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Thread: AC: Round 1 - Group 3

  1. #21
    Loremaster
    EXP: 72,114, Level: 11
    Level completed: 60%, EXP required for next level: 4,886
    Level completed: 60%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,886
    GP
    8423
    Christoph's Avatar

    Name
    Elijah Belov
    Age
    26
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    6' / 175 pounds
    Job
    Former chef, aimless wanderer, Pagoda Master, and self-professed Salvic Rebel Leader ™.

    It was all folly, thought Elijah, climbing to his feet. How did we ever expect to cheat our way through this challenge? There was no escape from the winged terror. But yet, to fail now would rob all meaning from Neceran's sacrifice. To give up would be an insult. He would fight, not matter how hopeless it seemed. Suddenly, a floating candle holder launched an all-out assault on the dragon's lowered head. So you understand human valor after all. Eli grinned, seizing his chance.

    The invisible man's brief distraction bought Eli precious moments to complete his arcane machinations. Even in his wearied state, the sorcerer still possessed considerable reserves of power; he would need every last drop to survive this final trial. With focused resolve and chanted words, the sorcerer took hold of the threads of reality and tied them to his will. With a series of simple, yet potent charms, he pulled the currents of magic into his body, changing and expanding his physical capacities well beyond normal limits.

    Titan's Strength, Wind's Stride, Stone's Skin... All simple, utilitarian spells learned from books, but only one with the unbreakable will and immense raw power of Elijah Belov could tie them together in such potent ways. His muscles tightened as supernatural strength surged through them and his movements became dazzlingly swift. Finally, an unnatural sheen enveloped his skin as it became as strong as steel. When at last the inevitable happened and Barnabas met his end as an icy statue, Elijah Belov had transformed himself into a superhuman warrior. He threw off his coat and cloak, revealing his blazing scars. This time, he was ready.

    The dragon bellowed over the frozen Barnabas and immediately returned its attention to Elijah. It came crashing through the ruined pillars, spewing a jet of icy wind from its jaws. The sorcerer lifted his arm, and with it rose a wall of flame from the ground, blocking the deadly breath with a steaming hiss. More fire erupted from Belov's palms, lighting up the cavern like the dawn and smashing like sledges against the dragon's scaly hide. It snarled angrily and writhed under the fiery onslaught's might, crashing into another pillar, shaking the entire cavern and sending more debris raining down atop the beast.

    Before Eli could even dare hope, the creature lunged forward with feline grace, darting up the stairs toward the sorcerer in an instant. Before Elijah could react, the beast was upon him, lashing out with vicious claws. The blow struck him squarely in the chest with a metallic shriek. His hardened skin withstood the attack, but its force sent him sailing across the cavern like a child's toy. A rush of pain blurred his mind. Distant memories returned as he flew through the air. As it often did in such moments, time slowed to a near halt.

    In his mind, he was in Salvar once more. He stood in knee-deep snow as a boy, facing the only man he ever considered a teacher. They both held wooden swords. Biting cold barely dulled the pain from dozens of bruises. “Why are we still doing this?” Elijah had asked, wearily lowering his weapon. “I'm not learning any new skills. All I'm learning is how to get beat up and freeze to death!” His teacher's sword cracked across the young Belov's jaw, sending the boy toppling into the snow. “Never lower your guard!” the older man, a veteran of the Orc Wars, then scolded. “If you wanted to learn how to duel like a fancy noble, you shouldn't have been born an innkeeper's son.” As if he chose his own birth, Eli had thought. “In battle, it won't matter how many techniques you know or how strong you are. Unless your will is unshakeable, your enemies will wear you down. Exhaustion and despair will overwhelm you until you forget everything you know, forget who you are and what you are capable of. If you cannot endure, you will always fail. Now, my student, I told you to raise. Your. Guard.”

    Belov's eyes shot open as he plummeted to the floor. Words of power tumbled from his lips and a gust of wind surged up from beneath him. It swirled around his body, wrapping him like a cloak and easing his fall and setting gently upon the ground. He looked back and found a wall – another close call. I don't forget what I'm capable of. The dragon wasted no time, jumping down from the platform and crashing onto the ground. It charged for him again. They locked eyes once again, and for once Elijah did not feel like prey. Eli grabbed a hunk of debris as big as he was, straining even his supernaturally enhanced might. As the beast lunged in fro the kill, Belov smashed the rock across its face with all his strength. The force of the blow staggered even the massive ice dragon. Scales cracked and teeth shattered.

    He spoke more arcane phrases, not releasing the chunk of debris. His magic surged through the stone; the same spell that had helped turn a patch of desert into a crater hours before now transformed plain granite into a massive of burning brimstone. As the dragon recovered, Elijah smashed his makeshift meteor across its face again. This time, it exploded in a shower of white-hot embers, which clung to the dragon's head and neck. The beast howled like a wraith, flailing wildly with its claws and spiked tail. Elijah dodged and weaved, his superhuman speed saving him from his foe's wild attacks. Belov dove to the side as the dragon crashed blindly into the wall.

    Belov climbed to his feet and focused the last of his strength. The dragon's roars were ear-splitting, but Eli added a cry of his own. Raw power erupted from his fingertips in a blast of heat and shattered earth. The dragon howled and crawled forward while spewing its icy breath, but the sorcerer did not relent. Searing wind and steam scalded his face, but he endured. He drew upon his deep wells of power and pushed harder than he ever had before. The ground cracked beneath his feet and wind screeched angrily within the cavern. His fiery assault became an inferno, an endless explosion that tore into the dragon's nigh-impervious body. He felt his strength failing, but still the dragon roared. Would he fall short yet again?
    Last edited by Christoph; 08-30-12 at 05:38 AM.

  2. #22
    Non Timebo Mala
    EXP: 126,303, Level: 15
    Level completed: 46%, EXP required for next level: 8,697
    Level completed: 46%,
    EXP required for next level: 8,697
    GP
    6,582
    Letho's Avatar

    Name
    Letho Ravenheart
    Age
    41
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Dark brown, turning gray
    Eye Color
    Dark brown
    Build
    6'0''/240 lbs
    Job
    Corone Ranger

    At first, the dragon was merely annoyed by the intrusion of the four into his territory. He had ruled these lands for centuries now, knew every rock, every nook and cranny, had everything exactly the way he wanted it. Even the salamanders were there by his grace alone, the ice wyrm allowing them to dwell underground in close proximity just so he could keep a close watch over them at all times. So when these four started the meddle into his affairs, the dragon had every intention to crush them like the gnats they were. But unexpectedly, these intruders were sturdier than the beast had anticipated. The mage in particular irked the ice dragon. Even if the human's flame could never be enough to destroy him, being lashed by flames and struck by stone was by no means a pleasurable way to spend the afternoon. His annoyance evolved into pure anger, an emotion the beast hadn't felt for decades, and it awoke the slumbering threads of power deep within his ice cold core. It was only matter of time now, only matter of seconds before he would overwhelm the human's flame and turn him into a statue just like his invisible companion.

    The dragon's thoughts were divided between eating the wizard or just leaving him as a monument to his own foolishness, when he heard a rumbling sound. Between the blazing fires of the mage and the dragon's own icy roar, it was something that few creatures could ever notice, but he was an old wyrm and had long ago learned to pay heed to every vibration spreading through his dominion. At first it sounded like a crash of small rocks, pebbles scattered over stone and trampled underfoot. Then there was the sound of footsteps, the frantic pitter-patter of something rushing up the passage through which the human and his annoying invisible friend came. But the dragon wasn't terribly concerned. He knew there had been two others, and even if he was rather certain that the half-blood mutant was dead (for he could smell the blood akin to his own in the air permeating from the passage), he anticipated there would be one other. One of his eyes was zeroed on the passage even as he kept pushing down on the human, breathing him down to his knees, the frost getting closer every second. He expected the bulky swordsman to come rushing out. Instead, something else came rushing out of the passage.

    At first it was just an orange glint at the far end of the passage, but then a jet of flame came bursting out of the darkness, wild and uncontrolled. It crashed against the dragon's flank, then proceeded to douse his entire side afire. At the far end of the dastardly flame, the alpha salamander shrieked and roared, as if struggling to keep the burst pointed in one direction. But it wasn't the fire-lizard that was controlling the direction. Once his huge eyes narrowed and his focus went fully to the new threat, the dragon could see the swordsman riding on the back of the salamander.

    Letho Ravenheart was such a right mess that he was barely recognizable. Half his face and most of his hair was burned off, the skin sloughing off to reveal muscle and tendon and giving him an eternal madman's smile. His shirt was turned to tatters, what was left of it no longer white but dark red with coagulating blood and soot. One of his arms seemed broken and soaked in blood, hanging limply at his side almost as if it wasn't a part of him. His other, however, held on to the Vorpal Blade, now in a shape of a large metal ring. The metallic circle was jammed in between the salamander's teeth, Letho using the other end as makeshift reins to direct the bucking beast. The fire wyrm seemed to resist the rider constantly, but Letho's grip was firm, unyielding, and the beast had no other choice but to obey or get its skull split in half.

    Slamming his heels into the side of the salamander, Letho forced the beast forward as the ice dragon turned his head. But even as its icy breath changed directions and met the flames of the its fiery kin in a steamy hiss, Eljah launched another salvo. Back on his feet and without the dragon's attack pressing down on him like an ice storm, the pyromancer's flames grew in power, surging from his hands in a flood. The dragon immediately retaliated, swinging its heavy tail around and forcing the mage to cease his attack even as he ducked over the swipe. The motion didn't break his focus from the salamander and the rider, but its icy breath ceased for just a moment, enough for Letho to close the distance between the two monsters.

    Pushing against the scaly neck of the salamander with his knee, Letho made it exhale flames again, but this time the large dragon shied away from it, evading it in order to meet the similar threat from the other side. But there was no room to escape. Crushed between two jets of fiery destruction, its ice cold scales were starting to melt, the flesh beneath sizzling. For the first time in maybe a thousand years, the ancient ice wyrm felt fear, and it made the beast lunge forward with reckless abandon. It bore down on Letho and his mount, aiming to crush the two with all its massive weight. The two claws came crashing down, but only the salamander was left to take the brunt of the dragon's force. Its rider leapt straight up at the last moment, his powerful muscles propelling the ranger some twenty feet straight up, and as the dragon squashed the salamander alpha, Letho landed on the dragon's head.

    Grabbing a firm hold on one of dragon's horns and pulling the scaly head as far as it went, Letho shouted down to Elijah: "FINISH IT! DO IT NOW!"

    With its head trashing this way and that, and with its claws trying to swat the annoying flea that dared to climb it, the ice dragon never really noticed the fire mage gathering the remnants of his power and positioning himself in front of the roaring beast. Only when the beam of concentrated heat struck its exposed underside did it realize that this encounter just might be the end of it, but by then it was too late. The flames ate away at the scales, melting them like acid, and then proceeded to blow a hole at least a foot wide through the frost dragon's chest. Its legs gave way, its claws trying to cover the mortal wound. But by then Letho's grip tightened around the horn and for the briefest of moments the adrenaline filled his muscles with all their power. It enabled him to tear the horn clean off, and then drive it deep into the skull of the dragon. With a final frosty exhale that turned the air to icy mist, the ancient dragon was no more.

    Letho tried to make a graceful descent from the beast's back, but he had left most of his strength and blood back amidst the salamanders and his knees gave way even as he touched the ground. "Well, that was a bit of fun," he managed to say even as Elijah helped him up, the young man not in a much better shape than the ranger himself. Letho was too tired for pride, his body too achy; he accepted the help gladly. Once he was back on his feet, he looked around, but there was only the fire mage and a pair of dead oversized lizards.

    "Where are the other two?"
    Last edited by Letho; 09-01-12 at 02:56 AM.
    "Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity."

    William Butler Yeats - The Second Coming

  3. #23
    Loremaster
    EXP: 72,114, Level: 11
    Level completed: 60%, EXP required for next level: 4,886
    Level completed: 60%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,886
    GP
    8423
    Christoph's Avatar

    Name
    Elijah Belov
    Age
    26
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Brown
    Build
    6' / 175 pounds
    Job
    Former chef, aimless wanderer, Pagoda Master, and self-professed Salvic Rebel Leader ™.

    “Dead,” Eli replied, lowering his head. The pain he had ignored in his battle returned to him with a vengeance, scorching every nerve and smothering his thoughts. He struggled through it and forced words from his lips. “They... they sacrificed themselves so we could reach our goal.”

    “And have we finally done it?” Letho's expression was unreadable, any emotion buried beneath exhaustion. It seems he was human after all – they both were.

    “I think so.” Elijah pointed to the stone platform atop the spire in the center of the huge, ruined chamber. “Up there is a pool, once frozen but now hopefully thawed. I believe it to be our final step.” He felted tempted to take a bath in it; he was caked in dust, dirt, and his own blood.

    “A... pool. Of water?”

    The sorcerer shrugged approached the dragon's smoldering corpse. “Go see for yourself, unless you'd like to stay and watch me work down here.” With the last of his enhanced strength, he rammed his hands into the dragon's charred, softened underbelly and ripped open its flesh. Blood and fluids spilled from the tear.

    “You're not planning to eat the dragon's heart, are you?” asked the ranger. “I didn't expect your tastes to be so gruesome.”

    “No, of course I won't eat its heart.” Belov laughed. “That would most certainly kill me. However, this damned thing caused me so much trouble that I think it owes me.” He reached his arms into its exposed stomach cavity, his fingers quickly growing numb from the unnatural cold. “It's a common misconception that a dragon's heart contains its power. In truth, you want to eat its liver.”

    “I'll... go take a look at that pool, then.”

    Elijah didn't watch Letho leave, instead focusing intently on exploring the dragon's insides. He needed to do this before he stopped to reconsider his sudden impulse. Then again, in his early adventuring days, he would speak in jest about his desire to consume a dragon's power; he never expected the opportunity. Well, here's my chance. His hands finally closed around their target, and with a final pull he tore free the dragon's liver. It was cold and red, with strange blue veins running through it. Only as large as his head, the organ seemed small; he didn't complain about that. He felt like raw meat left in the snow, though he could feel the power within it. Let's get this over with before I come to my senses. Fighting down a wave of nausea, he lifted the dragon liver to his mouth and took his first bite.

    * * * * *

    Nearly twenty minutes later, Elijah joined Letho by the pool at the top of the stairs, his entire body slick with blood and bile. His stomach felt like he had swallowed a dozen frozen rats (he repressed the memory that gave him this comparison), and he had only managed to eat half of the liver. Still, through the vile nausea, he could feel new power coursing through his body. The ranger didn't seem to notice and instead looked down at the pool with curiosity and confusion.

    “What is it?” asked Letho. “There must be something special about it, some... magic involved.”

    Elijah nodded. “Most assuredly. I've actually encountered this sort of magic before, but never so powerful and... old.” The sorcerer stared at the water's shimmering surface; his gently shifting reflection stared back. Opening his mind to the enchantments hidden in the pool, he could taste the magic it held – bitter yet wholesome, like a medicinal herb. “This is a Divining Pool. It you look into it long and hard enough, you should receive a vision.”

    “Of the future?” Letho asked.

    “A possible future, yes. I usually stay away from divination because of its... unreliability.” Eli shook his head. “It'll show what can be, not what will be. And if I've got the feel of this spell right, we might not like what we see.”

    “What do you mean?”

    “It's hard to explain to a non-practitioner. The magic in this pool has a bitter 'taste' to it, a dark edge. “ He shook his head wearily and sighed. “I fear it will only show bad futures.”

    “Are you sure you want to use it, then?”

    “Of course! Otherwise, all this was for nothing. Besides, even dark visions can be useful. It's easier to avoid disaster if you see it coming.”

    “I see. Fair enough, I suppose. Still, why don't you go first? Magic and I have never gotten along well.”

    Elijah snorted. “And yet, I would wager that many of your post prized possesses were created by sorcerers such as myself. But as you wish; I will... test the waters.” Letho groaned and Elijah grinned. My worst joke yet, he thought with twisted pride. He looked into the water and waited. He emptied his mind and let his gaze sink deeper into its shimmering surface. Slowly, images took shape. He felt his consciousness descend into the mysterious waters.

    “What?” Letho's voice floated at the edge of his consciousness, echoing through a psychic void.

    What do you see?

    The sun, shining bright in a clear blue sky, gleamed golden river upon a great marble platform. Elijah stood upon it, sword held high before a massive cheering crowd. They hurled flowers and chanted his name. Trumpets blasted glorious fanfares. I am victorious, he realized. The Adventurer's Crown is mine! The triumphant scene suddenly evaporated into a storm of disjointed images: shaking hands with rich and powerful men; ships sailing across the Eastern Seas; the achingly familiar, rugged shores of Salvar. Home. A victory in the Adventurer's Crown would bring him home!

    The vision changed, then. Dark clouds hung over the sky like a choking net. Armies trampled fields and battles raged. He saw himself, but he looked different. His eyes were black pits, his arms covered in gore and flame. Cities burned and blood flowed in the streets. Screens filled the air in a foul, dissonant chorus as fire rained from the sky. What am I doing? Horror gripped him like a strong hand upon his throat. He could only watch as this dark reflection of himself carved through all in his path, enemy soldiers and women and children alike, leaving only dismembered and charred remains in his wake.

    Finally, that terrible scene faded. The horrific cacophony went quiet, replaced by a lonely wind. The fires were gone, and now only a vast, barren expanse remained, scorched and empty. This was the future that awaited him. What?

    “What do you see?” The ranger's voice pulled Eli back to consciousness. He felt strong hands under his arms, holding him up. He opened his eyes, his face inches from the water. Had he almost fallen in? Letho set him safely against one of the smooth rocks. “Gods, boy. You're as pale as death. What did it show you?”

    “I... it...” His words failed him. He closed his eyes and let the blessed blackness take him, somehow knowing that when he woke up, he would no longer be in that cursed cave.


    Out of Character:
    Final post from me.

    Random spoil request: by eating the liver of an ice dragon like a total baller, Elijah Belov gains some of its power. Two times over the duration of the AC (should I advance), Elijah would gain mastery over ice magic of equal power to his fire. Each use lasts five minutes.
    Last edited by Christoph; 09-01-12 at 04:58 AM.

  4. #24
    Non Timebo Mala
    EXP: 126,303, Level: 15
    Level completed: 46%, EXP required for next level: 8,697
    Level completed: 46%,
    EXP required for next level: 8,697
    GP
    6,582
    Letho's Avatar

    Name
    Letho Ravenheart
    Age
    41
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Dark brown, turning gray
    Eye Color
    Dark brown
    Build
    6'0''/240 lbs
    Job
    Corone Ranger

    And then he was alone.

    All around him, the traces of the battle were slowly disappearing as the flames died down and everything got swallowed by darkness. Only the pool remained illuminated, a beam of unnatural white light descending from above, giving it an air of significance. Dark magic, Elijah had said, but could there really be any other kind in this place? If something was buried deep under the earth and protected by a bunch of horrors, chances were it wasn't going to grant you riches or eternal life. The mage only further confirmed it with the stricken look on his face and the way he had collapsed once he gazed into the waters of the pool. Something sinister awaited on the other side of that surface, and now it was Letho's turn to summon it.

    Letho slouched back towards the pool, the blood loss and the fatigue making him look more like a drunkard with every second. He wasn't terribly eager to gaze into the pool. As far as Letho was concerned, all magic was wrong, the way it broke the rules and took command over something that should never be controlled unnaturally. Sure, there had been instances where it was used for good, but for every such an occurrence there were ten where it was abused and made to subjugate, to threaten, to destroy. As far as Letho Ravenheart was concerned, the world of Althanas would've been a much better place if there was no magic to meddle with.

    Yet he couldn't deny that the pool piqued his curiosity. Even if there was some horror waiting for him in those clear waters, he had come too far and experienced too much pain to just leave it behind and wait to be whisked away again. On top of that, Elijah had claimed that the pool itself was the reason why they were placed on this dastardly island. While Letho wasn't quite sure that was the case, he couldn't deny that there was a chance that the mage was right. After all, they weren't exactly given precise instructions as far as this competition went. And if this was the final step towards victory, then Letho wasn't one to shy away from it.

    Dropping to his knees as he reached the edge of the pool, the weary ranger slowly edged his face forward until he could see his haggard reflection. Only then he realized how much of a toll the battle with the salamanders had taken on him. He hoped the tournament officials had some good healers at hand. Otherwise he'd be walking away with quite a makeover.

    But even as Letho focused on the scorched part of the face and the possibility of the damage being permanent, the reflection started to shimmer and change. His face stretched in the pool until it melted away, trying to make way to something else. Letho waited, his one arm barely supporting his weight as he expected the vision that struck Elijah so profoundly. But the vision never came. Letho could feel the magic trying to course towards him, through him, but every bit of it got devoured even as it reached out towards him, swallowed by the void. And soon enough the pool was drained, the tendrils of magic no longer lashing out, the waters as plain as if they were rainwater. Letho smirked - a facial movement that send flaring pain all over his already aching and burning face - and fell onto his back.

    "Of course," he muttered, fighting to keep his eyes open and suppress a chuckle that would surely send another jolt of pain through his achy body. Of course his magic immunity would kick in now, when some revelation awaited him. It had a tendency to work on all things that it shouldn't, like making Letho unable to travel by teleportation or wield enchanted weapons. Yet it couldn't protect him against the salamanders. The fire beasts might've been borne out of magic, but their fire was pure chemistry, just two different volatile liquids secreted by some glands deep in their gullets, their mixture resulting in an inferno. But what it could do was rob him of the vision from the pool.

    "Better this way," Letho thought as he started to lose the battle with jadedness and his eyelids came down, beckoning restful sleep. Maybe it was better not to know the future, however grand or horrible it would turn out to be. Would he really want to know beforehand the manner of his death, or the day his loved one dies, and await the day knowing he could nothing to stop it? Would he really want to live knowing his own fate? Was it even a life worth living if he was robbed of the unpredictability of it? Letho wasn't sure. He had entered the competition with every intention of claiming that grand prize that would blow away all doubts from his future. But if it was a future filled with horrors did he really want to live every day expecting those horrors? And if it was a future filled with joy, would he really want to be robbed of the unexpectedness?

    Letho tried to make some sense of these questions, bind the predicaments in a train of thought, but such contemplation was for the fully awaken mind, and his was all but gone now. His body shut down and left this battle to be fought another day.
    Last edited by Letho; 09-01-12 at 05:24 AM.
    "Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity."

    William Butler Yeats - The Second Coming

  5. #25
    Member
    EXP: 91,535, Level: 13
    Level completed: 11%, EXP required for next level: 12,465
    Level completed: 11%,
    EXP required for next level: 12,465
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    Name
    William Arcus
    Age
    Mid-30's (apparent age)
    Race
    Revenant
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    Hair Color
    Black Stubble
    Eye Color
    Molten Fire
    Build
    5'11"/178lbs
    Job
    Freelance Murder Machine

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    Round 1 closed for judgement.

    Good luck!
    "I have looked upon all that the universe has to hold of horror, and even the skies of spring and the flowers of summer must ever afterward be poison to me." - Call of Cthulhu

    David vs. Goliath: History's first recorded critical hit.
    JC Thread - The Bitter King

  6. #26
    Member
    EXP: 91,535, Level: 13
    Level completed: 11%, EXP required for next level: 12,465
    Level completed: 11%,
    EXP required for next level: 12,465
    GP
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    Revenant's Avatar

    Name
    William Arcus
    Age
    Mid-30's (apparent age)
    Race
    Revenant
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black Stubble
    Eye Color
    Molten Fire
    Build
    5'11"/178lbs
    Job
    Freelance Murder Machine

    View Profile
    Plot: (22)

    Storytelling (7) – This story wasn’t really a bad one, and I liked the thought you four put into this. I especially appreciate the fact you gave yourselves a challenge that was controversial in a group dynamic in dealing with the sacrifice of a comrade. Considering that your partner was DQ’d, but writing her out in a meaningful way, really helped keep awkwardness from steeping into the story. Well done. However, there was a few issues I had with you Tourny, and that’s your character’s blunt way in solving the challenges. While everyone else, despite their years of experience had trouble solving these problems, you seemed to barrel through it with little to no difficulty. Also, your sudden death at the end was off putting instead of helpful to the story. I suggest when you work in a large group like this, you work out something of that magnitude together to make sure all deaths are clearly seen with the proper light and respect.

    Setting (7) – This could have been higher, but Tourny you brought the score down with several small posts that had barely any to no setting. You must remember to always set the scene for the reader, using all five senses if need be to create the picture I will have in my head. If I have to go back and fill it in, it takes me away from the story which hurts because I don’t want to walk away to fill in gaps. Sprinkle setting like salt. Little bit goes a long way.

    Pacing (8) – You guys kept the pace going, without any need to back track and that helps a lot. You guys did great with keeping everything in order and neat. I honestly can only say more writing and exp can help the newer members, and keeping at it for the veterans.

    Character: (21)

    Communication (7) – None of the text between Christoph, Letho, and Naceran felt forced, awkward or rushed and within the lines of what I’d expect from the characters. You three made sure the bunnying was necessary, helped the story, and did nothing more with other’s creations. Well done. However, Tournymant, your character made a few of the other’s speech seem off and not natural. However, in a group setting like this it’s important that the others let you know when you do something off or wrong. So they are also in this bag. However, don’t be discouraged, it wasn’t horrible stuff and only a tad bit off, so nothing huge was taken off from you guys.

    Action (8) – No shortage of action here, you all did well to keep the energy high, and even when you weren’t fighting you were hitting me with some tough, heavy topics like sacrificing a colleague. Brilliant work, and what hurt you from scoring higher is that again, as I said in Story, Tournymant you rushed through some of the aspects that help build the tension and disrupt the flow. Let it ride, pal!

    Persona (6) – For Naceran, Letho, and Christoph, you guys gave me great character. Histories, trials of the past, reasons to give why you acted the way you did! It was a solid example of why you guys are great writers, and what every person should strive to achieve. Excellent, excellent work. However, Tounrymant, unfortunately you had none of these elements. I have no clue what an invisible man is, why he enters all these torunymants, and no clear reason why he even showed up. You went through a gambit of emotions, from aggressive, to peacemaker, to old wizened man, to martyr. You were inconsistent and it made for hard reading. You have great potential, but what you need to do is find the unique aspects of your character, and jealously guard them, making them yours to keep.

    Prose: (19)

    Mechanics (7) – The few errors I found were common mistakes in rushing out a post for a timed tournament like missing words, incomplete thoughts, or a misplaced word or misspelling. Nothing fancy, nothing new. I am proud of the new player Tournymant though for keeping his errors low, as this is an area most new players tend to scoff at and miss. Well done. That said, proof read kids. It’s your friend.

    Clarity (7) – The biggest issues I had was when I had to leave the world to fill in the gaps with setting, errors, or moments where I wondered if what a character said seemed appropriate. While few and far between, the loss of points came in word choice. I think the word Elijah was said fifty times in five paragraphs, Tournymant. You need to find other descriptors to break up the monotony of repetition. Seeing, “Elijah is a wizard, huh?” I muttered looking to Elijah. “Elijah can you cast a fire on my candle? Cool, thank you Elijah, you’re not so bad. Oh, Elijah, I just remembered, I have a dinner engagement tonight, could you perhaps do a show for me, Elijah? You will? Thanks Elijah, you’re the best,” I said to my friend, Elijah, the sorcerer. That’s an eyesore to a reader. A good rule of thumb is not to use someone’s name, or the same descriptor more than twice in the same paragraph, and NEVER back to back in a sentence. If you have trouble thinking of something, go ahead and ask for help. We’re here to help!

    Technique (5) – This was rough. Because on one hand, I got three writers who were bringing a great range of techniques, word choice, style and flair that just made this awesome, but at the same time, I have also read rather choppy writing that just ruins the flavor and taste of the thread. I’m not putting any blame on anyone, but Tournymant you had a great opportunity to write with three of the strongest writer’s on the site. I had noticed you were gung ho with your posts, and you erased a few which shows you took some advice from your comrades, but I would have thought you would also take their lead in writing. Instead however, you seemed to stick to a more rigid, direct style of writing, and while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it was in this case. You can’t enjoy a drink if something in the middle of it spoils the taste. My advice is to go back and read this thread, beginning to end, as just a reader and not a writer. See what the others did, and then see how you did and what you can pick up and improve. As I said earlier, you have great potential, and I’m eager to see what you can do with your growth!

    Wildcard: (6)

    Total: 68

    Neceran receives 480 exp and 50 gp.
    Letho receives 1071 exp and 70 gp.
    Tourneymant receives 320 exp and 50 gp.
    Christoph receives 727 exp and 60 gp.
    "I have looked upon all that the universe has to hold of horror, and even the skies of spring and the flowers of summer must ever afterward be poison to me." - Call of Cthulhu

    David vs. Goliath: History's first recorded critical hit.
    JC Thread - The Bitter King

  7. #27
    Screw You, Andy.
    EXP: 233,561, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next level: 0
    GP
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    Silence Sei's Avatar

    Name
    Sei Orlouge
    Age
    26
    Race
    Mystic
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Orange
    Eye Color
    Blue
    Build
    5'11'', 172 lbs
    Job
    Protector of Radasanth.

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    2011 Althy winner for Best Comeback, Most Helpful Moderator, and Best IC Odd Couple (With Enigmatic Immortal). 2012 Althie Winner for Mr. Althanas, and best Bromance (also, with Enigmatic Immortal). 2014 Althy Winner Best Battler for Forrals Fortress.

    Gisela Open Winner (First Year), Lornius Cooperate Championship 3rd Place Winner (1/2 of 'Don't Blinke!', 2nd year).

    (21:41:22) Sulla: If you kill god, Nihilism fills the void, you need the ubermensch to take the place of god. Sei is the ubermensch.

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