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Thread: Pleasure Doing Business: Pyrotechnics and Peril

  1. #11
    Daonnan Caillte
    EXP: 79,284, Level: 12
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    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next level: 10,716
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    Karuka's Avatar

    Name
    Karuka O'Sheean
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Dark Red
    Eye Color
    Sun and Sky Blue
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    Heat raked her slender body with all the merciful tenderness of an alcoholic Roman gaoler on a bad day. With a groan, Karuka sat up slowly, forcibly swimming her way back to consciousness. She coughed a couple of times, spitting coarse grains of red sand from a mouth that felt like it had been chewing cotton for the past hour.

    Slowly she squinted her eyes open, flinching against the glare of the Fallien sun reflected from the sand. With a whump and a shower of coral grains, a goatskin bag landed at her knees, and suddenly a man's shadow fell over her. She snatched the goatskin without hesitation, unplugging it and starting to drink thirstily.

    For all of a second. Rather than pure, sweet water, the "liquid" in the bag was a rancid curdled milk mixture. She drank it a mouthful at a time, despite the fact that the taste made her want to choke it all back up. Her body demanded the moisture. When he started speaking, it was in the fluid, foreign tongue of the natives, and she couldn't understand what he was saying or what he wanted.

    Her gear and staff were back a few paces behind him, but he hadn't removed the belt that held her rune pouch. Maybe he'd deemed the clay tablets insignificant, if he decided...

    She looked up at the man and her eyes widened a fraction. This was the man from her flash of insight. The dangerous man out for blood. And in her curiosity, she had stumbled blindly into his clutches first. That minute of eye contact had made him paranoid, and made her a target.

    He looked at her pointedly, demanding an answer, but she just shook her head. "I d'nae understand ye."


    The foreign words coming out of the redhead's mouth were all the response Dhiren needed. He didn't wish needless harm upon an observant Fallien girl; no, such a girl could appreciate what he did and become his queen. But the Fallien girl would have understood him when he demanded her name and tribe.

    Violently he kicked the skin of yogurt from her hands, sending it squirting out upon the sands. He kicked her again and again, sending her tumbling and not letting her drag herself away from him, however she might claw at the burning sands shifting under her silk-clad body. However she might scurry like a rat from the dread karuku-tal, she could not escape the force of his justice.

    His attack was relentless, even if he was just warming up.

    The force of his repeated kicks slamming into her chest, back, and exposed abdomen winded Karuka, but the pain of it all quickly blurred into one ignorable mass as her will to survive kicked in and she hurried over the coarse red sand one desperate hand at a time to get to her weapon. The pouch of runes at her side was useless with her so directly under attack, and she wasn't strong enough to match her assailant in a fist fight.

    Finally, a particularly brutal kick shoved her within reach of the smooth grip of her staff, and she grabbed onto it desperately. A wild, hard swing connected with Dhiren's knee, forcing him down for a moment. Karuka gladly used that moment to regain her feet, bursting from the ground like an explosion, with sand flying off of her and her sides and battered belly heaving in an effort to consume more of the painfully dry air. Where the dark skinned Fallien man had been relentless in his attack for cruelty's sake, the redheaded Celtic lass lashed out at him again before he could get up because she knew if he went on the offensive again, she wouldn't get another crack at him.

    Blow after blow fell with all the force she could muster; she wasn't fighting. She was beating him in the same way she might attack a serpent in her path. The only thing that kept her from breaking his head open like a melon was the fact his arms had lifted to protect it. Slowly, despite the force of her barrage, Dhiren rose to his feet, although his right knee nearly buckled when he first put weight on it. Desperation fueled the last blow he allowed the waif to get in before he wrested her staff from her grip and swung it at her, landing a glancing blow on her shoulder.

    With a curse, he flung the weapon aside and lifted his hands. Before the girl could take a step one way or another, her feet were encased in sand, and no matter how she struggled, it kept rising inexorably to consume her. It would burn its way up her body and then crush her in an instant. She would be food for the scorpions.

    When Karuka found that she couldn't free herself, she did the last thing she could do in a bid for survival: reach into her rune pouch. Of course, the curious, warm little orb she'd found the night before got in her way, and she tossed it to her right hand, continuing to fumble around in the little leather bag with her left until her fingers grabbed hold of a single tablet.

    The sand had already crawled its way up her legs, and she snatched her hand away from the ever-mounting pile of sand that sought to be her final grave. The rune that had come to hand was a little wedge shaped one; the only one she could use this far out in the middle of nowhere. She bit her thumb roughly, ignoring the flash of pain when blood spurted from the wound and onto her rune. Then, as the burning sands climbed up her back and abdomen, she took a deep breath and started the prayer that she hoped would save her life.
    The Karu knows.

  2. #12
    Daonnan Caillte
    EXP: 79,284, Level: 12
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next level: 10,716
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next level: 10,716
    GP
    4,785
    Karuka's Avatar

    Name
    Karuka O'Sheean
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Dark Red
    Eye Color
    Sun and Sky Blue
    Build
    5'8"
    Job
    Adventurer

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    The sand had made it all the way up to her neck by the time she'd finished the prayer, but she forced away the doubts that choked the last, necessary word in her throat and trained her eyes on her would-be killer, clenching her rune tightly in her hand and focusing her will to give this spell everything she had left.

    "Ken." Her world went blurry white.


    The fact that she was muttering was laughable to Dhiren, but if Outlanders had gods to pray to, he could let her make peace with hers before he killed her. That was the last mistake he was ever going to make. The last word of her prayer wasn't mumbled, it was spoken loudly and clearly, with all the force of a command. He'd been a fool, in his arrogance, to not recognize her as a spellcaster working her magic. Too late, he realized that prayers don't use blood.

    Fire burst out from the artificial dune surrounding the girl, blowing it off of her in a spray of glittering glass shards and freeing her entirely. Her blue eyes glowed brilliant sapphire, and her skin and hair shone brighter than the sun, brilliant fire colors that made his blood run cold. His eyes darted down to the orb in her free hand. A phoenix egg.

    He didn't know how an Outlander had come across something so incredibly rare and precious. A female phoenix wouldn't even lay one egg every five hundred year life time. They were so rare that some thought they didn't, that they just continued to die and be reborn in flame. But this rare egg had chosen this flame colored woman, and the firmamancer could only cower before her as she opened her mouth to speak - words not of herself, but of the desert...of the gods of the desert themselves.

    "You have defiled this desert." The voice wasn't the girl's, it resonated through the desert and into his very soul. A caustic wind started up around the flame-wrapped redhead, fluttering her skirt and making her hair flow around her head.

    "These are the words of the goddess Suravani, who has seen your treachery and brought you here to end it. Not all Outlanders will be good for Fallien, but they will not all be bad. I have brought the Jya to power for a reason, and I smile upon her actions and decisions. You cannot purify that which is not contaminated."

    She raised her hand, and before the trembling man could plead for his life, he was engulfed and consumed by fires hotter than the sun's wrath.
    The Karu knows.

  3. #13
    Daonnan Caillte
    EXP: 79,284, Level: 12
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next level: 10,716
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next level: 10,716
    GP
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    Karuka's Avatar

    Name
    Karuka O'Sheean
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Dark Red
    Eye Color
    Sun and Sky Blue
    Build
    5'8"
    Job
    Adventurer

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    Karuka's vision cleared and she lowered her hand, gasping for breath. She didn't know what had just happened, but the charred corpse in front of her told her that the spell had worked in a bigger way than she'd ever expected it to. She took a step forward and nearly stumbled. The heat had gotten to her, she needed to cool down fast, and there wasn't any shade in the vast expanse of golden red dunes for as far as her eyes could see.

    Putting her fire rune back into its pouch, Karuka looked around for her satchel. Fortunately, it hadn't landed too far away, and she crunched through the thin layer of glass on the ground to go get it. When she had it, she nearly ripped it open, grabbing her goat skin from within and swallowing mouthful after mouthful of warm but life-sustaining water.

    She had to force herself to not drain the entire skin; she didn't know how long she'd be stuck out in the desert. Rather than remain in her luxurious but impractical silk garb, she pulled out the cotton outfit from the day before, getting into it quickly and covering her head with the cloth wrap, which she dampened. She was still hot, but at least the sun couldn't ravage her body directly anymore.

    After she'd tucked the little red orb safely into her bag, tucked in a pile of bandages, she grabbed her staff and started trudging the long way back to Irrakam, guided only by her pendulum.


    Night had fallen in all its wondrous coolness by the time Karuka, weary and dehydrated nearly to the point of delirium, dragged her weary carcass back into Irrakam. She hurt all over from the beating she'd taken, and she wanted nothing more than to drink her fill of cold water and crawl into a bed. She didn't know if Storm was looking for her or if he was even still in the city, but that didn't matter too much.

    When she found a bench, Karuka settled into it gratefully. The hard, cool stone under her weary legs felt wonderful, and a sigh escaped the girl's lips. She took her chance to rest for a minute, but then she'd go on and search for a room.

    She was so tired that she barely noticed a man in Elven robes settle in beside her. "They say Fallien can be rough on outsiders."

    "Ay, jus' a wee bit. But many nations ha' a hard time t' accept what's diff'rent." The redhead didn't so much as open her eyes.

    "Your accent is interesting. Are you Dheath?"

    She considered telling him the truth, but having been to Dheathain recently, she decided to just nod and let him believe it. That would be the easy way, and no one on Althanas knew about Ireland anyway.

    "You have an unusual complexion for a Dheath girl."

    "Ay."

    The stranger let the silence hang for a few moments, looking the girl over. She wasn't the sort of person he would normally pick for any sort of task, no matter how simple. She was too young, too human, and despite the weariness that lined her face, he could see that she was far too brash. But the fact he would never choose her would drive others from her trail.

    "Would you be interested in going to Raiaera?"

    Karuka opened her eyes to look at the Elf. His dark eyes shone with a peculiar intelligence from beneath the well-groomed black mane that was tied at the nape of his neck. "Why?"

    "There is a delivery that I haven't the time to make myself. A very important delivery that a man waiting at Istien is waiting for. I will give you the means to get there, and see you off on the boat."

    "An' who would I be givin' this t'?"

    "A man with black hair and eyes, waiting at the gates of Istien." He didn't want to tell her the name. The thought of approaching a man such as Damon Kaosi could be intimidating for almost anyone.

    Karuka looked out on the darkened streets of Irrakam. She'd never been to Raiaera before. Perhaps there she could find what she'd come to Fallien seeking - that which she had failed to find in the harsh land of sand and sun.

    "Ay. I'll go."

    "Excellent." The Elven man stood up, reaching out and helping the lass to her feet. "This is what you will be delivering." He gave her a small box of liviol wood with silver decorations. "Now, let's get you rehydrated."

    ~*~*~

    The next morning saw Karuka on a small cargo ship bound out of Fallien to Raiaera. She hadn't seen Storm again, hadn't gotten to say goodbye...but she wouldn't be forgetting him soon. The night before last, with a charming smile and mischief dancing in his gray-blue eyes, he'd given her back the necklace with the little jade charm she'd thrown back in his face. It would be a good, if ironic, memento.

    One last glance back at the fading red sands behind her and she turned her face forward. Dharma only traveled one direction.

    Out of Character:
    Spoils request: the Phoenix egg, due to hatch much later than this in Karuka's storyline and the jade necklace Storm gave her in this post in the original Pleasure Doing Business. I've been working for the egg for two quests, and the first scored a 64.
    Last edited by Karuka; 02-27-09 at 10:31 PM.
    The Karu knows.

  4. #14
    Iwishlifehadcheatcodes
    EXP: 23,421, Level: 6
    Level completed: 49%, EXP required for next level: 3,579
    Level completed: 49%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,579
    GP
    4,371
    Taskmienster's Avatar

    Name
    Einar Fenrisson
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown, buzz cut mohawk
    Eye Color
    hazel
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    PDB: Pyrotechnics and Peril


    STORY (20.5/30)

    ~ Continuity ~ 6.5
    Generally well done, as you explained a little bit more and more as you went through the first half of the posts, it still felt like there were little things missing. For someone not familiar with this story, it would have been very hard to follow at first. Questions of Karaka/Storm together, what happened to make them feel the way they do towards each other, and others rise to mind. As well as what the purpose of the thread is from the opening till the end, and how well you wrote it out as you went.

    ~ Setting ~ 6
    I didn’t really know what time of day it was, or why people weren’t around till almost the 9th post. Till that point the setting was somewhat hard to figure out, though mostly because there was so much other story being portrayed.

    ~ Pacing ~ 8



    CHARACTER (23.5/30)

    ~ Dialogue ~ 7.5

    ~ Action~ 8

    ~ Persona ~ 8



    WRITING STYLE (22/30)

    ~ Technique ~ 7.5
    Karuka: A couple times you slipped into what felt like a lower diction for storytelling, nothing huge though.

    Storm:
    “The girl was nowhere to be found, and his search seemed fruitless. She was nowhere to be found; nowhere to in sight.” [4] ~ ‘was nowhere to be found’ was the opening to both sentences, and after the semi-colon you had ‘nowhere to in sight’… probably just accidentally threw in the ‘to’.

    ~ Mechanics ~ 7

    ~ Clarity ~ 7.5


    WILD CARD!!! 7

    TOTAL
    (73/100)


    GAINS/REWARDS!

    Spoils granted.

    Karuka: 3000 exp | 0 gold for spoil
    Storm: 2176 exp | 150 gold

  5. #15
    Iwishlifehadcheatcodes
    EXP: 23,421, Level: 6
    Level completed: 49%, EXP required for next level: 3,579
    Level completed: 49%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,579
    GP
    4,371
    Taskmienster's Avatar

    Name
    Einar Fenrisson
    Age
    30
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown, buzz cut mohawk
    Eye Color
    hazel
    Build
    6'2" / 315
    Job
    Outcast Noble

    View Profile
    Exp and GP added!

    Karuak's level 8!
    Storm's level 10!

    Congrats both!

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