Can you catch the rain...

[Reine]

By the Gods she wanted him so bad. She wanted to feel him in her, pounding in her. Bringing her to that brink; that one perfect moment in time where it lay suspended and every little nerve in her body came to life. She wanted that from him more than she’d wanted it from anyone else. It scared her. It excited her. It burned her so strongly she didn’t know what to do other than beg for him to keep going, to never stop. She wanted to feel his hands all over her, his tongue licking, teasing and giving her that release over and over again until she couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted to feel everything, but most of all she just wanted to feel him.

Then, something happened. Breathlessly she waited for that moment when he pushed into her, wondering if he would be gentle or rough, wondering if he’d take it slow or fuck her like she wanted him to. The tip of him had barely entered her, spreading her open for the rest. Then it had stopped. He never pushed into her, never filled that ache inside of her. He pulled back. He called her something, and let her go. That familiar word he had spoken. Had he just called her Amalia? No, she had to be mistaken. Eric would never do something like that. Lying there rather breathlessly, Faelynn replayed the sentence and the moment, balling her hands into fists as she thought of how close they’d been and then... yes, he had called her Amalia. He had called her by the name of his dead fiancé.

Her fingers wrapped themselves in the tussled sheet covering her beg and tangled all about her body. They dug into the soft material, wishing to rip it apart, like she wanted to rip him apart. How could he do something like that? How could he just, oh, he was disgusting!

Faelynn sat up, barely caring about her nudity. Her eyes had grown a darker shade of green, reflecting the anger and the pain that lay behind them. She had offered herself to him, she had been about to give herself to him physically and he had mistaken her for his dead fiancé!? What kind of sick, twisted man was he?

“Oh, you son of a bitch! I can’t believe you just...”

She fisted her hands together so hard she could feel her nails digging into the flesh of her palm through the sheet. The pain helped stop her from pounding his face into the wall a few feet away from him. She felt disgusting. She felt dirty. She wanted him out of her room, she wanted him away from her, now!

She pushed herself off the bed. Her skirt pooled down around her legs, immediately covering that most private part of herself. In a single jerky move she grabbed her shirt and forced the straps back up, covering her breasts from his gaze. He still stood naked a mere foot or two away from her, but she could personally care less about him. She hoped a horse and cart ran him over, or the next thief in this city slit his throat and took him for everything he was worth, which in her mind was not much.

“Get out...” The words came out in a choked whisper, but force lay behind them. Force and barely contained rage.

“W-what?”

“I said get out!” She screamed the words at him. She couldn’t bare the sight of him right now.

Reaching down, she grabbed his shirt, his chainmail, she grabbed anything of his that could fit in her two small hands and she threw them at his chest. He haphazardly caught them, the chainmail falling to the floor in a crash and shimmer of tiny little links of metal colliding with wood and each other.

“Faelynn—”

“Don’t you dare think you can call my name.” She spat the words at him.

Her face now reddened with her own anger. With her bare feet slapping against the wooden floor, Faelynn marched over to her bag. Her fingers fumbled with the clasps, her body shaking and making it difficult to undo the straps. Finally, she got them free and reached inside calling for the dagger she had stolen from Eric. The cold feel of the hilt landed in her hot palm and she closed her fingers around it, pulling it from the bag.

“Take your dagger and get out! You disgust me!”

She had very little experience with daggers, but at this point she didn’t care. She threw the thing at him. It was probably his luck she’d never been good at throwing daggers, especially larger ones as heavy as that. It impacted the floor at his feet with a sickening thunk. She almost wished it had hit him instead, almost. Turning her back on him, she walked into the bathroom and slammed the door behind her. She felt so gross. She could still feel him all over her body. If only she could rip her skin off. In a furry of movement, she ripped her clothes from her body and then walked over to the tub. She wanted him off her. She wanted the feeling of him off her skin. Turning the taps, Faelynn began to run herself a very, very hot bath. In the other room, she heard heavy steps. They came towards the door to the bathroom and stopped. She stopped. With her heart thudding like a drum in her chest she sank to the floor of the bathroom. Ice cold tile met her bare legs, causing a series of goose pimples to break out across her skin. The seconds ticked by. He said nothing. Then she heard him turn and walk away.
Fae didn’t move until she heard the door to her room slam shut, then she slipped into water so hot her skin turned bright red.


------------------------

SPOILS:

Steel Bangles: (they’re mentioned in the quest as prevalida because that’s what I requested them at. However, in the sequel to this, they were turned down and made into steel. I’m not going through every post and editing it, especially since I can’t edit Lord A’s posts) The Steel bracers have a somewhat defective but beneficial enchantment upon them. They are symbiotic and will only work on Faelynn’s command. When she activates them through a mere thought (or sometimes emotional distress) they cause her body to lose much of its substance, turning into a sort of liquid though still retaining her form. This can only last for up to 30 seconds at the enchantments current state and she can still be injured, though by blunt attacks and not by slashing or piercing attacks.

Faelynn also loses the dagger stolen from Eric, who subsequently gains it back. Eric also bought armour during the quest, I’m sure he’d like that as a spoil since he’s currently not around to request it himself.

[Breaker]

Can you catch the rain…
Quest Judgment

I really enjoyed reading this, and I’m disappointed Lord A isn’t around to finish it. If I were you I’d have waited and finished this thing properly, but since you submitted it, here’s the judgment.

STORY

Continuity ~ 4/10. You lost a couple points here because of the sudden ending. Reine still did a good job of tying things up, but the story is certainly incomplete. Otherwise, you both did a good job of relating the characters’ history together, and I liked Lord A’s reflection on his past. Reine, you could have given more about Fae’s brother, the Cult of Mitra, maybe analyze why she became a thief. You touched on some of these thigns, but could have done better.

Setting ~ 6.5/10. Quite consistently well depicted. There were a few minor inconsistencies and places it would have been beneficial to write a little more or a little less. Overall this score would have been a 7 except for the fight scene in post #4. While it was a very cool battle which I enjoyed reading… they were knocking things over, yelling, smashing against the walls, and NO ONE on the other side of the door seemed to notice. If you just forgot, then the lesson for next time is to always remember the context of your setting, and how the actions affect it. If the room was soundproof, you should have mentioned that.

Pacing ~ 7/10. The lengthy posts slowed me down a little at times, but overall this thread moved at a decent clip and kept me interested. Unfortunately, my interest also worked against you as I wanted you to finish this thread properly, damn it.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 6/10. Lord A, your dialogue was excellent. Reine, yours was decent, but you could take a lesson from Lord A. The main difference is the fact that he surrounds his dialogue with body language, justification, emotions, and descriptions. Your dialogue on the other hand was mostly just plain dialogue. Remember, how a character says something can be just as important as what they say.

Action ~ 8/10. You both did a very good job of using actions to bring your characters to life, and the combat was well written. Keep evolving in this fashion and soon I’ll be your biggest fan.

Persona ~ 7.5/10. I had this at 8, because both of your main characters were very strong and well defined. However, I felt that some of the NPCs came off a little simplistic (while others were well written). Lord A in particular, I really enjoyed Eric’s development as an uptight noble learning to let it hang out, so to speak. Reine, you started a little slow but picked up in the latter half of the thread, showing a strong female persona who went after what she wanted without really knowing what it was.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 7/10. You both displayed some impressive work with metaphor and simile. Keep it up, and look into using some more complex imagery like personification.

Mechanics ~ 8/10. I caught at most two or three errors per post. Some typos and silly mistakes, and a bit of grammar stuff. Overall well done.

Clarity ~ 7/10.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 7/10. I enjoyed the story, enjoyed the characters, and enjoyed your writing styles. I’d be happy to write alongside either or both of you sometime, keep up the good work.

TOTAL ~ 70/100. Highest score I’ve given in awhile, and you deserve it. Feel free to PM/IM me if you have questions/concerns about the judgement.

Reine receives 1292 EXP and the Steel Bangles. The ability is approved, however, it may only be used in quests (not battles) until your next profile update, at which point its details will be subject to RoG mod approval. Also, I deducted your gold to make up for this.

Lord Anglekos receives 800 EXP and 74 GP.

I can't quite justify giving him mythril chainmail for 5 posts. But if you ever make the sequel to this, request me for judgement and as long as that thread is up to par with this one, he'll get it.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.