I want to start off by saying that this was an enjoyable read, and that it is nice to see someone roleplaying a character from Earth in an actually decent manner. But now, onto what you really care about; the judging. As you requested, this will be the full rubric with full commentary; if you have any further questions for me, you can direct them to my inbox.
Story: 6.5
I was actually quite impressed with this category, especially with the introduction and conclusion parts of the thread; while Sergei's story may be a little open-ended on both ends (the when of Earth he was from, what part of Russia, involvement before coming to Althanas, and any further goals now that he had come to Althanas), it wasn't terribly so, and this helped further put me in his shoes. Your rising action was well-written, but I wasn't too impressed, and the climax of the little spat left me a little wanton for more interaction; in a sense, it was too short, I felt, and could have been expanded upon. Other than that, you did pretty well.
Strategy: 10
It's not often that I give this score, so give yourself a slap on the back for a job well done. The 'strategy' section of a thread is defined as the usage of a character's personality, skills, abilities and background to organize and construct a thread, and you did this, in my opinion, perfectly. Not once did I have to look at your profile to understand a single thing about Sergei; from the way he swore, his comparison of John to the "old breed" to the way he took down the thugs bespoke everything a Russian soldier should be. Once again, congratulations.
Setting: 6/10
This too was done pretty well. From the way you described the smell of the "fetid air" to the room of the diner, I was given a nice seasoning of visuals. However, at the same time, I felt you could have put forth more into the setting, and really given it some vibrancy. A tip I have is to use more descriptive terms; they really make the scene come alive.
Continuity: 6/10
This was another section I felt you did consistent on. Some places you really made Althanas stand out from Earth, especially in your second and latter posts, but I wished you had expanded more on his adaption from Earth to Althanas; such as what had he been doing before coming to this land? Where had first awoken? And most importantly, just when was this going on? That was perhaps the most important thing that I found lacking.
Character: 4/10
While your usage of your character's personality was fundamental in Strategy, I honestly found some things about Sergei to be, well, rather lackluster at times. For example; how he'd seemed to be so accepting that he was in a different realm rather than just a different time period; that threw me off slightly. I understood that he was taking this as a "new beginning", but it all seemed rather, well, too easy for me to believe a former high-performance Russian soldier would take it all in so easily. There were times when this was redeemed, however; especially in Sergei's "old breed" comparison of John and his little ritual in the beginning.
You would have had a higher score, save for the fact I didn't get a real physical description of Sergei anywhere in the thread; leaving it utterly to my imagination. John's appearance was well-written, however, and so was Mathias's; just apply that to Sergei himself next time.
Interaction: 6.5
All in all this was logical and consistent, but otherwise dull, save for a couple instances; Sergei's little struggle with the bandit duo and his initial talk with John, for which I added an extra point and a half in, respectively.
Creativity: 6
There were a couple points in your writing that I felt you were stepping out of the box and pushing the envelope in terms of literary techniques, but they were few and far between. Of note were; "The crowd noises were muted by the narrow stone walls, the air still, warm and fetid. The sound of glass lightly scraping stone somewhere ahead in the gloom marked the shift of a trash heap." And; "John had once again proved a fount of knowledge, and a welcome friend." Both of which were unexpected sentences that impressed me.
Mechanics: 3
Surprisingly, this is where you did the worst. Three words; semicolons, semicolons, semicolons! I can count at least twenty places where a simple semicolon would have turned a run-on sentence into a well-written, descriptive sentence, and would have helped wonderfully in your next section, Clarity. You seem to have trouble connecting topics and separating them as well in your writing; don't be afraid to use the word "and" sometimes. Also, I caught a few misspellings here and there, so be sure to keep an eye out for those next time.
Clarity: 3
This section was the worst at the beginning and ending parts of the thread, mostly, and I won't lie; your lack of using connective semicolons to separate topics in a sentence hurt it. A lot. I had to re-read a lot of the posts to make sure I completely understood what was going on, especially your main combat post and the one where Sergei was blasted by magic.
Wildcard: 6
Despite the issues with clarity and mechanics, this was a quite enjoyable read for a Wednesday night, and I hope to read more from you in the future.
FINAL SCORE: 57/100
Karenlinski gains 650 EXP and 100 GP's.
Submit Thread for Judgment
