Round 2 Veteran: Play Back Vs Taste of Treason

[Play Back]

I stood and reported everything to Sei; how I had mistook the young girl for a thief, how I chased her through Radasanth under that continued train of thought, and how when I met Steppenwolf, he had explained that he had set the books up in a particular manner that the young lady would know which books to select. The Ixian Captain nodded after each point I made, like a father patiently waiting for his son to finish a story.

“You did well Play Back,” the mute said, “A real shining star among the Ixian Knights. I hope you continue to make such strides in your progress during your stint in the Magus Cup.”

“Yeah, about that?” I scratched the back of my head nervously, “Sei, I mistook a girl given permission to go into your Tombs as a crook, I beat Zerith by some default rule. How the hell do you think I’m going to last long in the Magus? I may be a little decent as an Ixian Knight, but I’m shit when it comes to fighting.”

Sei smiled and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Play Back, your particular power doesn’t come from your hands and strength, but from your mind and heart. Your loyalty to the cause of the Ixian Knights is what will guide you towards victory. I am sure of it.”

I smiled beneath the mask, and Sei must have known because he returned a smile in kind. Satisfied with that answer, I began to walk out of the room. However, I froze when I hear the Mystic’s last ominous words.

“By the way, Play Back. There –is- a chance that somewhere down the line, you’ll be facing me in the Magus Cup.”

Well, shit.

[Max Dirks]

Your writing actually got a bit better when you were rushing to finish. Since you're both veterans, I'll be limiting commentary. TOT is Taste of Treason and PB is Play Back.

	Taste of Treason	Play Back	Notes
Story	5	4	TOT: The story continued your previous match nicely, but it would have been difficult to follow had I not read it. Don't forget back story. Both: I enjoyed both twists at the end, but I feel TOT's was more compelling and gave her an extra point for the conclusion.
Setting	4	4
Pacing	5	5
Communication	4	4
Action	4	4	I wanted to make a point for the passage of time. While I understand the thread was meant to be fast paced, you actually hurt other scores by poorly describing the action. For example, Cellar Door ran past Play Back in the catacombs, but suddenly she was exiting them from the entrance of Ixian Castle. At first, I thought she used the secret playground entrance. Especially after Cellar found herself running through Radasanth. After a re-read, I realized it was never made clear. If you want to advance time in a thread, that's fine. Just make sure the reader is following along with you!
Persona	5	4	TOT: Cellar's desire to understand herself was plainly apparent. You did an great job of building HER urgency by using shorter sentences. Your conclusion was also excellent. PB: Play Back's naivity shown through. I liked how you wrote about his constant need for reassurance by from his superiors. I thought that Play Back was claustrophobic though. Why would he be down in the catacombs with no mention of it?
Mechanics	4	4	Both of you had several usage errors that wouldn't appear on spellcheck. For example, TOT wrote "...I was far to tired to care" on post 5. PB said, "...see the burglar run out of the caves mouth" in post 2.
Clarity	4	5	TOT: You used too many run-ons. Some examples are, "I shouldn't be doing this, there is way too much at stake" and "The room is much larger than I imagined, shelves covering nearly every spare inch of wall space" from post one. "The sun was birght in the sky, near midday if I had to guess" is another example from post 5. A general rule of thumb for first person writing is that if the connecting phrase contains or describes a second noun, it should be a separate sentence. For example, in the first sentence I noted "I" is the subject (noun) of the first phrase and "There" is the subject of the second. You could combine the two: "I shouldn't be doing this because there is too much at stake" or separate them with a period.
Technique	5	5
Wildcard	5	5
Total	45/100	44/100

Taste of Treason advances to Round 3!
Play Back is in Round 2 of the Redemption Bracket.

Taste of Treason earns 750 EXP and 45 GP!
Play Back earns 225 EXP and 44 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!

Play Back jumps to Level 2!