Alix & Esme

[The International]

Spoils... a doozie.

Note: Everyone but Vespasian is an NPC. I will never use them in battles without the permission of the opponent, and even then they are not to provide tactical support.

Alix Villeneuve
While Alix is free of the Enarlin curse she is still a tree nymph and she has adopted a few conditions and attributes. Unless stated otherwise the Rowan Tree that she is the representative spirit of is safe aboard The International in a pot next to the master quarter’s window.

Chlorophyll Skin: While in areas of sunlight the skin cells along her shoulders and collar bone can be flooded with chlorophyll to make food out of the light. This skin must be bare, which is why she now has an updated wardrobe of removable straps and sleeves. She also must be properly hydrated for this process to work, and it results in a sweet smelling perspiration on her shoulder line.

The Soul Blossom: The only one of these nymph abilities with any consistent tactical value. Alix now has a flower that looks no different than an aquilegia or columbine situated on her left ear. It looks like a decoration but it is actually a part of her body. It is a complex and ethereal flower, with five blue pedals that reach out to form a naturally occurring pentagram. In the center of the pentagram, where the pollen would be, is instead filled with tiny fuzzy thorns. When an enemy comes dangerously close, these thorns will shoot out and inject their poison into the victim immediately consuming their soul. The Soul Flower will store the soul within the berries of Alix’s Rowan Tree for a six day ripening period and for that period the soul can be recovered by cutting off the berries before they ripen. After they are ripened, however, Alix can eat these berries to leave her tree, which she is otherwise bound to. The range of the thorns on the Soul Blossom are no more than a few feet and their accuracy isn’t good unless the enemy is right up on Alix. They can penetrate most types of cloth, but they cannot penetrate leather or stronger.

Flora’s Favor: While Alix is away from her Rowan Tree plant life all around her will do anything to keep her comfortable and safe. Flowers might experience accelerated growth, elephant leaves might lean over to provide shade, aurum plants may provide heat in the cold night. Unfortunately most plants aren’t as dangerous as the Soul Blossom, or as mighty as a root walker.

Botany Sense: A branch of biology that involves the scientific study of plant life. Botany covers a wide range of scientific disciplines concerned with the study of plants, algae and fungi, including structure, growth, reproduction, metabolism, development, diseases, chemical properties, and evolutionary relationships among taxonomic groups. Alix is now an expert in this field now due to her connection to plants. She can also track down a particular type of plant using a sixth sense hence her ability to locate the Treasure Tree on Posts # 9&10

Ludivine Villeneuve
Illusion Mist: The mist that Ludivine has used for stealth purposes has now reached new heights. She is now able to become the mist. During this time she is invulnerable, but harmless. She can also move through spaces more than a centimeter wide.

Vespasian Villeneuve
The Conduit: This is a delyn schiavona. This is a unique sword that deserves a bit of explanation. It is basket hilted, but the basket’s complex design is made to completely cover the user’s hand thus making it almost as effective as a gauntlet for protection. It weighs in at a whopping 2.9 lbs with a blade length of 40”. The blade is of a diamond cross-section and has a single, narrow fuller and an unsharpened ricasso area to allow a finger to be passed over the guard and through the finger-ring. I'm willing to take reduced gold for this item.

Intuitive Aptitude: The first of Vespasian’s abilities as Khal’jeren’s Panexicon - the ability to understand the structure and operation of complex systems without special education or training. This extends to supernatural abilities that are possessed by others. As another demonstrates their ability Vespasian is able to figure out how it works and gain the ability for use himself. The catch a) he must witness the use of the ability at least once, b) he can only store three abilities at a time, c) once he figures out an ability he must decide whether to use it at the other person’s level only once, or store it at his level for unlimited frequency d) the limits of the other person’s abilities are his own as well.

At the moment the only ability he has adopted is Neesal Danfras’ teleportation ability, hence the elaborate description of the event on Post # 13. However, he doesn’t even know he has it at the moment.


Reputation
Alerar: The Villeneuves are now exclusive to Alerar and have decided to work for her interests at home and abroad. They also have non-official covers as low level nobility within the Aleraran society, the exact titles of which I will leave to you to decide.

Raiaera: For those who still believe that Raiaera is still a nation, the Villeneuves are as bitter an enemy as Alerar. If it weren’t for them perhaps Alerar wouldn’t occupy half of their lands right now. They are burned spies, but this information has only reached mid level government officials of the destroyed Raiaeran power structure.

Beinost: The movers and shakers of the city that replaced Anebrilith consider themselves above the race war that consumes Alerar and Raiaera. Most of them hold no animosity towards the Villeneuve Family… but they owe Beinost a favor or two.

Everyone Else: The government of Alerar will drag its feet to announce to the other nations that the Villeneuve Family is working for them now, but with information being so loose in the tattered remains of Raiaera it’ll only be a matter of time before other nations find out. There will be a small window of opportunity during which the other nations will be ignorant of the family’s status.

[Breaker]

Music: Laces Out by USS
Mood: Content

Many thanks for waiting on this judgment... I hope to make it worth your while. I feel it's important to take into consideration the fact that your writing style has evolved since the completion of this thread, so I'll keep my commentary mostly concise. Anywhere that you'd like further elaboration/examples, just let me know, but I don't want to spend a whole paragraph explaining an adjustment you've already made :P

A lot of this might seem like jargon, but if you can catch me on AIM I'll give you some specific references and instructions that should help quite a bit.

Plot Construction ~ 21/30

Story ~ 6.5/10 - Overall you did a decent job of telling a complex story with multiple protagonists and antagonists, and of tying up the loose ends. You left me wanting to know what's next for the family, and curious about the details of the past lives of the other Villeneuves. The issue in this category was mainly the rising action, and your tendency to blend explanations and information with often passive action. This ties in to the next two categories, so keep on reading. In brief, many of the adjustments I'd advise stem from your habit of "telling" when you should be "showing", and I think you could develop a stronger narrative voice by focusing on fewer protagonists for a thread or two and making your voice less omniscient.

Strategy ~ 7.5/10 - The sheer number of skills and abilities you portrayed in this story was impressive, as was your evident understanding of Althanas' unique brand of magic. However the execution of the action was often anticlimactic. The "flow" of your action sequences was often interrupted by non-tangible text (i.e. explanations, reflections), and when it wasn't your overuse of passive voice kept things slow. Mind you did have some great moments of clarity, but too often I felt parts of this story that should have excited and thrilled me were actually some of the hardest to get through. There are a few technical things you can learn to permanently get rid of these problems, but in the meantime it might help to read your action sequences out loud, and try to suspend your disbelief as though you're reading it for the first time. Oftentimes you may find that beautifully written sentences do not always read so well, especially in the middle of a combat scene.

Setting ~ 7/10 - Again, your knowledge and use of Althanas lore amazed me (in fact, if you could provide a bibliography I'd love to read the sources you used), but certain disconnections kept me from making this a top-level score. This links back to what I said about narrative voice - I found a lot of your sensory perceptions of the environment to be almost incidental, certainly they were outshone by the more omniscient descriptions. This balance should be reversed, with the extra info considered bonus. Keeping the sensory perceptions of the protagonist(s) will root the reader in the moment, in the setting you design, so they can fully enjoy it.

Characterisation ~ 25/30

Continuity ~ 8/10 - I had only a few brief qualms with your characterisation, all of which I can touch on here. First of all, the dialogue (even that of the Elves) sounded distinctly Earthy. While there is no established standard for what Althanas characters "should" sound like, reading quips like bitch please, coffee table, and quite a few others rattled your flow considerably. In addition, Targon's dialogue sounded distinctly non-princley at times.

Interaction ~ 8.5/10 - You write great dialogue, and good body language, but I'd like to see a little more effort dedicated to making the interaction reflect the setting (Althanas).

Character ~ 8.5/10 - You have great understanding of your characters, and the ability to write great prose. What you fail to do on occasion is put the two together effectively. Rather than providing constant explanations as to why or how your characters do things, try to find ways to let the story show those details to the reader. And that's the other thing... internal explanations aren't necessarily bad, but they can be much stronger if embodied in the narrative voice of a specific character.

Writing Style ~ 22/30

Creativity ~ 9/10 - The sheer creativity, the variety of the elements you put together to build this story, commanded a high score. As to literary devices, you used them very effectively on occasion, but at times you allowed sentence structuring to take away from the most beautiful metaphors.

Mechanics ~ 6/10 - The number and variety of errors here made me wonder about the amount of time you spent editing. I didn't take notes most of the time but here's a few I jotted down... use of "isles" (meaning islands) instead of "aisles" (between bookshelves), "manor" instead of "manner", "base" instead of "bass".

Clarity ~ 7/10 - In order to improve further I think you may need to take a step back and consider your approach to stories, as well as your approach to the construction of each post. I often felt that posts in this thread were "too long", either because they needed stronger editing to become more concise or (more frequently) because they should have been broken into 2-3 shorter posts. This is easier said then done, but developing this skill will not only improve your short game, but add clarity and organisation to your plot development.

Wildcard: 8/10 - I have almost a page of unedited notes, so it'll be the work of a moment to provide specific examples for each category. PM me any questions if I'm not online :P

Total ~ 76/100 Well done - if this weren't a good read, I would not have made it through the whole thing.

Spoils: Everything you requested except the sword has to go through the RoG, but I have the feeling you've got a level coming up.

The International receives 1900 EXP and...

The Conduit: This is a delyn schiavona. This is a unique sword that deserves a bit of explanation. It is basket hilted, but the basket’s complex design is made to completely cover the user’s hand thus making it almost as effective as a gauntlet for protection. It weighs in at a whopping 2.9 lbs with a blade length of 40”. The blade is of a diamond cross-section and has a single, narrow fuller and an unsharpened ricasso area to allow a finger to be passed over the guard and through the finger-ring.

[Breaker]

Exp / GP added. Archived.

The International passes level 2!