Hunting Makai...(Open to All)

[~Humphrey_Nonyton~]

(Conclusion post)

Humphrey's body was easily manipulated by Christina. Ace's words would have to wait for another hour, another day. Surely, if Humphrey would have heard those words, he would have taken the fellow up on his offer. Without much to say, the kitsune was taken to Underwood, and, to safety. The mission had proven to be a success. At the gates of the town, Humphrey was met with several guards who recognized the honourable kitsune exorcist. They thanked Christine and took the body of Humphrey into their custody to be returned to the church. There, after several weeks of recovery, Humphrey opened his eyes at last.

He found himself in a bed in the cathedral with the watchful eye of Father Kadmus. Humphrey looked into the honey-hued eyes of the elderly human. He was of stocky physique clearly from Yarborough District origin. Humphrey felt weak from so much slumbering. Father Kadmus ordered one of the nearby hand-maidens to assist Humphrey into a seating position. Humphrey growled softly. He noticed the tightness of his breathing, his ribs were bandaged up with heavily reinforced medical tape. Humphrey felt the extent of his injuries, both external and internal. He had suffered a great deal more than he had realized when the Ogre had struck him.

"The Cathedral has confirmed that the creature was exorcised." Father Kadmus began. "You have earned your reward well. That fellow that you teamed up with, Zack, I believe his name was? He came by a few weeks earlier to collect a reward. We offered him one. He seemed pleased. The other fellow, Ace, kept asking for lessons. We figured it would be best if we waited until you were awake once more to confirm or deny his requests at tutelage in our arts." Then, Father Kadmus's face became quite serious. "You have done this town a great service, young one." Kadmus said. "You have earned your rest. The Ogre is not a beast many would face on their own ground."

"Master Kadmus..." Humphrey said, still, pain reared its ugly face. "The creature...it possessed a strength and endurance that was uncanny. It smelled not of this plane." Humphrey struggled against the pain he felt. "It felt like it was from...the other world. Haidia." Humphrey remembered reading about the alternate realm in the teachings of his people. He did not like the implications of what he was saying.

Father Kadmus' expression became more severe. "There hasn't been any activity from Haidia in many years. Since Salvar crushed the demon-folk..." Kadmus suddenly reacted as if he were stabbed in the back. "Salvar...it is possible that the event could have been government propaganda from them and the true enemy has been in hiding." Kadmus said. "Salvar can not be trusted." Father Kadmus tapped his broad chin. "We must prepare in secrecy for what is coming. The Empire will not readily ally themselves to Underwood. We are alone and without hope for reinforcement." Father Kadmus said carefully. "But you, young one, you possess the torch that will light a brighter tomorrow. There is always hope." Father Kadmus smiled for a few moments. "Rest now." He placed a hand upon the kitsune's forehead who immediately relaxed.

"Master Kadmus..." Humphrey said carefully. Humphrey knew his place, but he still had earned himself a valuable item. "The object I was promised, have I earned it?" Humphrey asked, trying not to step on any toes or offend.

"In spades, Acolyte Nonyton. Along with another matter. It will be waiting for you when you fully recover."

***

The hour arrived when Humphrey's strength finally returned in full. To survive such a blow from the Makai, Humphrey was either very brave or very stupid. Either way, Humphrey was dressing himself on the day that he recovered. A nurse-maid approached Acolyte Humphrey with some food and drink, his first meal in ages. Humphrey was starving. Humphrey saw a small chest in his room that had a noticed addressed to him. Father Kadmus's reward from the cathedral. Humphrey did not care for the pagan deities that the folks in the cathedral worshiped, for he had his own deity. However, that was not important. What was important was that they were all devoted to the causes of the devout and pure. Humphrey opened the chest and could not help but smile when he saw the glowing contents inside.

Inside was the object he was promised. It was a small stone that a passing Akashiman left in Underwood about a century ago. It had finally returned to Akashiman hands. Humphrey knew there were many such objects hidden throughout the lands of Althanas. He felt compelled to collect which ever ones he could find. Hidden with the contents of the chest was also a small pouch, and a small scabbard that contained a ceremonial athame. (Dagger) The dagger would be useful for ritualistic workings. The acolyte also found a book in the chest. These items would all be useful to a man of the cloth as he was.

Though he did not follow the pagan deities of Corone, Humphrey was a man of the cloth none-the-less. His service to The Incarnate, would be remembered. Humphrey took a small parcel from the chest, sealed with the symbol of Father Kadmus, and began to read the letter quietly. Contained within the parcel, was Humphrey's next set of instructions in servitude to the cathedral. After all, Althanas was in an age of darkness, and many creatures lurked in the shadows. The Makai were only one face of the great evil. Humphrey held the stone in his hand as he read the letter from Father Kadmus. It was an invitation from Father Kadmus to join the ranks of Underwood's elite Demon Slayers...

Remember Father Kadmus's words about Ace, Humphrey went to go seek Ace out if he was still present on the cathedral grounds.

***

Spoils Request---

001-Church Payment-A job well done. Humphrey has earned a small payment of 300 gold pieces for his services to the Church of Underwood.

002-Gold Athame-An ornate cathedral dagger. This dagger is very beautiful and has a small, three inch gold blade. It is double-edged and typically not used for combat, but, ritualistic purposes. The small scabbard is equally decorated. Symbols favored by the cathedral of Underwood are etched upon both blade and scabbard. Neither possess any special powers. The dagger is very valuable and cannot be sold. It is a ranking mechanism given to members of the cathedral at the lowest rank.

003-Book of Cathedral Law-A small book that has the precepts, code of conducts, prayers, psalms and other written works necessary to an acolyte of the church. This book is a recently printed volume. It is a modern incarnation of the old pagan worshiping druids of Concordia Forest. The book, by itself, contains no power. It is simply a daily reminder for the followers of the cloth.

004-Soul Stone-A mysterious object. It is a small, red stone that contains a mysterious power. When used, it can suck the soul of a fallen Makai, that has been properly exorcised into it's structure for future use. The owner of the stone may apply his alchemy skills to use the soul of the Makai in his constructions. However, the use will be limited to an Acolyte to one soul per item forging. The applications are numerous and vast. (Note for use with Humphrey's Alchemy skills)

[Christina Bredith]

“So it’s dead, then.”

Christina nodded her head at Marshal Vardy, unusual for being particularly young for a Marshal but no less hard because of it. She had been called before the Marshals to report on the demon situation in southern Concordia, and she was pleased to be able to tell them that it had been resolved without further loss of life. The two Rangers that had died before Christina’s involvement were a heavy price to pay, but the butcher’s toll could have been much higher.

“And do you have any reason to believe this was something other than an isolated incident?” Marshal Yavis asked, off to Christina’s left. She was a dignified-looking woman in her golden years with a reputation for being one of the strictest—and harshest—Marshals in the force.

There, Christina’s gaze faltered. “I can only hope so, Marshal. The demon slayer lost consciousness after the battle and hadn’t awoken by the time we reached Underwood, so there was no chance to question him.” In fact, days later, their agents in the town were suggesting that the kitsune still had not awoken. She hoped he had survived the encounter; if this was not isolated, then she prayed he would still be around for the next one—and that she would not.

“Very troubling,” Yavis said, and the others mumbled their agreement.

“At least the beast compensated in some small way for the trouble it caused,” greying Marshal Osland added in reference to the sizable stock of weapons the Rangers had received. They had all been embedded into its flesh, and from the look of it, there had been a great many warriors who had tried to destroy it before they finally succeeded. It was better not to think about that, though; the numbers were too cruel.

The people of Underwood would receive some compensation too for the loss of life they had suffered. She had made sure that her share of any potential reward would be distributed to charitable—and Ranger-friendly, though the two were mostly synonymous—organizations within the town. Though given by the church, the money had essentially come from the Corone Empire, and she would not take a copper penny’s worth of that if it was the last thing between her and starvation. It seemed fitting that the people of Underwood should take it instead; after all, they had suffered a great deal at the hands of the Empire, and it was not about to compensate them for it.

“I recommend that we tighten up our patrols, Marshals,” Christina put in at last. “Keep them focused around the camp, the major roads, and Underwood itself. I don’t want to lose any more of our men to things like this.” Well, it wasn’t really her place to want anything where the Marshals were concerned—they did outrank her, after all, and never mind outnumbering her—but she was fairly well established as marching to her own beat after all these years. Besides, it was not a sentiment any of them could possibly disagree with. “I think that their first course of action should be to get away and inform us as soon as possible.”

The Marshals nodded in their turn. There was no sense in asking the Rangers to fight these creatures if they encountered them again, at least not without proper preparation. What they should do in such a situation was less clear. Retreat and inform the camp, but then what? Well, with a little luck, they would never have to answer that question, because she certainly couldn’t think how.

“Then go inform them, Deputy,” Marshal Vardy told her. She pressed fist to heart in a salute and then turned out of the tent to do exactly that.

While announcing this new policy to the rest of the Rangers that night, Christina couldn’t shake the feeling that this ogre was not a one-of-a-kind beast. What were the odds, really? The words she told the men rang fairly hollow to her: they would preserve lives, which was her one and only goal, but what would they do then? Hope to stumble across a demon slayer every time a gigantic monster appeared in Concordia? It was a precarious balance between the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing enough, and the assurance of doing what was necessary. It made her uneasy, but she knew it had to be done.

But that night, after everyone had gone to sleep, Christina was in the camp’s training grounds pushing herself harder than she had in months. If another creature like that ogre ever darkened Concordia’s boughs again—and she hoped it would be “if”—then she would be ready for it. The kitsune’s intervention had saved them once, but only a fool would count on it a second time, and that was one thing Christina Bredith could never be.

No spoils requested, per se. Any weapons that the other guys didn’t want, she’s had donated to the Rangers, and any money that would have been hers has gone to the people of Underwood (in her name). I don’t know if it’s possible to request a little extra experience in lieu of a reward, but if so, then cool. If not, that’s also cool.

[Knave]

For all his ability to lift the halberd, and perform the rudimentary swings with hand to gauge its weight, Ace was still forced to use one hand. The halberd swept low across the earth, its blood rusted blade swaying lush grass with its passing and with an effort that cost Ace nothing more than pain enough to grit his teeth, and he brought it up high stabbing towards the sky before swinging it down into the earth to rest on the earth to act as some grim crutch. The sapwood of its shaft, pressed at it was against Ace’s body, spoke of long months of spent within the flesh of that sinful behemoth. In coloration, what should have been young in terms of wood was dark, and the core and heart of that weapon could only be that much darker.

For what it was worth, this venture had not been to Lawrence’s benefit. For all his intent to do that fell beast its final injury, he had been wounded, and allowed some lesser—a scrub—to take the lead…a scrub whose power was designed for nothing less than stealing victory from that demon and all who would oppose him. Ace hung his head the effort to restrain his weariness not worth fighting, red hair matted with what could have been either sweat or blood, and turned a smile of admiration on the thing he pondered with resentment and ill-will, not a will to expressly punish sooner or later, but to spite at the first opportunity and when it was most advantageous. The shape-shifter however, had better things to—

“Are you done?” The medic said, shrugging her satchel from her shoulder, the medical implements of her trade clattering to announce the arrival of a number of number of blades and drugs; drugs which might numb the mind and blades that could sheer the bone. Ace cast a reproachful look at her, his beaten form a sorry sight though the blood was an aesthetic choice of fashion, something he wore to suit the moment and play the part. Dedicated to the illusion, Ace sighed in defeat.

“Not much left to do.” He said, hanging his head and sinking to the ground to prop himself up against his only trophy. He looked as if her attentions were inevitable, something he couldn’t escape with all the strength still left in his body, and waving her over, turned his face up to the august sky now dark with evening’s final hour. “Do you worry about everyone who runs toward some hideous end? Or just those silly souls who catch your eye?” He asked, weariness all too real wafting up from his blackened soul. He watched her jaw tighten, thought she would scold, and then saw her relax as she seized his shirt and eased him out of it with the aid of his upraised arms.

“You think you know what you are.” She said, catching his attention with some new deviation from what Ace had come to expect from those around him. When he moved to speak, she ignored him and continued over his replies, “For all that bravery, you haven’t got half the strength to back it up.” She said this as she lifted the chainmail from him, and pried his hand away from the ribs she feared broken, and he knew were little more than bruised…she was still right. “For what strength you have, it’s more than most, but you’ll never reach the ranks of any arena’s champion.” Prodding into what she thought was pulped flesh, the purple depression of flesh and skin painful to the sight, she looked into his expression and saw something more akin to resentment than agony. ”You’ll be dead before then.”

Sensing he had faltered, astonished more that he was doubted for all his aural confidence and bewitching glamour, Lawrence ended her line of thought with only a few words: “You’ve never seen anything like me before.” Out of ear shot from most anyone with ears enough to hear the wicked reverb in his tone, Lawrence issued his opinion to her, all dissent was a mere echo in her mind. “I’m fine, and you’re wrong, more wrong now than you’ve ever been in your life.” He was pushing for control, pushing beyond linear expression.

Living outside legends means compromise and reason.

The medic, Aristenna, met the odd change in tone with a raised eye brow, unsure of his intent, but unthreatened as she felt from broken bones she felt should be there, little shards of rib in places they shouldn’t be. Even if he was talkative, he was hurt, and she couldn’t return what might have been anger or abuse toward a patient. No matter how much he ignored his injuries to live a life toward hallowed glory. “You’ll learn or you won’t, but living outside legends means compromise and reason.” Aristenna furrowed her brow, feeling the bones turn and shift under her fingers but no break could be found.

A body without a soul.

“I live to disagree.” Ace said, his voice pushing the point as he pushed aside her hand, and caught her eye with his, brown eyes calling with the kind of desperation that appealed to extremes of emotion, heroics, and vice, calling things unreasonable the hallmarks of sanity... they were darker by the second, the loss of light suggesting some depth with greater meaning. “A life of compromise leaves a body without a soul.” To the touch, he had been weary and cold, but warmth surged at his touch, and his heart beat faster to contradict the weariness that had marked Ace as one for rest instead of more strife. “Don’t tell me a surgeons hand goes limp at the first sign of a struggle.”

She pulled at his fingers, instinct weakening her grasp, but she couldn’t name that sensation, later she would think of it fondly, and name it so many pleasant things, none accurate for that nameless, utterly spiritual, coercion. Resting his hand on his lap, forgetful to pull hers away, Aristenna urged him to rest and told him he was too injured to say silly things. Ace true to form inspired at all times some emotion, when he arrived it was confidence, when he fought it was daring, and when he could hardly stand it was a magnetic pity.

Beginning with a chuckle, and leading with lies she could only know were true, he kept her gaze as if she were in his hands and not the other way round. “Silly? Maybe, but pride provides—“ No act, Ace paused to breathe, the strain of this conversation compounding the beating prior. “Not in simple relief but resolve.” The power to speak and be heard, to communicate his message to the soul, sifted through the ears in little whispers to echo louder in the mind than the air through which it had been spoken. “You’ve called me a knave,” he said, drawing her into an illusion he lived, “thought me small for chasing vain glory, but I know good from right though, and I’ve spent time enough seeking sin to know where virtue lies.” His quiet fervor would have been holy had it come from a priest.

“And where is that?” She pulled away from him, retreating to her bag to her bag for alcohol to disinfect the wound Aristenna couldn’t understand—if she had had more training and proper corpses instead of books she supposed she might be done with Ace’s diagnosis. At the least Aristenna would know whether she could set aside her concern for his condition, whether that is cause for wonder or tragedy, good health or grave. She settled on a bottle alongside the cloth wrap, the contents of that vial the sweet yellow of honeyed morphine, though the more this conversation went, the more she remembered the smell, the casual scent of Radasanth’s opium became a phantom in the air. It was bitter sweet, the scent of self-destruction.

“In shackles of restraint.” Ace said, closing his hand over hers as it sought to silence him, she was insistent, his grasp felt so weak…but why couldn’t she move it? Ace felt a new surge of weariness welling from the use of his weakest skill, but his hand never trembled, and taking in one breath in shaking breathes he grimaced, his teeth bared in a predatory smile, he told her he had no need to be healed, “I won’t be subdued, not by drugs, not by pain.” Without taking hold of his weapon, never daring to need a crutch, Ace stood, and with quiet insistence pulled Aristenna to her feet.

Taken aback, unsure why, some sense of remorse forced on her without reason or any consent. She blinked, her expression remaining unimpressed, but when she opened her mouth to speak, he gave her a piece of his mind. “If there is any nobility left, it’s out here where wild magic makes war.”

There was a something between them in that moment, a casual understanding, wherever Ace was going it would be a place of strife, he would die there. She wanted to see it, not as some paltry spectacle, but something grand that reminded her there was more to the unknown than simple terror. “Just sit down!” Still an experienced hand at medical care, Ace having expended the last of his strength standing, she forced him back to the ground, and settled for antiseptic and bandages. “Whatever stupid feelings you have about life can wait until you can breathe without shaking legs.” It was not playful, or angry, and they both new it. Only ane anxiety to see what would happen next that surpassed love of country and home. Something all too human. “We’ll see about your silly adventures then.” She could not say when it had become we.

They would make their exit, no bold declaration of change, preference, or declaration would be made between Aristenna and her compatriots. Pausing for Ace to insist on taking on more token from the Makai’s horde, she would help him home, see him in the afternoon when he played ill, watch him in the arena to see him fritter away his life, and when he would leave Corone they both knew there was some great chance that they would part ways.

Spoils:

Mauvaisia: A rusted spear composition is as follows: A redwood was felled not long ago, and from its heart the shaft was carved, seven feet in length, two inch diameter. Its scarred surface has lost the polish and freshness of its birth as a fighting weapon, and the wounds that mar its supple wood are wounds of steel suffered with indomitable strength. At its bottom, it is fitted with a counter weight shaped in the form of a thice pronged bronze flame, and at its head is a blade that flares outward from the head of the wood, and down from its tapered tip to form something of a hand guard. It has a massive bronze spearhead too large for mortal men to reliably throw. It is a spear of combat, a spear of war. It possesses no special powers of any use, but it radiates the aura of a clearly dead demon, and those who have the power to sense evil will find it hard to distinguish the ambiance of this weapon from the subtleties of Lawrence Spades.

Ten feet of chain: The total weight of thirty pounds speaks for the strength of this addition to Lawrence's inventory, in length it is a simple ten feet of thick rusted links.

One Human Being: I'll be adding Aristenna to my familiar list, she'll serve as a medic of moderate skill with an education that leaves no one wanting more than herself.

[Zack Blaze]

Zack had been planning on taking credit for the defeat of the Makai. As a matter of fact, the youth had managed to beat his group to the church, a feat Zack chalked up to his being unharmed during the scuffle. He had gained his reward, and in a bout of kindness, informed his employers of the help he had during the brutal fight. To add to the effect, the teen had plastered smudges of red across his face, a faux shade of blood made from mixing and thick red goo with water. He had also dug his nails into places on his body that would be less painful than others, causing several scratches to also skim the surface of the fighter’s body.

He was given a monetary reward, and upon payment, made his way back into the forest, where he had originally found the severed hand of the Makai. After several days, the warrior began to watch the body of the beast slowly start to reform from the single limb. Humphrey was right, without the hand being burned with the rest of the body; the Makai was not properly exorcised. As such, the beast would regain his powers, albeit at an incredibly slow rate. In that time he would be exposed, weak, and ripe for the picking.

Several more days past, and soon, the entire body of the ogre was formed, his eyes closed as if he were in some sort of eternal slumber. When the Makai opened its eyes, it sat up and scanned its surroundings, finding Zack Blaze leaned up against a tree reading a book, oblivious to the world. The Makai stood, clenching a fist as he began to piece together what had happened, preparing to assault one of the soldiers who had slain him. He stood, taking several steps towards the boys, steps that rattled the nearby trees and should have, for all intents and purposes, alerted Zack. When he was within arms reach, the Makai threw his fist towards Zack, planning to mash the boy's head into pulp.

"Byica eh ouin ahtayjunc."

The words reached the ogre's ears, and for some reason, he could not bring his fist into the body of Zack. The teen closed his book, now revealing the cover to the beast. Makai's eyes widened as he pulled his fist back. He stood there, unable to attack Zack Blaze for as long as he knew the correct incantation.

"What do you want?" The Makai asked, Zack walking around the beast with a wry smile upon his features. He tucked the book underneath his arm, and brought his hands together. He rubbed his fingers against one another as if he had planned something truly sinister.

"Muscle. I can fight hand-to-hand, but I don't have physical strength. Your power levels are dramatically low right now, but I do not doubt that you could take my head off if need be. Therefore, I have an offer to make,” Zack walked to the front of the Makai, making sure to look the abomination straight in the eyes as he did so. "I save your life, so you serve me. Once your power is fully restored, I will release you from my captivity. Is that understood?"

"What if I refuse?" The Makai spoke, his words much more articulate than in their previous encounter, another perk granted by the spell book Zack held.

"Drah Tea Cmufmo."

The ogre fell to his knees, gripping the sides of his head. His skull felt as if it were slowly expanding, threatening to rip through his battle hardened flesh. The beast shook his head profusely, falling face first into the dirt. The dust cloud created from the impact did a good job of adding to the dramatic flair Zack was going for, puff of brown smog surrounding the 'frail' teen.

"STOP! IT HURTS! I'LL DO IT! JUST MAKE IT STOP!" Zack could clearly hear the beast's pleads, the tinge of pain bordering on crying. It was a sound he enjoyed. It was the sound of someone begging for their life.

"Cu meja,” Just like that, the pain was gone, and the Makai gained his composure, standing up straight. Zack continued wearing his smirk in a sort of 'I warned you' sort of fashion.

"I am called....the Makai."

"Then Makai will do," Zack said, as if using an extra word was an insult to his being, "I am Zack Blaze, your temporary master, and Althanas has absolutely no idea what it is in for now..."

((Spoils:

NPC Makai: Makai is an ogre Zack procured during an operation with Humphrey Nonyton. The beast is loyal to Zack and Zack alone, and has -2.0 x the speed of a normal Althanas warrior of level 0, but 2.0 x the strength, as well as a 1.5 x defense. Makai is only used in quests, and Zack feels he's too much of a liability in the citadel.

Makai's Spell Book: A book Zack bought with his reward money for 'slaying' the Makai. This text will allow Zack the knowledge for controlling the beast by telling him the words he needs to say to make Makai obey. Never used in a citadel fight, this is obviously a quest exclusive item.

I request no GP to explain the buying of the book. In fact, go ahead and take all of my money away to compensate for it.))

[Zerith]

Hunting Makai...

As I usually do, I’d like to first apologize for the wait the four of you had to endure and say that I really appreciate your patience. After going through the past few months staring at numbers everyday (all thanks to doing taxes for people), doing a judgment here was a nice change.

But now let’s go on to what you guys really want. The actual rubric.

As always, feel free to contact me if any of you have questions.


Plot Construction: 18/30

Story: 5/10 – You guys have all written threads here before, so it’s obviously no surprise that this story had the key things any good stories needs. While reading the thread, I felt like one of the major troubles with this thread was the rising action. The introductions between the characters took nearly as long as the actual fight against the Makai. It was as if the characters were like, “Hi Ace? I’m Zack. Looks like the thing went that way- Oh there it is. LET’S FIGHT!”

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that nobody really likes a thread that just goes on and on without any sign of a conclusion. The point I’m trying to get across is that I think you guys could have at least done something with a initial encounter where the heroes are forced to flee only to regroup and come back with a vengeance. Instead I felt like you tried to sum up the thread in three stages which would be the introductions, the fight against the Makai and the conclusions. Yes, there were hints that there could be something deeper going on behind the scenes, but I think it was lost underneath the premise of having this Makai be some sort of boss battle.


Strategy: 7/10 – You four were pretty solid here in my opinion. I knew right from the start that Humphrey was going to be the one with the least amount of trouble harming the Makai, while Christina’s use of Rosebite and the other Rangers was clever and was appropriate. I will admit that I had a little bit of difficulty trying to see where Ace fit into the progression of the story, but that quickly disappeared when his fight against the Makai was underway. As for Zack, well I wasn’t exactly sure what his purpose was in the story. He mostly seemed to be just a minor, secondary character for the entire thread. In fact, I don’t think he had a major impact on the thread until the very end where it was finally clear he would get something out of the experience. Once I read your profiles, everything clicked.


Setting: 6/10 – The setting was straightforward. At first I had to draw a mental map while asking, “Okay, are they on a road on in the forest”, but by the time I was on the second page I had a better understanding of where the characters were. Your descriptions of a forest after a ogre trampled through it were logical, trees uprooted and a creepy silence from the other woodland creatures. My questions though are don’t you think the group would have hear commotion from various birds getting the hell out of dodge when an ogre approached? Or don’t you think that they could probably even hear the thunderous sound of it marching through the bush long before it roared at them? A few weeks ago I was challenged to close my eyes for a minute and write down everything I could hear, and afterwards I was surprised with just how much I had written. The point I’m trying to make is that setting is more than just visual things, obvious roars and booms of thunder one can expect to see in a story. Even little details can make big differences. Knave’s mentioning of the wind and how it feels is a good example of this.


Characterisation: 17/30

Continuity: 6/10 – I knew where the thread took place according to the lore, and knew how it fit into the current cannon in Corone (mostly among the whole Rangers/Empire thing). Yet I was still scratching my head at a few things. Firstly, I thought Haidia was no more, or at least evacuated only to become something known as “Haide” on the surface of Althanas? I could be wrong; maybe the whole idea was scrapped. I am fairly certain that it wasn’t a whole other ‘realm’ though, more just an underground region at one point. Either way, mention of it was big enough to stop and think “Wait, that isn’t right. Is it?”

To be honest, I felt like it was Christina that did the best job of establishing how this story would affect Althanas, Especially when it came to Underwood and the Rangers. While I wouldn’t say it was enough for me to want to get involved in the Empire/Ranger struggle, it was certainly enough to catch my interesting. As for Humphrey, you played with the role of the Akashiman Warders. I just feel like there wasn’t enough information presented to catch interest. My suggestion would be to try and see if you can find any from the past.

Interaction: 5/10 – Your characters are definitely willing to accept recruits without questions asked. I mean don’t you think it was kind of off how they were so open to accepting the help of one another? Wouldn’t you be a little wary if some kid approached you and claimed he was working on the same job you were but was just hired before you? Or if some guy just waltzed out of the woods and introduced himself, wouldn’t you be a little confused? I know you needed to get introductions done, but it seemed unnatural. Christina’s acceptance of the others was justified due to the simple fact that there were in the middle of fighting the Makai. “The enemy of my enemy is my friend,” right?

While most of the interaction came off as uninteresting, the parts in Christina’s first post and when Knave spoke with Aristenna where some of the few I found interesting. Humphrey and Father Kadmus was another close example, even if it really sounded like an ending to a game of D&D.

Character: 6/10 – You guys have been playing on Althanas for awhile, so it’s not really surprising to see that you know how to play your characters. Christina and Knave were the ones I had the easiest time understanding how they came to make their decisions, although I did have a little trouble picturing Knave at first. Humphrey’s physical description helped a lot here as well. However I’m afraid to say that other than the that, the fact that he’s a kitsune, a warder and somewhat spiritual are the only things I really know about him. I don’t know what you have planned for him, but I suggest mapping out future events for him and how his character is either developed or changed. As for Zack, I have a small understanding of what you want to do with him in terms of long term goals. Yet I don’t think this thread really did anything for him. Like I mentioned earlier, he was more of a secondary character that ending up getting what he wanted out of the encounter in the end.



Writing Style: 19/30


Creativity: 6/10: Christina’s intro into the story and how she fit in was a nice difference from the other three and the frequent use of NPC’s both in the fight and out of it. So while it was the four major characters against the Makai, I couldn’t help but be reminded that they technically didn’t do it alone. Knave’s (in my personal opinion) writing was the most well written, the way it sounded when I tried to read part of his aloud seemed to flow well, almost like poetry in some sections. Humphrey, you’re writing is unique in a way. To the point where I just had to read your first post and I knew who you were. Even Zack’s more short and straightforward style was recognizable. What I’m getting at here is that while you all have your own, unique styles of writing that I’ve come to be able to identify. I feel like some of you didn’t really try to improve or develop anything. I’m not complaining, I know this thread was all about kill the big ugly thing and being heroes. But as a reader, I didn’t feel like I learned anything about writing from this.

Come on guys, teach me something new. I know you can do it

Mechanics: 7/10 – Mostly solid here with the occasional typo here and there. Humphrey had a few spots where sentences would have flowed much more nicely through the use of comma’s and I think Knave got tired or excited near the end, as he was typing the same word twice (Such as “to her bad to her bad”, or “she had had more training”) I know I’ve done it numerous times as well, so it’s something we both need to keep an eye out for.

One thing I want to briefly mention, Humphrey, is the use of “it’s” vs. “its”. It’s is a contraction for “it is” or “it has”, while its is a possessive pronoun. There were a few places where you used one instead of the other, such as.

“

It's soul was consecrated in the ritualistic teachings of the warders.”

A good way to fix things like this is to try and replace it with “it is”, or “it has”. If it doesn’t fit, then you know it should probably be “its.”

As always, try to edit just before submitting like Christina did. Yes, I noticed.

Clarity: 6/10 – I didn’t have too much trouble reading the thread, though I did have to reread a few section during the fight. I also felt like the small part with the ogre in the first page was a little distracting and mostly used just as an excuse to get straight to the fight. The fact that you chose not to have a basic posting order was a little distracting as well, especially during the fight and trying to figure out who was doing what. The part where Zack was told by Humphrey that the entire Makai needed to burn also threw me off. I even felt compelled to go and try to confirm it. Other than those issues I was able to type the majority of this immediately after reading the thread.



Wild Card: 5/10 - Despite the fact that the story seemed to be clumped into sections and that it really appeared to be more of a boss battle that anything else, it was a overall enjoyable thread. My major suggestion would be to have a posting order when doing something like this again just to make it easier to sort out what is going on during the chaos. Other than that, thanks for the read guys.


Final Score: 59!!


Rewards:

Humphrey_Nonyton receives 720 exp and 300 gold from the clergy. He also get his spoils pending approval by one of the RoG mods!

Zack receives 700 exp and his spoils, provided the Makai gets approved by the RoG mods. He also loses all of his gold in order to pay for the book.

Knave receives 850 exp, the new weapon, some chain and a new human companion pending approval at his next level update!

Christina Bredith receives 970 exp!! Any weapon she would have obtained go to the Rangers and any of the Empire’s coin goes to the city of Underwood.

[Silence Sei]

Exp-GP Added.