Detention: The request was moderate commentary, so I’m going to do what I normally do for judging and comment where necessary. If anything is unclear, or you would like further help with something that I commented on, feel free to PM me or catch me on AIM at TheTaskmienster.
First score listed is going to be Twylith, the second score is going to be JadeStorm.
Continuity [T: 4/JS: 4]
Twylith
Your intention is to get better as a common Althanas denizen, working to learn to fight and survive. I’m understanding that. But what came before then? It’s obvious you’re not from Althanas, the fact being in the very setting itself, but there isn’t a whole lot that you gave the reader as far as background information. I’d suggest taking the setting, and as I commented below, using it in a broader scope. You can use the setting to remember things about who you are and where you came from, and from there can narrative-ly tell the reader about the character without having to write a paragraph that is set apart about their history.
JadeStorm
Like your opponent, you explained enough for a reason to be in the Citadel, but not enough outside of that or any background information on who the character is. See her comments for what I mean, I don’t think there was much difference in what both of you had with continuity, which is why I’m not going to copy/paste it down here. 
Setting [T: 5/JS: 4]
Twylith
:: Your opening post was descriptive of the environment, but not altogether interestingly worded. It was like reading a technical manual on the layout of a high school lunch room. Try and add a little bit of feeling into the setting, not just what you see but use the other sense as well. I’m sure that the monks could have had a bit of an imagination regarding a high school… allowing them to make some questionable cafeteria food that would smell like something. How was the lighting? What did things feel like? Do memories create a taste on your tongue, like remembering the way the food tasted? Things like that take the setting from being a forced environmental aspect that must be known for others to join, and turn them into something that actually invites the reader to take part in your world.
JadeStorm
I gave you a slight disadvantage because though you followed Twylith through the high-school environment, you didn’t really give me as the reader anything for setting. You can elaborate and continue descriptions, use the setting to your advantage, and give the reader something else to look at instead of letting your opponent write out all the details and adding none yourself. Feel free to express something as you go, if you want to add something about the art room, by all means do so. Not everything can be described by one writer, and as such, not everything will be.
Pacing [T: 3/JS: 5]
Twylith
:: You created more and more settings, without really allowing the reader to invest any interest in the previous one. The quicker you jump from one thing to another, the harder it is to follow for the reader. Though the pacing might be quick because it’s a battle, it still needs to flow well, and instead of jumping so fast you should slow down and develop a story, or at least give more narrative reason for the sudden jump and sprint tactics the character uses.
JadeStorm
I gave you the advantage here because you didn’t set the pace, but kept up with it rather well. Instead of just going with the flow, try and make something happen, change the pacing to your advantage, or at least help keep it consistent as you go. You did an ok job of the consistent pacing, but didn’t do much else.
Dialogue [T: 4/ JS: 4]
JadeStorm
:: Your opening bit of dialogue was a little cliché, reminded me more of an opening for an anime than a book of any kind. I’d suggest that you give a little more reason behind her tone, personality, and dialogue before you jump into “I'm going insane and I promise you, whoever you are, I'm taking you with me!" If I didn’t know the character, I now have the impression that she kills because she’s bored, and is going insane with boredom, which makes her more of a serial killer loose in the Citadel then a deep character.
Action [T: 5/JS: 4]
Twylith
:: I have no clue, at all, where you got telekinetic powers… it’s not in your profile, and I checked through all your posts on the site and notice that you haven’t completed any quests or anything where it might have been rewarded. So, where exactly do you have that ability? If it’s not listed, your character doesn’t have it. As such, I’m going to have to dock for power-gaming, not sure what else to call it.
And then, at the end, I see where it came from. However, you’d still need to wait till your next update to use it unless it was approved for use till the next update. Either way… can’t use it unless it’s approved for use, and since the other thread is both not done yet, nor judged and the spoils from it aren’t approved yet either… I still have to consider it a form of power-gaming.
EDIT: However, because you were misinformed about the use of powers on Althanas, I’m not going to dock points for this section. In the future, know that unless a thread is judged, and the spoils approved, you should be careful about using abilities. If you want to use them, make a note that refers to the thread you would have received them from had the judge been quicker about it, and that you have the permission of your opponent to use them.
Persona [T: 4/JS: 4]
:: Neither of you really showed a lot of personality with the characters, other than something that was rather cliché at first, and then switched to something completely different as the battle went on. Try and remember to keep in the same mind-set as you start with.
Technique [T: 4/JS: 3]
:: Not a whole lot of advanced technique for either of you… just a little here and there but nothing amazingly alluring. Take the time to throw a little bit of advanced technique into your writing, make it a bit more attractive. You don’t have to ignore your writing style to create overly flowery descriptions and draw out the writing, just throw a little here and there.
Mechanics [T: 6/JS: 7]
Twylith
:: [[A high school must be completely foreign to them.]] :: “must be” is present tense, and the majority of writing, both your own and standard, is going to be past tense. “Must have been” would have kept it past tense. [post 1]
:: [[This is where she wanted her fight to take place, however.]] :: “This” is also present tense. You can write the opening to that, and this is just one suggested way, “It was” instead of “This is”.
:: The rest of the mistakes by both of you were small ones, commas needed here and there, little sentence structure errors. Nothing that’s not hard to fix, but stuff that when done post-by-post add’s up.
Clarity [T: 5/JS: 6]
Wild Card [T: 5/JS: 5]
Twylith
:: You seem to have a connection with the character Chucklecut, not sure if you’re the same writer as or if you’re friends with JadeStorm. In any case, it’s best not to bunny your opponents into the arena. Even with permission it’s normally better to allow them to write their character into the battle as they see fit and how they want, otherwise it just looks like you’re writing for both people in which case it’s not really that fun. Just be careful about the bunnying.
:: [[The archer was ready for her. Another arrow loosed, and Brielle barely withheld a scream as she felt it whip through her long red hair.]] :: This is the first part of the third paragraph in your second post. The entire paragraph was bunnying. You can’t control your opponent’s actions. Even if you’re making them hurt you. [post 3]
EDIT: As a result of talking to you both through PM, and realizing that you were allowing bunnying, I’m not going to dock as I did originally. The changed score will be added to the final. In the future, if you are going to allow each other to bunny, make a note of it first thing so that the judge knows before they start reading that it’s allowed and they won’t dock for it.
Score: EDIT: The score changed, and the winner is now Twylith.
Twylith: 45
JadeStorm: 40
Rewards: EDIT: The rewards have been switched because of the results of the change in score.
Twylith: 475 exp | 85 gold
JadeStorm: 145 exp | 65 gold
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