Tatakai (Open)

[Neko]

Tatakai
'Battle'

Closed to princeben07.

The woods were dense and confusing maze of mahogany and pine. Though the sun blazed beneath the sky, it was almost dusk beneath the canopy. Streams of golden light streamed onto bright purple heather, illuminating the illusory landscape’s solitary source of beauty and colour. Everywhere else, there was bark, stagnation, and silence.

“It’s perfect,” Kahoka purred. His voice was trill and full of excitement.

Ever since his failure in Radasanth, the nekojin had trained harder and harder. He had driven his tanto into training dummies until his paws bled. He had sweated oceans in pursuit of redemption. He had traipsed across deserts as hot as the sun. He repeated devout mantras until his lips were dry and cracked.

“Thank you, <Ruka>,” he bowed slightly, and drew an earthen kanji in honour of the forest Kami. Akashima never left Neko, even if Neko left Akashima.

He felt warmth in his chest, and knew the gods were with him. He spread his legs, and span two worn tanto between his claws. Their well-used steel blades honourably engraved with his parent’s first names - Lingui, and Chonju.

“Neko will not fail you again…,” he roared. His sincerity was as ferocious as his snarl.

[princeben07]

Parallax: a Psion and yet NOT a Psion. He took in the sights, inhaling the air, smiling in the process. This was one thing that The Parallax wanted more of; training. He carried only one weapon; an Hourglass that hung around his neck and nothing more. wiping his nose from trickling blood, his headaches were almost completely gone; save for the hangovers from drinking Absinthe with his ward, Zostrix.

Coming upon this Nekojin, The Parallax stopped about 75 feet from Kahoka.

Purged into his thoughts, and he didn't not think to HIMSELF OFTEN, knowing that the headaches would return, he whispered one word into his mind; Psion.

But even though the word meant something TO him, having the skills to display and actually use the abilities were of another sect; he did not have the abilities as of yet. So what was he trying to prove?

The Parallax towered almost 7 feet; he intimidated alot of other people and many other lifeforms with his lanky and slender frame. He had the speed much above normal lifeforms and could lift a hefty amount, but this Nekojin seemed different. Could he predict every move this creature would make? Probably not; his one free ability, The Mind's Eye, was not used upon will; it just acted upon its own, indicating that something was developing in his forebrain.

Shaking his hands a bit to loosen them up, Parallax settled his vision upon this creature.

"I'd introduce myself Kahoka, but the headaches are coming and going so, could we start up if you do not mind?"

[Neko]

His opponent’s omniscience would alarm Neko under normal circumstances. The monks had chalked his titles in ten-foot high common in the foyer of the Citadel, so he let the creature’s use of his name vanish into memory. Names did not matter here, only deeds. Great actions would be remembered, not noble born rights and cultural honours.

“Gladly,” he clucked. His grasp of common was not refined.

His adversary’s height was indomitable, and his presence intoxicating. Despite the odds stacked against him, Neko charged. His gangly legs lurched into a swift, but graceless motion. When seventy-five feet became thirty-five, two tanto flickered into view. Sunlight caught the well-tempered steel. Red monarch butterflies and white blossoms danced on the tree line.

“Show no quarter!” the nekojin roared.

He rotated his blades with skill and precision. His armour rubbed against his fur. His eyes narrowed as he closed the last of the distance between he and the ‘Psion’s’ oppressive form. He aimed his thrust at the man’s torso. The trees shed showers of leaves as summer fell into autumn’s sway. The crowd tensed as Neko vaulted into an almighty leap. As the nekojin relinquished all his restraint, he became one with nature’s wrath.

[princeben07]

"Very well." The Parallax whispered, noticing the closing of the distance betwixt the two. What could this Nekojin hope to accomplish with such quickness? Taking into account of the Neko's speed, the Psion's actions were very well-mannered; he did not want to make it seem that because of his height that he could actually be tumbled by the smaller opponent. The Parallax didn't try to move out of the way; he actually welcomed this sad attempt of causing his body some kind of damage, only to take both of his arms and gather them into a single Axe Hammer upon the clasping of his fists together, with such a speed that it would contact across the Neko's back, even though the thrust aimed with truth towards the Psion's body.

"Is that the best that you can do? Obviously I do not want to break you, but you will have to learn that fighting with The Parallax is not some easy road."

[Neko]

The moment Neko’s chin hit the ground, the Psion’s words echoed in his ears. Every syllable stretched into an age, tearing at the nekojin’s sanity. He had expected a parry. He had expected a side step. To feel ignored was the last thing he predicted. The robust and sharp blow to the collarbone undid all his resolve. He looked up, dazed and confused, and legs sprawled.

“You’d be surprised….” he spat.

Before his opponent could end the nekojin there and then, Neko reacted. He tucked in his legs, pushed down hard and leapt backwards.

“…About the roads I’ve been down. Not one of them lead to an easy journey’s end.” He growled through clenched fangs. His growl conveyed the awareness of his frail form.

He leapt forwards. With a last minute adjustment, he evolved his leap into a pounce, and punched low to the creature’s upper thigh. In his mind’s eye, he had one chance to defeat the hulk of a man, and that was to hamper his movement. He had to fight him from a distance. His feet slapped against the earth as he landed. He took a deep breath. His vision blurred. His hope have him spiritual energy.

[princeben07]

Parallax was not smiling, nor was he even smirking; he was taking into adjustment of this little creature's valiant attempts to topple his monstrous form.

"Not bad I tell you....but you will have to do much better than that." the arrogant life form spoke out.

His hands, now free from the missed Axe Hammer blow to his opponent, reached downward with a quick speed, almost mind-numbing. How could he be this fast? Parallax's mind was simply reacting within nanosecods of every single attack that this creature was making; he wasn't scoring many hits, but that was the challenge in which he wanted to endure. A clasping of the left hand would surely wrap around the tiny wrist of the Nekojin, allowing for Parallax to perhaps hold him out away from him. Perhaps the grip would be tight enough for Parallax to actually examine the creature and talk more of how this was not going to be an easy match.


"You are SUCH a TINY thing. I could easily break you as I stated before, but I will be fair. You should go home little thing, before I get serious and eviscerate you. My mind is interpreting every move that you make and my body will anticipate it, even if my nose bleeds and I fall out from blood loss!!"

Wait, did he JUST give away his weakness? XD

[Neko]

Neko reacted quickly. Benaires’s grip crushed nothing but air, though his words still stung.

“<With blades you find honour in death,>” he spat. His Akashiman sounded more threatening. He was through accommodating his opponent’s dialect.

With a cantankerous motion, Neko pounced. Used to the refined grace of tanto combat, the return to feral clawing surprised him. The nature of the Citadel: its atmosphere, its purpose, and its aura were as much a threat to Neko’s life as the thing before him.

“My home is here,” he roared.

The Parallax, surprised in turn at Neko’s alacrity, reached out again with lightning grip. This time, though Neko ducked and rolled, his hand found its mark.

“Dead,” Neko rasped, “or alive.”

Cruelly lifted from the ground, his elongated paws hung beneath him. He stared through fading vision at his opponent’s solitary wound; a single claw mark across the face. He found it irksome that only a lack of skill, a primal onslaught over feigned and calculated blows, had enabled him to gain some ground.

He guessed he was still just a beast to the people of Radasanth, and always would be. He closed his eyes, and waited for the whim of the Kami.

[princeben07]

"Very Well then. I may have resisted an opponent, but in overall, I am hoping to have gained a friend as well. I wish you the best."

The Parallax's right arm pulled back, palm open, with intent on simply palm-fisting this little creature to the point where he would be certainly unconscious or unable to retort a defense. the Blow would be enough to knock the Nekojin back at least 37 feet or so, The Parallax being extremely strong and very powerful. It would resemble, upon contact of the blow to the chest area, a towel being snapped at one's buttocks in a locker room so to speak. Nekojin would find himself reeling back many feet, perhaps tumbling or rolling in the process. The match was over; The Parallax had become triumphant in something he had been trying to push himself to do; fight for his mastery of The Psychic Strike.

[Neko]

Neko fell backwards, a whiplash motion that sent him firmly into unconsciousness. He offered no resistance to his opponent’s offensive. The wind swirled around him as he rose and fell. When he crashed to the ground, he bounced like a rag doll.

Though dead, and buried, and defeated before a crowd of thousands, the nekojin had one small victory to cling to with dear life. He died defending his notion of honour. He died fighting for his home. He would not suffer death without its breeze washing over him.

He would always be part of Akashima.

He would always feel its winds.

He would always dance across its jade Burroughs and rolling hills.

The kami, watching from the shadows, wept for their pious disciple. Dragons spiralled, eagles soared, and in the maelstrom of madness, that was the spirit world, the ancestors that had died over the course of centuries screamed in grief, pain, and torment.

On this occasion, Neko of the Nausiccaan plains would live another day. He would rise to defeat the enemies from his homeland, to learn from the crushing grip of the Parallax, and to make certain he was not so easily tossed aside a second time.

[Witchblade]

Story

Neko - 5 - you elude to other events that recently happened in Radasanth, drawing the reader in. But your ending is overly dramatic, considering the nearly complete lack of tension in the fight.

Princebeno - 3 - you came to practice some kind of Psychic Strike, not sure if you succeeded, but that was your goal.

Setting

Neko - 2 - what setting? There's some really nice prose about trees shedding leaves in one of your posts and that was about the sum of the setting. While it was nice prose, it felt strangely out of place in the battle.

Princebeno - 1 - complete lack of setting

Pacing

Neko - 6 - I just want you to know, I took no points off you for the length of your posts. Their brevity worked well for the battle in terms of keeping things precise and attempting to keep action and tension high. Unfortunately, most of the tension was killed by Princebeno.

Princebeno - 3 - the complete lack of caring from your character, as well as the style of writing you chose, pretty much killed any and all tension that Neko was able to build up.

Dialogue

Neko - 5 - your dialogue was nothing great, and nothing awful either. It was just there.

Princebeno - 4 - your dialogue seems awkward. Would your character really say, 'hey, I've got a headache, so let's hurry this up?' It just seems like you needed to put some dialogue in there, so you went with that.

Persona

Neko - 4 - your character came across as well as he could in this type of situation, though it would have been interesting to see him lose that control a little earlier, or perhaps if Beno hadn't disappeared, to see it develop further.

Princebeno - 3 - you state that your character is arrogant, but it doesn't come across in your writing. Also, the sudden change from fighting to wanting a friend seemed weird.

Action

Neko - 5 - his second post had him attack you, your third post had your character hit the ground. The actual action of fist hitting flesh would have been nice, not to mention add some tension.

Princebeno - 4 - shoving someone back 37 feet would require quite the feat of strength and would most likely break bones in the process. Calling a move like that a simple palm fisting and stating it would 'merely. Knock him unconscious is quite the understatement. He'd be lucky to be alive, which he obviously wasn't afterwards.

Mechanics

Princebeno - 3 - awkward sentence structure, run-on sentences, just a couple little things. I'm not sure if the sentence structure is your style of writing or not, if it is, it needs a bit more refining.

Neko - 6 - the opening sentence in your first post comes across as awkward, it's missing an 'a', which doesn't seem like much, but it's the opening sentence! I noticed a couple other simple mistakes from the master of editing, but nothing major.

Technique

Neko - 6 - there's a good attempt at alliteration in the opening paragraph, but it just doesn't pull through. The short posts were, in my mind, successful to this battle. You were able to fit in relevant information to keep me interested in reading more, without dragging it on unnecessarily in order to just fill up the page.

Princebeno - 4 - your writing comes across a little awkward, it switches from third person to third person omniscient, not to mention I'm not sure what the point of putting certain words all in capitals is. It's usually done to emphasize a point, but I don't know what point you're trying to make. Towel being snapped at one's buttocks in a locker room, I wish I had an emoticon to match the expression on my face for that analogy.

Clarity

Neko - 6 - I realize your character is a Nekojin, however you first refer to him as Kohaku and then change to Neko, which is a little confusing. He may be a Nekojin, but that is not his name. Also, where did the crowd in your second post come from?

Princebeno - 5 - you should put OOC comments in brackets, or actually tag them OOC.

Wild card

Neko - 6 -

Princebeno - 5 -

Total

Neko - 57

Princebeno – 35

The Winner is NEKO!!!

Neko receives 525 EXP and 100 GP!
Princebeno receives 125 EXP and 50 GP!