League A (Interdivision): Zack Blaze v. Lye

[Solar Haven]

Thread Title: League A (Interdivision): Zack Blaze v. Lye

Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Zack Blaze and Lye

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Plot: 18 --- 17

• Story- 6/10---6/10

• Setting- 5/10---6/10

You both did a pretty good job at keeping the setting painted the entire thread. There were points were I couldnt quite see the environment they were fighting in but it was by no means a bad setting. I felt Lye did a better job at the beginning with his rather colorful setup and thus gave him the edge here.

• Pacing- 7/10---5/10

Lye, there was a few points that made me stop and re-read your posts. I would recommend proofreading your work one last time before submitting, it should help with your errors.

Zack, pretty solid pacing, I did not feel like the pacing slowed down when it wasn't meant to, or speed up when it was suppose to slow.

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Character: 16 --- 19

• Communication- 6/10---6/10

the dialogue that was there suited both characters just fine. However, there could have been much more depth, adding a bigger reason to their future conflicts besides “the one that got away”.

• Action-5/10---7/10

Lye, as much as I love Lye as a character, there was a few points in time where I had to re-read your descriptions on your attacks. Confusing me and causing me to go look up some additional information. Overall you did a pretty good job but factor in the confusion and extra time it caused me to take away from the thread I had to drop your score.

Zack, solidly done, again, ever action felt like it was coming from someone who had done many street fights. Using the crowd, playing on the opponents emotions everything felt right for Zack. Where it did not add any new depth to the character I will have to sit you down at just a solid score.

• Persona- 5/10---6/10

Zack, you conveyed Zack fairly well. There was points more towards the end I felt confused when reading your posts. What was zack suppose to feel when he realized he was being assailed from above? How did he feel when he saw the plummeting silhouette of a man? With a chain ready to wrap around his neck? The ending felt rushed and lacked emotion.

Lye, you did a better job at keeping emotion throughout the whole thread. However your ending is directly opposite of your beginning. In the beginning Lye was behind an apathy shield and even though he had tinges of emotion in there it felt right. Near the end the apathy shield is gone and he more so seethes in rage and is rather visual with his emotions. As much as it does add to the “He just got his ass kicked” I feel it subtracted from the overall character. If you feel like you need more indepth knowledge of those feel free to pm me.

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Prose: 19 --- 15

• Mechanics- 7/10---5/10

Zack, there was a few instances of commas being misplaced or missing, but overall it wasn't too bad, there was a few instances of wrong words used, such as 'and' instead of 'as'. Overall these were few in number and the ones I did catch on a first read were in the earlier posts. Proofreading the whole thread one last time would of really helped with this.

Lye, you had one main issue throughout the thread. You used non-standard english, you were not wrong but it caused me to re-read and ask questions quite a few times. Thus a few of your other sections suffered from it. As an example!

Green eyes like a hawk remained fixed on one specific individual whilst an eerie grin formed in the darkness.

besides the lack of comma before 'whilst' this sentence suffered from the non-standard english. 'like a hawk' would of served much better if it was placed after 'remained fixed' thus it would read

”Green eyes remained fixed, like a hawk, on one specific individual”

there was a few other instances in the thread but that was the first one I saw. The other issues were misplaced or missing commas and at least a run on sentence or two.

• Clarity- 6/10---5/10

Zack, there were a few occasions where I had to re-read your posts, as I stated before, and thus it hurt your clarity score, if you take my previous recommendations this score would improve.

Lye, the non-standard English issue hurt your clarity score here as well. However, that mixed with run ons and missing commas made some of your sentences confusing and caused me to re read. Overall you weren’t awful with your clarity but you could of definitely improved.

• Technique- 6/10---5/10

You both used metaphor's and personification throughout the thread. Lye, you used it in such a way that was mildly confusing and it fell into non-standard English. Based on the confusion factor and non-standard English you were slightly lower. Zack, you used it, albeit sparsely, to add just enough to the scenes where it really benefited and thus I gave you the higher score.

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Wildcard: 5 --- 5

This fight could of easily been one of the better ones on althanas. In the end it felt rushed and didnt live up to the expectation from either of these characters. I will not be swaying it either way here. I did enjoy reading the thread, the exchanges were quite humorous and over all reflected better on the characters as a whole. However, Because the thread fell short and was rushed I am only awarding a 5 here to each of you.

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Final Score: 58---56

Zack Blaze Wins!:

• 1,834 EXP!
• 65 GP!

Congratulations!


Lye Receives:

• 525EXP!
• 30 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added.