Checkmate: I wasn’t given any details as to the type of commentary that was requested. So, I’m going to be doing my average amount. If I see something that stands out I’ll make a note of it for you, and so forth. If you have comments or anything catch me via PM or AIM as per usual.
Continuity 5
:: Continuity through memories is a good way to get the reader to know a bit about the character, but what the purpose of the thread is other than to kill another person is lost. Why are you trying to kill him? What purpose does he have in Cassandra’s life? What happened to lead up to this event?
Setting 4
:: You seemed to have forgotten the setting after the first couple posts, which didn’t have a lot of setting to begin with.
Pacing 3
:: At first it was really quick, then there was a chess match which took up the vast majority of the thread. Pages of reading a chess match aren’t really that interesting unless you take the time to make them so. You don’t have to tell the reader every little detail of the mental battle through the use of the board, but it would be nice to have the focus shifted to something… interesting. Such as character, or a focus on persona.
Dialogue 4
:: The dialogue is somewhat childish, a lot of cussing and a lot of childish anger. Its as if the character is a small child, with a foul mouth, and weapons to kill someone in every thread. As I said in the persona, she doesn’t have a lot of depth which makes her really unbelievable as a character. What personality you do show is normally only through dialogue, and it is almost the same at all times so it doesn’t seem to add a whole lot to the general story.
Action 4
:: After playing so much, how does the Kingmaker have any memories left? Even small ones here and there, after losing pieces other than pawns, would eventually run out, right? It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to use this as a means of hurting others when it also hurts you… The action is there, but not entirely clear.
Persona 3.5
:: Cassandra isn’t really that interesting. She does the same thing every time, never changes, and has the same cliché villain killer attitude. I’d suggest giving her some depth, something more than “I kill you, oh wait, I need 9 more posts till I can do that.” Also, something more than trying to portray her persona through dialogue would help a whole lot. Depth, that is what she needs more than anything.
Technique 5.5
:: You normally have a rather interesting, and welcoming writing style, one that makes the reader really want to continue. This thread, however, doesn’t follow that trend unfortunately. It feels like I’m reading a technical manual on the actions of the character. It doesn’t have enough feeling. Try and remember to keep the advanced technique in the thread, and don’t favor immediate ‘to-the-point’ storytelling that doesn’t allow the reader to get drawn in.
Mechanics 5
:: The Citadel is a proper name for a specific location, so should be capitalized. Minor spelling errors, such as writing ot instead of to, as well as comma errors (either too many or not enough).
:: “She had got out of that mess by pure dumb luck, yet a solitary communication orb remained behind and someone by the alias King of All told her if she was looking for a challenge to come to this place and find someone by the nickname of Kingmaker.” Post 1 :: “She had [gotten] out…” got out is incorrect grammar. Also, the sentence is a bit of a run-on. You have the conclusion of what happened, what had been left behind after the conclusion, and then what came next. Too much in one sentence. You should stick to conveying a single thought per sentence, the only time a sentence should be as long as this is if each part of it relates to the initial train of thought started with.
Clarity 4
:: “About three months ago she was traveling the land in Carthage trailing someone who raped his victims under a spell.” Post 1 :: Did the person rape people that were under his spell, or did he rape them because he was under a spell? Make sure that you’re clear with your wording.
:: “Now that term has dual meanings, as anyone who pulls the trigger to set the events to lead to others ascension.” Post 1 :: “Now” has a present tense connotation, and in this case completely cuts away from the past tense writing style. Also, after the comma, the sentence really doesn’t make any sense.
Wild Card 5
Score: 43
Rewards:
Requiem :: 1400 exp | 100 gold
((Reward request : Cassandra Requests the following spoil:
Kingmaker's Chess Pieces: The pieces of this demonic artifact is a testament to men's insanity to get what they want, regardless of the price. Depending on which color you play will determine what happens to your soul:
-Black: If you play the black pieces, painful memories from your past will be forced up to the front of your mind, making you relive them as if they just occurred. (IE any emotional effects will immediately be revisited.) This process is also very painful.
-White: If you play the white pieces, fond memories from your past will be stripped from your mind, forever lost. This leaves the player in a state of confusion and very disoriented. This process is also very painful.
Changes :: White cannot remove memories forever. Also, cannot use on a PC without permission, though I don’t know how you would without their permission… ))
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