Behind the Veil

[Izvilvin]

Izvilvin's blood dripped from his nose, down to his lip and into his mouth. The taste of it was lost to him, as he stared intently at the body of the murderer. Ending the threat of Aubrey presented a very real reality to Izvilvin - he was going to face Step, and the time was fast approaching. He realized that he had little to no idea of how to deal with such an entity, and was certain he couldn't confront it the same way he'd confronted the killer.

He snapped out of the trance at Alydia's beckoning, and he felt relief at seeing her. "For good this time," he muttered, "no more close calls."

Of course he was talking about Aubrey, but wasn't sure how to express just how he'd felt about the killer. Izvilvin recalled the first time he'd seen him, observing a dialogue between he and Alydia. Aubrey had an aura of filth, a kind of musky feeling that surrounded him which the warrior had picked up on. And yet they were oddly similar - Izvilvin, even, had probably killed more people in his lifetime.

Step was the reason for a lot of those deaths. He found himself wishing he'd been stronger, sooner, to resist the organization's demands.

Bron stepped toward the center of the roof to begin the process of decoding the book. Meanwhile, Izvilvin took Alydia's offered potion and drank half of it as instructed. He winced at the bitter flavor, but instantly felt a tightening in his nose and a lack of new blood.

"Good news," called Bron as he flipped through the thin tome. "This shouldn't take much time to decrypt. As a matter of fact, I've seen patterns like this multiple times. Five minutes, tops."

Izvilvin approached, heard Bron speaking to himself, saw him scribble on a sheet of paper. He was too anxious, too curious, too nervous to speak to either of them. Meeting Alydia was a catalyst to the biggest struggle of his life, and it had all happened so fast.

In no time at all, Bron spoke a series of words and the air around them changed. Before their very eyes opened a black portal surrounded by a blue mist, beckoning them forward with an oddly alluring, black abyss.

"This is it. This will take you to Step's headquarters, wherever it may be," said Bron.

Izvilvin stared into it for a solid ten seconds. "Thank you," he said simply, before turning to face Alydia. A moment passed before he spoke again. "I'll see you on the other side, if you still decide that you want to come."

He gave Bron another glance, then stepped through the portal.

[Alydia Ettermire]

Alydia looked toward the portal, but she wavered for a moment. Bron watched, breath bated, to see if she'd take the smart option and step down. He could see the doubt in her face, but her foot finally went forward, toward the portal.

"Alydia." Bron's voice was both soft and firm, and it kept her in her spot. "You know that if you go, you will have to kill them. Or they will kill you." Bron had never heard of her raising her hand to actively kill anyone. But rather than the revulsion he thought he'd see on her face, rather than the step back he knew she'd take...she just lowered her head.

"I know, Bron." A thick layer of remorse subdued her tone. "And it...won't be the first time. I don't believe in murder. I don't believe in killing anyone - or anything - without good reason. You know that. But sometimes, Bron...rarely...to save the lives of innocents, guilty lives must be taken. They told us on the force to never kill unless there wasn't a choice." Alydia's head came back up, and she stepped toward the portal once more. "I don't see a choice here. He won't make it on his own."

Bron sighed. Why did she always have to be so much trouble? Still...it was his job to do what he could to keep her informed and protected. He couldn't go along with her, she'd already flatly rejected bringing other members of her own team. Instead, he just offered what he could: a map and a delyn dagger.

"The map was in the back of the book. It's a map of Step's interior." He tapped a room in the map. "There's supposed to be a 'true' history of the world in this room. According to legend -" He didn't need to finish. He could see the gleam in her eye; she got that same look every time she was about to go on a heist.

"According to legend," she finished for him, "the person who can understand the subtle realities of history...will be able to explore it themselves. Oh what grand adventure."

Bron almost sighed. Still, he'd made it a game for her, which boosted her chances immensely. "Take the knife as well. Everyone, no matter who, needs a sharp knife. I'll deal with the body."

Aly scowled at the knife, but took it and started back to the portal.

"Your coat and hat. You stick out like a dwarf in a Coronian bar. Reverse them."

Alydia rolled her eyes, but reversed her trademark scarlet trench coat and fedora to their black sides, then turned to Bron, holding out her arms after tugging the brim down over her left eye. "May I go out to play now, mother?"

Bron raised an eyebrow at the sardonic tone in her voice, but nodded. "I don't recommend you going. But if you must...you're as fit as you're going to be."

She vanished through the portal, which he closed after her. Then he looked around at the skyline. He remembered the days it had been bold and proud. Now it huddled under a cloak of fear: fear of its own military, fear of the threats that the undead would spill over from Raiaera. It wasn't right.

Then he looked down at the corpse of Shynt Aubrey. He remembered the city living under fear of him. And now he was dead. The information dealer ran a hand through his hair and then went down the stairs to leave the magnificent scene that was Ankhas. Within the hour, the Ettermire police would be on the site.

Stay safe, Aly.

Spoils request: Simple Delyn dagger, sharp edge, serrated at the base of the blade on one side, no enchantments.

((OOC: The exciting conclusion in To the Bitter End.))

[Taskmienster]

Behind the Veil

((This is being used as a test judgment, so my commentary may be a little more in-depth than previous judgments for this series))

STORY (16.5/30)

~ Continuity ~ 6.5
Having read the previous threads, I knew what was going on. But all in all it was still pretty well set up. I could have used more background instead of a link to a thread, had I been a new mod just coming to judge this instead of one going from thread to thread. I also knew what your goals were, though they were rushed, and you accomplished them well throughout the thread.

~ Setting ~ 6
All in all the setting was well described at the opening of each new place, but wasn’t really used or expounded upon after it was originally set up. I would suggest incorporating more into it, even if it’s just subtle little additions here and there.

~ Pacing ~ 4
WitW: Your pacing was slowed, in my opinion, by the considerably long sentences that were prevalent. They aren’t normally a bad thing, or anything to note, however in this thread they seemed out of place at times. Some clauses could have stood alone with the addition of a few other words, and worked just as well. The ellipses I mention in the technique section are part of the flow issues as well.

Izzy: Your pacing in the 7th post, with noticing Aubrey and into that post was really sudden and felt a bit rushed. Not just the pacing, but the post itself. Also, not just in that post, but you have a lot of separated ‘paragraphs’ that are little more than a sentence. Those could easily be expanded upon, or have the previous or following paragraph tied into them instead of them standing alone as often as they did. It cut the flow an awful lot.

“it had all happened so fast.” [11] ~ This is what I thought about the thread… heh. It was happening so fast. As if both of you just wanted to get through this last bit and be done with it.


CHARACTER (19/30)

~ Dialogue ~ 7
Well done, nothing really to comment here… Perhaps if you had shown more character and emotion through the way things were said. You both did it from time to time, but not enough to make it something common.

~ Action~ 5.5
It was rushed, hurried like all hell. The fight between Izvilvin and Aubrey was so quick and over with, as opposed to something more that I would have expected. He’s supposed to be an amazing fighter, and taking the view of someone who did not read the fight on the train, I would have still expected more. I understand it was actually, probably, a really intense and wicked fight. But it wasn’t written that way at all…

Also, the drugging of the guards and the scene that came just before it wasn’t really realistic. If there are two guards, in charge of watching something so secretive and supposedly important, why would they just willingly accept something from a stranger? Being in that position, in a realistic opinion, would probably mean they are going to get fucked up if they fail. So it wasn’t very realistic.

~ Persona ~ 6.5
I, rather unfortunately, got far more persona in regards to Brom’s character from both of you than I did from your own characters. There was a good deal in there by both of you, but nothing outstanding, or anything that made the characters feel less flat. I would suggest throwing a little bit more in regards to how the character felt, rather than just what they felt and why. Show, don’t tell. It’s key to writing well.



WRITING STYLE (20.5/30)

~ Technique ~ 6.5
There really wasn’t anything outstanding or profound that stood out, nor was there the advanced technique that I know both of you can excel at if you put your mind to it. Again, I attribute a lot of that to the fact that the thread seemed extremely rushed.

WitW: You use A LOT of ellipses. Perhaps I had missed in previous threads, or perhaps you just wrote a lot more into this thread than normal. Whatever the case, it throws off the technique and what your writing style is normally.

~ Mechanics ~ 7
Other than what’s noted below, it was just a simple comma usage that stood out the most.

“like a liquid and making not a sound.” [1] ~ “Like a liquid…” what? You missed a word.

“lush orange/brown fabric” [3] ~ instead of the back slash you could put ‘and’ to make it more of a storytelling fashion of writing instead of a quick post. Just a little thing.

“He bit back a curse; this could be bad.”[6] ~ ‘this’ seems out of place as a tense agreement issue. Could have replaced ‘this’ with ‘the situation could [get] bad’.

~ Clarity ~ 7
“And Izvilvin Kazizzrym, who could not have hoped to keep his identity or whereabouts secret from Retla, had come to him asking for Alydia.” [2] ~ You say Retla as if it’s expected of the reader to know who he is, if I hadn’t read the previous threads I wouldn’t have known that Brom’s last name was Retla. You explain it a little further on, but it’s just something that should be clarified before condensing the name.

WitW: The cut between Shynt and Alydia, with just a double space, made it somewhat hard to follow at times.


WILD CARD!!! 6

TOTAL

(62/100)


GAINS/REWARDS!

Where in the World?: 1171 exp |40 gold (minus the expenses and the dagger you get)

Izvilvin: 2210 exp | 150 gold

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added