Veteran Bracket: Dissinger vs. Amaril Torrun

[Dissinger]

"If there's one thing in this world I loathe more than myself, it’s a coward," The words hung in the air with a bitter hostility, even as he spat upon the ground upon saying the filthy word. His eyes burned with a rage that made them almost look human, even as he looked upon the draconian with his sword drawn.

His feet planted on the ground he spoke, "Your friends aren't dead, but they may very well be, because you abandoned them. Far be it from me to preach ethics in a fight, but even that rates high on the list of things never to do in a fight..."

He continued to stand between the man's salvation, as he glowered down on him, watching, waiting for the futile attack. His hand gently twitched, longing to crush the coward's throat, but he held out for a bit longer. He had a special punishment planned for this man. He wouldn't let him go without a fight, not when he clearly had the man on the ropes.

"See, even when I kill, I look the dead or dying in the face when I do so. I don't pick on the weak, or even the young, I take the strong head on. Perhaps my tactics are dirty, but in a war there is no honor on the field of battle. You on the other hand, committed the most despicable act ever; you fled, and left your friends to die. You didn't even stop and wait to see if they died, you left them as a sacrifice," The demon rumbled across the clearing. His words full of venom.

"I have to eat flesh as a punishment for what I did in life. A punishment I earned and accepted. You, on the other hand, won't see your punishment for awhile yet. You won't die, because you struggled only to save your own skin, and damn the consequences..." At that he held his hand out to the side, the chains on his arms eerily clinking against one another before the sadistic grin lit it up once more, "Today, I'm those consequences...if you survive this, I'll let you go. Penance for your sins?"

The purple energy began to form a vortex around the outstretched hand, even as his hair moved wildly in reaction to the magicks. Energy arced and coursed up and down his arm, before it coalesced into an orb, no larger than his fist. As he gripped the orb tightly he grinned before he moved forward, and in a surprise move went to punch the orb, right into the gut of his victim.

"Let’s see what you got hiding in your closet!"

[Amaril Torrun]

He didn’t kill them.

It was a foreign concept. The demon had emanated of evil, had killed without mercy, and had even enjoyed it. Now, Seth Dahlios felt the need to be the half-dragon’s judge. Amaril had fought for good at every opportunity throughout his life. He had thrown himself in harm’s way to save his friends. He had been selfless. Now he stood before a murderer who was perfectly content with what he had become. A demon, cursed to cannibalize his victims for all his existence, now demanded justice. It wasn’t plausible. Such evil wasn’t capable of noble insight, but there it stood, staring Amaril straight in the face.

Seth is right.

He barely heard the demon’s threat to punish him for his desertion. He didn’t hear the promise to let him live. The guilt muffled his ears and blinded him, his sword falling to the soft earth below. He vaguely noticed the sheer energy before it crashed into his chest.

His clogged senses and ignorance to the surrounding area were instantly wiped away. His memories of his recent past flooded him with excruciating clarity. His murder of an innocent creature on the grasslands outside of Talmhaidh for the sake of greed tore at him. The vivid images of butchering the animal to earn his precious prevalida daggers burned into him. He backed out of the memory, stumbling as he found himself back in the swamp. He felt an odd sensation of burning, followed quickly by a chill. He looked down to see a deep gash in a jagged diagonal line across his chest. He had felt the pain during his memory, but at the moment he was just shocked.

In the seconds it took him to realize his wound, he was sucked back into his mind. He saw the three Draconians and himself at the beginning of their hunt. He saw the eagerness of his own face. He remembered the longing for battle. Another tearing pain came from his left arm. It was quicker, less deep than the first. Amaril began to understand what was happening to him. He tried to look up at the demon, but was immediately sucked into his conscience for a third time.

It was the greatest sin. He saw his crumpled companions, scared and at the demon’s mercy. He saw the perfectly intact figure of his own body, stepping backwards in the background, hoping not to be seen. He was leaving the Draconians to their deaths. He had called himself a coward as he fled, but he had been wrong. No. He was more than a coward. His desertion made him liable for Rayane’s and Elereth’s deaths. He felt an explosion of pain on his chest again, but the memory wasn’t over. Seth Dahlios was an evil creature, but there was an even greater evil in Fiorair that day. The demon had dealt the blows. He had murdered Daedan. But there was an even greater sin than murder. Sacrifice. Seth’s words. He had been right.

The pain shattered every fiber of feeling his body could contain before the half-dragon’s body crumpled to the ground. He had been screaming. There were more Draconians coming from the city, hoping to save the owner of the screams. They were too late. The greatest sin had skipped his outer skin, cutting directly into his heart.

Somewhere within the city, a dragon child cried out for his fallen savior.

~~~~~

Amaril received no rest. His wounds were still fresh in his mind, but looking down, he was whole.

“How…?”

He looked ahead, but all he saw was an endless plain. No mountains, hills, or forests loomed beyond. The sky was a perfect blue, without a single hint of a cloud. No breeze tousled his mane of hair, and no scent of prairie grass softly entered his nostrils. He saw the surroundings, but couldn’t feel them. Slowly he turned, feeling sore where he had been cut. His newly beating heart stopped. A Draconian woman stood several feet away, a spear in her hand and pointed at his throat. Cold, businesslike, there was no anger or violence in her face. Amaril didn’t need her to speak to know what was going on, but she didn’t care about his needs.

“Greetings, Amaril Torrun, coward and deserter of your brethren. Welcome to Seacht Riocht Sainmhiniu, the beginning of your afterlife."

For anyone that may have interest in Amaril's story, he really is dead, outside the reach of any magical monks, but this isn't a retirement of the character in any way.

[Dissinger]

"I love how when the history books record this incident, I'll be the evil one..."

A derisive snort filtered through the air as a chain clad hand gripped the waistband of the dead half dragon's pants. With a grunt he shifted the weight to his shoulder, and then moved to the dead body of the other draconian. He grabbed that one as well, and hefted it over a shoulder, before he moved into the swamps, heading ever deeper.

The guards began to follow him, forcing the ghoul to speed up. An idea triggered in his mind as he raced for the fallen Draconians. He wasn't interested in eating all four of them, and really the two he had would give him enough flesh to last him another week. Moving swift enough to stay ahead, yet slow enough to stay within sight, he saw arrows fire away at the Ghoul. A dark chuckle left his lips as he continued the game, running them right by the Rayane and his fellow guard.

In the confusion of seeing only half the party dead, the Demon had retreated deep within the forest, before he began the grisly work of stripping the bodies. This was the part he hated the most, seeing the keepsakes, the mementos, the good luck charms. The remaining parts of his humanity were quickly sickened by the display of his victim's lives, and he would often just throw the trinkets away into the marshes, hoping to never see them again.

"I wonder how Samantha is doing?" He mused softly to himself. He often did, it helped quietly take his mind off the fact he was eating sentient beings, and fueling his undead hunger for flesh. It kept him from obsessing over the fact he was a monster in both name and action. Really, it was a farce; he surely couldn't hope to evade the thoughts lurking deep within him.

Really, ever since the incident in Concordia Forest, Seth worried about his family. The brief sighting of Liliana and the fight with his tormentor weighed heavily on himself. Furthered by the fact that he was unable to just stay with them for the fact he was a ghoul and it was depressing at times. Still, he was happy enough that he had managed to retain some semblance of humanity, even if his undeath reared its ugly head from time to time.

Hours later he had finally managed to pick the carcasses clean before he dumped the bones somewhere were they could be found. Not that he cared enough to give loved ones a chance at resurrection. Really, it was that he had a set hunting ground, and the bones were left outside it to hide where he would and wouldn't go. It allowed him some freedom, and a chance at avoiding detection. Though, he was more than certain it would only be a matter of time.

Looking down at the bones of the man called Amaril he sneered softly and said, "Your death was too swift. I was too nice to you; may you get the coward's hell..."

He then spat upon the bones, hitting the skull right near the eyes before he turned and left to hide and wait until his hunger took him again

Any edits made after the time stamp on this post were approved.

[Saxon]

I want to start off by saying that I was very impressed with the way you two both planned and executed this battle. It's one of the very few times I've seen a collaborated effort in a battle inside of a tournament that not only works outside the confines of the arena fundamentally, but has an actual plot and story that both of you are working towards. I really enjoyed it, and I remain hopeful that battles like these will inspire others to try and think outside the box and to continue to push the envelope in what it means to fight in a tournament.

You will be receiving high marks in continuity for this, but I will also be throwing both of you points in the wild card for the exemplary effort put into the battle. Nice job.

Now, let's begin the unpleasant task of determining the winner.

Dissinger

Story

Continuity - 8 - Your collaboration with Amaril on this battle really made it shine, I think. I really liked the concept of the hunting party traversing the swamps and into your hunting grounds in an attempt to slay the beast and save the city of Suthainn. You played the part of the villain fairly well, going into detail of how Seth is a demon doomed to consume the flesh of those he is killed in order to sate his hunger. As much as I would've liked to have more information on how your character became who he is and further into the nature of his curse, I realized that this was for the best.

Evil often doesn't have lengthy explanations of it's character and the terrible scars that mar it's values and morality that make it who it is. Seth Dahilos in this thread is more or less the same way. While there were some other things you could've done to help smooth out that image, the background and details you provided concerning Seth's debilitating condition was more than enough to form the foundation for a proper villain which played a key role in the story.

Setting - 5 - While you didn't go into great detail of your surroundings, you made good use of the environment around you and described what was in your immediate vicinity. But, there wasn't much more to it then that and I really wanted to see more out of this. I would suggest when writing dialogue that you play with the idea of incorporating some of your descriptions of the area in it. What Seth sees, smells, hears, and tastes can all factor into a good setting if you make good use of his senses and how you choose to use them to establish a setting.

Try it.

Pacing - 7 - Your pacing in this thread was above average. You made good use of creating suspense when you began the chase of Amaril and eventually tore his wing off, but I'm not sure whether that was your doing or his since your entrance at the end of the chase was in one of his posts. You also did a good job of building up the momentum of action within the fight that it was very hard for me to put this thread down.

Character

Dialogue - 4 - This was by far your weakest area, Pat. While I was adamant at the beginning of this thread to write down and list all of the cliche', cheesy lines you chose to use within your first three or four posts for you to see, I changed my mind. While it was really a roll of the dice at first, you eventually hit your stride towards the end of the battle with some of the dialogue Seth spoke. I don't know if it was a switch that flipped or not, but it definitely saved you from a far lower score then this one.

What I want to make sure you remember is that dialogue isn't meant to happen just so you can put filler in your posts. If you have information you need to fit into a post, you wish to describe your surroundings or you are communicating with other characters then it is often a good idea to try and throw in some dialogue. Otherwise, stick to narration and inflection. Honestly, I would've given you more points in dialogue if you would've said less and focused more on cultivating your presence as a villain and the story at hand.

I'm not even sure at this point what kind of villain you thought you were trying to portray, but I really recommend resisting the urge to write one-liners because they are really the thing that tanked your score here. Seth doesn't need to fill the air with pointless dialogue at the beginning and end of every post, especially in a fight. Avoid that and the long-winded speeches when you're going to have Seth maul some face and you should see your dialogue score move up a couple points.

To sum it up: Say less, show more.

Action - 6 - Your action and use of pacing was a lethal combination here. You made use of Seth in more ways inside of the fight then I had expected with the use of the chains and the slaying of the hunting party, but you never really overdid it. Violence was never gratuituous and nothing really seemed excessive or unneeded in the things you chose to do, but I felt as if you could've supplied more to the fight. First being that Seth needs to get hurt. I know that you wounded him a couple times and strategically tried to keep him from getting too hurt that he'd have to regenerate, but it really detracted from the action. Seth isn't invincible, and while he did play the villain you could've illustrated your points and your presence better if you had worked more on what was done with your character rather then the people sent to kill him.

I also want to say that if you have a character who is capable of regeneration then make good use of it as a prop. While not all the wounds Seth suffers he should recover from, you could've really made him a more imposing figure by showing him as a demon that not only could be hurt, but could endure it. Your level gives you considerable breathing room in terms of the survival of your character in a battle, but I also think it would also speak volumes more for you if you had played more on your weaknesses instead of focusing on the futility of their attempts to bring you down throughout the thread.

Persona - 5.5 - Your character is full of contradictions. While normally this would be a bad thing, Seth Dahilos is a man who may have once been good at one time but is doomed with a carnal curse that strips away shreds of his humanity every time he feasts upon the flesh of his victims. What really boosted your score was not only how you shed some light upon the remaining splinters of Seth as a man, and the way you tried to play both parts of him against himself. I especially enjoyed at the end of the thread when you went about having Seth collect the bodies and described his methods for following the tenants of his carnal hunger almost as if it were a ritual. Very impressive.

However, not everything was all flesh-eating and macabre goodness. I question the need for you to always have Seth grinning and laughing like some kind of batman villain within the story, because more then anything you made him into some sort of dysfunctional sociopath. If that was what you were shooting for, you nailed it. Work on using different emotions besides malice, anger, and cynicism to display a villain because whether you or the reader knows it or not, even condemned men exhibit emotions such as saddness, joy, or exuberance. It could've painted your character in better stripes and gave you more depth to explore his fractured character as the monster he has become.

Writing Style

Mechanics - 8 - You had a few spelling errors here and there, but nothing to write home about. I know from experience that spellcheck doesn't catch everything, but I can see you're making good use of proofreading your work before you ship it out. Keep up the good work.

Technique - 7 - I was really proud of the work you put into this, Pat. The use of Seth in this thread as some sort of villain colored by choices he had made and some that were forced upon him was fantastic and really raised this entire thread a couple notches because of it. It shows the mark of a talented writer. However, I am concerned that while you gain ground in plot, character, and action you're really beginning to leave your dialogue behind in the wayside. While you narrowly saved that part of your score with a couple key phrases, it also had a negative impact on this one.

I'd like to suggest trying to make use of techniques that you could apply to your dialogue to help supplement the rest of the story. Whether that be foreshadowing, the use of local color, or something that allows you to experiment with dialogue that affects the rest of your writing. I really advise you to try this because whether it works or not, you're going to learn from it and although nobody likes to make mistakes, every writer must learn from them if he wishes to improve and hone his craft. Whether that be for quality writing itself or better roleplaying.

Clarity - 7 - I rarely had trouble understanding what you were trying to convey. And while it was only one instance, it was one that completely smashed your score in this area. Let me show you;

"Not a day goes by that I am not reminded of how far I fell, thinking I could control this hunger within me. You two are the lucky, and if you work quickly, you might just save yourself. But your two partners, they are mine. I would suggest not moving him too much, his lung is probably punctured, and that’s why his breath is a wet gasp. If they both aren't punctured he'll survive when it dries in the lung, but he'll not be as swift as he once was. Pray that it’s only the one..."

. . .I would suggest not moving him too much, his lung is probably punctured, and that’s why his breath is a wet gasp. If they both aren't punctured he'll survive when it dries in the lung, but he'll not be as swift as he once was. Pray that it’s only the one..."

I actually stopped reading after that line I printed in bold and went to ask a friend if this were truly possible in a punctured lung case to double check my suspicions. I even went so far as to go consult a medical dictionary to try and explain how that wouldn't be the case, but I stopped halfway through when I realized that literally every character in this battle seems to have some form of regeneration, especially the Draconians making your explanation entirely plausible.

While the extent of my reaction wasn't your fault, the cause of it was. Remember that when you're attempting to illustrate an injury and an unnatural way of mending or resolving it, it is your burden to explain the method of the remedy, even briefly. The reason for this is that you're going against conventional wisdom, and not everybody keeps a running tally of what characters can and cannot do in a story, so it's really helpful to give them a reminder within the same paragraph to keep them from getting lost. If you would have done this and mentioned offhandedly his regeneration in some way when mentioning the punctured lung, you would've ended up with a perfect 10 in clarity. Better luck next time, eh?

Wild Card - 4 - I am giving you and Amaril both 4 points in the wild card portion of the score to reflect not only the effort put into this thread but the uniqueness of it. While I would've given different scores in wild card if I knew who originally proposed and cultivated this idea, I'm giving you both the same. It's a wash.

Total: 61.5/100

Amaril Torrun

Story

Continuity - 7.5 - Your collaboration with Dissinger for the story surrounding this battle was wonderful. I really liked your approach of using the hunting party of trying to hunt down Seth, your reasons behind it, and the way you attempted to play each member to make them more vibrant and to come to life. I didn't feel that any of the NPCs of this thread were used as props, and while you could've put up more of a fight and probably given Pat a run for his money, you didn't really disappoint. In fact, these NPCs helped add shades to Amaril's character and his inevitable approach to the battle which was both juicy and unconventional.

Setting - 5 - This was probably your weakest area in terms of skill, Amaril. While you provided all of the detail necessary to bring this setting to life, it feels almost as if you just scratched the surface. You didn't really go into too much detail with most of your explanations to help draw me into the story other then to lay the information out before me, some of it better phrased then others, and allowed me to pick and choose what I wanted to know. While that's an interesting take on developing a setting, I really suggest you try to appeal to the reader's senses or emotions when trying to establish the setting. They are both very powerful tools you can later use to control and release the tension experienced by readers as you dig deeper into the action part of the fight. While the method you chose allowed you to graze the surface by three inches, the method I suggested and others ones you could experiment with could allow you to go three feet deeper which could be a great opportunity to help draw the reader in. Work on it.

Pacing - 6 - Your use of pacing was decent, but I feel with a better use of setting you could've helped add more air to the suspense and tension I was supposed to feel during the more knee-jerk reactions of the thread. The action came and went as expected, and none of it seemed forced, almost to the point that I suspect you two must have secretly choregraphed this before writing it into a post.

I'd like to also mention that while Pat had a harder time playing on the emotions of Seth, you didn't have a problem showing Amaril's weaker side to help accomadate Pat's weakness to keep it from further detracting from the thread. Very nice.

Character

Dialogue - 6 - Your dialogue with Amaril, the Hunting Party, and even Seth stayed consistent throughout the entire thread. While I've seen better uses of dialogue, you really resisted the urge of writing dialogue that was unnecessary. And while you sometimes gave into that temptation, you didn't do it much. Other ways you can help support your dialogue is to use setting and action better to your advantage to help build the tension necessary to hold the reader and use the dialogue to either release or prolong that tension until you dig back into the action. Keep working on it and I'm sure you'll see some improvement.

Action - 5 - Your action was consistent throughout this thread and none of it seemed forced or unnecessary. Every punch, kick, slash, and reaction to Seth's systematic dismantling of your character seemed genuine and even understandable. But what really hurt your score in this area was that you often bordered on becoming too long-winded or flirted with the way you choose to use whatever pacing you built up for the action. I physically waved my hand in a circle during your climax when halfway through it because it just seemed too long for my tastes and a poor use of all of the suspense and tension you built up during the thread. While I understand the reasons you had for going about making your death in that post prolonged and drawn out to help better emphasize the circumstances, it just seemed you could've made better use of the situation to keep me from putting down this story down.

Persona - 8 - Amaril seems real, as well as the NPCs you used during the thread. All of them had their own emotions or takes on the situation at hand and you did well when trying to play off of them for the sake of the story. What you lacked in setting and action, you more then made up for in this area of your score with the way you went about trying to give these characters ground in the story. It takes a lot of practice to be able to master that technique with only one character, but you managed to do it with an entire party of people. The emotions seemed genuine and the reactions to the situation were completely understandable. I, however, feel that there are still some areas of developing the personalities of your characters that you need to work on before I feel comfortable with giving you a perfect 10 in Persona. So, instead, I gave you an 8.

Writing Style

Mechanics - 8.5 - I didn't really see any errors from you in this thread, but I do remember coming across the occasional spelling error that probably could've been caught with more vigorous proofreading. But as somebody whose often tried to go for the elusive perfect post in terms of grammar and spelling, I understand how frustrating it is to read something I wrote six or seven times and still ended up with a few errors after re-reading it a couple of weeks later. It's a process.

Technique - 6.5 - Throughout this thread I've seen the work of two talented writers, but I feel as if Pat had more to bring to the table in terms of technique then you did. His weakest area was by far dialogue, while the rest of his writing played off itself in setting, action, and persona that made him more memorable in this thread. I feel as if you've too many areas you need to improve upon from what I read in this thread to award you a really high score in technique. However, I didn't want to give you a low score and risk giving you the impression that I couldn't see your potential and talent, because I do. Work on smoothing out your use of pacing and action, and make better use of setting and I'm sure you should see this score go up a couple notches.

Clarity - 7.5 - I had no trouble understanding you or the things you did in this battle, so it ended up helping to pad your score. However, I think your climax towards the end of the thread was too long based on the pacing you tried to build up over the battle and you could've made much better use of it. Why does this reflect in your score in clarity, you ask? I found myself drifting in and out of that post so much that it brought all the momentum you were building up to a grinding halt. And there were other times I noticed this same incident earlier in the thread. While this wasn't a very big issue, I want to emphasize the importance of brevity and how it can serve you better with the manipulation of pacing. Try to say more with less and make better use of whatever pacing you've built up during the thread and it should lead you to a better climax and also a better score.

Wild Card - 4 - You and Dissinger did a fantastic job with the planning and execution of this thread, so I'm awarding you both equal points in the wild card for all the effort and hard work you put into this thread. Great job.

Total: 64/100

Dissinger: 61.5/100
Amaril: 64/100

Amaril Torrun wins, and by two and a half points! You will be moving onto the next round. Congratulations!

Amaril Torrun gains 4125 EXP and reaches level four. Nice Job!

Dissinger gains 1125 EXP. Better luck next time!

Both players will also be gaining 200 GP.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!

Amaril is now level 4!

Dissinger, you have too much exp, I want to borrow some.