Supplies to be had.

[Khalxaen]

“Wait, Izvilvin, I don’t get what you’re trying to say…” Khalxaen said out loud as she raised her hands in panic, trying to tell him that she was confused. She couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell her, as he seemed to be saying random syllables, although maybe they would have meant something if Khalxaen could just speak his language. The demon’s head was throbbing as the stench of blood surrounded her, and she was concentrating on keeping her composure.

She blinked as her companion suddenly ducked, and an arrow came towards the place he had previously been. It missed him by just a couple of inches. Surprised, Khalxaen turned around to see a merchant aiming an arrow at her quickly. In a snap, it came towards her. She did the first thing that came to her mind: evade. The arrow’s sharp point hit her cheek, leaving a tiny trail of blood in the process. She heard it hit the tree behind her. Moving quickly, she started running towards the merchants, chanting a spell that emitted spikes of ice in the air, aimed towards the two. They weren’t fast to retaliate as one of them got hit, the spikes penetrating into his skin. The said merchant came lunging towards the ground.

The second one was able to evade, and he brought out a shot sword for close combat. He aimed for Khalxaen and she ducked to the right, striking her own sword towards him. He was able to duck a bit, but not enough, and the wound that emitted on his chest caused him to gasp for air.

Without thinking, Khalxaen stepped on the caravan and pushed the merchant aside, peeking inside the dark vehicle. She looked outside towards the Drow, inquiring on what to do next. “Drow boy, I suppose you can’t understand me right now, but what should we do?”

Get the items from this wagon probably, she though. And then do the same procedure for the next? By the time the last wagon came, they would probably have lost all stamina. They needed a better game plan, if ever.

[Izvilvin]

Khalxaen had dispatched the two merchants, so Izvilvin didn't waste any time in rejoining her at the wagon. She spoke to him, but he didn't pick up a single word of it. It was a question, he supposed, but he was too focused on the sound of rumbling in the distance. Likely the other wagons, having heard screams and sounds of battle from their comrades. The Drow wasn't willing to stick around to try and fight them all off, so he ran to the front of the caravan, slapped the butt of the wagon's horse and jumped on board.

He climbed to the back, where Khalxaen was, and came next to her to look out the back. Two wagons rounded the corner, coming from the woods, and another two followed them. The guards and merchants passed their dead companions and howled in rage. Merchants took aim and fired their arrows. Izvilvin ducked deep into the wagon, trying to drag Khal with him as he went.

Nobody was driving the wagon, he realized as he looked out front. The violent rocking of the caravan made it difficult for him to crawl forward to get a better look. Quickly he turned back to his companion, making desperate motions, as if he were holding the horse's reigns and directing it. He didn't know how to drive a carriage or wagon, but hoped Khalxaen did.

Because they were heading toward a cliff wall. Were they to crash into it at the speed they were going, they would undoubtably be killed. If by some miracle they survived, the humans following would finish the job. An arrow pierced the tarp and nearly hit him, something had to be done.

"*Bwael ap'zen," he told her, patting her shoulder and making his way out of the front of the wagon. Dangerously he climbed on top of the bouncing vehicle. An arrow came at him, then another, both of which missed. Gathering his resolve and his strength, Izvilvin broke into a run and leapt from the caravan, landing on top of the closest following one. He had to parry quickly as a guard slashed at his foot. His hand vibrated violently with with impact.

Luckily enough, the merchants on the other wagons were not ambitious enough to risk firing arrows at the Drow while he was among their allies, so they concentrated on raining the bolts down on the runaway wagon.

Izvilvin moved quickly, narrowly evading slashes as he looked for openings. A sword came for his neck, but the Drow stepped into the man slashing, grabbing his arm and prying the sword away with a quick twist. The man yelped in pain, and with a quick kick to the gut from the Drow, he was tumbling off the wagon to the ground below.

The elf leapt forward suddenly, throwing the sword with all the precision possible under the circumstances. Just as he'd hoped, the sword found home in the back of the horse pulling the caravan. As the creature fell in pain, Izvilvin jumped to the ground, tucking into a roll to absorb the impact. The wagon quickly fell over the horse and tumbled apart. Izvilvin hoped the goods weren't too damaged.

"**Alu xuileb uns'aa," Izvilvin said to himself. "Usstan orn tlu tenu."

The remaining caravans were coming fast. Izvilvin had nowhere to run. He certainly would not lie down and die, his life outside of Alerar had too many adventures left. There was too much to learn, to much to experience. He wanted to learn common, make a friend, kill Vordutin, and see his mother again.

No. Izvilvin would certainly not lie down and die.

*Good luck.
**Go without me. I will be alright.

[Khalxaen]

“My hell!” Khalxaen shrieked as she saw the cliff wall she was going to crash into right of the distance. The horse seemed to be in such a panic; as if it was going berserk—and it didn’t seem to help that it could hear another horse’s cries right behind them. Khalxaen blinked; just what was Izvilvin doing, jumping off a speeding wagon like that? He had told her something that she couldn’t understand, but it seemed to be encouraging her for something.

The demon had to do something, that gigantic cliff wall didn’t seem so amusing to be crashed upon. She did have knowledge of controlling horses, although as vague as they could get. Looking back, she could see a distant scene of Izvilvin being sent to the ground, and the wagon nearby being sent tumbling to the ground.

Khalxaen raced to the horse’s reins and tried to pull on them as hard as she could to get it to halt, but it was still panicked. A lot of things frightened horses, to Khalxaen’s memory, and it wasn’t that easy to calm it back down unless it knew you. The cliff was coming closer, and trying the horse to get to like her wasn’t working. I hope this doesn’t hurt too much… She climbed unto the horse’s back, gulping as she saw the speed it was going. It didn’t seem to like having someone it didn’t know on it’s back as it went faster.

The cliff was coming closer, and Khalxaen pulled as hard as she could to get the horse to steer right just as she was a few feet away from the cliff. The horse rapidly turned around, but the wagon’s weight was pulling them backwards as it tumbled side wards and was about to crash towards the cliff. Khalxaen cut the ties between the wagon and the horse so they wouldn’t be sent with the impact. Some splinters and wooden blocks from the wagon hit the horse’s back, causing it to be frightened again. Khalxaen could understand as the same things hit her back.

The horse still wouldn’t stay put even when Khalxaen was pulling on its reigns. She leaned down and stroked it’s back, making “ssh” noises. After awhile, it calmed down and gradually followed her whim. Khalxaen looked at the wagon and sighed at it’s crash remnants, though it wasn’t as terrible as she thought. Even though it wasn’t much, she was able to prevent from crashing full-force when she took hold of the horse.

I’ll check it later, I want to find out if Izvilvin’s okay first. She jumped off of the horse, not wanting to bring it along since she had a feeling it might go berserk again. She did tie it’s reigns by a nearby tree, in case they needed it later on. The demon ran towards the direction Izvilvin was left. It took her awhile to find him, and she noticed that it was just he against three wagons.

Not that she was saying he couldn’t do it, but wasn’t that a bit too much? “What do you think you did!?” Khalxaen screamed at him. She wasn’t the kind of person to take leaving her to fight against this much too lightly, if ever, she was annoyed. If she had come back to find him dead, then that would have haunted her forever.

[Izvilvin]

Khal had managed to steer the horse aside. Good. Izvilvin felt that he could fight with abandon now, knowing she had cut the ties to the wagon and sped off. With no time to get to a safe distance, the Drow desperately rolled away as the leading caravan barreled past, inches from his skull was the closest wheel. The three guards leapt from the rolling transport as it slowed, just long enough for them to safely descend.

They yelled in unison and charged likewise, blades held high overhead, shields forward. They saw what had been done to their friends, the efficient throat killings; the humans were treating Izvilvin like a serious threat, which would make fighting them all the more difficult. He backed up rapidly as they ran toward him.

They were in a huge clearing in the forest, and though Izvilvin wanted to make his way toward the trees, he wasn't anywhere near close enough to make a run for it. The guards came upon him, two of them slashing at the same time as the third stabbed forward. Izvilvin avoided them all by leaping to his left, holding his weapons out as the guards turned to strike again.

He heard Khal scream and turned to look at her. The guards were more focused on him, he being the immediate threat. Izvilvin wanted to respond to what sounded like her anger, but found it impossible to think up a common language word.

Another caravan was slowing, slowing, stopping. The guards descended and advanced toward the battle, the merchants coming out of the back to aim their crossbows at the strange fighting Drow. The other wagons arrived, stopped, and their passengers did the same.

Suddenly Izvilvin was surrounded by 9 guards, six crossbows aimed his way, and with only a pair of small steel sai to defend himself. His lavendar eyes explored the faces of the humans, seeing anger there. They hated him for killing their comrades, but they respected the ways of their land. Izvilvin would need to be captured and tried, and despite his not understanding their words, he knew enough of this strange land to see that.

Defeated, the Drow threw both of his sai down, the bloodied steel prongs slapping the dirty ground. The guards advanced, pulling him along toward one of the wagons, as another gathered the sai and put them into a sack. The humans were rough with him, saying words that sounded harsh, though Izvilvin heard the pain behind them. The Drow was knocked around roughly, thrown into the back of a wagon along with his weapons.

Some more yelling. Izvilvin managed to sit up and look beyond the driver and the horse, spotting the form of Khalxaen in the distance. She needed to get to safety, he knew. She had the chance, she needed to seize it. Izvilvin could manage on his own. For a hundred years, he'd done so.

So many thoughts. He was bound and closely watched, and knocked back down on his back by a guard after only a moment of seeing Khal in the woods. Silently, he wondered what the penalty for murder was in Scara Brae, and how he could hope to defend himself without being able to speak.

[Khalxaen]

The guards were so furious at Izvilvin that they didn’t even notice Khalxaen. Khalxaen was a person of impulse, but even she knew her limitations. She stood there in shock as she hid behind a tree, too afraid to try and help Izvilvin. The guards were being so harsh, but Khalxaen understood that if she were in their place, she would probably have reacted the same way.

Khalxaen shut her scarlet eyes at the brutality in of what was in front of her; and she couldn’t do anything. She caught a glimpse of Izvilvin before he was knocked out. The guards started yelling at each other and sped off, still all frustrated. This isn’t fair… Khalxaen cursed under her breath as she watched the wagons drive away.

……

Why the hell am I so affected with this? Khalxaen complained in her mind as she walked away from the post. She was throwing a small pouch of rewards in her hand, as much as the old man had given her. He seemed disappointed that she wasn’t able to take everything, and she was only able to take one wagon’s worth of supplies, and most were damaged already. All that for just this small amount wasn’t enough for her, and it just made her greedy persona want more.

She couldn’t stop thinking about the Drow who had been captured, and the fact that she couldn’t do anything. The old man from the Scourge seemed confused on why she was alone when she brought the little supplies, but understood more when she asked just where the guards might bring someone they captured.

The demon peered inside the bag of rewards. They weren’t much, but Izvilvin also worked for it, maybe even more than she did. It was still haunting her head how she just stood there since she knew she couldn’t do anything.

Fine, least I can do is try to get him back out. Khalxaen dictated in her head as she shut the pouch back with frustration. Hell, I can’t believe this.

[INDK]

In general, I feel this thing suffered from the lack of detail and a general lack of plot. You guys didn’t really fill in much color to this. Striking a balance between the right amount of detail is a difficult task, and I think both of you err to the side of parsimony a bit too much. Also Khalxaen, this was a very good first effort. You have a lot to be proud of.

Total Score= 56.5. Good work guys!

Introduction – 5 I liked the way that Khalxaen’s introduction oozed with the character’s confidence. Otherwise, I didn’t think this introduction was particularly stellar. I would have liked to know why your character was working for the Scara Scourge. Any kind of logical reason (she wanted money) would have sufficed. Izvilvin was a bit stronger here, but I feel you assumed that I knew too much about your character. I do skim profiles before I read characters, but I don’t feel like that is something you should take for granted with your readers. Make sure you reacquaint and emphasize important character traits. You did a good job telling me that Izvilvin spoke only drow, but as to the source of his motivations, I was left guessing. You both combined to introduce the plot (though Khalxaen could have been a bit better, especially with letting me know where her character came from), it was the introduction of character that mainly had me wanting more. Remember that your characters do not spontaneously appear in adventures. They do things before and after.

Setting – 4 I think effort was the key variable missing in here. I don’t want big things, just little things. Occasional comments about the ground, the trees. I don’t need essays describing grains of wood and patterns of bark, but I could stand for a bit more.

Strategy – 6 This was well thought out, but really little more than just basic fighting. However, this thread had no holes in it, which is a good thing.

Dialogue – 8 I was very impressed with the spoken dialogue here. It was very well thought out. Izvilvin did a great job RPing the language barrier, and Khalxaen’s reactions to it were excellent as well. The body language was decent as well, especially by Izvilvin. In fact this is the kind of thread I would link to when trying to explain how dialogue must be character specific and situational. Kudos.

Character – 5 This thread wasn’t particularly a vehicle for character, but I still felt it could have been stronger. I felt that while Khalxaen did a good job of narrating her character’s emotions, you were missing some kind of central personality. She seemed really confident in the intro, but almost as if she was different character afterwards. Izvilvin I just felt like I was found wanting a bit. I expect both of you will improve in this area as you get to know your characters better.

Rising Action – 6 I thought this thread progressed quite briskly, and you did pace yourselves pretty well. If anything, the action rose a bit too fast here. I would analogize the situation to someone sitting down to a meal, and being forced to gobble it all up so they couldn’t savor it. Take a bit more time to lay a good foundation before you run off to the races.

Climax – 0/0 In a multipart thread like this, the climax and conclusion are the same. It is time to skew the rubric!

Conclusion – 11/20 Izvilvin had a particularly biting line at the end, one that made me very interested as to what happens next. That’s always good for a thread like this. Khalxaen, I felt that you should have played a bit more with your struggle to save Izvilvin.

Writing Style – 5.5 Khalxaen, your writing needs a bit more meat to it. Brevity is not bad, but it is not the only thing that you should aspire for. As a general rule, remember that you’re not just supposed to tell what’s going on, you’re supposed to demonstrate it. That way other people will be able to emphasize more with your character and get more immersed in your writing. I don’t really have many comments for Izvilvin, primarily because the writing was clear and understandable, but I would like to see you challenge yourself more. You’re at the point where you won’t get better unless you take risks and experiment with literary devices. Sometimes they’ll fail, but sometimes you’ll find gold. Right now, it is primarily plot that keeps me interested in any Izvilvin adventure. That’s not a bad thing, your writing doesn’t detract, but it doesn’t help you either.

Wild Card – 6 I liked this thread. It was simple, I felt it could have dealt with a bit more organization, but I don’t think that was what you guys were going for.

Spoils=

Izvilvin gets 500 EXP and 100 GP
Khalxaen gets 450 EXP and 100 GP

(The GP rewards are relatively small not because I thought you did badly, but because the quest was a relatively short one. Also in IC terms, this mission was mostly a failure.

[Thoracis]

Added the stuff. Yay!