The machinations of Fate (closed to Rayleigh)

[Cards of Fate]

Vincent paused for a moment as he watched her pour part of her heart out as he chewed on a thought. She seemed like she was at a crossroad in her life, on the fence about a very important decision. All she needed was a simple push. "Well if a simple scholar like me can survive these sorts of adventures I'm sure you could with ease." he replied taking a sip of his water. He had not intended to find one of Leona's cards on this mission, but he felt like there was even a chance that this woman sitting in front of him would wind up in the Hierarchy he had to make his move.

"Tell you what." He said turning to the last page of an already filled notebook. "I'm going to leave instructions on how to contact my boss." He said as he scrawled down a rather elaborate set of instructions. "If you ever do want to give the whole going on adventures thing a shot, it's here for you." he said closing the book and sliding it her way with a smile.

It was odd that he was able to speak so easily to her given that perhaps hours ago he had been an utter wreck. Had he just made a friend? The woman looked down at the thick tome of knowledge before her slightly overwhelmed. He had managed to fill an entire book with his knowledge in one sitting whilst telling stories of his adventures. As she looked up she noticed the piles of identical tomes all around them. This young man who couldn't be any older than her had filled all of these books with his knowledge from his studies and adventures. Would she learn as much from such a journey? Neither of them could know for sure.

They gazed at each other silently before Vincent broke the silence. "I'm planning leaving for Raiaera tomorrow." he confessed as he pulled out a sheet of paper and scrawled down some more instructions. "I am a man of my word. Take this letter to Louise, she's a carriage driver. She'll take you off to your next job. After that..." he paused for a moment. "Please do contact my boss, at least so that we can meet up and have drinks while sharing stories..." he said looking rather glum.

[Rayleigh]

"Oh," the young mechanic breathed as Vincent slid the notebook her way. Gingerly, Rayleigh cupped the book, lifting it from the tabletop as a child might handle a small creature. Never before had the girl wielded such immense knowledge, and a part of her feared that it was all too good to be true. Furthermore, his invitation to join his group sent her mind racing, and she reeled from the many possibilities that it allowed. Briefly, she found herself thanking the elderly stranger who had directed her toward this job. So many doors have opened for me. Think of the things I can do now.

Slowly, delicately, Ray opened the notebook to the final page. "Leona Stevvains." Green eyes traced the curves of Vincent's cursive as the unfamiliar name tumbled from her lips. The pair existed in comfortable silence for a moment longer as she read over the scholar's contact instructions. "I will be sure to reach out to her," she confirmed once she had finished. "And I will contact your Louise as well."

Aston grew uncharacteristically still, staring down at the gift that Vincent had presented her with. The gift of wisdom. He had bestowed on her a great tool, one which the untraveled mechanic did not take lightly. A few minutes passed, Ray silently sifting through the book's many pages, Vincent silently watching her do so. The couple in the corner finally took their leave, still cooing to each other in hushed tones as they brushed past; the Jolly Otter had begun to fill as morning gave way to afternoon, and the pair had decided to seek out a more private hideaway. The man in the robes, and the woman with the book, hardly noticed.

Finally, Rayleigh cradled the notebook to her chest. "Thank you, Vincent," she told him sincerely. With a crooked smile, she added, "I know things were a rocky between us for a bit there, but I really do appreciate the help. I'm not sure what I would have done if you hadn't come along, y'know?"

With the unmistakable creak of wood on wood, she pushed back from the table. As she stood, she glanced down at the blonde one final time. "We'll see each other again. And next time, I'll be the one telling the stories." She jabbed a small, slender finger toward him, emerald eyes wide and laughing. "I swear it."

[Rayleigh]

This concludes The Machinations of Fate!
(Ray's first roleplay on Althanas!)

Rayleigh's story continues here.
Vincent's story continues here.

There are no spoils requests.

[Tobias Stalt]

Cards:

+ There was a story. I felt like it could have been stronger, but it was defined.
+ Vince is a character who has depth. It's not exceptionally deep yet, but it's in progress.
+ Expound on the thoughts and feelings of your character. You have a problem with post length because you go bare bones. Don't be afraid to actually play off of who the character is.

- You've since moved on from this format, but be reminded: centering text is a strain on the reader. Be aware of your formatting.
- Vincent as a character has an external locus of control, given that everything he does is centered around the Tarot. I feel like the character has the potential to be more gripping than that. Start to evolve him into a self driven character with personal motives. The only way to go is up.
- Remember to do your edits before requesting judging. We went over the whole "Lindequalmë" thing.

Ray:

+ I love pretty much any character who hates magic. Make sure she sticks with that consistently as you write her, though, or build her trust in it. Gotta go one way or the other, there is no middle ground here.
+ Just got this one thrown at me in the AC, so let me impart it on you. Pick one name, "Rayleigh" or "Aston" and stick with it throughout your narrative. Switching it up is confusing. (Gotta learn this one myself.)
+ For a second judged thread, you're not doing badly. Althanas can be hard on newbies, but it also teaches them a great deal. Try out the full rubric, sometime. These basic judgments can only get you so much feedback.

- Best advice Dirks has ever given me: "You can tell you came from a T1 site." A lot of the writing you do attempts to focus on specific attributes of the character's movements or features. For instance, at the beginning of a sentence. "Blue eyes wandered over green trees..." While not improper in theory, in practice, it throws another question at the reader. "Who's blue eyes? Are they disembodied?" While your subject and verb do agree, the object is not clear. A pronoun can alter an entire sentence's meaning.
- Rayleigh is a spitfire character, but she sort of transitions between feelings quickly. I suppose that doesn't count as a negative, but you should be sure to make the transition as fluid as possible. I realize short stories can move and do move quickly, but your pace is still important.
- Show, don't tell.

Cards gains 900 Gold and 100 Gold

Rayleigh gains 1000 Experience and 150 Gold. (Extra given for improvements virtue of discretion.)

Congratulations.

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!