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Thread: A Cold Coincidence: Part III

  1. #11
    Hand of Virtue
    EXP: 87,799, Level: 12
    Level completed: 84%, EXP required for next level: 2,201
    Level completed: 84%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,201
    GP
    16,708
    SirArtemis's Avatar

    Name
    Artemis Eburi
    Age
    28
    Race
    Human (+ Dovicarus)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Dark Brown and Gray
    Eye Color
    Piercing Blue
    Build
    5'8"
    Job
    Smith

    The two humans of the group made their way out of the cave. They took the torches off the walls of the cave, leaving it dark and empty. As they walked along the side of the mountain, flames guiding their way, the first signs of morning began to show.

    The songs of birds greeted to the sun, waking the world to another day. The old sycamore off in the distanced rustled off a long night's rest, as did the animals beneath him. As the duo walked east along the mountainside, looking for the right place to make their decent, the sun peeked over the horizon and rose from its own slumber.

    The two men passed a small pile of snow along their path where Axel stuck the burning end of the torch and put out the flame.

    "We won't be needing these."

    Artemis nodded in agreement and added his torch to the pile.

    "Hey Axel?" Artemis prompted, taking advantage of Axel's breaking silence. "Can I ask you something?"

    "Go ahead."

    "Where did you learn to shoot a bow like that?"

    "Practice."

    "Well, I know you practiced but where did you practice? Did you shoot targets? Were they moving targets? Did you just hunt animals?"

    The old man stopped walking, causing Artemis to stop as well. He hoped he had not said anything that may have upset the bowyer.

    "Would you like to hear a story?" He said, turning to face Artemis. "You may not have heard it. Take the lead and I'll tell you it if you'd like."

    Artemis just nodded and moved past the old man, taking the point position and leading the way. They had arrived at the descent and as they began to climb down, Axel began his story.

    "Salvarian legend tells of a group of four adventurers who protected the land. They were said to work so well together that enemies made claims that the four were truly one; as if all of their minds were linked by magic. Whether from afar or up close, the group would wreak havoc upon their foes, countless falling before them."

    The descent was serving as a bit of a distraction. Occasionally there would be a pause in his story, during which he would catch his breath or take a dangerous step, but he carried on and Artemis listened intently.

    "They would shoot and throw, cut and stab. No enemy could best the group. The moment an opponent thought they had an opening, another of the group would defend their comrade, arriving just in time. Many guessed that their luck would run out, that fate would take the life of one and their legend would end. Yet no such thing ever happened. As time passed, they simply disappeared. Many guessed they had simply gotten too old to fight and that they still lived on somewhere. Some still look for them, hoping to hear their stories first hand. Others believe they are dead and spend years chasing after the treasure they believed the group had collected. They were known as Salvar's Silent Sentinels, and to this day, nobody knows what came of them."

    Artemis listened, taking it all in and enjoying the story. It seemed like a fairy tale, a bedtime lullaby told to children to give them hope that they could be heroes. After all, every child wanted to save the world, or something equally as fantastic. Still, the story was pleasant enough.

    Soon enough, with the exertion dragging the story's length out, the two had arrived at the base of the mountain and joined back up with the three others. The dwarves seemed to have made it to the bottom without any trouble, which was a relief.

    "So what do you think happened to them?" Artemis asked, just for the sake of making conversation.

    "They're still alive."

    "What makes you say that?"

    Bending down, Axel picked something up off the ground. It was the arrow that Artemis had accidentally launched off the mountain while waiting. The old man reached out and held it out for Artemis with a smile on his face.

    "Because you're looking at them."

    Artemis stood, a bit confused and a bit in disbelief. Suddenly, everything was falling into place for him. That short story had not meant anything to him, but with the realization that these for were them made much more sense. That explained how well they worked together. Their strength! Their skill! ...The magic trolley even... Everything!

    Bazzak laughed as Nalin smiled on the opposite side of the cart, Jay standing nearby with a smile of her own.

    "Come on then," Bazzak interupted. "Let's get back home. The rest of the trip is the easy part."

    Reaching out and grabbing the arrow tentatively, Artemis looked back at Axel. The old man turned and began walking with the others, and as the four walked side by side, with only a cart between them, Salvar's Silent Sentinels showed themselves to the vagabond.

    "Looks like I'm not too old after all," Axel said, a warm and sincere smile making its way across his face.

    Jay winked, placing a hand on the back of the bowyer's neck. It seemed he had come along to prove that to himself, and as far as Artemis was concerned, he had succeeded.
    Last edited by SirArtemis; 08-28-10 at 02:07 AM.
    2011 Althy Winner - Most Realistic Character
    2016 Althy Winner - Best Contributor & Player of the Year (tie)

    Artemis Eburi Wiki Page
    Current Character Profile

    Solo Quests:
    Hidden Beneath The Canopy (75)
    Lost Loot of Lornius (74)

  2. #12
    Hand of Virtue
    EXP: 87,799, Level: 12
    Level completed: 84%, EXP required for next level: 2,201
    Level completed: 84%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,201
    GP
    16,708
    SirArtemis's Avatar

    Name
    Artemis Eburi
    Age
    28
    Race
    Human (+ Dovicarus)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Dark Brown and Gray
    Eye Color
    Piercing Blue
    Build
    5'8"
    Job
    Smith

    Out of Character:
    Spoils Requested:

    One cartload of mythril ore: The ore does not go directly to Artemis, but rather to the Norlond Forge. It may be used at a future point to craft himself items and possibly some items for sale after his blacksmithing skill increases.

    Minor Mining Knowledge: Artemis saw mining in action for the first time and paid attention to what was going on as best he could. Though he hasn't tried it himself, he gets the general idea of it.

    Minor Archery Proficiency: After observing Axel's ability, he imitates it somewhat like a child imitates a parent. He has adopted Axel's stance from memory, and though it isn't perfect for him, it helps him aim the arrow slightly better than his haphazard attempts prior to this experience.

    Artemis returns his borrowed dagger from Bazzak.
    Last edited by SirArtemis; 08-31-10 at 03:45 AM.
    2011 Althy Winner - Most Realistic Character
    2016 Althy Winner - Best Contributor & Player of the Year (tie)

    Artemis Eburi Wiki Page
    Current Character Profile

    Solo Quests:
    Hidden Beneath The Canopy (75)
    Lost Loot of Lornius (74)

  3. #13
    Screw You, Andy.
    EXP: 233,561, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next level: 0
    GP
    20,768
    Silence Sei's Avatar

    Name
    Sei Orlouge
    Age
    26
    Race
    Mystic
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Orange
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    5'11'', 172 lbs
    Job
    Protector of Radasanth.

    View Profile
    • STORY ~

    Continuity (6/10) ~ I had a pretty decent idea of everything that had went on in the past, so you got a good mark here.

    Setting (4/10) ~ Your settings left a lot to be desired. While the forge had me in a somewhat state of imagining, all I could picture of the cave was a mountain with a hole in it. Likewise, within the cave was very undescript. Even if you’ve went over the senses involving a previous setting, bring them back to your characters attention so newer readers will be able to relate.

    Pacing (5/10) ~ They were here, then here, then here, and we’re done. That’s pretty much the jist of the pacing for this thread. While that’s okay if you’re trying for speed posting or a quick read, it would be much easier for the readers if you slowed down a bit.

    15/30


    • CHARACTER ~

    Dialogue (7/10) ~ Axel’s little speech at the end seemed a bit lengthy, but it wasn’t too bad. This was definitely ones of your stronger areas.

    Action (7/10) ~ There definitely was action in this thread, even if it was for only about two-three posts. In a ten-eleven post thread, that’s all you really need. It would be nice to see if Artie had some other hobbies aside from being the gopher for his group. Reading a book, sharpening his blades while he’s bored, something like that.


    Persona (5/10) ~ This thread was more about the Sentinels than about Artemis himself. Thatn being said, you did a decent job conveying who each of the characters were. You just have to make Artemis seem a bit more interesting by having him do interesting things rather than listening and obeying.

    19/30


    • WRITING STYLE ~

    Mechanics (7/10) ~ Two major errors I saw, you capitalized ‘defense’ at one point, and I also caught use of a homonym. Editing your posts to add stuff is good, Artie, but make sure you catch errors before you edit further details.

    Technique (6/10) ~ The flashback was okay, as was the small bit of foreshadowing involving Axel in the first post. Nothing really else to say here.

    Clarity (9/10) ~ Even if it went by fast, I understood everything that was happening. My only problem was that Axel seemed as more of an afterthought up until the last post. It was all ‘They all did this, oh yeah, Axel’s here too, and he did this thing, but then Artie….’ IF you’re using your NPCs, make sure that they not just there, as I was uncertain why you even added Axel to the mix until the last post.
    • Wild Card (7/10) ~ Bombs going boom make me smile. What can I say?

    29/40

    Final Score: 63/100

    The ore is approved, but not to be in Artemis’ possession until at least one more thread scoring a 60.

    Abilities are approved pending Letho or Task’s mighty word.

    Artie gets 1330 exp, and 20 GP. Mining ore is a costly thing, after all, even for an apprentice.
    2011 Althy winner for Best Comeback, Most Helpful Moderator, and Best IC Odd Couple (With Enigmatic Immortal). 2012 Althie Winner for Mr. Althanas, and best Bromance (also, with Enigmatic Immortal). 2014 Althy Winner Best Battler for Forrals Fortress.

    Gisela Open Winner (First Year), Lornius Cooperate Championship 3rd Place Winner (1/2 of 'Don't Blinke!', 2nd year).

    (21:41:22) Sulla: If you kill god, Nihilism fills the void, you need the ubermensch to take the place of god. Sei is the ubermensch.

  4. #14
    Screw You, Andy.
    EXP: 233,561, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next level: 0
    GP
    20,768
    Silence Sei's Avatar

    Name
    Sei Orlouge
    Age
    26
    Race
    Mystic
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Orange
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    5'11'', 172 lbs
    Job
    Protector of Radasanth.

    View Profile
    exp-gp added.
    2011 Althy winner for Best Comeback, Most Helpful Moderator, and Best IC Odd Couple (With Enigmatic Immortal). 2012 Althie Winner for Mr. Althanas, and best Bromance (also, with Enigmatic Immortal). 2014 Althy Winner Best Battler for Forrals Fortress.

    Gisela Open Winner (First Year), Lornius Cooperate Championship 3rd Place Winner (1/2 of 'Don't Blinke!', 2nd year).

    (21:41:22) Sulla: If you kill god, Nihilism fills the void, you need the ubermensch to take the place of god. Sei is the ubermensch.

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