'Trick Question' - Ongoing Thread Workshop

[Atzar]

2. This forum is for Workshop Judgements and Post-by-post critique. If you have an ongoing thread, create your own workshop. If an individual has been exemplary in helping you through the writing process, contact Core Member, Hoytii, who will be able to help you reward that contributor appropriately!

If I read this correctly, I'm allowed to create a workshop to gather feedback for a thread I'm currently writing. That's exactly what I'm looking to do here.

Here's your link: Bang

Four posts long at present, and I'm working on a fifth as we speak. I'd love to hear any commentary you may have - suggestions, criticism, compliments, and anything in between. I hope to get some running commentary as I continue to add posts. General commentary is great, and I'd specifically like feedback on the following points:

- The point of view. I don't use first-person very often. Am I using it effectively in your opinion?

- The characterization. I'm aiming for a degree of subtlety with Atzar in this thread. His personality should be evident, but not overwrought. Do you think I accomplish that goal? If not, to which side am I erring?

- General interest level. Simply put, is the thread fun to read?


For those who are particularly helpful, I'll make an effort to get some EXP/GP kicked your way. I'm not exactly sure how that works in an ongoing workshop like this one, but we'll find out. I'm also always willing to reciprocate by reading threads you all may want reviewed; just let me know. Thanks a lot!

[Luned]

I read it and didn't fall asleep!

This is definitely some of the best writing I've read of yours (though that doesn't say a lot, considering how little I've seen, but first person works wonders with your style and Atzar's personality). Overall, I found myself invested in the story and I look forward to reading the rest. I just have a couple notes:

• Knowing Atzar as a character fairly well by now, I expected him to be a bit of a poor sport at the end of post 5/beginning of post 6. It could be an opportunity to emphasize a crack in his otherwise cocksure demeanor, to give him some emotional dimension.

• I enjoy Blandion's punny name, but in the end, perhaps he's a bit too bland. You raised curiosity about him in the beginning, but I found myself wanting to feel bad for him in post 7 and being unable to. Maybe there's just a tiny bit of flair you can give him that'll give him a bit more clout as an NPC? But maybe whatever you have planned will take care of that.

And something I really liked: you say you aren't good with description, but there are a few nicely well-placed observations. I especially liked the gaping, glassless eyes of their homes. Embrace stuff like that, the smallest observations can bring more life than a long-winded paragraph of basic filler description, and that sort of thing works well with the style you've used.

[Atzar]

I really appreciate the thoughts!

An update on the progress: I'm nine posts in now, and I'm looking at about two more. Hope to write them up in the next week. Once I finish that, I'll probably give it a week for edits and such before I look to close this, either for a formal workshop or an official judgment.

[Ashla]

(Please bare with me since this is the first time I'm reviewing anything around here, so...)

Ooh! I like the "Master and apprentice" thing here!

And description wise, I'm really bad myself! I've been trying but it's still my weakest spot. Meanwhile, you did a really good job here, I had a good idea what the environment (especially the wizard's home). I also love how Levis was betrayed, I love seeing characters like him! He's the "Fall before me and fear me! Yes, I will plummet you to smithereens!" type guy and I like that! Atzar must have had a lot of courage coming up to him and asking him to train! I loved how he eventually got annoyed and was like "You know what, I'll fight you and I don't care if you fry me!"

Atzar was betrayed as being very nervous around him and I can tell why. I loved the sentence "Any comfort I had begun to feel in his presence immediately vanished." - Ooh! Something to say really quick, I loved seeing the first-person-POV being used in this! I don't see that often here, and this thread having that was just plain awesome! - Then he got insulted by the wizard and asked to fight, I was really into this thread now! After he felt insulted, Atzar turned from fearful to excited and dying to prove himself. Feeling as if he would be having to "Drag" Blandion (- Another quick thing, as somebody who loves even the worse of puns, Blandion was hilarious! And he indeed was bland xD) around with him just to get through his task was showing how he was also seemingly getting overconfident. I liked seeing that and realized that he had more than just being insane to come ask a powerful wizard for guidance.

The challenge of the volcano was extremely awesome, and once again, had a great usage of description. Bland proved to be bland again and Atzar proved himself an awesome warrior (in my point of view anyways). Their first time, they didn't last long; I liked seeing them immediately fail once. And of course, they were brought back again and this time they were- Atzar at least, Bland was still being bland- ready to be awesome. The story doesn't seem finished yet unless Bland could actually do something interesting for once and was able to pull them back to the monk all together. But if it isn't finished, so far, I loved it! Description was awesome and I loved Atzar's train of thought. I'm glad I decided to read this.

Now the dreaded part, any cons?

The only cons I can point out (most people will be like "how is that a con?" and this is just because I'm such a purist) is the brief language slip with the word "hell". And I wonder, since there's the part that the second time Atzar realizes he can remember the words somebody said the first time, and I was left wondering if he remembered anything else from the first time at all until Bland's words started echoing in his head and he recalled that this happened the first time. But other than that, I absolutely love this! And if it isn't the end, I can't wait for more!

[Atzar]

I'm glad you like it! It's not done just yet, but getting there. Looking at writing two more posts. I meant to write them this weekend, but it just didn't happen. Getting there though.

[Max Dirks]

Yes! You are using it correctly.

Atzar, your dialogue is excellent. Where did this come from?

You're still struggling with run-ons, though. They're considerably breaking the pace of your action sequences. Here's two examples from post 5:

"Right in the middle stood the vast likeness of a goddess, her nude form facing a great stone anvil, her upraised hammer poised to strike"

This should be three different sentences, or at least have some connecting language. Here's how you could clean it up: "In the middle stood the nude likeness of a goddess. She faced a great stone anvil with her hammer poised to strike." Notice how I combined the first two sentences by adding "nude" as an adjective. I also combined the last two sentences with the conjunctive "with."

"Primitive by my standards, the homes were simple constructions of stone and mud, their windows gaping, glassless eyes"

I'd put "The city was primitive by my standards. The homes were made from mud and stone. Their windows were like gaping glassless eyes." Great metaphor there, by the way. I changed it to a simile, but you could leave it as a metaphor without "like" if you wanted.

Good work. The first person is interesting.

[Atzar]

Glad you like the dialogue. I'd attribute it to two things: the fact that I've finally gotten my guy to the point where he has personality, and the fact that Levis shows early signs of being a fun supporting character with an intriguing relationship with Atzar.

Point taken on the run-ons; useful stuff there. Thanks for the advice and input.

[Amber Eyes]

First off, I love this thread. I'm really enjoying it and I want you to finish it!

Overall I really like the characters. Levis and Atzar's conversations are some of the best dialogue I've read on this site. They are both interesting characters that I get a feel for without having to read through ten posts of backstory. You've very cleverly worked in their personalities without having to take focus off the main story. I can't say the same for Bland, though given your choice of his name that may very well be intentional.

I also really appreciate that you aren't drowning me in imagery. I believe we've discussed this in the chat before but I cannot stand when someone feels the need to describe every possible thing in a scene. I want to know what happens, and if the background is important to the story then tell me about it, if not, spare me the extra time reading what I already know about the texture of marble. You've got a great balance here, and it makes for enjoyable reading.

My biggest complaint (really only complaint) is that you use a lot of commas at times. I tend to put a space when I'm reading and see a comma, a 'breath' would probably be the best way to describe it. So when I get to a sentence like this

Then, they grabbed Blandion and, after freeing him from his chain, towed him roughly away by the arms.

it throws me off. This is totally nitpicky stuff, and may not bother anyone else at all but I thought I'd point it out.

Again, I'm really enjoying the thread and I can't wait to finish it.

[Atzar]

Thanks a lot. I definitely understand what you're saying about the commas. The first comma is unnecessary in the first place, and beyond that I could easily play with the sentence structure to streamline it even further.

That's something I'll keep an eye out for as I proofread. Thanks.

As for finishing it: I didn't get any writing done this past week for a few reasons, but finishing this thread is currently second in my queue (I owe Witch a post first). So it'll definitely get done, hopefully sooner rather than later (I'd love for it to happen this week).