Thread Title: After the Ash Had Fallen
Judgment Type: Condensed
Participants: Philomel, Enigmatic Immortal, Roht Mirage, Lye
Plot: 16 / 30
The storyline was fairly clear at the beginning – Philomel is captured after she murdered Zack Blaze. Astarelle goes to help her because of a certain allure, and Jensen helps Astarelle for similar reasons. Then Lye shows up to also help free Philomel. It was simple enough to start with, but began to lose some focus when more elements were added in. There were supposed betrayals, half-truths, hidden agendas; the lines of morality are often blurred when enemies end up working together, but I felt like a lot of additions in this thread certainly muddled the whole. In truth, the story was separated into three parts – the camp fight with Ambrose, Philomel and Astarelle’s playful/serious escape, and Lye’s tracking of his asset. While these three parts intersected with one and other at different points (especially at the end,) it certainly proved to be a bit taxing on the pacing of the thread. Barring Philomel’s initial dalliance into murder during her escape, much of the real action of the story took place between Philomel and Astarelle, and the strange mixture of duty, curiosity, and attraction that played throughout their interaction. But cut in between those scenes were brutal depictions of Jensen’s savage beatings. Meanwhile, it seemed to take Lye quite a while before he caught up to everything. While I don’t necessarily think this was a failure, it is certainly jarring for a reader to be caught between such glimpses of high octane energy and simmering emotional drama, especially with such a rapid switch between the two.
As far as setting went, there seemed to be a lack of it for long stretches, but I think each of you ended up bringing a pretty vivid picture to display as the thread progressed onward. Roht Mirage, I think, was the strongest in this regard, but there were scenes from each of you that presented themselves as the perfect backdrop.
Character: 20 / 30
By far the strongest category for this thread. Enigmatic Immortal, with all the descriptions of Jensen as an insane person, none did him the true justice that I ended up reading during your posts. I think some of the descriptors after the dialogue might have gone overboard (with words like “gleeful” used repeatedly,) but you could certainly see that strange mix of exuberance and abhorrence of violence that colored Jensen as a character.
Philomel, while there were times I felt that you character seemed to stray a bit away from the seductive manipulator that she’s described as being, by the scene in the copse, the image was cemented for me. Early on, I was disappointed that she’d been able to manipulate the guard into undoing Veridian’s harness, only to have the familiar maul the guard, and allow her to escape by “maiming” people on the way. Not only does this lack subtlety, it’s a downright easy way to get caught in a fairly small, well-armed camp. I would have liked to see something more along the lines of Philomel using the opportunity to have the guard as a distraction for the camp while Veridian undid her bindings, even with just a simple request. However, as I mentioned, the forest really allowed a filter of vulnerability to fall on Philomel, and the way she played these confusing feelings off while messing with Astarelle’s head certainly seemed fitting with the character, as well as a downright interesting read.
Roht Mirage, I simply loved Astarelle’s interactions with Philomel and Jensen, as well as some of the venom she ended up spitting Lye’s way. Like Philomel, you opened your character up to vulnerability, which is always a great hook for a reader to empathize with. However, she had just witnessed the aftermath of what the faun was capable of. By your own words, the corpse on the tent floor turned out to be an Ixian Knight, and while Astarelle may see the need to help a maybe-friend outweighing any loyalty to the PG, the image of that body would’ve been a nice afterthought during their meeting. While she wasn’t completely sure why she was helping this fugitive, there seemed to be some chunks missing from her fleshed out doubt.
Lye, there was some great manipulation from your character, but also some savage inconsistency I can’t really overlook. While I enjoyed the image of him, back turned and staring off into the distance, whispering sweet doubts in people’s hearts, the fact that he clearly demands some respect from his underlings made Philomel pulling a knife without consequence seem odd. He even thought that such a move against him warranted a violent response, but decided against that. This leads a reader to think that Lye’s not really a man of his convictions, or that his threats aren’t to be taken seriously, and I don’t believe that’s a feeling you were getting at. Instead, if you wanted to have such moments, I would have switched it from him suppressing his temper, to feeling just above the whole affair, as if even responding to her disobedience was beneath him, or to ignore her words while in front of Astarelle.
Prose: 14/30
There were so many typos in so many posts. I’d echo many a judge’s comment about throwing your work through a word processor to catch them (and there were quite a few that would have worked for,) but a lot of the mistakes in this thread weren’t something Microsoft word could catch. There were numerous omissions of commas, strange breaks midsentence, run on sentences, and even my favorite line from the thread:
I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at that.Originally Posted by Enigmatic Immortal, Post 3
With so many issues with mechanics, clarity suffered throughout. It wasn’t anything entirely major, but I certainly had to reread a number of awkward phrasings to make sure it fit the narrative I had in my head. These sort of mistakes are things only proofreading can really fish out, but I know firsthand that you giving something you’ve recently wrote a once over isn’t always enough. Either your eyes are tired, or, as you read, the thoughts you’d come up with in your head fill in or paint over any gaps in the actual writing. What I would suggest, if you’re having this issue, is to have someone else give it a quick onceover for you. A fresh set of eyes are almost as invaluable to the process as a keyboard.
Beyond this, there wasn’t an overabundance of technique, and the thread read alright once I reconciled the mistakes in my mind.
Wildcard: 7/10
For all its faults, I actually felt an emotional investment with all the characters. I wanted Philomel to escape, I wanted her and Astarelle to share something sweet, I wanted Astarelle to find some comfort in Jensen when that failed, and I wanted Jensen to find some peace in that embrace as well.
I also wanted Lye to get a better trained bird.
Final Score: 57/100
Philomel receives 855 EXP & 125 GP
Roht Mirage receives 725 EXP & 75 GP
Lye receives 600 EXP & 60 GP
Enigmatic Immortal 825 EXP & 60 GP
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