Judgment Type: Full Rubric/Full Commentary
Participants: Solo
Plot: 13/30
- Story- 5/10
The elements of story were present in the writing. There was an origin, a decent build, climax, and tapered resolution. The origin story was creative but a little hard to follow. The origin could have used some history information from the character sheet to explain the details of Bellators – where they came from and how they got there.
The progression to the other dimension (Althanas) was fine, and there was an effort to differentiate between the two. Sano did not know what a human was or what a windmill looked like. He did seem to adapt rather well to this strange world and rather quickly without much internal questioning or emotional ques. This may be due to his higher intelligence, but there were no writing elements present to explain this to the reader. The elements to create a climax seemed to be forced, especially with Doran acting so casual around the dragon but then seeming to recall his sister was in danger. If a young boy had lost his sister and was looking for her, this would have been a higher priority in the dialogue and action.
The climax, or battle at the farm, became a little chaotic. The usage of names for every bad-guy was a little hard to follow. Names are better given to more important characters so the reader can maintain focus on them. Those that die a few paragraphs down do not need to be fleshed out unless they play a vital role in the overall story.
The resolution was done well. The usage of the main character getting injured and receiving aid from the others was a good use of tying all the characters in together. Making the hero seem killable is a good mechanic to create suspense for the reader.
- Setting- 5/10
More adjectives and techniques would have brought the setting to life. The imagery for the surrounding area was flat, but the usage of the setting with the characters was admirable. The setting was there for the characters to use and this is vital in creating a living environment. To engage the reader even further, the mention of scent, taste, sound, etc can be used more frequently. New scenes were explained in one big clump, but pulling the character into them was admirable. The following was an effective use of senses to describe the setting:
“He sees a field of grass stretching out as far as the eyes can see. His thoughts are interrupted by the chirping sounds from the flock of birds flying overhead through the blue clear skies. He feels the unfamiliar warmth of the sunlight shielding his body. The air was fresh and crisp, a taste he never knew existed when he slept his days away back at his cave.”
To improve upon this, writing tense needs to be maintained first and foremost. Secondly, stretching these descriptors out over character actions makes it more fluid to the reader. They should not be hit by a setting, then brought into action, but should discover the setting as the character moves about within it.
- Pacing- 3/10
Due to the changes in tense, lack of breaks in paragraphs, and run on sentences, the pacing of the read suffered greatly. The story potential exists and with the proper mechanics would have had an engaging pace, but the delivery hurt the most. When characters speak in turn it is common to break this up for the reader. An example:
“Morning Dad!” said the young boy.
“Morning kiddo! You ready for school?” replied the father.
“Don’t forget to make your bed!” a matronly woman shouted from downstairs.
Each line is attributed to one character and lets the reader know that a change of speaker has been made. An example of confusing speech due to lack of breaks happened in the battle:
“When da boss shows up you gonna get it girly,” Said a scrawny man with missing teeth to a young girl lying on the ground. The young girl, using her rope bound hands, pushes herself up from the ground and sits on her legs. She snaps her head back in order to whip her long blonde curly hair from her face. She looks at the men sitting down next to her. “It’s going to be alright Dominique, you’ll see, “said an older man with silver hair. His voice was gentle but slightly frail. He was hunched over in order to look at Dominique pass the two other men. “I hope so Mr. Nora,” whispered the young man sitting next to him. “Hope is for fools Jacob,” bellowed the skinny man next to Dominique.
Even with the italics, it is easy to be confused by who is talking or if the speaker has changed. The reader is almost forced to backtrack and read the speech a second time once the descriptor of who was talking was made.
Character: 14/30
- Communication- 5/10
Dialogue was the backbone of this thread. Approximately 1/2 -1/3 of the body of text was dialogue or inner monologue. This speech defined the character personalities and allowed the reader to get an idea of who they were dealing with. Some speech seemed forced and inaccurate for the other elements present. This again is mentioned when Doran meets Sano and only much later makes reference to his missing sister. If a game of hide and go seek was the reason they were separated that far apart, it would have been more natural. The overuse of “s” in the slurred speech of the bad-guys hurt the reading flow and could have been more lightly used for the same affect. The use of dialect in writing is an advanced technique which adds more life and flavor to the writing.
- Action-4/10
Overall, not a lot happened in the story. Sano was banished to Althanas, met the boy, grabbed a bite to eat, then went to save his sister. In the breaking of chapters, this does help to explain to the reader that more is to come, but it presses the writer to deliver a sense of purpose to the reader in a short time frame. So far, the only reason Sano helped the boy was because of his devotion to his lover’s will to "help all living things". There was a matter of contradiction since Sano still caused the death of the thugs. Perhaps instead of having a regard for all living things it would have fit better to have the urge to always help those in need. Sano’s colder demeanor yet extremely caring lover is an odd dynamic that needs to be carefully tread upon. It seemed as though Naliin is exceptionally caring and open, where as Sano is reclusive and filled with angst. In a realistic sense, two opposites of moral fiber tend to conflict heavily, yet Sano changed his original personality to help out a strange boy. It confuses the reader as to how Sano is able to effectively assist a stranger when experiencing immense suffering, sorrow, and an unwavering determination to get back with Naliin.
- Persona- 5/10
Character personalities were strong through the presence of dialogue above. The inconsistencies have already been mentioned in the character’s actions. When writing a good story, a sense of purpose needs to be maintained and readers are able to follow on major storyline easier than several smaller ones. What that means is when the characters go off on a tangent or quest, there needs to be distinct reason for that to flow into the main purpose of getting back to Naliin. In this story, the only trying factor was what Naliin would do. It still works, but is not as strong as if the boy mentioned he saw a few other strange things randomly appear in the forest. Then, Sano would have a reason to know more about what he’s seen and give a Sano a greater reason to assist so he could learn more.
Prose: 9.5/30
- Mechanics- 3/10
This will be the weakest area of the writing. As mentioned above, the dialogue needs to be broken up to create proper flow to the reader. There also existed issues in punctuation. Here is an example:
“The torments that go on in his head, that drives his motivation, to do anything, down into a void of despair.”
Out of context, this sentence makes no sense. Even in the reading, it is hard to comprehend and roughly tells the reader that Sano is troubled. The issue with this sentence is there is no independent clause to tie all these independent clauses together. No one fragment of that sentence can stand alone and make sense. A rewrite to sentence would be:
“The torments that went on in his head, that drove his motivation to do anything, were a void of despair.”
Although better as two sentences, a clear sentence would be:
“The torments that went on in his head eliminated his motivation to do anything; his mind was a void of despair.”
- Clarity- 3/10
Issues in tense changing from present to past tense ruined reader clarity. A body of writing should always maintain the same tense. Exceptions for tense change can be made, but should be a paragraph of their own and made to stand away from the main body. Examples of these would be flashbacks, future thought, or similar deviations from the norm.
- Technique- 3.5/10
There was a lack of personification, metaphors, and similes present in the writing. The usage of dialect in speech was effective and added life to the characters. Bold names for first use are useful for the reader. More colorful adjectives and usage of comparison via the above techniques would have fleshed out the details more effectively. Using alternate terms for the same words would have minimized repetition. The mention of Sano being “weak” was vastly overused.
Wildcard: 6.5/10
This is where I can be a little personal and talk about your character like you asked in the request.
I really enjoy the character that Sano could be. I find it curious that he dropped his line of thinking to help out the boy. I figured Sano would have had more hate, panic, or sorrow when he appeared in another realm far away from his love. Sano did not dwell on this very much but knowing he still thought of her and saw visions of her helped to let me know he didn’t completely forget about her. The only issue I had with that was the amount of times he had these visions in such a short thread. These visions largely distracted me from what was going on with the real events. I think it would be nice to flesh out the reason for the visions being attributed to some magic she possesses to keep in communication. Hallucinations could also be explained as a result of his malnutrition.
At present, I see Sano as more of a knight of justice. He didn’t seem to harbor anger for long, his determination to help was unwavering, and he didn’t show any one emotion too strongly. I feel Sano needs a stronger presence, but seeing as how he is just starting out, that leaves plenty of room for development. I want to see more of Sano and I love the character concept. Build him up and keep him going in a strong direction. I want him to struggle with this detachment, get angry, sad, and make a bad choice or two out of brashness. Sano has a lot going on, so future threads are going to be great at explaining what is next to come.
Because of all this, I’m scoring you pretty high in the Wildcard.
Final Score: 43/100
BlueSunUmbra receives:
- 630 EXP!
- 100 GP!
Congratulations!
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