gilded leaves make poor thieves

[Hysteria]

Haro had intercepted the swordsman before Talen and the man crossed blades. Talen sniffed the air with indigence. The shadow puppeteer turned back to the caravan hand dipped his hand back into his pouch and dropped the caltrops back in. The young warrior knew that he had to end this quickly, and the best way to end something quickly was to flood it. “Be like water” as his old master used to say, “Water washes away even the strongest rock.”

Talen lifted his left hand above his head. Darkness twisted from the space just above his palm and twirled around each other and lifted up to a spot a foot above his hand. The darkness thickened and formed into another black rose. Talen didn’t have much time to think, the ogre kicked aside some of the barrels and charged towards the youth. Talen smiled, he lifted his left hand and pointed his palm towards the snarling humanoid. The bluish creature charged as Talen released volatile energy in the form of a black liquid. The spray struck the creature in the face, causing him to stumble to a stop. He worked furiously to wipe away the blinding mess, as Talen lifted his right hand, still holding the sword up to the spray. He flicked his wrist and triggered the device at his wrist. A spark clicked out and stuck the spray. The black liquid ignited and flames ripped across the ogre.

The beast roared with anger and it furiously batted the flames across its face. Talen gripped his sword with both hands and walked forwards. With a powerfully swing Talen struck the unprotected ogre’s neck. Talen pulled back the sword in a spray of blue blood and swung again, severing the creature’s head.

One down….

[Haro Hailblade]

Haro searched around for his allies, they were all preoccupied with their own battles, and it looked like it was going down hill. Haro notice several of the swordsmen were now heading his way. Haro charged into them, The first sword came close, but missed as he continued through the mass of steel and furry. The second sword was blocked as Haro weaved right, moving out of its path and into another. Barely raising his sword in time Haro jumped left and sprinted between the last two and barely missing one blade, and caching one tip in the side. Haro started hopping up the barrels and onto a roof. He started scribing scrolls as the others continues their battles, looking up words as he went.

this should take two turns, its going to be about 4 scrolls depending on what's happening.

[Atenathon]

(ooc)hope you don't mind if I join in.(/ooc)

The sound of metal clashing and cries of battle. The only thing that the dragoni knew better than the back side of his hand. He drew his steel short sword and charged into battle. The guard of the caravan were over taking a small band of misfit fighters. The caravan guard was beating them. Attenathon was about to assist the caravan when he noticed the golden leaves guild insignia on one of the carriages. He quickly changed targets to a small group of guards.
He pulled from deep within, gently touching a part of his soul that held the light within. And with a single thought brought it to his left hand. He threw the orb of light at the group of guards that he was charging twards and then waded into them as one would wade into water. slashing left and feinting right. Blocking a blow to the head and swining the blade so hard the man lost controle of his sword and then slashing his throat. Then trunning just in time to catch another blow to the side and return the favor by slashing the arm, disarming the man, and opening his head.

[Haro Hailblade]

(ooc) Yeah, thats cool. I am just kind of finishing it up for points and stuff. (ooc/)
Haro Looked up to see a new companion in the fight. As he continued in the fight Haro looked back to his paper and pen. He wasn't going to be able to finish them all in time. Only one scroll compleatly done and things were looking bad. All he needed was one to get them out of the fight. Even with the hand full of guards It was still not looking good. Everyone was at the end of their rope. Just something flashy, lots of fire. Fire, Haro looked down at the barrels and decided to finish the second fire scroll. He had a plan, risky, but if it worked It would scare off the guard or give them time to retreat. Haro could only pray that it was the prior. If they had to run, he feared they may be hunted like dogs. And at that point if the golden leaves didn't get them, the bandits or bounty hunters would.

[Atenathon]

Atenathon finished the last of his two men in the group with their own weapons. Ducking under one ax to let it strike its wielder's companion on the abdomen and open his armor, Atenathon came back up along with his blade into the armpit of the axman. The man fell and Atenathon rose. He noticed a scribe sitting inside the city on top of some barrels. A few guards were charging in his direction past a shadow puppeteer. Atenathon intercepted and stuck down the first man form behind, slicing his hamstring and stepping off of his shoulder into another. Haro Dodged a pole arm and ducked under a sword. "Whatever you are doing, you better finish up and Get out of here Scribe!," Atenathon shouted. "Your likely to get torn apart if you stay with this riff raff." Atenathon caught a blow to the shoulder from the pole arm and body slammed the swords man in his attempt to avoid the pole arm. The swords man grabbed him and Atenathon struggled to get out of his grip. The man wielding the pole arm swung the but of his weapon and struck Atenathon's face. The pole arm swung again and Atenathon dropped his weight just in time for the blade to hit the swordsman right in the helmet. Freed from the restraint Atenathon bashed the helmet of the pole arm guard and followed up with his blade to the throte.

[Haro Hailblade]

"I would move if I were you! Unless you enjoy getting scorched." Haro shouted back. The last word finished He got up and Jumped to the far end of the stack of barrels, Against a wall He grabbed the closest ledge and pushed with his feet against the barrels. They were fairly weighted and Haro hoped dearly that it was some sort of brandi and not pickled fish or fruit. The barrels tumbled and fell amongst the battle. One or two cracked open but Haro was too concerned with hanging on to notice what it was. He pulled the first page he tucked into his belt and pulled out the first fire page he had. Unfortunately the other fire ball page came out and fell among the barrels. Dangling there Haro poured what energy he could spare into the page and out came a single ball of fire that engulfed the first barrel that it came into contact and spread out on the liquid. Thank who ever was in heaven watching him that the liquid was ale. The strong sent made Haro feel slightly light headed as he pulled himself up. The caravan guards were scattered and the drivers turned around. In the chaos one of the carts were left behind, the driver dead in his seat. Haro laughed as he sat on the window sill that he aperantly grabbed and looked around. Haro was leaning back against the shutters till a fire ball shot up and tumbled him into the bedroom of a very well shaped woman. She screamed and started yelling at him. "Very sorry ma'am, Really, wait, please don't throw that. Ouch!" Haro jumped out of the window and then landed on a small pile of dead bodies that were burning. He imediately jumped off and got to a safe distiance from all of the bramble. "If thats what you get for being inventive than I am cursed with a grand imagination." Haro gripped. He looked down to asses himself and found several holes and scorch marks on his clothing. "Blast it all, These were good cloths."

[Atenathon]

Atenathon heard the shout from the scribe and got out of the path of tumbling barrels as they descended into the madness. "Stick to the pen scribe, and leave war to warriors." Atenathon shouted. But as he watched the scribe hang by a ledge, He pulled out a page and let another drop to the ground. And before Atenathon's eyes the page burst into a ball of fire and ignited the alcohol that was contained in the barrels. The fire spread and many barrels started bursting around the guards of the caravan. Atenathon ran out of the blast area of a few more barrels of the potent drink and watched the golden leaves all retreat accept one cart. Atenathon laughed out loud at the sight of a paled, scrawny scholar running out the golden leaves. "Now thats a sight I wish I could repeat!" But even more histerical was the sight of the scholar falling out of the window of the wench house. Atenathon waited till the man was clear of the flames and went to speak to him. He listened as the man complained about his garment and then patted him on the back. "That my friend is the rewards of a hard fight. that and spoils of war. Come on, lets divide up what's there."

[Haro Hailblade]

And so with the battle won the Hero's take from their spoils and depart their seperate ways. A cart full of riches and day of victory. A single battle of many.

I would just like to ask that each person gets 100 Gold for the spoils of the cart. and maybe a qulity weapon each. what that is can be up to you as the moderator.

[Sagequeen]

Gilded Leaves Make Poor Thieves

Plot Construction ~ 8/30

Story ~ 3/10 - I know the challenge here was dealing with a lot of people popping in and dropping out; with that said, the beginning drags for half of the story; a sort of awkward high school dance kind of feel pervades. It's jarring and disjointed the way the gathering was handled, and many of the posts weren't needed at all.

With so many different characters, it’s important to understand the concept of ‘bunnying.’ When you bunny someone else’s character, you take respectful control of their character for very basic tasks, like moving them from point A to point B, or very simple answers to questions that are asked by one's own character. Otherwise, you get a plethora of tiny posts that kill the flow of a story.

The rising action and climax were there, but not terribly compelling. I think they further down-played because the beginning devoured half the story. The ending, while I understand so many had dropped, was rather weak. A better final post would have possibly involved what was done with the gold, or the aftermath of a caravan heist on the outskirts of town, or just about anything besides the three sentences that were chosen as a wrap-up.

Also, a more detailed description of the protagonist, the Gilded Leaves, would have been very helpful; the group is only vaguely touched on a few times, and it reads more like the writers assume the reader will know to what they are referring.

Strategy ~ 3/10 – There were not a lot of instances where the characters' abilities and personalities really drove the story. The whole thing felt forced from the beginning, and aside from some nice use of skills by Haro and Talen, I'm not sure why any of them would take part in this heist, aside from what was stated point blank by Haro, and Duffy's skill to unload the goods.

Setting ~ 2/10 – For the most part, this was a blank stage. There was a tavern, but what did it look like? Did it smell funny? Then there was a trip outside to the outskirts of town – but what town was it? Was it large or small, old or new? Were there any people around? As writers, you must create the sensory perceptions you want your reader to experience involving more than just your characters. Use all the five senses, and in some cases, the sixth and seventh.

Characterisation ~ 7/30

Continuity ~ 3/10 – There was almost nothing here that brought the world in which the action took place to life. There wasn't any culture, any part of this that felt like Althanas, or any specific place at all. The first step is establishing a setting. Then, give the breath of life to the setting through dialog (both NPC and character), and describing the players' actions within the setting. If the setting is a dry desert; continuity is showing the culture that exists in a dry desert, perhaps that water is scarce so the locals consider spitting on the ground the biggest of insults or honors. (Taking a page from Dune here. ^^) Take your setting and make it walk and talk - or squawk, if it's an uninhabited area with which you contend.

Interaction ~ 2/10 – It was awkward, in almost all cases. The beginning needed to be greatly streamlined, and there was no real compelling reason for the characters to come together. Additionally, the way they interacted was forced and clunky with tiny posts. Some of the action was entertaining, like using a fireball on the barrels of alcohol, but overall, it was confusing and disjointed. I understood and appreciated what you guys were trying to accomplish, and next time, some simple planning through a quest recruitment thread or through PM's could serve very well.

Character ~ 2/10 – Most of the characters seemed a little flat. Well done dialog is one strategy for showing the depth of your character, and so, too, is describing some 'telling' things about them. One example is Alis being confused at being called undead; that is a good way to show your character instead of just telling who he or she is. Haro, your character is undoubtedly interested in doing good, so why not show it through his actions instead of saying so, expecting the reader to take your word for it. Show the evidence through you character's actions.

Writing Style ~ 9/30

Creativity ~ 3/10 – There was a pronounced lack of imagery, in the way of metaphors and other advanced literary techniques. Instead of saying 'the ogre knocked over the barrels,' dress it up and make it epic. For example, 'the blood-soaked ogre smashed into the wooden barrels, breaking them apart as if they were constructed of matchsticks.' This way, the reader has that picture in his or her mind of the breadth of the action.

Beyond that, a caravan heist isn't terribly uncommon, although the reason for the heist, to do good, was a nice turn.

Mechanics ~ 3/10 – Honestly, most of the errors came from a simple lack of proofreading and editing. There were many, many sentence fragments and run-ons. I would first suggest that posts be written in a word processing program; it will catch the outright misspellings (and prevent the loss of all you've done in case of an Internet or computer error). Then read what you've written – out loud. Make sure every sentence has a subject and a verb; if it does not, it is not a sentence and should be combined with one that meets that criteria.

Clarity ~ 3/10 – There were many awkward jumps from one post to the next, one character to the other, that were very clunky and left me wondering what was happening. The action was jerky a considerable amount of the time, and even the mechanics errors caused a lot of problems in this category. I had to re-read a lot of this story several times.

Wildcard: 4/10 – What I'd like to close with is this: when you make a post, ask yourself what you are adding to the story. What is the quality of the content you are submitting? Simply answering a question asked by another character with a post of a few sentences breaks the flow of a story and doesn't add a whole lot. It's clear that the thread was open, so anyone who wanted to join would be welcome. So in this case, the group's leader could have easily been bunnied to accept others into his group.

Total ~ 28/100

Spoils are as follows:

Everyone who took part in the heist recieves 50 GP. Haro receives 100 GP since he was there beginning to end.

Haro Hailblade receives a vial of ink for his Ivory Pen that enables him to scribe at three times the normal speed he could before. The ink is good for 10 uses, and the enchantment fades completely after three months from the current date. (1/18/2012)

Haro Hailblade receives 250 EXP and 140 gold.
Hysteria receives 196 EXP and 80 gold.
Alis Grave Nil receives 140 EXP and 80 gold.
Duffy Bracken receives 202 EXP and 80 gold.
Minotauric receives 100 EXP and 70 gold.
Atenathon receives 100 EXP and 70 gold.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added.