Page 4 of 4 FirstFirst ... 234
Results 31 to 37 of 37

Thread: Red Hand Pilgrimage: The Second Age of Darkness.

  1. #31
    Member
    EXP: 5,976, Level: 3
    Level completed: 25%, EXP required for next level: 3,024
    Level completed: 25%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,024
    GP
    1,955
    Mutant_Lorenor's Avatar

    Name
    Lorenor
    Age
    Immortal.
    Race
    The Unsent
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Bald
    Eye Color
    Blue (Deeply inset eye-sockets, no eyeballs, only a glowing energy)
    Build
    5.0'/200lbs
    Job
    Paladin of Ixian Knights

    View Profile
    By the pyre! My plan worked! It worked!? Energy crackled through the air in rivulets spawned from the infernal device. Lorenor stared in absolute shock at what he'd just done. Pulsing through the very vessel of the puppet before him, the mutant taught her one valuable lesson; pain. Taking a step back from his position, he oversaw the scene of chaos before him. Still, crackling with power, the ring throbbed in his hand begging to bite further life forces from the puppet.

    Lorenor had to control an intense urge to end this right then and there. She was vulnerable, too vulnerable. He could see the pulsing energies flowing through the creature's vessels. The ground beneath them seemed to swirl in Lorenor's visionary scope. Looking at the moving earth, the mutant tried to steady himself, steady his stomach. He felt the thrill of victory welling up in the very depths of his soul. She is vulnerable. Now is the time to end this fiasco! "Thou shalt kneel before the will of N'Jal! The one true Goddess!" The mutant yelled.

    He found himself suddenly speaking in an older version of the common tongue. Olde common tongue. Was it a coincidence? The mutant had little time to think about the sudden transformation. All he knew was that his goddess was with him. The dark was with him, and now the circle was complete. Lorenor quickly focused on the task at hand. There wasn't goign to be any retaliation from their enemy. There wasn't going to be a second wind, and there wasn't going to be any heroics. This night was for the villains of Althanas.

    And all together, as one voice, the creatures of dark would rejoice at the birth of a team of new champions. Lorenor knew his companion was nearby and had his back through the eternity. He found himself romantically admiring MetalDrago, but kept his lustings to himself. There was a purpose now, and N'Jal had given specific orders. Survive. Or die.

    Feeling the new powers pulsing through him, the mutant lunged forward with great speed and agility. His mouth was open without him even realizing it. A grotesque transformation spawned from the nightmares of babes. Flesh and tendons stretched, twisted, and popped until his lower maxilla was completely wide up. Two great sections of his lower jaw were lined with very sharp teeth. Teeth that were dripping with liquid saliva. The mutant looked at his meal and descended upon her quickly.

    In her moment of weakness, the puppet could only gasp as the terrifying creature was upon her. A yell escaped her lips, and then it turned to a gargling sound as the mutant tore at her larynx. Feeling flesh and blood pouring into the air, Lorenor ate. He consumed the flesh of the puppet girl until he'd eaten his share. Much of her trapezius muscle on the right side of her body was torn open, teeth marks visible everywhere. Deep gashes where Lorenor had chewed through flesh now decorated her petite form.

    Lorenor held his victim as he saw tears streaming down her face. There was a delightful pleasure in this victory. A welling up in his stomach. It felt like his intestines were tied in knots. The mutant took his fill from the ambrosia before him, claws digging into her body. He held her in place. She was in his grasp and unable to escape. His muscles knotted now with the supernatural strength imbued by N'Jal's will. Lorenor bit more from the girl, and savored the artificial meat. There was a metallic taste to her flesh, but it also had a sweet purity to it.

    The puppet was an uncorrupted up until this point. Lorenor felt his D.N.A. transferring through the bite as the techno-virus took on its unique and very specific function. It flowed from the bite to the victim. Lorenor could see the nano-machinery pulsing quickly through her body in a matter of moments, changing her basic architecture. Lorenor released the victim, pushing her to the ground and she fell. Her body twitching in agony as a result of the mutant's attack. Lorenor had strangely colored blood, blue, flowing from his mouth. It tastes so strange... And just like that the battle was all over.

    Carry my will with you always. For I am with you my childe. Do my work across the world. Spread the word of N'Jal. And defeat those that would suppress our way. Follow the teachings within the books, and remember that I will always be with you.

    The mother spoke in his mind once more and he simply nodded. He left the victim behind and traveled across the well-worn path with MetalDrago by his side. Soon, he found himself staring at the gate once more. He turned towards MetalDrago with a mysterious expression on his face. He wiped the blood off his face in a feeble attempt to make himself look more presentable. Though he wasn't ugly any longer, he was still not handsome by any means. "Mother commands us to spread her will across the world, and that is what we must do. We must expand the Cult of N'Jal and build temples and statues glorifying the dark mother in all her wondrous mysteries! This is the decree of our goddess. Art thou ready?"

    And so, Lorenor, man, mutant, legend, grasped his future by the horns and accepted what he now was. He also accepted that he would not have to walk that path alone. His goddess was with him, and he had a lieutenant.

    "Thou art mine general MetalDrago. There is much work to be done."
    Last edited by Mutant_Lorenor; 12-07-08 at 11:33 PM.

  2. #32
    Member
    EXP: 12,400, Level: 4
    Level completed: 68%, EXP required for next level: 1,600
    Level completed: 68%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,600
    GP
    345
    MetalDrago's Avatar

    Name
    MetalDrago Scorpio
    Age
    242
    Race
    Dragonian
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Silver
    Eye Color
    Orchid
    Build
    6'4"/206lbs.
    Job
    None

    Before, when Lorenor attacked the creature, MetalDrago could only watch as Lorenor tore open the All-Elemental with his voracious appetite. Blood stained the ancient stone floor, turning the inviting, warm brown into a deep, violent violet. MetalDrago grinned sadistically as he turned away Lorenor, unable to watch his Commander violently rip apart the All-Elemental. He almost felt sorry for the creature, but he couldn’t bring himself to think of anything but fulfilling his Dark Mistress’s desires. He turned back on Lorenor as he infected the creature. He wondered idly what would become of her, but now that was none of his concern.

    MetalDrago walked out of the room easily, a natural grace to his step that betrayed his supernatural transformation. Despite his monstrous appearances, he was now able to move with more ease and grace than he’d thought possible when still trapped in the confines of his original body. This one just felt so… right, even though it was an unnatural transformation.

    Lorenor turned on him, telling him what N’Jal had spoken. MetalDrago nodded in complete agreement. “Of course I will serve as your General, Commander.” It would be obvious by MetalDrago’s tone of voice that he was less than pleased with the idea of being a General. He would refer to himself as a Captain to anyone who asked him what his rank was in the army of N’Jal. He would gladly fall to the duties of being a General, but despised merely the name. When called by General, he wouldn’t be able to complain, especially if it were Lorenor who called him that, but… It didn’t mean he had to like it.

    Whenever he fought on the field of battle, he would outright refuse to take on anyone who was of a lower caliber than himself. He’d use his Dragon’s Betrayal in order to slice through the ranks of the good, until he found a worthy opponent, and then he could be truly happy, fighting against someone who would actually be worth his time. There were few things in the world that would make MetalDrago happy, and fighting was one of those few things. He knew that serving his Dark Mother’s purpose would make him happy, in its own ways, but he’d yet to find anything that would make him feel as alive as when he was fighting for his life, slowly destroying his opponent, tiring them, making them doubt themselves.

    As the Gate stood before them once more, MetalDrago couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen in the future concerning the two of them. He had a feeling that N’Jal had big plans for them, apart from the plans that they themselves were going to be making. MetalDrago had big plans for the power gifted them by the Dark Goddess. For one, he was going to become one of the greatest warriors in the world, and he was going to completely outclass his once rival, Xanith Trailweaver. He may never see him again, but he had every intention of being better than Trailweaver had been the last time they’d fought. The last time, the elven warrior attacked an defeated MetalDrago without taking a single hit. MetalDrago still felt angry and betrayed by his own lack of skill in fighting.

    Darkness began to radiate from behind the two Paladins of N’Jal. MetalDrago, interested, turned behind him to witness a sight unlike any he’d ever experienced in all his years of life. The temple, it was changing, transforming by the will of the Dark Mother, or perhaps because of the infection of the All-Elemental.

    Dark spires began to jut from the architecture, and it took on a kind of mirror sheen that reflected light, but in the oddest way. It seemed the light was not being repelled by the surface of the temple at all, but by some kind of barrier around it, so the light would never even be able to touch the actual building itself. MetalDrago whistled appreciatively as the darkness began to coalesce, shrouding the actual shape of the temple in mystery, though MetalDrago knew that, given half the chance, he could draw the building almost exactly as it was. Dark spires, an almost mechanical appearance as it continued to rise out of the ground. As the temple continued to expand, each wing began to take on a different shade of evil. Decadence, greed, sloth, gluttony, arrogance, wrath… It was all being beautifully inscribed in murals and statues on the very face of the temple. MetalDrago was almost tempted to head back in to see how the interior had changed, then thought better of it.

    He turned away from the temple just as its shadow passed over himself and Lorenor. “I think we’d best leave, now.” He fought as hard as he could not to turn back again to look upon the splendor of N’Jal’s new temple. He walked through the Gate, his eyes set firmly ahead of himself, as N’Jal spoke to him. My young Paladin, you will return to My new Temple soon enough, and there you will be honored among the highest in My Order. Never doubt yourself, and never doubt the path I have set before you. You are now MetalDrago, the first of My Order of the Dark Dragon. From this point on, you are destined to become more powerful than you could possibly imagine, eventually second only to Myself and your brother Lorenor in power among the Dark Ones.

    MetalDrago smiled, convinced of his Mother’s words, and continued to walk forward, back into the realm of the mundane, where he would undoubtedly find the remains of the city of Valinatal again. He smiled, sensing the destruction before him, and reveling in the glory of the Dark Mother.
    Last edited by MetalDrago; 12-07-08 at 11:44 PM.

  3. #33
    Member
    EXP: 5,976, Level: 3
    Level completed: 25%, EXP required for next level: 3,024
    Level completed: 25%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,024
    GP
    1,955
    Mutant_Lorenor's Avatar

    Name
    Lorenor
    Age
    Immortal.
    Race
    The Unsent
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Bald
    Eye Color
    Blue (Deeply inset eye-sockets, no eyeballs, only a glowing energy)
    Build
    5.0'/200lbs
    Job
    Paladin of Ixian Knights

    View Profile
    Agreeing with his companion's assessment of the situation, the mutant proceeded forward. He took the newly found power in his possession and embraced the destiny that now lay before him. Looking around was a simple matter of consolidating his sensory sphere to the exact point he needed to access. He could see in any direction within the sphere as long as he concentrated. Concentrating for a moment on the area behind him, he could feel the change in the air. Outside of his sensory range, the world was a dull-gray that represented the lifeless colours of the anti-firmanent.

    Lorenor saw that the landscape itself changed. A dull, deep oily black filtered through the environs. It was like a liquid flowing across the contained reality until even the sky became foreboding and black. It was a macabre image twisted by Lorenor's once fractured mind. Now made whole by the will of N'Jal, the mutant no longer was burdened by his insanity. Nay. He relished in the fact of its existence allowing it to make him a whole entity for the side of darkness. A powerful ally to the will of N'Jal indeed.

    From his helmet covered face, shining orbs of truest amethyst burned with a intellectual hatred. This hatred was cunning and repulsive at the same time, a testament to the will of N'Jal. Lorenor felt his boots crunching against the altering ground even as corrupted plants and saplings sprouted from 'neath the surface of the earth.

    Awaiting before them both, the gateway burned with power. From beyond the gate, the mutant could see the old world of Althanas. Torn apart, broken, a former vessel for the glory it once held. A time and era of chaos had unfolded before history. Lorenor clenched his fists, feeling the sections of his new bio-organic armor moving together with his fingers. The newly forged armor seemed to radiate with power as it were.

    In its true form now, the creature known only as the endless seemed like the shell of some twisted and deformed insect. Each piece of the armor was perfectly sectioned across the expanse of his body. The helmet looked like the head of some giant beetle or praying mantis. The only thing it lacked was feelers. The scales pulsed with a dark energy that seemed to flow like a volcano through the shell of the armor. Moving slightly behind MD, the mutant stepped into the portal to face his new destiny...

  4. #34
    Member
    EXP: 12,400, Level: 4
    Level completed: 68%, EXP required for next level: 1,600
    Level completed: 68%,
    EXP required for next level: 1,600
    GP
    345
    MetalDrago's Avatar

    Name
    MetalDrago Scorpio
    Age
    242
    Race
    Dragonian
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Silver
    Eye Color
    Orchid
    Build
    6'4"/206lbs.
    Job
    None

    MetalDrago took a breath of the acrid air around the meteor. It didn’t affect him quite the way it had before. As a matter of fact, it hardly affected him at all. The taste of ash in his mouth was so perfect, the prelude do an era of destruction and chaos the likes of which Althanas hadn’t seen in many an era. The Dragonian Paladin couldn’t help but smile as he began to walk toward the outer rim of the former city. Eventually, darkness would creep outward from the meteor, for miles around, infecting the land, making it dark and twisted, broken and frightening.

    The sun began to sink into the western horizon, and MetalDrago laughed lightly to himself, barely audible enough for anyone to hear him. It was the end of a rather strange day to mark the beginning of a new era in Althanas history. N’Jal had her champions now. Let any other champion take up arms against them, and they would be dealt with harshly. N’Jal would walk the world again in her own right, and MetalDrago was determined to make that happen. The world would bow before the might of the Army of N’Jal.

    __________________________________

    MetalDrago and Lorenor approached the camp that had been made what seemed like ages ago. Infused with ash, even the soup MetalDrago had made remained untouched. The world hadn’t changed at all, even considering the immense changes the pair had gone through in the last few hours.

    Hours? Has it really only been mere hours since I sat here with Lorenor, talking of such unimportant things as the racism prevalent in Raiaera? He asked himself. It felt like thousands of years had passed, and it had merely been hours. MetalDrago understood, then, how Reiana, Seraius, and Terramat could have mistaken a mere ten years for ten thousand. Surely they were powerful enough now to appear to have trained for ten thousand years.

    MetalDrago’s orchid eyes appraised the land around him as he turned his head slightly toward Lorenor. “Commander, this world is going to change soon, and we’re the agents of that change.” MetalDrago felt that these words would not be misunderstood by his commander. The world would soon be engulfed in an eternal nightmare, one from which it would never be able to escape. The Goddess N’Jal would not be satisfied with the state of the world, ever. She was an agent of constant change, of Chaos, in a world where every Thayne sought peace, and in that peace, eternal stagnation. MetalDrago finally understood the wastes of peace.

    Only in a world of untold chaos, of everlasting change, could the true spirits of men be seen. New technologies, all-powerful magic, fighting skills never thought of before; all of this was possible, as long as the world remained in a state of constant change. “Heheheh. Order be damned! We are the living embodiment of Chaos, of Madness in a world that desperately needs a little shaking up.”

    To any outsider, it would appear as if MetalDrago had lost his mind, but to him, it was if he had discovered a truth that the world needed to have unveiled. What good is good without evil? It is nothing. There has to be a balance. Good cannot be destroyed, because its counterpart, true evil, cannot be destroyed, either. It was so simple. One cannot exist without the other. True control could not be achieved unless there was an opposite, true anarchy.

    It was time the world had a little shaking up. The mundane world was full of problems, of stagnation. Now, the Paladin saw this, and would stop at nothing to correct that perceived wrong. In truth, MetalDrago was now quite insane, by normal standards. His personality, merely through the last few hours, had been twisted and broken by the Goddess N’Jal, though now, put back together in this decidedly insane manner, he felt more complete than he had in all of his life. A darkness filled his heart, blinded him to light, and now he was the first of N’Jal’s chosen Dark Dragon Order, destined to become the most powerful of her draconic servants.


    This was truly a joyous day, the beginning of the Second Age of Darkness...

    (Spoils: A transformation that almost only affects appearance (his claws will become weapons at level 2, due to this transformation), a single use of that shapeshifting spell, to be used at a later date, the Dragon's Betrayal, and a slight madness caused by the infusion of N'Jal's will into his mortal shell, all locked until Level 2 Update)
    Last edited by MetalDrago; 12-15-08 at 05:23 PM.

  5. #35
    Member
    EXP: 5,976, Level: 3
    Level completed: 25%, EXP required for next level: 3,024
    Level completed: 25%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,024
    GP
    1,955
    Mutant_Lorenor's Avatar

    Name
    Lorenor
    Age
    Immortal.
    Race
    The Unsent
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Bald
    Eye Color
    Blue (Deeply inset eye-sockets, no eyeballs, only a glowing energy)
    Build
    5.0'/200lbs
    Job
    Paladin of Ixian Knights

    View Profile
    Stepping out of the portal, the mutant didn't feel quite as disoriented as before when he'd first stepped through that portal. The will of N'Jal made Lorenor feel more complete than he ever had in his life. The missing fragments of his life were stitched together to form a more finished mosaic. Lorenor knew however, that the journey had begun. The will of the dark lady was absolute, and the mutant would strive to follow the word. Follow my will. For my will is absolute. Thoughts swam in the mutant's fragile head, no longer fragile. The nano-virus within his head restructured the broken dendrites allowing the mutant to process things at an alarming rate.

    His mind had grown. Releasing its true function, the nano-virus, reprogrammed by the N'Jal Protocol, the nano-virus became a nano-plague.
    But within the host carrier, the mutant's body physically changed to become even more bizarre than before. Lorenor felt his muscles tighten, and his reflexes become much sharper. He moved quickly, keeping pace with his companion as they traveled across the blasted lands. The will of N'Jal flowed through his vessel now. Making the carrier a deadly agent for the change that was to come. MetalDrago spoke truly of the events that had unfolded, in essence, they were both carriers of the plague.

    N'Jal coursed through the mutant's vessel now. Lorenor's hands clenched and unclenched tightly with each new breath he took. Before, the mutant had a sort of wild insanity that made him a dangerous force to reckon with. Now, he had a drive, focus, and determination that was missing before. N'Jal had given Lorenor his missing purpose. With that purpose came a price to paid, the old Lorenor was gone replaced with something exceedingly darker and far more dangerous. The thoughts cycled through his head as deeply rooted ideas. Raids. Wars. Political strife and turmoil. These matters were but the beginning of the second age of darkness.

    MetalDrago heard the words of his companion, he heard the slight laugh of the other as well. Eternally bonded, the two were brothers now. Champions of the darkness. N'Jal's chosen paladins. Lorenor took that title extremely seriously. The light had its champions, the dark, in turn, now had its own champions. Feeling his fists unclench one more time, Lorenor surveyed the crash site. In the place of a once thriving elven city, the mutant would see fit that there would be a shrine to the dark mother. They made it back to the original camp. "Xem'Zund's forces are moving." Lorenor said as he listened to the wind speaking its warnings of what was to come.

    The recent wars in Raiaera against the dark Necromancer unwittingly drew the champions of N'Jal into the mix of things. Lorenor looked at Metaldrago, and then at the campsite. He just remembered that he was hungry. Sitting down on the rock next to the cauldron, the mutant poured himself a bowl of food. He knew it would be cold since the fires died out long ago. Lorenor didn't care, he just wanted to try his companion's cooking skills first-hand. As he sipped the soup, he tasted the rich texture even though the food was cold. Lorenor grinned. Nobody was here to attempt a thieving. Lorenor knew that the farthest living beings were far off fighting some deranged war against a egoist necromancer.

    He knew that they could do their next work without problems. Without interference. Lorenor ate his fill, and offered MetalDrago a loaf of fine bread without even realizing quite why. He just wanted to enjoy his meal at the start of a new life. "Now that this is taken care of. Let me tell thee a story." He looked up a MetalDrago whilst he ate. "It began with a tragedy that occurred long ago..." Lorenor began a tale of vengeance of of reckoning, reliving his life's events. What he knew of it, the information that MetalDrago had for him. Pieces of his past would finally come forward to fruition as his new future awaited him. And so, Lorenor recounted his entire life as he knew the truth. At the end of the tale, Lorenor looked at MetalDrago with a stern expression on his face. "And now mine friend, we must begin our first work. We shalt turn this hideous scar into a temple suitable for our Dark Mother." Lorenor said and stood. "We must begin the great work."

    ************************************************** ******

    ***Spoils***

    *N'Jal Protocol-(Note to protect Ithermoss' Thayne lore I am making it perfectly clear that my version of N'Jal is an N'Jal from an alternative reality adjacent to Althanas. If our quest makes cannon lore, I want it to be perfectly clear that our version of N'Jal is just one possibility. The original version of N'Jal would be protect for Ithermoss' Thayne Lore. I want other people to use this great writing tool for themselves as well and not to have to abide by the story myself and MetalDrago are writing. If people want to use MY version of N'Jal then that is fine too. I am just trying to expand Ithermoss' great work. 'Tis a pity not enough people use the Thayne Lore)

    The N'Jal Protocol is a collective of nano-machinery that exists in a well located deep within an asteroid that crash-landed on Raiaera. The crash-site radiates with a potent elemental energy known as wild energy. It is a form of potent chaos that N'Jal radiates. N'Jal has selected her chosen site on Althanas to begin the second Age of Darkness once more. A shrine to the N'Jal Protocol is visible as a well or a funnel of sorts in the middle of the asteroid to protect the creature from the ravages of deep space. The truth of N'Jal is now revealed. One of many possible N'Jal's the creature is extremely tiny and exists as a swarm of replicating nano-machines that has a single collective intelligence known as the Will of N'Jal. To come across N'Jal is to take in the living embodiment of the darkness.

    When a new host fuses with the N'Jal Protocol, their physical characteristics are greatly altered. They inherit great physical strength, agility, reflexes, and significant boost to their intellect. Those who are already infected with the plague Lorenor carries receive double bonuses. (Subject to Althanas rules and mod approval of course) Lorenor and MetalDrago have directly fused with the N'Jal Protocol. With MetalDrago, it will take time to manifest, with Lorenor, it manifest immediately and takes dramatic effect.

    *Strength-Lorenor receives a strength bonus, passively active, that allows him to have the strength of a normal human being who is an active body building. Lorenor has two times the strength of a normal human. This allows him to carry heavier objects and hit harder. Combined with the

    *Endurance-Lorenor receives an endurance bonus, passively active, that allows him to have the endurance of a normal human being who is quite physically fit. This grants Lorenor twice the normal endurance of a normal human being who is physically active. Having faced the hardships he's faced Lorenor can deal with situations that require great endurance much better than normal individuals can but not better than people with extreme endurance. Lorenor's Endurance is a potentially interesting aspect.

    *Reflexes and Speed-Lorenor's current reflexes remain the same. However, on foot, Lorenor can run about 50 MPH's. (Subject to moderator approval)

    *Endless-An organism bonded to Lorenor at the molecular level, the symbiote has a mind of its own. Though subjugated by Lorenor's dominant will power, the Endless still has its own free will. Currently, the armor has been exposed to N'Jal's primal influence and all things must change. Revealing it's mature form, the Endless has mutated into a strange form of exoskeleton armor. More bug-like than ever, Lorenor appears truly alien in his Endless form. The damascus quality armor has upgraded to the next tier rank, Dehlar, and achieved a capacity of both of the archaic properties of damascus and dehlar. The Endless is equivalent to a full suit of masterwork armor. Thanks to Lorenor's combined strength augmented with the Horns of Power (Permanently bonded to the Endless) Lorenor is more than strong enough to wield the heavy armor accurately. To Lorenor the Endless weighs but a few ounces.

    *Intellect-Lorenor's intellect has increased. He is now two times smarter than the average human being's I.Q. This Intellect boost applies to creative thinking as well as problem solving. All these stat-enhancements are passive abilities. Compared to someone like a Letho or a Godhand, Lorenor is still relatively weak and relatively unintelligent compared to people of that calibre.


    *Alchemy Codex- A simple book of alchemy located in the castle's store room. This book contains various recipes, all written in High Commonspeak, The recipes are few per chapter, and the tome is very thick in an ancient form of papyrus paper. The documents stored within those pages depict the -exact- recipe necessary to build various types of potions and elixirs. These potions will eventually grant Lorenor special benefits known as buffs. Buffs augment the Alchemist in some special way, usually temporarily. Eventually, Lorenor will become skilled enough in Alchemy to construct potions with permanent buffs. For the time being the constructed potions all use easily acquired ingredients for its recipes as the Codex is a beginner's guide. The first part of the book has a section to translate and instruct students in the language of High Commonspeak. There is also an extensive section on the art of Alchemy itself. A handy index in the back of the tome shows the exact location of each recipe in the book. A single recipe may take about ten pages at a time for the exact measurements and calculations of ingredients and room temperatures are an exact science. Lorenor will some day become a skilled Alchemy to buffer his fell Necromancy.
    Last edited by Mutant_Lorenor; 01-13-09 at 11:49 PM.

  6. #36
    Iwishlifehadcheatcodes
    EXP: 23,421, Level: 6
    Level completed: 49%, EXP required for next level: 3,579
    Level completed: 49%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,579
    GP
    4,371
    Taskmienster's Avatar

    Name
    Einar Fenrisson
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown, buzz cut mohawk
    Eye Color
    hazel
    Build
    6'2" / 315
    Job
    Outcast Noble

    View Profile
    Red Hand Pilgrimage: The Second Age of Darkness

    Apologies for the wait! I’m not going to have a whole lot of commentary, or point out specifics I should say. All in all the thread was well done, interesting, and well written. I feel that due to the nature of it the story wasn’t all that exciting, kinda jumped into the asteroid really quickly without building up to it… but other than that the score should reflect the effort well. For further clarifications, comments, or concerns please feel free to PM me, or IM me (though I haven’t had the chance to get on often as of late).

    STORY (18/30)

    ~ Continuity ~ 6

    I got a lot of background, and it was thrown in through dialogue, but it felt out of place. Like you were only talking about it so that the reader would know, a little unnatural. Try and write out the background with a mix of dialogue as well as creative narrating. It’ll help spice things up a bit more. All in all both well done.

    ~ Setting ~ 7

    ~ Pacing ~ 5

    MD: You seem to write in a way that makes you a follower, a tagalong instead of a main player. I think it’s because you tend to write your character in a way that makes him almost indebted or under the wing of another. Don’t feel bad about doing more in a post than just responding to the other’s post. Feel free to add depth to your writing so that you can portray setting, persona, and continuity in a more profound way. The sudden appearance of Terramat and his departure was unexpected.


    CHARACTER (19/30)

    ~ Dialogue ~ 6

    Well done, though Lorenor seemed to go from olde English to common dialect after the transformation quite a bit.

    ~ Action~ 7

    ~ Persona ~ 6

    A little more show and a little less feel is all I can really comment here. I got how you both were, but it seemed that you were writing it out not acting it out. Remember, the thread is a captivating story not a storyline of a profile.



    WRITING STYLE (22/30)

    ~ Technique ~ 6

    Good use of advanced technique, though Lorenor’s short, choppy sentences become a little too much at times. Try and intersperse those throughout the thread, but not too many back to back unless it’s an intentional rise in emotions.

    ~ Mechanics ~ 8

    Only a few errors here and there, nothing that a quick proof-read couldn’t fix.

    ~ Clarity ~ 8

    WILD CARD!!! 7


    TOTAL
    (66/100)


    GAINS/REWARDS!

    Both of your spoils are approved pending RoG approval. Lorenor you have a lot in there, so it’ll be a matter of whether you have too much at your next level up if it’s approved. MD you didn’t elaborate a lot, but as long as you elaborate on it in the update your should be fine.

    Lorenor: 3344 exp; 350 gold

    MD: 1790 exp; 350 gold

  7. #37
    Iwishlifehadcheatcodes
    EXP: 23,421, Level: 6
    Level completed: 49%, EXP required for next level: 3,579
    Level completed: 49%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,579
    GP
    4,371
    Taskmienster's Avatar

    Name
    Einar Fenrisson
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown, buzz cut mohawk
    Eye Color
    hazel
    Build
    6'2" / 315
    Job
    Outcast Noble

    View Profile
    Exp and GP added!

    Lorenor is now level 6!

Page 4 of 4 FirstFirst ... 234

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •