A Match Made In Hell

[Ags]

Back at Ags' flat, the excitement of having recruited a new ally put a fresh bounce in the fey's step as she closed the door behind them. "He's a bit smarmy, but you learn to put up with it. I have a feeling we'll all be great friends," she grinned. "And indeed, if you cross paths with Zack and myself in the tournament, do promise you won't hold back. I certainly won't." There was something a bit unsettling in her cheerful gaze; it betrayed the fact that such concepts as violence were just as much games as anything else, her otherworldly upbringing giving her an alien perspective on silly human ideas like compassion.

Quite possibly Aurelius' preferred brand of crazy, he grinned, obviously relishing the prospect. "Don't worry, luv. I never do." He couldn't help but chuckle at the thought of whatever Ags packed for a punch.

"Well, then," Agnie said, something on her wall of pinned tickets catching her eye. She strolled over and plucked one off the garish wallpaper, reading a fresh note on it. "Alas, I have somewhere to be, but perhaps you could stop by later this week? We shall set you up. There are quite a few perks, you know," she added, glancing over to him as she tucked the paper in her pocket.

The half-breed raised an eyebrow, his natural curiosity kicking in, but he held his tongue as he offered a shrug in response. "Aye, I've got nothin' else to do, really. Might as well bang around with you, luv," he smiled, showing a glint of fang.

"Perfect!" Ags' hands clapped together to punctuate their arrangement, then she hopped over to the coat rack where she grabbed a brightly woven, Fallien-style shawl. As she drew it around her shoulders, she walked to her bedroom door. "I trust you can see yourself out. Have a pleasant evening, comrade," she waved, and then she left not into her room, but a lush, tropical garden. A hot draft of humidity swept through the parlor, settling sticky and fragrant around Aurelius, and then she was gone.

[Mordelain]

Thread Title: A Match Made In Hell
Judgement Type: Condensed Rubric
Participants: Ags, Aurelianus, Zack Blaze

Plot ~ 15/30

Story ~ 5/10 –

Setting ~ 4/10 – a lacking aspect of the thread, I would wager this was due to heavy use of dialogue and physical descriptors. Do not let one strong part of any story fall by the wayside, even if it does come out stronger in other aspects (such as, in this case, persona and communication). I picture Ags to be more colourful, Zack to be more attentive to the things around him (out of boredom perhaps?) and Aurelianus to be more sulphur, smoke, and ashen – bring out your characters through the setting.

Pacing ~ 4/10 – alas, one of the major negatives to Match Made in Hell is pacing. This is part because of its length, and part because of each post’s length. This is unavoidable in a short thread of this nature. If you ‘fluff’ the thread with unneeded occurrences, you will hamper other scores, and vice versa. Primarily, the main issue was with Aurelianus;

You trace back over dialogue from previous threads in each post. Post 7, for example, sees you ** around the other character’s questions and comments. When you go back and forth between past and present, it is difficult to separate. You should consider bunnying your dialogue responses to questions in other people’s posts, to avoid having to deal with too many actions at once. At the very least, re-write the exposition as narrative, or as description. Sometimes, the reader can surmise your responses to things just in one reply.

Character ~ 20/30

Communication ~ 8/10 – though our tiefling friend’s accent is thick, and Zack is boisterously common (lest said about Ags demure allure the better), you all communicated well with one another in character.

Action ~ 5/10 –

Persona ~ 7/10 – This trio have strong, evocative, and distinct personalities. There is no other way to describe your respective grasp of your character’s identity. Zack’s infuriating inability to grasp colloquialisms and regional dialect (reflected in ‘but I guess you’ll let me make my pitch’ in post 8), gives him a loathsome, but lovable sense of ‘not quite right’. Ags is delightfully white trash, and Aurelianus is, as you might expect, every bit the tiefling anarchist. Excellent work you three.

Prose ~ 17/30

Mechanics ~ 5/10 – run on sentences abound, the primary reason for this score. Examples found in post 8:

“Simply put, we have two events coming up in the near future. The first is a tournament; a two versus two contest in which I want to put as many members as possible in the teams in order for Misery Business to have at least one champion in our organization this year. Will do wonders for our credibility.”

Post 9:

It may have seemed like a friendly gesture, but the Cager was scanning his opponent- the blonde-haired brawler caught it easily, with a confident grace, but he didn't bring it up to his lips.

To re-iterate, the opening paragraph in Ags first post:

Someone had stolen Luned's ticket while she was away in Ettermire and Agnie opted to keep her copy, as this individual of questionable character intrigued her enough into writing again; the thought of a mystery pen pal was simply titillating! The piece of paper was an exact replica of the other, upon which any marks would mirror exactly upon its twin, and through scribbles on the margins, the pair began a sort of correspondence.

Run-on sentences are not always ‘incorrect’. It is perfectly acceptable, in some circumstances, for them to be a warranted part of writing. Where they do occur, though, re-read when possible to decipher wherever or not what you have said may orate more eloquently. I am a firm believer in the Oxford Comma, and listing in that manner can break up long-winded paragraphs into ‘bite-size’ chunks. It also helps to alleviate ambiguity created when dealing with multiple movements and characters in a thread.

Minor mistakes include formatting issues, the much missed capital letter after ! or ? in dialogue, and minor issues bordering on over use of italisation and Aurelianus not spacing – correctly. (She came out the door- turned left; as opposed to she came out the door – turned left). If this is a stylistic article, you might wish to add a note or clarify why you do so (though it was a minor point I admit).

Clarity~ 5/10 – err on the side of caution with clarity. Ags, your opening sentences were disbarring. It might have been more clear to begin with ‘it all started with a note’, and then to go into exposition. The sentences themselves are long, to a fault, and this ambling flow was present in Aurelianus’ contributions; especially where description following dialogue is concerned. I appreciate simple, concrete, and short sentences are devoid of writing techniques, but it can often serve you well to stick to the basics, and then add where appropriate.

Technique ~ 7/10 – strong use of non-standard techniques, flourishes, and flair brought this brief exchange to life. I especially appreciated enjambment between the notes and Ags’ narrative in the opening post. Aurelianus, your internal thought and dialect works wonders. Zack, you make strong use of the ‘closing line’ in each post. You each have a strong grasp of literary techniques that work directly with your character’s personality and abilities, effectively; you know how to bring them to life.

Wildcard: 7/10 – this thread does exactly what it says on the tin. It was quick-witted, served a point, and I enjoyed the smarm, energy, and humour. I can see you three becoming a trio worth keeping an eye on in the future, should you wish to develop what was sadly a short introductory thread into a more developed union (and I daresay I hope you do!)

---

I would be happy to develop on the points above, or provide more in depth examples based on those notes if requested. cydneyoliver@gmail.com, or my Mordelain inbox are both appropriate avenues to do.

If you have any concerns, doubts, and worries, and don’t wish to speak to me directly for whatever reason, then I am sure another member of staff will resolve the matter on your behalf. I am perfectly amenable and open to feedback, as the judge has to develop, as much as the writer put under the scrutiny of the rubric!

Total ~ 59/100

Ags receives 300 experience and 100 gold.

Zack Blaze receives 325 experience and 125 gold.

Aurelianus Drak’shal receives 325 experience and 125 gold.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added.