Veteran Bracket Semi Finals: Christoph vs. Bloodrose

[Christoph]

What he said.

The sound of rending steel roared through the stadium as Teric’s sword struck home with furious force, hacking off Elijah’s leg at the knee. The challenger gave an agonized cry, springing backward with his remaining foot to avoid a vicious finishing strike. His sword slipped from his grip as he fell to the ground, blood pouring from the brutalized stump. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“The challenger is down!” bellowed the announcer. “The Grandmaster seems to have grasped victory from the fiery maw of defeat!”

I’m an arrogant fool, thought the Master, cursing as excruciating pain pulsed through him. In his blind desire to utterly best his opponent, he had willingly battled on the Grandmaster’s terms. He’d gotten so complacent in his prowess that he thought to defeat one of the world’s most legendary swordsmen at the point of a blade. Sarah was right; he’d rushed into it, too sure of himself. He’d lost the instant he clashed swords with Teric, and now he was paying for it. His life’s greatest achievement hung just out of reach.

“No,” he growled. Amid the smothering despair burned a vibrant spark of defiance. Even as he teetered on the brink of defeat, battered and bleeding with his strength diminished, Elijah’s fighting spirit endured. He hadn’t come this far to let victory slip from his grasp.

A curious murmur overtook the crowd as the challenger’s gauntlets began glowing red emanating rippling heat. With a scream that sounded more like a tormented wraith than a man, he pressed the scorching gauntlets into his bleeding stump, searing the wound closed. The spectators gasped, and Elijah struggled to his knees. An implacable expression plastered Teric’s face, fear, respect, or something else entirely, and the Grandmaster hesitated for but an instant before charging forward to finish the job.

With his focus broken, Elijah’s charms were swiftly unraveling, leaving him defenseless. Gritting his teeth, he held out his left fist and unleashed another kinetic blast from his ring. The ring had only partially recharged, so the blast lacked the same crushing force, but it struck his foe squarely in the torso and sent him staggering for a crucial instant. Like all acts of desperation, his needed only a moment.

With a ragged howl, he unleashed lethal primordial forces that predated even the Tap or the tamed arcane arts. Raw power erupted from his fingertips in a surge of fiery wrath that crashed against Teric like a tidal wave, smashing the Grandmaster into the dirt. Elijah’s scars glowed like lines of molten metal as he pressed his frantic offensive. Before Bloodrose could stand, a pillar of blue fire burst from the ground like a geyser, enveloping the old man in a savage inferno.

The sorcerer poured the last of his resolve and vitality into wielding the storm of wild magic, which rebelled against his control even as it consumed his foe. The savage conflagration contorted and thrashed, lashing out at the unprotected Master and spreading dangerously close to the stands. Gusts of sparks and embers assaulted the weakening challenger as he failed to keep the reins of his spell. Tendrils of flame lashed against him, mercilessly charring his blistered flesh. Scalding sand assaulted his eyes, scouring them from their bloody sockets. With a final blast, the voracious balefire shattered the chains of Elijah’s will, and his world fell into blackness.

Not a soul stirred in the stands as every eye watched and waited for the smoke to clear.

[Max Dirks]

This was a welcomed premise for a battle. I’m happy to finally see some activity surrounding the Pagoda. Unfortunately we’ve temporarily closed the pagoda due to inactivity, but when it reopens I’ll recommend that the winner of this battle becomes the grandmaster (if you’ll accept, of course). You both did a nice job of working together in this battle. It helped build the essentials of a story under our rubric and helped the pacing.

Christoph

Continuity 6/10- I would have liked to see the “monk” back story developed more.
Setting 6/10- See Bloodrose’s comment.
Pacing 7/10- You started well. Your initial encounter with Bloodrose was done well (and though compiled by him, I could tell mannerisms of Elijah were yours). The transition to the next day was seamless. Pacing suffered at the end however, when you tried to cram too much action into single posts. Try to avoid passive language. I suspect that the story broke a bit here because you were trying to bring the battle to conclusion within the time frame of the round.
Dialogue 8/10- Much was said, but it flowed well. Point to you.
Action 6/10- See the pacing comment.
Persona 7/10- I haven’t followed your character since the Gisela Open, so it was interesting to see how you developed him. Very nicely done.
Technique 6/10- You share a writing problem with me: pronouns. Sometimes I’ll catch myself referring to Dirks as “the former criminal” ten times in a post. While doing this may invariably give the reader insight to the character, it breaks the flow of the writing. You tend to prefer variations of “the former chef” in your writing.
Mechanics 7/10- I noticed only a few errors.
Clarity 6/10- Your writing started sloppy. You overused the comma, causing run-ons. This was only really prevalent in the first two posts. By the end you returned to top form.
Wild Card 5/10
Total 64/100

Bloodrose

Continuity 7/10- Though I would have liked to see the “monk” back story developed more, I still think you did a slightly better job of situating your character. His disdain for the Pagoda and its officials was made readily apparent.
Setting 6/10- Nice job of using the activity of the bar in your collaborative post (and because it was collaborative, I give equal credit to both of you). On the other hand, the arena was rather generic.
Pacing 7/10- See Christoph’s comment.
Dialogue 7/10
Action- 6/10- See Christoph’s comment again.
Persona 6/10- Teric’s distaste for “magic users” is well established by your writing, but I never get the impression why. If you would have only mentioned it briefly, I would have treated it as a just a reference to a character trait. However, you emphasized it and basically made it into a story element. At that point, I expect a better explanation.
Technique- 6/10 I like how you integrated thoughts with dialogue and sound with action. Christoph also did this particularly well, though it wasn’t quite as effective at building the scene as yours. However, your last paragraph in the battle (an anti-bunnying trick in conventional RP settings) where you said “if one looked carefully” was a pace breaking shift to a different narrative style.
Mechanics 7/10- You had a few missing words.
Clarity 8/10- I think that if there is one category that you truly excelled in, it is clarity. Your posts are all well written, your transitions are seamless and your integration of literary devices is fantastic (which also helps your technique score). Nice work.
Wild Card 5/10
Total 65/100

Bloodrose pulls off a close one and advances to the tournament semi-finals (Veteran Bracket finals)

Rewards: Christoph receives 1000 GP.

That dapper fellow Taskmeinster will calculate and add EXP accordingly.

[Taskmienster]

2750 exp for Bloodrose

825 exp for Christoph

Bloodrose is now level 9!