Thoughtless

[Karuka]

The thunderous crashes from the battle within the dilapidated old Temple were the only reports on how the two brutes within fared. Throughout, Karuka stood in silence, just watching the building as though if she stared hard enough eventually the wall would evaporate and allow her to see what was happening. She didn't like being pushed to the side of a fight; she'd been known to step into fights that had nothing to do with her so deep ran that antipathy.

She'd met Molotov because of that tendency, and he'd taught her how to fight. She'd watched Damon Kaosi destroy the universe because of that tendency. She had hit the guardian spirit of the Liviol Sanctum on its nose because of that tendency. It would not have been unlike her to challenge Amiya on her own, despite the great disparity of power.

But instead she had turned her back and fled. It was all she could do to keep put, and her fingertips tapped rapidly in the little indents her hands had worn into the wood of her staff. Waiting was torture, it was hel.

But it was even worse when an abrupt silence fell upon the clearing.

The redheaded woman took a step forward, acting on impulse for a second before checking herself and sparing a glance to the paladins huddled together. The consensus of their conversation...

Damn it all, I knew I shouldn't have left him in there alone. She'd chosen to let the ghoul have his thrice-damned pride instead of standing and fighting. She'd chosen wrong.

Booted feet flew over the dying grass, and an amber hand grasped the handle of the heavy stone door that had contained and isolated the combatants. It didn't budge under an insistent tug, so Karuka set her feet and pulled with all her weight. Even so, it only cracked open enough for the slender woman to squeeze through.

Fragments of stone clattered down; rubble wedged in the door frame had made opening the door any further impossible for her merely average strength. What little light managed to penetrate the grave interior of the chapel drifted down hesitantly in cold little beams that were too afraid to touch the floor.

Bodies littered the floor. Some were dressed in the dark robes worn by Durogath's cultists, others sported the crisp white robes of the clerics of Sintyre. A little wisp of something smoke-like caught Karuka's attention, and much to her surprise it was the image of a man. There were others in the building, and it took the Irish lass a moment to realize she was seeing the spirits of men who hadn't been ready to die. It wasn't the first time she'd seen a ghost, but it had been a while.

Shaking her head, Karuka started walking down the rubble-strewn aisle, toward the figure impaled on the altar. Dust and death clogged the air, making it an oppressive endeavor to draw every breath...but that wasn't the worst of it. The most oppressive part of having entered the chamber was the dreadful silence that enshrouded the now-abandoned battle scene.

Nimbly, she picked her way through the rubble scattered in her path, eyes fixed on the ground to prevent her from stumbling. She was almost to the altar when a shadow moved at the edge of her vision and caught her attention. Her bright blue eyes snapped up, piercing the darkness to catch sight of a man in a robe. His cowl covered his face so that she couldn't see anything but his mouth.

A moment passed where she and the mysterious figure stood looking at each other, he considering her with a calm patience, she glaring upon him with suspicion. His hands didn't move, he was utterly still; her feet set themselves shoulder width apart for balance and her right hand clenched upon her staff in case it was foe she found herself face to face with. She wasn't backing down from another fight this day. She heard him make a soft sound, but whether it was a scoff or a chuckle she wasn't quite sure. Then he turned away and simply vanished.

Karuka turned her head back to the altar to see if what she thought she'd seen through the gloom was real, and a sinking feeling in her gut told her it was. Before her, as dead and decrepit as any other broken body in the room, was the body of Seth Dahlios, pinned like an insect by a gigantic sword. The sword the malevolent redhead had wielded, to be precise.

His soul was there, like many of the other mens', but his was different. Although ragged and tattered, incomplete, it railed, it raged, it slammed against the body and shoved at the blade impeding it. The other souls drifted. They'd quit. He would fight until his body turned to dust and blew away.

Karuka dropped her staff with a hollow clatter, hurrying up to the altar to see if there was anything she might be able to do. "Hold on," she told the spirit, unsure if he could hear or understand her at all. "I'll...I'll do something."

She reached for the sword, to pull it from the corpse, but the instant she touched it a voice screamed into her mind, lashing out at her. How dare she, a little impudent wretch dare to touch it, the Angel Slayer?

Startled, she let it go for a second. She'd never seen a weapon that could speak to someone before. Then her eyes narrowed and her lips curled back in a snarl. She grabbed the sword again, and this time her slender fingers wrapped tightly around the cold grip. Again, the sword started screaming and railing at her, but she only clenched her hand tighter.

"Shut the Hel up." In one smooth motion she withdrew the Angel Slayer from Seth's body, then stepped back to see if that made any difference at all.

[Dissinger]

"Admirable job."

The voice held a heavy hint of amusement. The pitch and tone were so vague that it truly could have been anyone's voice. The confidence and power were undeniable as well, however. This "anybody" could have been a king, or a god.

Amiya wasn't sure she could trust the robed figure, yet he had brought her here. No, he had forced her to come. She had been told to fight Seth Dahlios and hint at the truth of the situation to the ghoul. She almost relished the mission, until she realized how pathetic Seth had truly become in undeath. Shaking her head she gestured at the empty sheath at her hip. "I can understand telling me to attack the ghoul, perhaps even shattering his desire for vengeance and hopes further, but to leave the blade that keeps the other gods in check against my master? Are you crazy Time Walker?"

"This had to occur; did you forget the day that this is? It was a momentous day for the Seraphs," the man known only as the Time Walker replied. The arms crossed in a mocking way, almost underlying just how obvious what day it was.

A slender hand brushed crimson locks away fromt he female avatar's face before she looked back at the forest that surrounded the Cathedral mere meters below. It was a fact that probably would have caused the Lavinian Demon some pain had he known, especially in his efforts hunting down the fallen Avatar of Power. She looked back at the other Avatar before she let out a slow sigh. "Yes, it is the day the Demon Wars began anew. The Seraphs will hold the second conclave in five years, and begin mobilizing again, to protect the seal points. Sintyre will have already mobilized months prior and possibly shattered several key lay lines fueling the seal positions."

"It’s also the day you received Angel Slayer for the first time. When you go back to Uriel, tell him you completed your task, and that you need the Angel Slayer he had been told to hide," the Time Walker replied bluntly.

She glared piercingly under the cowl, angry that she could not pierce the deep darkness contained within, and shook her head. "You and your little games; its no wonder the other Avatars avoid you. They can't tell if their actions are fate or free will..."

The figure laughed bitterly. "Free will? That is the myth of mortals. Only the gods themselves have true free will. They define the river, the rest of us merely ride the currents of time's flow. You lost free will the day you were born."

~*~

It was dark.

He was alone, away from the cares of a warm and living world. This wasn't the friendly embrace of Death; this was the spurned torture of his ghoulish nature. It was cold, and he was in utter despair. Not only could he not find the light sought within himself, but he knew it had never been there in the first place.

He was caught in the truth of his situation. He was no shining beacon of hope to the ages, he was a menace. He was merely another villain in the play of life, waiting for the hero to come along and slay him. It wasn't that Seth hated being seen as such, it was more that he had been dealt the same hand repeatedly, while others got fresh and new cards.

He could hardly recall what other cards there were to play.

Soon he felt the tug. He was being released from the respite of death once more. At first it was a slight twinge in his gut. The call was weaker than his usual return to the land of the living. He hardly recognized it, yet when the second jerk to the land of the living came, there wasn't a doubt in his mind. He was to return and continue his vengeance against those who had grave robbed him.

~*~

A howl of rage, deep from the bowls of hell erupted from the mouth of the ghoul. The tone was of a man tormented and being forced into life, rather than the cry of life and the desire to continue. No, the wail of the ghoul was one of defeat, fatigue, and despair. It spoke of guilt, it spoke of rage, and it spoke of a desire to erase the world about it, so it could finally lay at rest.

Immediately it rolled from upon the Altar and let out another growl, feral and menacing. Its eyes crossed over the figures slowly making their way into the Cathedral, at the tasty young treat before him, and in an attempt to feast he lunged, only to fall to the ground, as the chains about his wrists latched firmly upon the altar.

Another cry of rage pierced the air. The ghoul was frustrated and hungry, and the claws upon its hands scratched furrows into ground in an attempt to reach the tender and sweet meat of the girl. Drool slathered from his mouth, giving the man an even more crazed expression, each grunt and cry begging her to come forth so he could kill her.

It isn't him... She remembered this, but only in a vague flash from a few days before, a monster lunging for his prey - prey that had been her. She didn't remember what had spared her that night, but now she knew that whatever had spared her then was sparing her now. She'd felt the wiry muscles moving under her with tremendous power during the mad dash to reach the temple. Something held him back, held him down.

Karuka took a step back, looking around; she held the sword that had pinned him before her, though in her hands it was useless, though its shrill voice resounded emptily in her head. What now? If he fed on flesh, as he'd told her he did, then there were plenty of corpses and near corpses. Dropping the sword with an abrupt clunk, she found one of the dark-robed cultists who was letting out one of his final breaths and dragged him over to the ghoul. Getting close enough to feed him meant getting close enough to be attacked, though. If she survived this, then she wouldn't need to worry about going to sleep one night and being devoured by morning.

Immediately a cry of victory, of the hunt ending, left it's throat. Without hesitation it tore open the robes and began to feast. Its jubilant cries echoed through the halls even as the priests and Paladins of the Seraphs made their way through the doorway. They each felt a cold shudder at the realization of just how inhuman the Lavinian Demon truly was.

[Karuka]

The inhuman cries and the figure of a man devouring a man were sickening, and as much as they made Karuka want to look away, as much as she tried, her eyes were fixed on the scene. This was disgusting, it was truly the act of a monster. This was what the man she had met so long ago had been reduced to; a ravenous animal cannibalizing corpses for its sustenance. It was nauseating. It was horrifying. And she was stuck with it.

But somewhere inside the monster were the tattered vestiges of a man. If his actions in getting to the Temple and fighting the demons hadn't proven that, her glimpse of his soul was irrefutable. He'd been set on a path and was stuck to it, had no choice but to see it through to the end. He'd just managed, somehow, to pull her along for the ride.

The entire grisly scene was over in a quarter of an hour, and the ghoul came back to his senses, standing up and shaking his head to clear it. He looked up at the young woman whose face held only a trace of disgust, rather than the abject terror most people would display when faced with something like Seth. He didn't say a word, just grabbed two more dead cultists and left the crumbling church.

Karuka shook her head, brushing a lock of hair away from her face with a dusty hand and heading back to pick up her staff. Her part here was done and she didn't want to be in the cramped quarters of faith long fallen anymore.

She passed Taviri on her way out; he was hovering near his still-unconscious sister. She gave him a weary, almost hollow smile. "May the grass grow long on your road to Hel from want of use," she offered as a farewell blessing.

Taviri shook his head, letting a bit of color return to his face before he gave her a brave smile and nodded."May the road rise to meet you, and the wind be ever at your back," he offered in return. It was an old Irish blessing, one she had offered him and Liliana the day she'd left them. Part of her felt odd at hearing a bit of Ireland come from the mouth of an Althanian, and part of her welcomed the feeling of home regardless of its source.

She nodded and walked off, into the woods, headed back to Radasanth. She wasn't sure what her next steps would be, how she would handle the responsibility of being immune to Seth's ravenous rage. The quicker they got him whatever had him out of his grave, the sooner he went back to rest and the fewer people he ate - murdered to eat. Or she could hide him away the rest of her life, keeping him as far away from people as possible...but that would see her living for however long she lived with a snarling, hungry beast. Then, when her life - her empty, unfulfilled life - came to an end, he would be free to do as he would, unchecked.

But if she let him kill and eat people, that blood would be on her head. Words spoken to her mere days before filtered, ghostlike, through her ears.

"Caillte," she'd been called. Lost.

Karuka sighed, looking up at the cloudy sky through the broad leaves of the trees. She was tired despite having done terribly little; the day had been trying and had forced her into more introspection than was her wont. Setting down her pack, she decided to make camp there. She couldn't see the battle ground anymore, and the smell of death permeating the air in the nearby clearing hadn't touched the silent copse in which she stood.

Making a little fire was the work of only a few minutes, and Karuka sat down to rest by it. Between her hands, she held a little red sphere that was hard as glass. It had always amazed her how warm it remained, despite the temperature outside, and she liked holding it, liked feeling the slightly bumpy texture between her palms. She had gotten it a long time before, more than two years, after fighting some brigands in Irrakam. Of course, she had nearly gotten herself killed that time, so she'd kept it not only as an oddity, but as a reminder of what happened when she acted too much out of idle curiosity. Of course, the reminder to be cautious didn't work when all of a sudden a man-eating ghoul decided to follow or drag her around.

"Caillte," she murmured, and then she slumped. "Is daonnan caillte." The thought was bitter, mouthing the words tasted like defeat. Acknowledging that she was lost forever left her with nowhere to turn, no path to take. Traveling with Seth was a death sentence...but a death sentence after a miserable, and hopefully long life.

For the first time ever, her hands slipped while she was handling her little orb, and before she could snatch it back it had rolled right into the fire. She reached for a stick to roll it out, but there was a series of popping sounds, and fine cracks appeared on the little red ball. Fine cracks turned to big cracks, and with a violent flare, the sphere burst.

Karuka fell backward, shielding her face from the intense heat of the blast that roiled over her. She recovered quickly, bolting up to see what had happened. In place of her fire was a mound of ash, and in place of her sphere was...a baby bird covered in red and gold fluff. It was small enough to fit in the palm of her hand, and looked at her with brilliant blue eyes. Without thinking, she reached down and grabbed it from the hot ash, dusting off the warm little body.

"So...you were really an egg." An egg that needed exposure to fire. She stroked the little fluffball. "Hallo, little Fallien fire bird. I wonder what you eat."

Translation of the Gaelic: Caillte = lost, Is daonnan caillte = I am lost forever.

[Dissinger]

"Let’s hope it's not ghouls, or this will be perhaps the quickest turn of the karmic wheel I've ever seen."

The ghoul walked into the light of the fire, beads of sweat from fear slowly falling as he sat heavily upon the log. His face was gratefully clean of blood, offering no remembrance of the ghouls eating habits. His eyes were hidden under the wide brim of his hat, even as he hunched slightly, hiding his face. He couldn't look her in the eyes, not again after trying to kill her twice in as many days.

His voice was soft, frazzled in the way that few people could appreciate. It was a time worn tone, one that spoke of wanting to get things over with, and returning to sleep. He didn't chuckle or even smile after the joke, more of an irony that had to be spoken, to break the tension, despite his desires to not have such a tension in the first place.

"I'll have to figure it out. Probably some sort of meat." She cradled the baby phoenix carefully in the palm of her hand, as though afraid she might harm it with one wrong move.

The ghoul nodded thoughtfully before he spoke, "I don't know why this had to happen to us; I'd rather not burden you with my presence. I know it would be better for you and me both, but fate seems to have tied us together."

"Fate...I'm not sure if such a thing even really exists." A fingertip stroked delicate red down, and Karuka looked up at Seth for a moment, and then cast her blue eyes back to the smoldering embers from which the little bird had sprung. Her mind drifted back to the harsh truths she'd been told only a few days before. "Caillte...nae..." She needed to figure herself out, and she couldn't do that in Corone. In fact...there was only one place in all of Althanas that she could. "I don't know how to get you what you want or need...but whatever else happens after, we're going to Dheathain next."

He nodded for a second before he spoke, "Fair enough, I dragged you here so your turn to drag me somewhere. I figure eventually we'll get lucky, I might find something those idiots stole from me..."

Despite what he had known of the girl, she seemed only to nod mutely. Her demeanor was more introverted than he had ever seen the girl, and he was more than certain she was dealing with her own demons. It was hard for the Lavinian Demon to fathom just what demons the girl had to be ashamed of, but he knew better than to ask. That was a personal problem, not something for a ghoul to worry over till it became relevant.

[Karuka]

After only a few minutes of life, the baby phoenix went to sleep. While it was getting into the afternoon, the sun was far from actually setting; the happenings of the day had merely been wearying. While Karuka had settled down and built a small fire, she'd more meant to gain a second wind than make camp.

Still carefully cradling the newborn bird, Karuka flipped her pack open, digging around under the stuff she'd acquired over the years, shoving the harder objects to one side and making a soft, cozy little nest for the chick with her old woolen cloak. It almost amazed her, how much more she possessed than she had when she'd first made her way to Althanas, but the heavy coin pouch that she tucked deep under the chick told her that if she wanted more, it was hers for the having.

After the little one was settled in, she arranged her other things to keep the weight even. Most of the stuff she'd held onto were oddities; a red dragon scale about as big as her hand, the little silver bell that had been cinched around her neck earlier on the same day she'd found the scale, a priest's ring, a small compass looking thing that Tura Preylor had given her to find Damon Kaosi on the day she'd failed to prevent him from destroying the universe. On her wrist she still wore the spiked bracelet that Molotov had given her after their defeat of a small Dheath gang, and around her neck was still the simple lodestone pendulum that was all she had of her mother. She couldn't even remember wearing the little jade necklace that Storm had given her, although that was still among her possessions.

At the very bottom, neglected, was the brittle bronze blade that was all she had left of the father that had deserted her and her mother, and when her fingers touched it, her hand recoiled. She blamed Atid for everything that had gone wrong in her life. It was his fault that Faylinn had been forced into a marriage with Calhoun, it was his fault that they had spent a decade in misery. It was his fault that she'd had nowhere to turn upon her mother's death, it was his fault she'd tried to get to India. It was his fault she was on Althanas. His fault that over and over again, she'd been in intense danger, that she'd almost been killed multiple times. She didn't even know why she still carried around that blade, since if she ever had the chance to confront the man, she would gladly spit in his eye.

The last thing she found in rearranging her belongings was a small pouch that clacked softly when she picked it up. She couldn't remember the feel of divining with them anymore, had forgotten what it was like to slide the cool tile out of its bag and glean priceless knowledge from it. For years, they had been her most faithful companions, her source of what little defense she could muster, the alternately comforting and cold grip of truth. But they had abandoned her more than two years before.

She opened the pouch for the first time in ages, smelled the musty air escape it after too long. She slipped her hand into the bag, grabbing a couple of the tiles that now gazed up at her with strangers' faces. She knew their names, she had selected Mann and Eohl, but they meant nothing to her. They should have; she'd known them with an intimacy she'd never been able to develop with another person.

Holding back a sigh, Karuka dropped the two runes back in with the other twenty three, closing the bag once more and setting it in with the other things. She stood, dusted off her worn vlince trousers, and picked up her bag, closing it gently and adjusting it on her shoulder and picking up her weapon. "Come on, Seth. I want to get back to Radasanth as fast as my own two feet can take me."

From Radasanth, she'd go to Dheathain. There were some ruins deep in Luthmor jungle that she had a connection to. Hopefully there she would be able to find her own path again.

She was tired of being lost.

Spoils request: The baby phoenix. I got the egg in this quest.

[Taviri Ambria]

If you tell her I was here, if you even breathe word I showed up today. I will hunt you down and I will make your death the most painful thing you could imagine. If you hurt her like that, I will make it my mission in life to make sure you will regret that decision.

What?

Imagine the pain she went through after my death, and imagine you giving her hope for rescuing me from undeath. If you tell her I was here, I will kill you.

~*~

Taviri was still in a daze as the two left the Cathedral. Seth's edict for Taviri to not tell his sister was the underlying problem. Then there was the girl's somber attitude as she saw just what she was traveling with. It seemed surreal in a sense, as if the gods themselves were seeking to test him. On one side he knew he shouldn't tell his sister just for the reason Seth told him. If he told Liliana Seth had been there, it would only serve to tear open the wound of his death.

If she found out her brother had hid the truth from her...

He wasn't sure what she would do frankly. In the time since Seth Dahlios' death in Revan, a story that he still hadn't gotten out of his sister, Liliana had fallen apart. It had taken her some time to return to any semblance of a normal life, and even then with the birth of Samantha, there was a muted sadness about the woman. She had come as an obligation to the Order, but any of the Paladins could see her heart wasn't in it. She wasn't a Seraph anymore.

Her heart was elsewhere, beating in the chest of a man who had single handedly rescued the day. The subsequent conflict with Amiya had served as an underline of the severity of the day, even with the defeat of the cult, there would be no peace. Already whispers had echoed through the group that the Demon Wars had begun anew. Only time would tell what would happen.

Looking at the wrapped blade at his side Taviri carefully picked it up. It was difficult as the blade had no sheath currently, but he knew one would be made. Angel Slayer would be kept, waiting for its owner to come claim it. If it was Amiya, the order could not stop her, even with Uriel's sanction. If it was someone else, the order could only hope they would break the curse of the wicked blade. Carefully attaching it to his traveling pack he sighed before he looked at her fallen form, they would go to Radasanth to patch up, before heading for Salvar, then straight to Berevar, and home.

His eyes graced his sister one last time before he carefully pulled his hat down, "This is the part, where it begins to go very badly."

Spoils:

Angel Slayer - A Titanium Sword, Angel Slayer has two unique properties. One, anyone killed by Angel Slayer may only be resurrected by the wielder of the Albion's Legacy. Two, Angel Slayer may kill any thing that is capable of experiencing death, including immortals, dieties, undead, or ordinary mortal life.

[Taskmienster]

{{ Due to the fact that I was offline and wasn't aware that you wanted little commentary, I went ahead and did a normal rubric. You can always contact me for questions and concerns as well. The numbers after a quote are the post they came from as well. I'll be adding in the exp/gp as soon as I post this and move to a different computer.}}

Thoughtless

Story

* Continuity * 5

Karuka

~ The first part of your first post is a bit of a run-on, though besides that it just seems like a really quick tale about the bell that was told as if it didn’t matter… like a sentence, really long, that was made for little else than a filler. If it has something important, give a little more about it and a reason for why you took the time to put it in the story, especially for the very opening.

Both of you did… alright. I had a lot of trouble figuring out what was going on with your background, and how you interacted with the other characters you introduced and wrote for, especially without any real form of background for them. Of course, I don’t want to imply you should go out and write every quest you’ve ever had in this… but more would have helped a lot. For the most part, I got a little of what was going on and could piece together what was going on for the most part.

* Setting * 5

Honestly, it was somewhat sad to see the lack of setting. I knew you were in a run-down cathedral, that you went to get a girl, and that it was near Concorida or so I assume. However, beyond that… there wasn’t a whole lot of setting to the entire thing. You used it somewhat through the thread, with the pews being thrown at the avatar, and Karuka commented on the mess when she entered at the end… I would have suggested that you threw in a lot more setting and made it feel more alive.

* Pacing* 7

It felt a little quick, but other than that it wasn’t bad.

Character

* Dialogue * 6

Dissinger

~ In the 15th post you have a bit of dialogue while attacking the demon that seemed out of place. Not sure if it’s just Seth’s attitude or not that made it realistic for him to speak while in such an intense battle or not… I mean, the last time we wrote against each other he always seemed a bit cocksure, and that would be fine. But, I mean, for someone who doesn’t know Seth that’s reading this for the first time, or someone that’s seen something in the past but without knowing too much… you seemed to not come off with enough actual persona in order to understand if that was dialogue that was out of place, or if that was something that would have been in character and perfect without emphasis on his character. That could be easily accomplished by either explaining beforehand about how he acts, and why he says what he does, or even putting the reasoning behind the speech directly after it is said.

* Action * 6

Giant demon, an Avatar… neither of which really made any sense to me for some reason. It was a little fast paced, but it was at least clear. I would suggest that either of you make it flow a little better, pull in the use of the setting, and make it so much more interesting with a good bit of advanced technique and it would all have come out better.

* Persona * 6

Karuka

~ “An unrepentant evil deserved no mercy; she would speak with Seth when it was over.” [18] ~ Not to pick on you, but the way it was worded, it seems that this is just a lackluster way to tell me something about how she acts/feels, but at the same time is somewhat strange in the way it was worded. You go from saying how his actions were evil, and then you’d just “talk” to him? I would think something more stern would be more realistic, though I suggest that you could probably do something as little as add a bit more to explain some emotional feeling regarding how she felt as well.

Karuka

~ What is the Queen of the Iceni? None of this was really well explained, so it was hard to follow and in turn made the first post really confusing.

Writing Style

* Technique * 6

Dissinger

~ “The distant sound of water dripping could be heard, ever a reminder of just how underground they were.” [1] ~ You used ‘underground’ the sentence prior. I’d suggest throwing in a different word to make it so that you don’t sound like your repeating yourself so much. It happened a couple times, but the other ones weren’t so major.

~ “Sarah sighed before she moved to the dresser. Opening it she picked up a box and sighed.” [1] ~ Sigh, move, pick up box, sigh. You don’t need to sigh so much, haha. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but at the same time I don’t think it’s necessary to put in ‘sigh’ so much.

~ I noticed that you have a much better writing style with Taviri instead of Dissinger, not sure what the difference is when you write the character, but it’s pronounced enough to notice it. I see a lot of strength and writing experience in the most common of ways in regards to your writing with Taviri. But with Diss, you seem to lack that same spark that you used to have, as well as what you express with Taviri. I believe it’s a mix of higher diction, as well as the way you phrase the sentences and drive through your writing with something a bit more engaging as far as the style of writing goes.

Karuka

~ For as much as I’ve seen you write, and as many things as I’ve not only written with you but also read on my own for the mere sake of pleasure reading… this is one of the most lackluster things I’ve seen you post in a very long time, if ever. There wasn’t a lot of feeling in the posts, there wasn’t anything especially alluring or inspiring, and it felt as if you were posting more to just force your way through a slump than anything. Perhaps that is the case, in which case I understand because I’ve done the same, but at the same time it’s a shame to see such talent not shine through with your posts.

* Mechanics * 6

Dissinger

~ “When Seth finally appeared above ground ebony and Ivory had taken their traditional place upon his hips.” [3] ~ There should be a comma after ‘above ground’ in order to make the reader pause at the correct time, as well as alleviate the winded feel to the sentence as a whole. There were multiple placed where this happened, not sure if you want more examples of them, or all the times it happened. I’ll undoubtedly add more as I go, since that’s my nature as a judge, but probably won’t catch all of them or will just not put all of them up.

~ “At he pulled himself up he dusted off his clothes before he said…” [9] ~ I know this is a Taviri post, but since it’s the same writer I’m going to specify that it’s Taviri and put it in the same writer’s area. This should be “As” instead of “At”.

~ “He then looked over at Karu then the cat before he muttered,” [11] ~ After Karu there should be a comma. It would also flow better if you read over it and just took out a couple words too. For example: “He [] looked [] at Karu[,] then [at] the cat before he muttered…”

~ “Before it could complete the swing chains of another type joined the first in wrapping about the demon’s wrists.” [13] ~ You should have a comma between “swing” and “chains”.

~ “Come one and fight me you overgrown mongrel!” [13] ~ “Come [out]”, used the wrong word, nothing big and it was the first time I noticed.

~ “Before the demon could even raise an arm in objection he had barreled through the doors and stumbled into a sprawl just beyond the vestibule of the cathedral.” [13] ~ You should have a comma between “objection” and “he”

~ “The fur was stained an pitch black were the dark ichor went…” [14] ~ “an” should be “a” since the word “pitch” doesn’t start with a vowel.

~ “It swung an arm low whipping the chain out at the intruders attempting to take out the nuisances in one solid blow.” [14] ~ The sentence should be: “It swung and arm low[,] whipping the chain…” Just another mistake in comma use. The way it stands now you can read it like you had an “arm low whipping”, and that doesn’t even make sense. Lol.

Karuka

~ “Her eyes went unfocused as she mused, and suddenly a sharp, throbbing pain lanced through her head, and she curled up, tumbling to the ground as she clutched it, caught in a vision.” [2] ~ This is a long run-on. Though grammatically correct, it seems that it was not only something that could have been easily broken up but something that could have been more clear as well. What is “it” in the context you used it? Things like that would have helped a lot.

* Clarity * 6

Dissinger

~ “only to the knife come to a stop pointed right at him to interrupt his forthcoming explanation.” [1] ~ Read this out loud when you read over and edit, and you’d see what I did. This sentence was just really hard to read. Other than that, there are a lot of places where the lack of comma’s made it rather difficult to follow at times and forced me to go over it a couple times.

~ “Soon he was hanging in front of the demon before he yanked hard, and brought the demon to the ground in a cloud of dust as the forward pull of the demon to bring its arm ever farther between its legs forced it to the floor.” [14] ~ This sentence, if you read it out loud, is quite hard to think of how it works. I don’t really know how to explain it, just that it seems out of place and wrong in general. I mean, I think the part that throw me off the most is this: “…and brought the demon to the ground in a cloud of dust as the forward pull of the demon to bring its arm ever farther…” Personally I think it could have been better if you wrote it something more like this, just a suggestion from the same point I just started at: “, [bringing] the demon to the ground in a cloud of dust[.] The forward pull [against] the demon [brought] its arm [even further] between its legs[, forcing] it to the floor.”

Wild Card 7

Karuka ~ “She, however, was Irish. She made sense.” [10] ~ Awesome, haha. Though it’s not exactly true, being of Irish heritage makes this funny and kick ass.

Karuka ~ “"Pog mo thoin!" “ [12] ~ Heh, a saying that my ex… an Irish girl who loved the celtic language… always said as a joke. Hah, threw me off and made me laugh. But whatev.


Score 54

Rewards

Dissinger: 3375 exp | 250 gold

Karuka: 2670 exp| 200 gold

Taviri: 1000 exp | 200 gold

[Taskmienster]

Exp and Gp added!

Karuka is now level 9!

Taviri is now level 2!