Battle on the Border - Ayithe Vs Elite Optic (Closed)

[Ayithe Solete]

Ayithe listened to it all, every word that left its mouth. What had she done to deserve such a chance? If it were true, it was her freedom. She'd never just believe it outright, but even so, it had opened an opportunity for her to escape.

She rolled up the contract and took another step back, shivering from the cold water she limped a little further away.

What are you trying to do...I can't believe you're helping me out of the goodness of your own heart...Not that you have one. Though, he has shown me he's more than just...dead.

Ayithe retracted her wrist blade and wiped the remaining water from off her face, then she turned away peeking over her shoulder as she wandered far from his position by the pool side. He couldn't drag himself as fast as she could limp. She knew that at least, the more time she created for herself, the better.

"I'm not smashing you head in. You'll only be back faster...Now you can drag your way back." She smiled to herself, if only for that moment.

Once she felt comfortable, she stopped looking over her shoulder and continued to limp until she was completely out of sight. Sitting herself a few large boulders, she rested; exhausted. Yet not even the crow was flying above her, she was free of him, for now at least.

How much of what it said was true? Where should I go? What should I do.

She held out the infamous contract, the cause of all her troubles.

"Ietus..."

[Rehtul Orlouge]

Storytelling (6/10): Honestly, the story, for what it was, a back and forth between the undead and the hunted, leading up to a reveal, was satisfactory. Some of the grammatical errors made it a bit difficult to figure out exactly what was going on, but for the most part the story seemed to be driving toward something.

Setting (8/10): The setting was done well, all things considered. There were things that stood out as a little out of place, but nothing that a quick read through of your own wouldn’t be able to spot. All in all, it was good. Though it was lightly marred by the grammatical problems inundating the thread, it still had a very good feel to the scenery, and wasn’t just used as a backdrop. You seemed to make it a point to use the setting to your advantage and disadvantage for your characters. I liked this.

Pacing (5/10): I can’t quite put my finger on it, but due to the way the thread was written, it seemed extremely slow for what was basically one long drawn out chase scene, followed by a climactic fight ending in the “death of the undying,” in a manner of speaking. I’m not sure that in what I’m sure was supposed to be a very nerve wracking, nail biting experience, that you want to go with this particular pace in the future. Toward the end of the thread, however, the pacing picked up and went more in the direction that felt natural for such a story.

Communication (5/10): While the dialogue was decent, due to some poor word choices and errors in bringing up the things that your characters said. While this did occur on both sides of the line, and not in a small number of places, the body language paired with the thoughts put forth by each character were able to bring this to an average score. I suggest reading your characters’ dialogues aloud and stopping at each period and pausing at each comma, for instance. It comes off sounding a bit stilted.

So you know I’m not just saying this, take these two examples:
EO: "I've got them all. That means it's just yourself...and Raslin. Where is he? I'd advise you not to mess me around anymore."
AS: What are you trying to do...I can't believe you're helping me out of the goodness of your own heart...Not that you have one. Though, he has shown me he's more than just...dead.

Action (7/10): This was good. I’m not going to lie, there were a few muddy parts, but for the most part I wasn’t confused or wondering why something your characters did something. So, all in all, a solid effort. Polish up the grammar a bit, and look over your word choices, and this will be much better in the future.

Persona (6/10): Your characters seemed fleshed out and real enough. They felt a little stilted at times, probably just from inexperience writing them in certain environments, but all in all this was a solid effort, and I won’t spend much time harping on anything.

Mechanics (2/10): There were a ton of grammatical errors in this thread. The sentence structure was solid, but the grasp on grammar itself needs a bit of work to be brought up to par. For example, ellipses ( the “...” symbol) are not a bridge between words. They continue after the end of the previous word and there is a space between it and the next word. It works the exact same way a period does.

While I would like to go in depth with both of you on these issues, with that one small lesson being only a small part, I don’t think I could honestly fit it into this Judgment, especially considering how long I’ve left the two of your waiting on this. However, if either of you have any questions regarding your mechanics, or need any advice at all, please contact me. I will be more than happy to help.

Clarity (8/10): Had little trouble figuring out what was going on, unless the mechanics slipped me up.

Technique (5/10): About average. Nothing of particular not, and nothing too fluffy either. This is a solid 5.

Wild Card (5/10): Despite the various problems concerning the mechanical in this thread I did actually enjoy the read. The characters are interesting and the story seems to be building toward something. I like the ideas that you’ve set forth and the thought of this contract business that killed off all of Ayithe’s friends. Twould appear to be most interesting. I look forward to seeing the two of you improve as writers and continue to play here. I greatly look forward to the next chapter in this story.

Total Score: 57/100

Elite Optic Receives 950 XP and 115 GP
Ayithe Solete receives 1,050 XP and 125 GP

[Rayleigh]

All EXP and GP have been added!