Can I get some feedback?

[Leroy Dark]

I'm in the process of writing my opening thread, and I would like some constructive criticism. Mostly I want feedback on how I'm doing with pacing, dialog, the story portion of the rubric. Once I finish the thread I'll run through the technique portion.

Heres a link
http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=21473

[SirArtemis]

I just read through it, and I will say that it's a bit difficult for my mind to work the way you suggest. Generally, an extra word, misplaced comma, or something of the sort can really throw a reader off, including the pacing due to needing to reread or fill in the blanks.

I would recommend going back to fix some of that first. I noticed plenty of minor errors you can catch if you read out loud to yourself. Make sure to read your punctuation accurately as well, since there were apostrophe issues as well. For example, if you want to say "that's" then read it as if it did not have an apostrophe, and say "that is." Doing this will help you from making mistakes like using "your" instead of "You're" and vice versa.

As for content, I would like a bit more visually for the dinner room scene, and I think if you slowed down the walk to the dad's study to address some of Leroy's emotions, it would work well. All I know is he punched James and the wife cried.

Also, something that I've learned is that when you go into the abstract the way you do when writing in the book and the supernatural event occurs, you have to be very careful and specific in describing something so uncommon.

Finally, I would recommend not using phrases, like all hell broke loose. These are culture specific and can hamper reader's interpretations. Try to be literal, like saying instead that something bizarre and unexpected happened.

Sorry, one more thing. You seem to capitalize things that don't need to be capitalized in the middle of sentences.


(Sorry just edited this. Did it from my phone first.)

[Revenant]

Pacing:
This thread is very awkwardly paced. You jump right to the gathering without any real background. As SirArtemis pointed out, you run right from the gathering to the study. The description of your world transition is blocky and felt like a chore to read through. Smooth it out so that it flows better, the events should move naturally from one to another. Finally, your ending really jumps around. All in all, the entire thread feels like reading random bits of information that should flow together but have all been jumbled.

Dialogue:
Assuming the Will counts as dialogue, then I found it confusing that you say "I feel like none of you deserve a dime." and then "the other half to be used to care for my wife and son." My first thought was 'Aren't his wife and son considered part of the family?' Why don't you just say that only his wife and son deserve any money? After the will is read, I would recommend adding some extra lines of dialogue from some of the other random members of the family expressing disbelieve or disgust. For that matter, add some extra bits of dialogue before the will is read where the family discusses what they intend to do with their portion of Lucien's money. That way you can show how greedy and self-absorbed the Dark's are without actually having resort to saying "the Dark's were really greedy and self-absorbed." Showing is always better than telling.

Story:
Frankly, your story is pretty bland at this point. It might just be that you haven't written enough of it yet, but the whole "mysterious book" portion had no lead up and felt forced. Perhaps if you foreshadowed the power of the journal, talking about it more in the story before Leroy uses it, or mentioning a history for it. Did Leroy ever see his father with the book? Was it a prized possession that Lucien always had on him but never let anyone else look at? Give it some personality as it is a major focus of the story and just appeared without much in the way of build-up.

Hope this helps.

[Tainted Bushido]

Building off what Rev said, keep in mind post length also affects pacing. When you post short posts it creates a bit of tension and a faster pace subconsciously in the reader's mind. Now, this isn't always the case, but for things so mundane as a will and whatnot, short posts tend to add tension to something that isn't truly tension deserving. While I knwo it can be a pain, be sure to develop whats going on fully before moving on. You have skeletons of posts, you need to put some muscles in there. Tell us about the setting, more about the people, perhaps hint at their history. I'm not looking for a ten page history for everyone you introduce, but give us some frame of reference when dealing with the characters of your story.

[Zerith]

After reading what you have done so far, I haven't quite felt pulled into the story yet. I understand it's only just started, which is why part of me is looking forward to seeing something that will make me think, "Damn, where's the next post!? I want to know what happens next!" It's probably just me and the way I think, so it's entirely possible that others may feel drawn to it already.

There wasn't much description of the setting at first, but I see that's slowly starting to change with the descriptions of the door to the study, the study itself and the forest. So I am hoping to see it continue to progress as Leroy continues his journey. My personal suggestion would be to add colour or detail to furniture or rooms as you describe them. I like to read about the type of paintings hung on the walls, or what kind of wood the desk is made off. Again, it may just be me, but I find it helps to visualize the scenery in my mind.

A minor thing I'd like to add, what suddenly inspired 'Leeroy' (JENKINS! Sorry, couldn't resist) to write? What are his intial thoughts when looking around the forest? His mind was racing, but what kind of thoughts were going through his head? I would have like to read what he was thinking as he went to the study, just as I would also have like to know what his initial thoughts or were when he was in the forest. Did he think he was hallucinating? Was he wondering if this was some strange parody of the Wizard of Oz or Alice in Wonderland? I would really like to see just how the wheels turn in his head.

I hope my opinions are not coming off as being too harsh. I also hope that somehow, some of these things I mention help you in some way.
.)

[Leroy Dark]

Thanks a lot for all of your input!