Duel of the Pie-Pans. (Closed)

[Aiko]

Calbrena was unable to stop laughing. She didn't know what sort of gas it was that hit her, but it was beginning to hurt. She spotted something coming at her, a rope. She caught it and it tried to tie her up. She struggled, trying to resist, but she was laughing too hard to stop it. In short order, it had her tied up and dangling from the ceiling.

“Aww, I'm all tied up just for you. Are things about to get all hot and steamy in here?” she asked.

A monk appeared from around the corner. He looked at Duffy, determined him to be in good condition, then up at Calbrena. He pointed at her, and the ceiling began to lower, even as the boxes began to disappear. Calbrena took a deep breath, and broke into a fresh round of laughter.

“You win, because you've incapacitated your opponent.” the monk said.

He turned and a pink gas coming from his sleeves surrounded Calbrena. Her laughter died out. Out of gratitude, she threw her arms around the monk and kissed him on the cheek.

“Yes, well, your a rather dirty woman, so why not exit through the red door and use the baths?”

Calbrena ran straight towards the red door, glad all the boxes and props and other things were gone. She noticed a green door, and realized it was for her opponent to use. She took a nice long bath, insured her normal clothes were clean, and left before the monks could think up something else to embarrass her with.

[Duffy]

The devil found itself bound inexplicably, and the laughter only increased from them both. Just as he felt like he could live with it no longer, a monk turned a corner and necessitated proceedings with a strange sleeve device. Duffy flopped his arms to his sides and at last felt like he could take a moment to breathe. The monk had sent his opponent packing and any sense of expectation and hope had sent his energy out an invisible door of it's own. It wasn't quite the rope trick he had expected, but it was still a performance worthy of his remembrance, and hopefully, the audience's too.

Sweaty, tired and sides aching, the thief waltzed over to the discarded fox masque and plucked it from the ground by one its ribbons. He let it spin before his eyes and admired its form. With a smile and a cock of the head that suggested mischief was still afoot, he tied it to his face once more despite the heat, and skipped over to the green door. He pushed it open, ran out into the preparatory chamber and up into the audience stands to Basque in his own self important glory.

The sound of cheers and laughter rolled down the steps into the chamber of comic melee, and burnt the strange encounter with the devil clown into the back of his mind for a great deal of time to come.

Spoil:

Geisha Mask: A ceramic fox masque in the traditional Akashiman style, with red ribbon to secure it to the face and a broad bright smile moulded into it. It conceals the face completely, but asides from its disguise potential, it has no magical ability nor is it worth anything.

[Silence Sei]

Let’s get started, shall we?

Aiko
STORY ~

(13/30)

Continuity (5/10) ~ Your reasoning for being in the citadel was a bit cliché. However, as I always find a hard time for my own character coming to the citadel, I didn’t dock you here. You seemed to be going somewhere with the connections thing, but it never flourished, which disappointed me.

Setting (5/10) ~ The box maze confused me a bit. That is why you and your opponent both have the same average score here. I couldn’t tell whether the maze was made up of boxes or what, and if so, how one managed to climb them so easily without the boxes giving way?

Pacing (3/10) ~ I would have liked to see a little bit more of this fight. You seemed to concluded it abruptly when things were getting good. A useful tip, if the nature of the fight is non-violent, I would prefer the fight to last about 15 or so posts. I always feel that citadel battles are rather short unless people otherwise specify so. I would imagine that a non violent competition would take a bit longer than a fight to the death.

Duffy
(16/30)

Continuity (6/10) ~ Because of Duffy’s usual nature of constantly going to the citadel (from what I’ve seen), your reasoning was more fit for the situation than Aikos. However, I still find the warrior came because he felt like it idea a bit cliché as well. Perhaps some goading or taunting from other Tantalum members would help? I would love to see the Narrator goad Duffy into a rage just one time.
Setting (5/10) ~ See Aiko’s comment for my feelings here.
Pacing (5/10) ~ Your score was more average here because Duffy was trying to end the fight without you as a writer trying to end the fight. The lasso thing made sense, but I didn’t see it as final attack of sorts.

• CHARACTER ~

Aiko

(15/30)

Dialogue (4/10) ~There wasn’t much to the dialogue of this thread. I found the barking humorous. I would have expected a lot more jokes and quips given the nature of this thread. I was disappointed when the funniest thing said was Duffy’s jibber-jabber (which actually –did- make sense, given the situation)

Action (7/10) ~ This thread was nothing if not action packed. Though the start was a bit slow, the second yall started the gags, the quicker they came at me. I would have liked a variety of objects thrown on your behalf, however. Duffy threw several things at once and ended with the liver, I thought you could have at least found a pie uzi or something.

Persona (4/10) ~ Calbrena was frustrated. I gathered that. The outright silliness was not her style. However, at the end when you spoke the line with the sexual overtone, it struck me as out of place. If I was flustered about being embarrassed, I wouldn’t start hitting on my opponent once they tied me up. I’d be raging.

Duffy
(17/30)

Dialogue (4/10) ~ It would have been average dialogue if not for Duffy’s puppy line. The stone was supposed to make your actor ramble non-sensical stuff. Considering that Calbrena was barking like a dog, and Duffy said a line referring to dogs. It struck me as if he had been –trying- to say something about Calbrena’s barking. Next time (if ever) the situation arises, I’d use something more random ‘Hobo Giraffe ate my sales’ for example.
Action (8/10) ~ You got the point advantage here because your character used so much versatility with projectiles and whatnot. You did an outstanding job using all the props given to you to thoroughly make Calbrena feel inferior.

Persona (5/10) ~ Duffy’s past with the troupe was perfect for this thread. I felt that the warrior was at home admidst all the circus props and whatnot. The shock from seeing the demon clown that was Calbrena brought a smile across my face. You explored Duffy’s actor nature while throwing his warrior side to the wayside, which is why there is only an average score here.

WRITING STYLE ~
Aiko
(19/40)

Mechanics (4/10) ~ A few fragments, a misspelled word here and there. There was nothing too substantially bad. I would give examples, but I hate trying to cite specific lines out of a thread as a whole. If you absolutely can’t stand to not know, just PM/IM me about it, and I’ll take some time to quote the errors to you.

Technique (5/10) ~ No real literary devices to speak of. It was average writing for a unique fight. That’s really all there is to it.

Clarity (6/10) ~ Aside from the box maze, where I docked you in setting for, your writing was clear. I could understand mostly everything you wrote without having to think about it too long. You could improve the score here by finding ways to specify things that everyone can instantly visualize.
Wild Card (4/10) ~ The sexual tone of Cal at the end really threw me off. The ending was very lackluster as well. I didn’t expect a monk to just walk in and say ‘TIME OVER! You win!’

Duffy

(20/40)

Mechanics (5/10) ~ Nothing glaringly bad here. You did everything right it seemed. I would like to see quotation marks from the narrator as well when you have him announce stuff, as well as the bold lettering.

Technique (6/10) ~ As anyone can tell from reading your threads, this was obviously Duffy writing. The use of ‘true’ English in the dialogue and some of the wording confuses me. However it is a special technique that nets you bonus points here…

Clarity (4/10) ~ ...Unfortunately, the same things dock you in clarity.

Wildcard (5/10) ~ It was a fun read, and Duffy was obviously the more comedic of the two. Nothing in particular happened to tickle my fancy on either character though.

Totals:

Aiko (47/100)

Duffy (53/100)

Duffy gets 1250 exp and 90 GP, as well as his mask.

Aiko gets 375 exp and 50 GP. She also gets a piping hot blueberry pie and her tab paid.


GG yall.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.