Shards of a Perfect Gem (Solo)

[Ashla]

Ashla eventually arrived at the cave. She didn't know what time it was, but nightfall was upon Althanas... Ashla couldn't stop thinking about her child.

Inside the cave, there were several torches lighting up such darkness. Ashla instantly recognized the basket which sat on the ground next to a wooden chair. Hanuh! The child did not make much noise, but the light movement of a stirring blanky let Ashla know that her baby was sleeping. Ashla narrowed her eyes as she looked to the old oak chair. She was surprised of how fat he was...

A brunette elf who had quite some weight on him looked at Ashla. He smiled and got up, "My dear, welcome." He then pointed to the basket and put his finger to his lips, "Shhhhhh, the baby's sleeping."

Ashla felt a smirk come across her face, "Hand her here."

The man frowned, "Weapons?"

Ashla was still armed. Of course, she looked ready for battle and not an exchange. She sighed and removed most of her weapons. Her steel dagger was on her leg. As she took her weapons off her belt, she moved her broadsword in front of her leg and unclipped her dagger. She let it fall into her boot.

After her weapons were dealt with, she stood up and extended her hand. "Now?"

The man walked up to her, eyeing her intensely. Ashla was surprised with how tall he was, even for an elf. He must of been a good seven feet of height! No wonder her was the leader. Ashla herself knew how to keep authority in a situation though, having been the duchess of a country and now the leader of an organization. Ashla crossed her arms and held his gaze. The man bit his lip. "My men never returned the ransom to me ahead of time."

Ashla stifled her urge to gulp and look away. "A sudden invasion of the undead caused us to part. They should return soon..."

The man pointed with his beefy arm towards her stash of weapons. Ashla's eyes turned to see that she'd made a mistake. The man scowled, "Then what are those doing here? They belonged to one of my men."

Ashla cursed herself for taking a dead man's weapons. She tried to scramble an excuse in her head, but it was too late. Apparently, this fat man was a strong man. Ashla found herself flying in the air towards the wall of the cavern.

Ashla fell to the ground with a slight ache in her back. Once again, this girl was tough. But could she take another beating today?

[Ashla]

Ashla pulled herself to her feet, her ears ringing and body just wanting to fall apart. When her ears stopped and Ashla could hear her child starting to cry, she suddenly felt nauseous. She looked up through the strands of long, thick hair in her face. The moment she saw the man walking towards her with a leaf sword she bolted into action. In an instant she found herself from the corner of the cavern to standing right in front of her foe. She now had her dagger out and hopelessly swung it towards his arm. In an instant the lumbering elf grabbed it and was able to twist the knife out of her hand. Moments later, Ashla felt a blade slice across her upper leg and then against her chainmail. The chainmail protected her stomach and chest well, but her shirt she wore above was ruined. She didn't mind that though, the pain in her leg starting to tip her pain tolerance. She took one limp back - it just saved her from what could have been a killer blow in the face.

The man reached out and yanked Ashla up close to him. Ashla could barely read his movements, but suddenly he had her own dagger in his hand and not his sword. The only thing Ashla could feel was this pain, the only thing she could hear was the cries of the child she was standing for. Ashla felt several slashes against her cheek, she could see him wave her dagger, covered in blood, in front of her face. She heard him sneer words. Ashla then found herself suspended in the air again. She hit the cavern floor and slid on it. The young girl now felt delirious, lost in an ocean of pain. When Ashla looked up to see the man bending over to the basket though, motherly love and the numbness in blood she had alone pushed her to persevere one more time...

The Icebreaker's eyes froze over. She desperately lunged towards the man one more time. The best she could do when she reached him was to wallop his head with her bare hands and attempt to choke him. Being a bit pathetic in muscle, and already being in her poor state though, it didn't go well. The bandit grabbed her by the hair and threw her several feet away from them.

Ashla heavily gasped for air between the lingering cries of pain. He stood up, still holding the knife, "I guess I have to kill you first, woman..."

Just shut up and go to haide already! As the man came down on her, reaching for her neck, she grasped his bare, hairy hands. The Icebreaker was fully enraged, beyond her own consciousness and morals. She froze over his arm. The man gasped in surprise at this move. Ashla then thrust her knee into his stomach and reached out with two fingers, aiming for his eyes.

[Ashla]

Ashla gouged her fingers into the man's eyes. Before he could break away, Ashla numbed him with her Particle Restriction - it was obviously quite painful. The man broke away, falling back in all his weight and pulled his hands to his face. As he screamed, Ashla crawled on top of him, grabbing the closest hard thing she could - a jagged rock.

Her eyes were still icy, blood dripped down from her cheeks. Hair was sprawled everywhere. The girl started hammering the rock against his head. "You!" *wham* "son!" *crack* "o-"

The man reached for her again in attempts to push her away. Ashla swung away then started to hit him again. She didn't care what she was doing, she was doing this for her child. All that crying, all those beatings, all that running and worrying... every time the rock collided with the elf's head, it gave her sweet deliverance...

She didn't stop until her arm couldn't move anymore.

[Ashla]

It was as if the cave went silent. Her eyes went back to blue as the stone fell out of her trembling fingers. The man in front of her was dead. Ashla slid off his stomach and was barely able to support herself with her other arm. Face to the ground, she could only see the grey, cave floor and the hair that blocked her view from all else. Images of beating him came back to her suddenly. She saw herself mercilessly beating him. Blood was on the that rock right now... blood was on her hands.

Her eyes rolled back as she puked onto the floor.

The sounds of her child crying faded into her head again. It was the only thing that kept her from killing herself right there and then...

~~~

"F-Fina-a-lllly... H-ave h-h--her-r..."

Bloodied once again, aching all over, currently in tears, Ashla panted as she withered over her prize. Hanuh cried out from a basket. Her mother replied.

"I-it's oka-a-ay, H-annuh. The b-bad people - gone n-now..." She pulled the shaking baby out, wrapping it in an extra blanket, and just kept holding her as tears fell. In her own exhaustion, the wounded mother found the strength still to comfort her frightened infant.

Feeling herself rapidly going faint, she lay down. She pulled another blanket from the basket and made a bed for her baby. The mother curled up next to her child. A single, weary arm wrapped protectively around her. Ashla still felt the nausea, the stinging, the internal shock. She shallowly echoed comfort to her child. "I let m-mnever let... happen... again... ..."

"I swear it."

[Philomel]

Thread Title: Shards of a Perfect Gem (Solo)
Judgment Type: Condescended Rubric
Participants: BlueGhostOfSeaside

Story: 18

The story you write here is a good one, with a thought out story-line and a general planned plot. You use setting to your advantage, changing each scene to go with the emotion of the time, such as a cave for the final dark ending, and never really forget it. Your use of such details, as the torches in the cave are really strong, however you could have used more of these small aspects to strengthen your writing. Pacing however, was a weakness, as it could have been slowed down a lot at the start, especially during posts 1-3 and then in posts 8- 10 at the height of action. In a way the story in these sections seemed rushed, as if you really wanted to get onto the next part of it.
Though the story is exciting and it is easy to understand your desire to get onto the point when Hanuh and Ashla can finally be together again, many things seem to be almost too fast and Ashla too accepting of the situation. You could have expanded on the conversation with herself and the wrinkled man, and used this maybe to your advantage, even bringing him back as one of the warriors later, which would have been really interesting. You do have a strong sense of beginning and end, especially in your repetition of such, which just makes the story more intriguing, and all the emotion is there. However, there is definite room for growth from this. Try putting a lot of detail into your small moments of tension with dialogue and description and this could raise your mark more.

Character: 19

One thing you did particularly well in this thread was capture the heart of the reader and make them exceedingly empathetic towards Ashla. In her tears and her mumblings at the beginning and end (posts 1 and 14, with the words, “"I-it's oka-a-ay, H-annuh. The b-bad people - gone n-now..."”) there was a definite expressive power which really proves you are growing as a writer in terms of knowing your character and writing her well. Even her actions are gentle at times, towards her baby, then powerful when she fights in post 12, showing that you have the ability to be flexible in terms of writing. In terms of action you have definitely improved since your last thread, which this judge did judge, and so extra EXP is going to be awarded here because of this.
However, within a Character context you could certainly develop persona to the extent of adding more of a thought process within Ashla’s mind, to demonstrate the conflicting sides of her as she flits from good to evil in terms of alignment. For your character, this is a certain interesting aspect that you could really explore to develop your persona. Elsewhere, persona is unfortunately lacking in this piece, in terms of presence or strength. Also, in the thread, there was a little confusion of what Ashla did do. As a level 5 character it is known she is certainly extremely powerful, yet she was overwhelmed by six men without so much as a clear fight. If you added action scenes into this, with her possibly fighting and downing a few of them this would make your writing not only more exciting but would show you really know how to manipulate situations with your character.
Overall, Character was done well, in an impressive style, and you have shown you can develop as a writer, so congratulations.

Writing: 16

Writing, overall, was well established and strong, with no noticeable spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. Though, you do place dialogue within a paragraph with other complete sentences, whereas each dialogue line should be on its own (post 2). Similarly, a couple of times the sentences were a little clumsy - such as one from the opening (and closing) section with “Bloodied once again, aching all over, currently in tears, a young woman panted as she withered over her prize.” This sentence has a lot of clauses, each with a comma break, indicating a same-length pause between each. A wider use of punctuation or conjunctions would help here, and your writing in general. Instead, you could try: “Bloodied once again, aching all over and currently in tears, a young woman panted as she withered over her prize.”
Word choice in terms, however, is really strong and a clear indicator of a good writer, especially within this same sentence and the use of “withered”. This shows an ability to be flexible with language, and to imagine it in unusual locations. In general, there is a wider expansion able to be done in terms of linguistic technique, and as a writer you could start to use similies and metaphor in order to expand your descriptions. There are a few adjectives littered around, but a wider use would have been good in this peace. Again, similar to pacing, it would have helped to slow down things a little more, to explain them in terms of Clarity. However, these points aside, your skill in writing is clear and simply needs the aid of a thesaurus or concordance to begin experimenting in your language.

Wildcard: 7

Wildcard points here are going to your general development as a writer, which, over the past few months, has become clearer and more defined. Through this thread you show a strength of tone and story which is carried through to your final post. You balance the beginning and end well, closing it into one finished story and present it neatly with more or less even-length posts. Therefore, well done.

Final Score: 60

Rewards:

BlueGhostOfSeaside receives:

1900 EXP*
75 GP*

*Extra EXP and GP is given as writer has developed greatly in terms of skill and style since last judgement.

Spoil Requests. Awarded: Two rusted iron butterfly swords. Awarded for 95 GP and taken off total awarded GP amount which was 170 GP.

BlueGhostOfSeaside also levels up! CONGRATULATIONS!

[Lye]

Stuff added.