2015 May Vignette

[Lye]

Closed, to be judged soon.

[Rayleigh]

General Thoughts: For this particular vignette, I was looking for the prompt to be applied in a very literal, very clear way. Overall, I found that I was most impressed by pieces that really got inside the onlooker’s head. It was not enough to merely include someone else in a conversation with your character; I wanted to see you flesh out the new perspective that you were writing from.

Medeia – First Place
I thought that this was a fantastic piece overall. You used the prompt in a very creative way; by focusing on the many differences between your onlooker and your character, you were able to teach the reader quite a bit about them both without growing repetitive or overwhelming. You told a complete story with just the right amount of background information, a clear conflict, mounting tension, a climax, and a resolution. Well done.

200 EXP
200 GP

Erirag the Poet – Second Place
This was beautifully written. You used just the perfect amount of description to guide your reader without bogging him or her down. I also appreciated the way that you used your onlooker. Writing from the perspective of someone who dislikes your character can be difficult, but it is also an excellent way to address your character’s flaws, or stereotypes surrounding them. You were true to the prompt throughout, and your nod to the events in the Red Forest was really great. Finally, I enjoyed the bit of mystery that you kept up until the last sentence.

240 EXP
150 GP

Pettigrew
Without a doubt, your strength here was persona. You breathed life into your characters in a way that few authors can, and you managed to give each very unique quirks and personality traits. With that being said, I did not feel that one of your secondary characters drove the focus of your story the way the prompt requested. While you described Lisa’s actions, Pettigrew was present enough that I did not really sense a shift in perspective. I would have loved to have seen a bit more of what was going on in Lisa’s head, or perhaps a bit more about how Lisa viewed Pettigrew.

100 EXP

Aelin Valth
This was a very sweet piece. Your use of first person really helped put the reader inside your onlooker’s head; you were wise to choose that approach. I really enjoy how you used this opportunity to draw attention to your primary character’s flaws. I also appreciated the character development that you included here. Aelin learned an important lesson from his mentor here, and I rarely see that level of growth in vignettes. You did have a few grammatical issues, mostly involving tense changes, which is common if you are not used to writing that way.

100 EXP

Philomel
I thought that this was a really interesting story. I really liked learning a bit more about one of your side characters. You used this opportunity to tell the tale of “the bad guys” in one of Philomel’s skirmishes, and in doing so, you portrayed her very differently. It would have been easy to simply describe her as you normally would, but that was not what the prompt asked, and that was not what you did. I enjoyed the fact that she was captured by your onlooker, though I would have loved to have seen a just a bit more information explaining how they became friends. I certainly would not expect another thousand words, but compared to the rest of your piece, your ending was very abrupt. On that matter, a few paragraphs in the middle of your story felt a bit too heavy narrative-wise. It read a bit like the history portion of a journal, and I don’t think that all that background information was necessary.

400 EXP

BlueGhostofSeaside
Of all of this month’s vignettes, you did the best job getting into your onlooker’s head. You let it shift not only your perspective, but also your writing style. It takes a very dynamic author to achieve that, so great job! This did affect your pacing just a bit, as you had quite a bit of internal reflection, while the bulk of your action was limited to only a few, very simple lines. Perhaps this was a stylistic choice, meant to further portray how your little girl processed what was happening, but I felt that the middle of your story was slightly lacking as a result.

350 EXP

BlackAndBlueEyes - Close Contender
Let me begin by complimenting your use of a journal. It was a really unique approach to this vignette, and it worked quite well. You did an excellent job demonstrating how your onlooker looks up to your primary character. Maddy is portrayed as almost a parental figure to Hyperion, a theme that you craft through the use of simple repetition. His constant comments about Maddy being smart comes across as very childish, which I think was fantastic. Through this, you taught your reader quite a bit about Maddy as well. I was excited to have seen a side of her that I wasn’t accustomed to. My biggest critique here was that there was no real tension, or clear direction. It was more a list of observations, which I suppose is the nature of a journal entry. You did a nice job of incorporating some action near the end, but a bit more would have really added to your piece.

600 EXP

The Mongrel - Close Contender
You did an excellent job of getting inside your onlooker’s head. Her opinion of Illara perfectly matched the story that you wrote for her. My only issue here was that your post was a bit on the passive side. While your character was limited to observing Illara, a clear choice that you made given the elf’s lone tendencies, the story still felt a bit lacking. It was a nice piece, but when I finished reading it, I was unsatisfied. A bit more action, or perhaps a more memorable run in with Illara might have given your vignette just a little more zest.

200 EXP

Maia
This was a very creative, very unique interpretation of the prompt. Your onlooker interacted with your primary character without being in the same room as her. It was a challenging approach, but you pulled it off very well. My only critique would be that your story had just a touch too much description. I felt a bit like I had to trudge through it to get to what was really important - what Uruviel learned, how she reacted to what she read, and what the piece was about. I enjoyed that building mystery, but I do think that a couple of your paragraphs toward the end could have been condensed.

300 EXP

Thank you all for participating! This was tough to judge, as there were so many excellent submissions!

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added.