The desert of the real...

[The Cinderella Man]

When Victor’s consciousness returned and once again there was darkness before his eyes, he was certain that the mental bedevilment that the demon put him through was bound to continue. But instead of a horrid malignant voice that echoed through the abyss the last time around, now there were at least three different voices muttering something in an incomprehensible tongue. Also, there was the distinctive sound of daily bustle, feet paddling through the soft sand, mild desert wind sweeping over the eaves of the hut. And unlike during the conflict with the demon, there was a dry heat in the air around him. All of that, combined with the fact that he was most definitely lying on a relatively soft bedroll, managed to prove his initial pessimistic conclusion wrong.

The prizefighter tried to open his eyes next. His right one obeyed, his left one once again exploding with pain, albeit significantly weaker then the last time he tried to move it. Whatever hoodoo the Fallien lady did with her ointment was probably doing the trick. Then again (his ever-present negative side commented) it might be that his eye was just growing numb before falling to ruin for good. Either way, one eye was enough for him to ascertain the environment. He was back in the hut where Inari and he were situated after they were led to the encampment, only now the two of them were joined by Doji that slept serenely on the second bed. Her daughter wasn’t so calm though, sitting at her bedside with a worried sympathetic look on her face, her tail wagging in a sedated manner.

And for some reason, despite the fatigue still prominent in his body and an aching eye, Victor had to smile. Because it was all worth it. For a long time he played it safe, not risking anything, not fighting for anything. His days were all the same perpetual revolution of a carousel that was slowly grinding down the days of his life. But on this occasion he stood up, he fought for something, for them, and because of it Inari had a mother, and Kit had a daughter, and Victor regained a shred of his dignity. And that was reason enough to smile.

“Hey there, Inari.” he finally spoke, his voice a bit too raspy for a rather joyous start of the conversation. “You two doing...”

He never got a chance to finish. The blue-furred reiko was on her feet by the time he spoke her name and in less then a second she had her arms around him. “Vic, you’re alright!” Inari spoke, forgetting all about her sleeping mother and speaking with genuine excitement in her voice. “Thank you so much for saving me back there. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know what would’ve happened.”

She spoke hurriedly, taking a step back after a couple of second’s worth of an embrace with a man that until a few weeks ago was nothing but a common bum to both her and her mother. Victor, who never quite knew how to answer to the scarce thanks he got from time to time, just shook his head in the it-was-nothing kind of gesture.

“Are both of you alright?” he finally asked, his legs swinging down form the bed and his head reminding him that he was still a bit weak from the tribulation with the demon.

“I think so. The folk that brought us here said mommy and you are just tired.” Inari continued in a coy manner that made her look childishly sweet. She returned to her mother’s side slowly, noticing that all the speaking awoke her from her slumber. Victor didn’t fail to notice this either and once those dreamy violet eyes met his own, he couldn’t suppress another smile.

“Good morning, Doji. And I think we’ll all agree that it is, indeed, a good morning.” the prizefighter spoke softly, getting up from his bedroll with several bones in his body crackling and shifting back in their rightful places. “That is, unless the locals still have a beef with us.”

[Reiko]

Waking up’s not an easy thing to do after fighting a demon like that and breaking a sword that was tied to the spirit. Kit thought she might sleep at least for weeks or forever in that case. Still the sight of Inari and Victor raised her spirits. Victor seemed all right and Inari’s bright smile was only worn from being tired for how long she stayed by the side. The only thing to remind Kit of the fight was the blue marks around her child’s neck.

“Good morning Victor.” Kit replied with a smile as she moved to a sitting position on her bed. “And it’s all thanks to you. Might be a good swordsman if you get over holding it like a dead rat.” Kit knew it was that poor grip that saved Inari. “Thank you. I couldn’t ask for a better companion for me and Inari.” Kit smiled as she moved and kissed Victor, surprising her self when she found the lips instead of a cheek.

Inari giggled as she kissed Vic on the cheek and pounced on her mom with a big hug. “You’re Alright, I was so worried when you fell asleep like that.” Inari cried with her tail wagging much more joyously.

“Of coarse I am! It’ll take more than a demon to take me out.” Kit smiled humorously as she returned her child’s hug then turned to Victor. “Well since you fulfilled your oath you no longer have to follow the two of us. But I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind accompanying us as far as Irakkam. It’d make the desert a little more tolerable.”

“Yeah, please.” Inari begged; she wanted to continue on with Victor, at least out of the desert. He was such a fun companion and a good friend. Still even if he agreed, they would lose him like the others. Kit had the worst luck with boys, she met one she liked and would lose them often and Inari knew this as many of Kit’s and her Friends were eventually separated.

A priest walked in the room with a low bow. “Sorry to interrupt.” He looked about to make sure he wasn’t intruding on something too personal and decided it was all right. “I must ask you on the behalf of all my brothers and sisters to take the sword you brought with you. Its evil soul is gone but there are still traces of the evil that we do not want here. I promise you that you will be safe from the demon who no longer controls the sword and is banished to his home for a millennia.”

Kit wished he didn’t interrupt but decided it wasn’t a bi deal. “I’ll take the sword. I broke my katana and I need another weapon.” Kit smiled as she felt the blade placed into her hands. It was cool and none of the evil tingle remained. This blade had caused her such a trial but in the end it was just a tool and without the demon to use the sword for evil it wasn’t truly evil.

“Thank you miss.” The priest ducked away to leave the three alone.

“Well so how about it Vic?” Kit said. “Travel a little further, maybe I can teach you some basic sword work. You have the heart of a good kenshi.”

Inari giggled. “Or we can just play! I know how you don’t like swords that much and I don’t care for them much either.”

Kit smile. “Yeah or you two can just play.”

(Spoils: The Onitachi. A delyn sword that retains some magic from the demon that lived in it. The magic makes the blade extra sharp and it can easily cut though things that a normal blade can't. The blade can cut though stone and wood as long as it's weaker than iron. while it can cut through weapons easier, OOC it's completely up to the owner whether a weapon breaks or not. Weapons and armor are considered to be higher quality. It's mostly for items that are considered as part of the Setting.

Inari get's a two peice blue bikini of spidersilk. all spoils for me are unsellable)

[The Cinderella Man]

Victor wasn’t certain which of the two gestures he found sweeter; Inari’s chaste kiss on the cheek or Doji’s sincere one that landed on his lips. Both were expressions of gratitude and fondness, and they blindsided him completely, mellowing his insides effortlessly. For a long while – ever since Delilah and his departure from Scara Brae – he was never a welcome sight. A down-and-out prizefighter that dragged his ass from one losing bout to another was not something people – especially women – liked to have around. Nobody wanted to stick around with a loser. And during this ordeal, solitude became so prominent in his life that something as simple and innocent as this fragment of gentleness from the two reikos was a milestone moment.

And even though a life debt was always a boulder on one’s shoulder, Victor realized that carrying it in a company of Kit and Inari was a pleasurable task. Suffice to say, when Doji told him that he wasn’t required to do so anymore, the elation of the moment veined a little bit. But only a little bit. Because it seemed that he wasn’t the only one that wanted to break this little camaraderie of three. Kit suggested that they travel together at least until Irakkam, and as if that wasn’t enough of an invitation for him, her daughter was more then eager to make him stick around for a while longer. And once again, that was an emotion that he had not experienced for what seemed like eternity. In the end, it wasn’t even a question whether or not would he go with them. He grew so fond of the pair that he wanted to spend as much time with them as humanly possible, even if it made the final farewell in Irakkam that much harder to accept.

“Well, there is strength in numbers and we’ll need strength while traveling across the desert.” he replied with a mild smile, his hand tousling Inari’s hair gently at which she giggled and tried to stop him feebly.

“I would be honored to join you once again.” Victor added with a mild, semi-serious bow of his head directed towards Doji before he turned to Inari and spoke in a much lighter tone: “And we can do a little bit of both, I reckon. Since I’m a rather slow learner and the desert seems vast, we’ll have plenty of time. We’ll just have to be careful not to jump in any of the sacred ponds again.”

They all laughed, brushing aside the dourness of that moment and remembering the fun parts, and even though he didn’t know it at the time, that moment in the hut - with his eye still hurting and his body still weak – was the happiest time in a long while. Because he was a part of a something akin to a family, something that he longed for and something that always evaded him. It was an illusion for certain, one that would last until Irakkam and then disappear like a cheap magician’s trick, but he clung to it while it lasted and decided to relish in the time with Kit and Inari. Because chances were this was as close as he would get to having a real family. And for a two-time loser such as him, chances were few and far between.

((SPOILS: Victor gains a damascus combat knife that he bought from the Fallien merchant.))

[INDK]

Well, this was a fairly long read and in many ways I feel like the story didn’t need to be this long. It just didn’t have enough twists and turns in it. There is some great character that you guys have, but it seemed you rely on it to the point of ignoring other facets that make for good story.

Total Score= 62 This was some good writing, and it seemed that both of you enjoy writing as your characters. Reiko, I’m really surprised to see you give up on Kit, especially after a thread like this.

Introduction – 7 If I judged this introduction just by the first two posts, I feel like I would have been missing a lot. This introduction felt as if it had taken up the length of the first page. This wasn’t a bad thing in and of itself, it can lead to a lower rising action score if you aren’t careful, but there is no reason to fault you just because you did something unique. This storyline lent itself to this kind of an introduction as well, as you two revealed the results of your past interaction with each other in a way that kept my interest and made me want to read on. By the time the introduction was over, I was already involved in the story. For the type of introduction you guys attempted, it was near perfect. My only qualms would be the repetition of the same character traits from The Cinderella Man and issues that deal more with writing and dialogue.

Setting – 6 My big problem here was that while setting was described fairly well, it always felt like a backdrop and not part of the story.

Strategy – 5 I really dislike the use of deus ex machinas like the shaman, but at least he had a purpose in the story. The thing is, I don’t really feel like you guys went out to make this anything unexpected or unique. The idea of a “love of the child saves the mother” was fairly predictable.

Dialogue – 7 Reiko, at times I felt your dialogue was a bit too simplistic. The sword spoke with a bit more confidence than Kit, which is something I liked, but even then, I wasn’t always pleased with the diction. Cinderella Man, I want to congratulate you on your dialogue. You have a good sense of variation between different characters.

Character – 8 For Kit and Victor, this was very strong. An excellent illustration of how using all kinds of different tools will help you create rich character. Setting could have been used a little better, but I’m getting nitpicky there. What I really decided to take off points for here was how flat Inari seemed. Had she been just a plot device I would have understood, but she served the role of an important supporting character and fell flat there.

Rising Action – 7 Strong character kept this entertaining, but the plot was very simplistic.

Climax – 5 A bit disappointing. Character was great throughout most of the thread, but you didn’t really do much with it here.

Conclusion – 5 While the conclusion was a sweet event from Victor, it seems like he went through a lot that the Cinderella Man should have talked about here. Reiko was better here, I got a much better sense of closure from her, that this event had been a meaningful one for Kit that would impact the rest of her life.

Writing Style – 7 Errors from Reiko certainly hurt here, as did the constant repetition of the same words over and over again. Cinderella Man could occasionally get repetitive. However both of you generally had a solid sense of brevity and appropriateness. Also the story had a solid and easy follow to it.

Wild Card – 5 I’m a bit disappointed in the plot here. It wasn’t that it was bad, as much as I felt like there wasn’t anything that really made this story stand out to me.

Spoils=

The Cinderella Man receives 600 EXP his knife and 200 GP
Reiko receives 1100 EXP her spoils and 100 GP

[Max Dirks]

Rewards added!