Critic's Corner

[Storm Veritas]

I'm way behind on a few threads and have some work to do, but am bumping this in hopes I can finish and get to read that for you.

[Medeia]

~Rolled a slightly larger rock through. Someone would be squished. (Probably me.)~

[Medeia]

Thanks, Storm!

[Rayse Valentino]

If anyone wants to read over our unfinished thread, that's be great! We don't get a whole bunch of time to write lately, but we'd love some feedback.
Here

Your first sentence has a single subject but uses 'their lives'. If you're talking about both Garron and Medeia in this sentence, then introduce them together or just say 'his life'. You also said he 'strode along', but nothing else is mentioned about the setting in the paragraph. I don't need to know anything about the setting if you begin with a thought, but if you bring it up then at least finish it.

You threw a lot of exposition at the start without any events happening. It was a bit heavy for someone that didn't know anything about your characters. As I read on, the deceptively long descriptions didn't stop... is this what they call purple prose? I've never identified it in the past but I think this is it. I tend to get to the point so maybe it's just personal preference, but lines like these are what I mean:

Lapping heavy against dark rotting barnacle laden support logs of the slightly uneven dock-line bathed in lichen, the majestic great ocean sent in her white-capped sentinels in waves of battle-lines, forever battering into the shields of her eternal landmass enemy under late morning, vastly clouded azure skies.

Seems unnecessarily... melodramatic? Not sure if I'm articulating myself well enough here.

Large sections of your posts are in italics. I do not understand why. If you have a flashback, make a separate post for it. Do not put the whole thing into italics. If it's in the past, start it off by stating that it takes place in the past. You also have to be careful in sticking flashbacks in the middle of your plot, your pacing takes a hit.

You also have a bunch of ~~~~~~~ stuff. Why not just make new posts? More paragraphs? It's always good to split things up, make it easier on the eyes for the reader. Especially the dialogue. Make a new line when someone else speaks. Have like one sentence max before a new speaker. In some cases you had an entire paragraph before the spoken line of dialogue. I'm finding it difficult to follow what's going on or who's speaking or how the events are transpiring with the unbroken blocks of text.

I had to look up what a faro game was. I think some small description about that would be nice.

Repetition:

As they passed, peering

They passed, making

There is also a lot of conflicting moods going on in a very short amount of time, and while you're explaining actions and dialogue, you're not showing any feelings. I know people are angry because they said something an angry person would say, but there's nothing in their body language or the way they speak.

As I read this, it seems rather... dry to me. This paragraph for example:

Decrulitlul's villagers looked like an undead bunch. One would think being in the sun for so much of their lives would appear somewhat healthier. It had been obvious the saltine spray of the ocean mingling with the breath-stealing humidity had taken their atmospheric tolls on these people. Their skin was like old yellowed parchment, seemingly about to peel or split at any moment with the wrong ping of movement, and their repellent body odor was something that could choke a worm. Garron wondered if any of these villagers knew what a bath was, but he knocked the thought off with the repulsive smell of his own days old unsavory spice wafting up striking his nostrils. He definitely needed a bath himself, and he hoped he could find one here, but he wasn't going to stake it feasible. Faded grey and brown burlap wrapped most of Decrulitlul's inhabitants, and their hair looked as if it were brittle and wired to their heads in tight scalp binding braids the length of their skulls, much like the irritating style Medeia braided his hair to fit in. It amazed Garron that once entered into the cool embrace of the parent ocean, the paper-like plebeians of Decrulitlul sprang to life.

Like a British traveler writing in his journal on a ship because he has nothing better to do than focus on the peculiarities of the grain of wood below him. You need to be careful that you're writing as a narrator, not just the private thoughts of your characters. You need to move the story along, and if you stop for too long you need to think of a good reason why. Also, Garron needs a bath, so he shouldn't judge them, that's what that paragraph tells me.

Why are we still talking about the town, anyway? I feel like we need to move on from that. Brevity I think is the theme of this review. I know you two can be descriptive, no one will doubt that, but excessive description will just cause people to skim through for some action. I noticed this more with Garron than Medeia.

That's all I got for now. Let me know if it helps.

[Medeia]

Any critique helps, and thanks for taking the time to read through our post! The italics and squiggly line things were suggested to me by some of the people from here. Normally, I caption such breaks with an italicized Two weeks prior... header (or the like), but as I'm still a sapling here, I wanted to make it evident that a flashback was my intent.

As for faro, shame, shame on you for not knowing it!! No, really, I had to look it up the first time I ran across it in a book as well. I figured context clues would suggest it a card game, and as its definition didn't directly affect the story, I didn't go into detail. (If you've ever watched Tombstone, the game they are playing in the Oriental is faro. ^^)