Thread name: Sacrosanct
Participants: Tobias Stalt
Mood: Sleepy with a mild case of rainy day blues
listening to: sick wubs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lh4ZrPK2Dqs
Plot: 14 out of 30
Story: 5- Your story was solid in the first half of the thread. You seemed to be riding the hype of “The Light That Blinds,” and it was a rush. You opened strong but you just…lost all of your steam and it began to drag and suffer. The end of the thread had me feeling disappointed, but hopeful for the next thread in your Salvarian saga.
Setting: 5- As with your story you were strong in the first half, and honestly your setting was the only thing that seemed to stay somewhat consistent except for the very end. A notable case that leaped out to me was when Tobias was following the witch’s tracks and you pointed out some actual details that he was using to track her. It felt very tense, but after the witch encounter things seemed less detailed. It wasn’t completely gone, but it took to the backseat and seemed to stay there.
Pacing: 4- You started fast and it was breakneck speed, but you lost so much steam and the last half dragged on forever, and then suddenly it was over. Much can be attributed to you losing interest in the thread, and there was a visible point where you just seemed to say “screw it lets end this here”
Character: 16 out of 30
Communication: 5- Honestly a great delve into the struggles of Tobias. None of your lines felt off the norm and you honestly portrayed Tobias and all of the other men well. You cast Tobias as his usual gruff self, struggling with the indoctrination of the church. You did seem to struggle with you first person style here, so a few things may have gotten lost in translation.
Action: 5- Nothing felt terribly hard to understand or follow, and most everything Tobias seemed to do was in line with his character. Again like stated before, your quality dropped over time but it never got terrible. Everything you did was easily interpreted save maybe the scene with the witch once more, my first reading of that post left me terribly confused, but this was the only spot I seemed to have any huge issue with action wise.
Persona: 6- Wow. This thread does a great job showing Tobias in conflict, he seems to be hesitant in his actions, and we catch a glimpse of him on the edge of the abyss right as he takes a swan dive. Having read TLTB everything here seems to progress forward and is excellently written. He flashed back to conversations with the Archon, we get inside his head in first person, it really gives the reader some insight to Tobias and his struggle to maintain himself and compartmentalize the propaganda he’s being fed.
Prose: 14 out of 30
Clarity: 5- A few parts I had to stop and reread, but mostly it was a fluid read that just seemed to drag at the end. Most of your issues came from you struggling with first person style or basic mechanics issues. There were posts with double words like “the the” or straight up missing words that often derailed me in the second half of the thread. Luckily by this point you had yielded over to the more dialog heavy portion of your tale, so action scores did not dip as badly as they could have. Remember to check your work thoroughly! You’ve gotten on to me about this in the past so you need to practice what you preach!
Mechanics: 4- The last half of your thread was where your mechanics slipped enough for word to start catching your mistakes. You obviously stopped caring, and you used mana somewhere around 20 times in about 200 words. At first I thought it was some cool literary technique you were going for, but then it devolved into lazy writing. Make sure you try to run everything you do through some form of spellchecker to catch things you had missed. Remember to come back with fresh eyes after a while and edit as well, you’ll catch more mistakes the more you sit down to fix it.
Technique: 5- Nothing to write home about, you used first person well but sometimes it felt like you were struggling a tad, but again you just seemed to stop caring so I’m not sure if it’s writing ability or you just giving up the ghost. In the first half you did an excellent job with page breaking into one liners to make them pop out. However, you did so much it stopped having an effect your writing, and became distracting at times. Your worst section where you did this was your explanation of your “mana.”
Wildcard: 7- You struggled with this thread but I’m giving you points for a number of reasons. For starters you forced yourself cross the finish line even though you clearly were not feeling the thread. I also know you did this whole thing from your phone, you crazy person you. While it wasn’t your best I watched you struggle from the sidelines and am impressed you finished where I would have thrown in the towel.
Final Score: 51
Tobias Stalt gains 1,150 exp and 150 GP!
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