The Five of Swords : Thread Link
Judgment Type: Condensed
Participants: Cards of Fate, Cerock
Plot: 11/30
The story started off very slow. I found myself waiting for the pace to pick up, and it most certainly did. The last half felt incredibly rushed especially given the slow start. As far as recruitment threads go, the basic necessities were all there, you found him, invited him to join, he did. Otherwise there was very little story to go on. Throughout the thread there were small glimpses at possible altercations and mysteries, but none of them were fleshed out enough to offer anything substantial to go off of. The ending was an interesting twist, but it felt almost like an afterthought. Aside from the blue pain in the beginning, the reader was given little to go off of and so the surprise was missing some buildup.
The setting was mentioned, but there was little interaction with it. Did the smell of meat cooking make Vincent hungry? Did he search the tavern for the source of the smell? Cerock- you describe what is in the room in Cerock's home, but give little detail. Is the chair worn from him sitting at the end of a long day? Are the floors dusty? Does the place smell of something? Work these little details in throughout to add depth to the thread.
Character: 12/30
The dialogue was bland throughout. Cerock comes across as abrasive in the narrative but it doesn't shine through in conversation. With the exception of his one outburst there was very little to go on here. Vincent's excitement at finding his mark so easily was also an excellent chance to add some character to the dialogue and I would have enjoyed seeing that play out.
From the captain, to Bear, the NPCs throughout the thread seemed to be there only as a backdrop. Fleshing them out a bit more would go a long way to engross the reader in the thread. There were some promising moments (the captain seeking to rid his wares tax-free, Bear’s prior knowledge of Cerock) but it wasn’t enough to make them seem real.
I like that you took a couple posts establishing your characters before they began to interact, but you missed a huge opportunity to give the reader a taste of who they were.
COF- Was Vincent really sure enough about the first guy he saw with a tail being ‘the dragon’ that he invited him immediately back to the House of Cards? Vincent is no dummy, let the reader see his reasoning here or perhaps have him question it for a bit to add some depth.
Cerock- you mention Cerock being found and immediately pulled my interest into his backstory. The nursery rhyme was a nice touch, but it would have meant a lot more with just a tiny bit more context. Cerock sees himself as strong and capable but has this soft spot for his pet rock. That’s interesting, but the reader shouldn’t have to dig up your profile to understand it.
Prose: 12/30
COF- You switch between present and past tense quite a lot. At first I thought the switch was intentional between your first two paragraphs in the first post, but you continued to do this throughout. It causes the reader to constantly re-read and makes the thread feel disjointed. Remember the using a word processing program to catch errors only goes so far. In your second post you used the instead of they. These errors won’t be caught by word or google docs, so a quick read-through is a must.
Your actions are for the most part clear and well defined. At times though, it seems you went as far as to spoon feed things to the reader which led to slow pacing.
Both the bread and rum in post 5 seem to appear out of nowhere. Just a quick note of Cerock reaching into a cabinet or picking something up from a table would help with clarity and action.
Cerock- You have a solid basic grasp on mechanics, but there are areas where you seem to struggle. There are points where you use words that don’t necessarily fit such as your use of adored in your opening post.
I had to re-read several areas due to the mechanics issues listed above. When you have several run ons with action, it can be difficult to keep track of the movement.
Both of you- Run ons are rampant throughout. There are also several fragments, though some of those may have been stylistic so they did not hurt your score here. Just be sure that if you make a stylistic choice you do not repeat the same issue at a later point unintentionally, as it makes the reader question if the first one was, in fact a mistake.
Wildcard: 5/10
As stated earlier. The necessary elements for a good story were there, but it just missed the mark. I enjoyed the quick read, but throughout I just wanted more.
Final Score: 40/100
Cards of Fate receives:
- 350 EXP!
- 55 GP!
Cerock receives:
- 295 EXP!
- 55 GP!
Congratulations!
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