow. Try and transition into the fight, or at least explain why it’s so abruptly and suddenly taking place. You can use the way you phrase your writing as a good way of working the reader into the pace as well. Short sentences normally mean that your character is getting stressed or rushed, whereas longer sentences can often give the feel of the ‘calm before the storm’ type thing.

    Character (1.8/5)



    ~This section is looked in regards to another three parts: Dialogue, Action, and Persona. Each of these is rather simple to explain, compared to the story section. Action is a matter of following actions and a direction that makes sense for your character. If your character is a powerhouse then his actions sulking and hiding wouldn’t make much sense, same goes for if your character is a spy or assassin, up front confrontation wouldn’t make sense either. Dialogue is self explanatory, what you say, but it is not just that simple either. Dialogue pertains to whether your character is speaking in ways that make sense. A quiet character wouldn’t talk a lot, but maybe have inner thoughts instead, a cocksure character might stop in the middle of a fight to talk a lot, or a character whose persona isn’t either probably wouldn’t pull away from conflict to give a long speech. Persona is how well you keep ‘in character’, it is not just a part controlled by what you say your character does, but how he performs actions and why he does so. This section is contributed to by dialogue, action, pacing, continuity, and to a degree setting.~

    ~Edward, your dialogue after taking a hit square to the chest with a shield is normally spit out in a cough, or at least comes out rough. A full grown adult, slamming into you with 10 feet of momentum built up, especially directly in the chest, would be a pain for anyone. Other than that, both of you seemed to throw in dialogue that was forced, out of place. Things like “Oh, and I promise not to go easy on you, if you can promise the same to me" (which is missing a period at the end), is overly used and not really something that ever normally fits the characters speaking it. However, I also didn’t really get enough character and persona to gage whether either of you would say the things you did. Edward explained that he never attacked first, but not why. Persona goes back to continuity, and is related to many different areas in the judgment. Keep in mind that without showing me who your character is, I won’t know. The action between you two was good, though a person charging Edward from only 10 feet, would undoubtedly get there JUST AS he cast his lighting attacks. The time it would take to think to attack, summon the spell (even instantaneously) and cast them would be about maybe a split second before the shield hit you. Also, how did you cast two bolts with one of your hands holding a sword? Explain things like this so we can get a little bit more clarity as to how it works, instead of it just happening.

    Writing Style (1.5/5)



    ~The final section is the compilation of the final three parts: Technique, Mechanics, and Clarity. Technique is the section that we delve into your personal style of writing, in regards to ‘advanced’ styles of writing. The use of alliteration, foreshadowing, and metaphors or similes are going to heighten this score. Of course, stylistic uses of technique that go against proper grammar are also goo ways to use Technique, and will not be counted against you in the next section. Mechanics is the grammatically correct part of the judgment. How many mistakes you made with spelling, punctuation, and other mistakes is how this section is scored. Clarity is by far the most simple to judge. Were all the other sections clear? Was the way you told the story clear? Was your writing clear? That is what the entire section of clarity is about~

    ~There weren’t really any advanced techniques used, try and use some of them to spice up the story. A simile there, a metaphor here, alliteration even helps. Without them it’s a somewhat bland piece of writing that may cause the interest of the reader to quickly pass, which is the opposite of what you are aiming for with your threads. I’m sure careful consideration and reading over the posts after you write them will help you with that as well. There were many mechanical issues, which I have noted in the General Notes below, which could have easily been avoided by running your post through Word or some other type of software like it. Remember, proofreading your threads after you’re done writing them helps a lot, but after you do that, take a step away from your computer, then come back and read it again to make sure that you caught what you may have missed the first time. You don’t have to rush the posts, so take your time and read through them again so that simple mistakes can be avoided! Due to the mistakes, the clarity of the writing was also hurt. And without any background or personalities expressed the story’s clarity was also hard to follow. Try and fix those simple things and I’m confident you’ll do fine with your writing later on.

    Total: (5.4/15)

    General Notes



    ~ “shadows across floor due” [1]~ “Across [the] floor”

    ~ “as she glanced at the newly risen moon fair off in the distance” [1]~ If it’s ‘after the 12th hour’, how is it a newly risen moon? It should be at its apex in the sky, right overhead if it’s midnight. Remember to take the time to read over your posts so that you can avoid little things like this. It should also be “Far” not “Fair”.

    ~ “'Might as well sit down and wait no use in having my eye burned out by these lights,' as her steel studded sounded through the amphitheater.” [1]~ “As her steel studded sounding…” steel studded what sounded? Missing a word. Also, the non-italics that followed the thought are something that doesn’t fit. If you put a period at the end of the thought, and then write a new sentence about sitting and the steel studded (whatever) sounding, it will flow a little better. You also missed a comma after “and wait”.

    ~ “Laureola’s glace turned to the winding path that led to this little hole in the ground when she heard leather- shod footsteps through her own and say the figure of her prospective almost here.” [1]~ Going to reformat this so that it’s correct instead of writing out what’s wrong with it. “Laureola’s [glance] turned to the winding path that led to [the] little hole in the ground when she heard leather-shod footsteps through her own[,] and say the figure of her prospective [was] almost [there].” That’s just a suggestion of what to do to help the sentence be a bit more clear and easy to follow. It’s a bit of a run on, so I suggest going back and reading over it, splitting it up enough so that it keeps the flow you were writing but at the same time is more smoothly read.

    ~ “His opponent was a Legionnaire at this dark hour,” [2]~ you can do without ‘at this dark hour’, it is a little confusing, and using ‘this’ is present tense.

    ~ “That was why Edward was here” [2]~ ‘why Edward was [there]’, present tense used instead of past.

    ~ “were up against could easily lead to a loss in his opinion.” [2]~ “were up against could easily lead to a loss[,] in his opinion.” Missed a comma which makes it a bit unclear.

    ~ “Oh, and I promise not to go easy on you, if you can promise the same to me" [2]~ Missed a period.

    ~ “Stopping ten feet short of Edward Laureola abruptly did an about face, drew her Gladius,held it to her forehead to salute the stage and barked, “Ave, Caesar, morituri te salutant!!” [3]~ This is a run on sentence, as well as missing a comma and without a space. It should read: “Stopping ten feet short of Edward[,] Laureola abruptly did an about face[.] [She] drew her Gladius, held it to her forehead to salute the stage and barked[:] “Ave, Caesar, mrituri te salutant![]” Comma, a period to split it from a run-on, and then when you write out dialogue as the end of a sentence you need to separate it with something other than a comma. Proper punctuation and proofreading will help this out, since it’s not a hard mistake.

    ~ “hamata” [3]~ What is a hamata? I don’t know historically inclined words, and without a description (even a note in OOC at the end) the reader doesn’t know either. Though both myself as a judge and the reader can go look it up, you should be able to blend words like these (words specific to your character) into the thread without making the reader stop to figure out what a hamata is.

    ~ “One would hope we stop before someone is hurt, but you’ll have your show.” Before “show” was out of her mouth, Laureola broke into a controlled charge” [3]~ After the dialogue you need to start a new paragraph since what follows “Before ‘show’” is a new train of thought.

    ~ "Nice shot, not many can hit me on thier first attempt, nowadays." [4] The sentence is not grammatically correct, not technically a sentence but a fragment instead. ‘Their’ is spelt wrong. And you don’t need the comma after ‘attempt’ since it breaks it up even more forcing the reader to pause unnecessarily.

    ~ “While the missile aimed at Laureola’s armor was thankfully absorbed by her shield with little damage other then angry webbed scorch marks that ran through one of the painted perched eagles, the one aimed at her face hit home.” [5] You missed a comma after ‘damage’ and before ‘other’.

    Addendum to the Notes added by Alias after review:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limelight

    I know I'm nitpicking, but they seem overly out of place and out of time without proper story. Limelights were invented after the effect was discovered in the 1820s, and yet Laureola is dressed as a roman (and is all for Caesar) while Edward wields a rapier (which was almost a relic by that time in history (by 1715 it had been replaced by the smallsword)).

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