The Dreary Screaming Of Leslie Levine

[Hallow]

The only thing that comforted Hallow as he retrieved his knife with a tug of sorcerous energy was the knowledge, the safety of knowing that it would all be temporary. Unlike Lodekai, who had been trapped in servitude until her master finally succumbed to the fate of all necromancers (if he had not yet fallen, it would not be long before the Council found him), he had the opportunity to be free of his burdens after he had performed the service he had been conscripted to do.

He sliced into the ham and cut himself another modest slice, before setting the blade onto the hefty chopping board he reserved solely for meat (hygiene was important for a living necromancer) and looked out of the window.

“A troll…a whore, a blade singer, a guard, a baker’s daughter and a horse…”

It was hardly the menagerie of talent, skill and honour he had hoped to have delivered to John Baldock for the purpose of temporarily reuniting him with his niece, but he guessed it would have to do.

He clicked his fingers, and the readymade kindling in the heart of the aga burst into flames, a well flexed cantrip surfaced from his mind long enough to remember it existed before it fell into nothingness beneath surgical precision and lung excavation. A plume of smoke seeped through the grill on the top of the red and well-kept aga, and set his nostrils twitching with the familiar smell of wood smoke before it continued upwards and out of the immense chimney which connected the many fireplaces in the tower together.

As he wove around the table, plucking leaves from the bunches of dried seasoning herbs that hung in between the pots and pans which were suspended from old meat hooks and bent rusty nails, he looked back over the conversation he had had with the liche in the study. It had, he thought, not gone quite to plan, but in the grand scheme of things he had seeded in the necromancer’s mind a vine of doubt. He would deliver his riposte and the point of Calvin’s erroneous life before they left and set Malefor silent to make the journey over the haunted city surface bearable.

“Trying to get through to him,” he said aloud, dropping the herbs into the skillet and carrying it with both hands to the aga, “is like speaking to dead people.”

The hiss of hot metal touching cold, cast iron and grease caked cooking utensil filled the kitchen with life. He skipped to the window and took down a small vial, which he uncorked and sniffed, just to make sure it wasn’t blood or worse, before he poured the sunflower oil in a spiralling drizzle into the pan.

It did not take long for the Tower of Ravens to smell like the Tower of Pigs, and the satisfying smell of bacon made Ashley’s stomach rumble and Malefor question what it was he was feeling. If he had not been mistaken, he was almost certain he felt hungry, but passed it off as a magical disturbance as he polished his knives and set about dissecting the unused stallion’s kidney to keep his mind occupied.

Whispers of cackling and happy whistling of a content house husband drifted out through the windows, over the wall, and into the haywire sounds of howling dogs, cackling vagabonds and the recently deceased.

Spoils:

The Tower of Ravens: Now features a kitchen, study, library, surgery room, store room and balcony at it's peak.

The Moral Schism: Even Hallow is becoming more and more uncertain of what the Orders moral compass is pointing at. His alignment is now True Chaotic.

[Venessian]

Where to start, where to start...

Is what I would be asking, if I didn't have a rubric!

Plot Construction

Story ~ 5/10 - When I started reading this solo I was all hopes and dreams for the future. I was in a city full of the undead, there was a colorful young enigma of a necromancer to greet me, and liches popped out of the woodwork (literally). Buuut, I'm really sorry to say, that I felt things went downhill from there. I found myself wishing you went into more detail on the backgrounds of the simulacrum's "borrowed" spirits. You really had something going there, but blasted right past them as if you had some more important information to get to (but I never found it). Over all, the story was really just one prolonged conversation between Hallow and Malefor with a single setting change. That wouldn't be a bad thing if executed masterfully, but this story was not. Don't be discouraged though! Your major talent seems to be in giving life (or unlife) to your characters, so read on.

Strategy ~ 5/10 - The one time I got a real feel for Hallow's competency as a wizard was when he summoned the Grimoire Graviga. Even Malefor kind of looked at him like "Whoa! Cool." Just remember to avoid using your powers for evil. And by evil, I mean cliche. I can't count the number of times I've seen/read an action/comedy where someone throws a knife at someone else for being snarky, and narrowly misses. It seemed like a bit of an overreaction for someone that was thinking of Malefor as "master" just a few posts prior. But I understand that Hallow was hungry, and maybe a little grumpy too. I must admit, I found a bit of enjoyment in how animated Hallow's actions are, even if it's something as mundane as fetching an item from a cupboard.

Setting ~ 6.5/10 - One of your strong points. While I thought that Hallow's home was somewhat under described, I enjoyed the sights and sounds of Bienost in your introductory posts. I knew where the furniture was placed around the room, and got a feel for the condition of it all, but it was very need-to-know basis. The setting did not go very far beyond the few things that Hallow himself interacted with. I have no idea what the rest of Hallow's dwelling looks like, or how it appears from outside. You touched on smell with formaldehyde, but try and draw comparisons to drive the point home. Few people may have ever smelled embalming fluid, but most people have smelled vinegar. The two are similar in scent, and will help your reader identify. Don't ignore tactile senses.


Total ~ 16.5/30

Characterization

Continuity ~ 8/10 – You're going to make a lot of hardworking people very happy if you keep using canon the way that you do. I read the previous solo before this one, as well as the judging, and I'd like to say that you delivered another segment that found a cozy little nook in the Althanas world. That being said, I had to lower your score in this area because I think you've done it better before. You left Bienost outside when you came in from the balcony in your introduction, and that's pretty much where it stayed. But, still a high score because it was a nice backdrop throughout the rest of your thread. Necromancer in a city of necromancy. Good job Hallow.

Interaction ~ 6/10 – This was hard to score for me. At first I wanted to say that Hallow didn't interact with much beyond conversation with Malefor, but I read through for a third time, and I suppose that wasn't true at all. While I didn't get a super clear sense of how it felt to see the world through Malefor's eyes, he did react to the enchantment, albeit, only briefly. Hallow manipulated the world around him. Although it was somewhat ordinary, one of the clearest images in the whole thread was the young wizard simply carving himself a piece of pork. I thought it fit nicely with Hallow's knowledge of surgical tools and the previous mention of the poor horse that got all cut up (more graphically than the rest of the dead contributors). I would have given you the extra point in strategy for that comparison to his skills, but because I'm pretty sure it was accidental, look for that point in wild card instead.

Character ~ 7/10 – It all started for me when Malefor popped up in the floor. How terribly rude! I'd say for about ninety percent of the thread, you managed to walk a thin line between zany and serious. You obviously feel comfortable writing characters, so instead, I'm going to focus more on where you could stand to improve. Remember, for starters, how little time actually passes between posts in this thread. What, maybe an hour from start to finish? And yet, Hallow runs a SERIOUS gamut of emotions, from quiet musing, to mirth, to near homicidal violence. That's not so bad, but it didn't seem like it took much provocation to cause these mood swings. Try and keep emotion consistent. Although it probably took you a good long while to write it, it only took me a matter of minutes to read it, and because it was all one scene, the inconsistent feelings were a bit of a set back. Maybe it's because they're roommates, but Malefor and Hallow seem to rub off on each other's personalities. I suggest a simple writing exercise called a character sketch. You've probably done it in school before, but its a useful writer's tool. On a single page, write down all of Hallow's character traits, then on another page, write down all of Malefor's. Now take your character sketches, and cross off the adjectives that overlap. With what's left, take those traits and play up on them when the two characters are in the same room. It will help separate the two, because sometimes race isn't enough.

Total ~ 21/30

Writing Style

Creativity ~ 6/10 - I like the poem (or rather, lyrics, i think?) at the start, as well as the little picture, but I have to consider that a full post of this eleven-post thread was someone else's words and art. What I would LOVE to see in future posts is perhaps you subbing out other people's words that inspire you, with a short poem that you write yourself, or dare I say, even your own artwork. As I know that Jack Ingram wasn't thinking of you when he wrote that, I have a hard time drawing any meaning or comparison from it. It seems to be an ongoing theme in your work, so why not make it your own? That being said, you still scored higher in this because I detected moderate usage of metaphors and similes throughout. It doesn't outshine any of your past work, though.

Mechanics ~ 3.5/10 - Why so low? Lack of proofreading. Pure and simple. In the future, when you're staring that "submit for judging" button in the face, resist the temptation. Instead, have someone on the site, in school, or at home have a read first. It might seem trivial, but the words you used instead of the correct versions have DRASTICALLY different meanings (I actually imagined Hallow cleaning dirty bowels off of his kitchen table. HILARIOUS!). Hopefully this low scoring will drive home the need to proofread every single time. Make sure your words mean what you want them to and don't just sound pretty. There were a few instances where I knew what you were trying to say, but you used the wrong adjective. No one does a perfect first draft. Ever. Period. And don’t rely on spell check on your word processor. Its not as smart as you might think.

Clarity ~ 7/10 - Transitions between Malefor's granted visions were very clean. It flowed back and forth from the visions and current events without being confusing in the slightest. Setting changes in the story were fairly seamless, largely in part to the fact that there just weren't very many of them. Because the characters were pretty well defined, I didn't have much trouble figuring out who was speaking, even if it wasn't obviously stated. Only misuse of words tripped me up. Clear, concise, and an over all smooth read. High score.

Total ~ 16.5/30

Wildcard: ~ 7/10

I really would like to ask why you decided on the title, if not just to continue a theme. I assume Leslie Lavign will play a bigger role in this saga at a later date (or has already in a thread I haven't read), but as far as I can tell, Hallow had completely forgotten about her by breakfast time. Did you just end up straying from the original goal? Or did I miss something?

Like I alluded to earlier, I love quirky characters and banter, and you write it like it's second nature to you. You also are very talented when it comes to describing setting. If you just spent a bit more time on it in each post, they would be a lot of fun and a good short read. Polish your words and make them shine!

Grand Total ~ 61/100

Gold: 200
Exp: 610
Spoils: Seeing as you didn't really request anything above and beyond, I gave you a little boost to your gold.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added.