Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 28 of 28

Thread: Matriarch's Wish

  1. #21
    Hand of Virtue
    EXP: 87,799, Level: 12
    Level completed: 84%, EXP required for next level: 2,201
    Level completed: 84%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,201
    GP
    16,708
    SirArtemis's Avatar

    Name
    Artemis Eburi
    Age
    28
    Race
    Human (+ Dovicarus)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Dark Brown and Gray
    Eye Color
    Piercing Blue
    Build
    5'8"
    Job
    Smith

    Blood was seeping out of me from countless cuts. My body felt like it would take weeks to recover, but that took into account the very bold assumption that I survived all of this. When we had made it to the second floor, somewhere near a hundred foes had been waiting for us. Pushing through that sea of enemies to reach the stairway to the third floor was costly and many of our allies had fallen along the way, sacrificed for a cause greater than any of us – though none of us knew why.

    As we rushed out onto the third floor, more resistance awaited as another large group of enemies gathered around what looked like a large platform, set against the wall to the opposite side of the room.

    <“What is with this back and forth design? Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?”> I cursed under my breath. I felt so many emotions welling up inside of me and if it weren’t for the severity of the situation, I’d likely have been on the ground sobbing hysterically.

    <”We must get the winged-one to the platform, quickly! It will take us to the mistress!”> I was surprised by the remaining discipline of the ethereal warriors. Despite the ongoing losses and onslaught, they invariably found their formation and pressed onward. Unfortunately, this group of enemies had with them four tulartars covered in full plate from head to toe.

    ‘How do you even fight that?’ I found myself thinking. I was losing hope. I was losing motivation. This wasn’t a good time for that.

    <”Wedge! Split their lines so we can hold the lift!”> The captain’s orders were swiftly enacted as the shields of the spectral warriors reformed and drove onward toward the many skegulls and cattyans that awaited. The tulartar’s rushed toward us with their own shields lowered, moving unexpectedly swiftly for creatures of their size. They towered over me, almost one and a half times my height, and their weight and momentum broke the wedge surprisingly easily.

    <”There’s no time, we have to get the winged-one to the platform. You, take her and go. I’ll activate the lift and my men will hold them back.”> The captain handed Azza to Holly, stepping into the battle. The captain himself must have been a tulartar, or he resembled one at the least. Among the spectral soldiers of ours were two more that must have been as well given their size, so at least the numbers were somewhat even. While the opposing beasts wielded sword and shield, ours carried with them large two-handed weapons, one with a maul and two with swords. <”Open a path for them, then form up defensively!”>

    As we managed to cut through, our small group found their way to the platform. <”Activate it!”> Oswald yelled, standing beside Holly as she held the still-bleeding Azza.

    The captain turned, tossing a crystal toward me the size of a small apple. <”Place this into the mechanism!”> I caught it, looking around for what he could have been referring to. The platform, roughly five meters across, had a small terminal-looking contraption by the wall. I rushed over and looked for where to put something shaped like this crystal I held and jammed it in. This was ancient technology, nothing related to anything I’d know. Thankfully, it was straightforward enough and as the terminal activated and took hold of the crystal’s power, the platform began to glow. Beneath our feat, a large disc of energy began to form.

    <”We can’t hold them!”> a wulven yelled from the crowd. Pell and Jackal immediately rushed forward, tackling a tulartar that had made his way onto the platform, threatening to ride up with us.

    <”No!”> I shouted, but it was no use. The platform began to lift us up, with Pell and Jackal remaining below.

    <”We’ll hold them down there! Just stay alive and finish this! Don’t make this all for nothing!”> Jackal shouted up at us as he and Pell began to team up on a tulartar. The chaos below was bloody and messy, as suits of armor fell to the ground with a clang and blood coated the floors thickly. The platform rose quickly, and now it was just the four of us. Holly held Azza, Oswald stood beside her, and I stood among them, still looking down as we quickly moved further and further away from two people who I had grown to call friends. Friends who I felt I would never see again. I dropped to my knees, my eyes filling with tears as I struggled to keep it together.

    Oswald placed his hand on my shoulder, and then used his free hand to help me up. <”Let’s go, Artemis. We aren’t finished yet. We have to keep going. They’re strong warriors. If they don’t make it, know that at the very least they’ll give every last one of them absolute hell.”>

    This wasn’t exactly reassuring, and it didn’t really help. I didn’t want to lose more people in my life. I was starting to feel like wherever I went, death followed. Why the hell was I on this island? Why was I involved in this war? And what was so special about Azza? I stood up, trying to collect myself, as the platform continued to rise. Though it rose quickly, it still took us minutes to reach the peak of our journey. As the platform slowed its ascent, our ride ended with a dome above us, encasing us in a small room with the glowing platform still beneath our feet. In front of us, a pair of doors stood shut with another terminal right beside them, different from the one that activated the platform.

    Oswald approached the doors, turning to the three of us. <”I suppose this is it. Whatever awaits on the other side of these doors, I’m glad I have you all with me. Let’s finish this.”>
    Last edited by SirArtemis; 01-10-16 at 10:37 PM.
    2011 Althy Winner - Most Realistic Character
    2016 Althy Winner - Best Contributor & Player of the Year (tie)

    Artemis Eburi Wiki Page
    Current Character Profile

    Solo Quests:
    Hidden Beneath The Canopy (75)
    Lost Loot of Lornius (74)

  2. #22
    Member
    EXP: 30,152, Level: 7
    Level completed: 40%, EXP required for next level: 4,848
    Level completed: 40%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,848
    GP
    4,365
    orphans's Avatar

    Name
    Azza "Sophia" Ambrose
    Age
    17
    Race
    Dovicarus (Cleansing One)
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    White to Gray
    Eye Color
    Maroon
    Build
    5'2 / 119lb
    Job
    Cleansing One

    View Profile
    The higher we rose the better I felt. By the time we neared the top I was able to stand on my own, albeit weakly, as Holly relinquished her hold upon me reluctantly. The glowing pad came to a stop with hardly a jolt and with nary a sound. Oswald gave us a once over and said something that sounded muffled to my ears. Then he pressed a button that had lit upon the terminal and soon the doors were hissing open.

    The body of a cattyan slumped through the opening and onto the pad with a wet thud as the stench of death filled the room and our senses. Everyone quickly had their weapons drawn and at the ready for a fight, but nothing came. Inspecting the cattyan, we could see the light was gone from its eyes while its face had been frozen into an expression of sudden surprise. A quick glance at its body was all anyone needed to see that a large portion of its abdomen had been torn away. Oswald moved out through the doorway first, followed closely by Artemis. Holly stayed beside me and allowed me to lean heavily upon her as we crossed the threshold together and into the hallway.

    Words failed me as I took in the sight of bodies smashed apart littering the corridor and leaving the floor a sticky red mess. The shallow gasps of those clinging to life could be heard as we moved steadily towards a pair of stone doors slightly ajar at the end of the arched hallway. It was hard to tell whether or not I was imagining the desperate pleas for help that echoed in my mind. As we neared the doors a large hand reached out along the floor, dripping blood, followed by labored grunting and the form of a terrified tulartar. Half of the beast's face was missing and it was clear it wouldn't live much longer. Barely had I finished my thought, the tulartar collapsed into a motionless pile.

    Oswald, Artemis, Holly and I paused together one last time at the door and exchanged brief looks to one another. I nodded that I was ready and Oswald forced the door heavy door open. The rest of us followed quickly and found ourselves in a great chamber with a stage that was raised a single step off the ground in the middle. Blue veins of mana crawled from along the walls down to the bloodied and body-littered floor towards the center of the room. All around us, glyphs and runes glowed and drifted about the air at random. In the very heart of the room upon the stage was the familiar figure of a woman in Akashiman robes with wolf-like ears and tail along with the wings and horns of my kind bathed in a cerulean pillar of light.

    <"Sakuya!"> A voice called out that wasn't mine. To my surprise, it was Holly who had yelled out the name.

    <"She cannot hear us now."> A form rose from the place it had been kneeling - so covered in gore and filth I had mistaken it for another dead body. With a flick of its left hand the grime clinging to the figure fell away to reveal a woman with tired brown eyes that glowed faintly. She too possessed the wings and horns of my kind while dressed in the traditional armor of crystals and woven metals. Somewhere in my mind, it reacted to the sight of this woman. I recognized her but from where I didn't know. Taking in her features more, I noted her exceedingly long ochre hair almost touching the blood upon the ground and remembrance flooded back: my Matriarch. The woman settled her eyes upon me and spoke with a voice that was soft yet imposing. <"We have little time left, Sister Azza - ">

    <"You've been playing us for fools, Mahana!"> Oswald shouted as he and Holly cut off my Matriarch and placed themselves between me and her with their weapons drawn. <"Artemis, get Azza out of here!">

    The glow in my Matriarch's eyes grew as she took a step forward towards us. <"Time is not allied with us. Move aside!">

    <"I don't know what you've done to Sakuya, but I know well enough what you did to us at Old Pretalia Castle!"> Holly yelled as she shifted her footing ever slightly. <"We'll hold Mahana here Artemis, take Azza away from here!">

    There was a moment of uncertainty in Artemis' movements as I could only imagine the thoughts going through his head. Looking past him and at my Matriarch, I could see that Holly's words had the woman casting a mournful gaze upon the two that opposed her. <"Forgive me for what I must do then. Of the promise I must break."> In less time than my eye could blink my Matriarch closed the distance between her and my two protectors while swinging her well worn maul. The sound of the weapon impacting one of Oswald's barriers was enough to send shock waves through the chamber.

    Before I knew what was happening, Artemis had grabbed one of my hands with one of his. One that was no longer covered by the strange gloves and outfit he wore - damaged and torn as all our armor and clothing was. In that single instant I could feel the touch of my kind upon him. It was faint, but there was no mistaking it. <"Artemis, we can't run. This is the only chance we have to set things right. Trust me, please!">
    Last edited by orphans; 01-10-16 at 10:53 PM.
    Current Adventures:
    None

    Party:
    None

    Recently Done:
    Following...
    Perspective...
    Price...
    Songs...
    He Who Waits...
    Matriarch's...

  3. #23
    Hand of Virtue
    EXP: 87,799, Level: 12
    Level completed: 84%, EXP required for next level: 2,201
    Level completed: 84%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,201
    GP
    16,708
    SirArtemis's Avatar

    Name
    Artemis Eburi
    Age
    28
    Race
    Human (+ Dovicarus)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Dark Brown and Gray
    Eye Color
    Piercing Blue
    Build
    5'8"
    Job
    Smith

    After all that had transpired, this was the culmination. This was the climax. This was the peak of all that I had gone through over the past months on this strange island. You’d think I would have spent some time deliberating, but quite frankly, I saw two options and one lead to a quicker conclusion. If I took Azza and left as Oswald and Holly wanted, where would we go? We’d probably die anyway. At least whatever these creatures wanted – the one in a trance and the one fighting the old pair – it may actually bring an end to all this shit going on.

    <”Just tell me what to do.”> I said with an exasperated sigh. I think I had almost entered the stage of acceptance of my death at this point.

    <”The platform – we need to get to the platform!”> She pointed, rushing forward and me following.

    <”No! What are you doing!”> Oswald screamed, noticing that we were running forward. In his desperation, he lost his focus for just a moment to launch an attack at us, and in that moment Mahana took advantage. Her war maul struck downward into Oswald’s shoulder, shattering his bones and causing the blast of mana he had launched toward us to strike the wall beyond us.

    <”Oswald!”> Holly shouted in horror. She didn’t hesitate and struck toward Mahana, but her movements were too slow and Mahana quickly moved away.

    <”Enough Holly!”> Mahana replied, stepping away and lowering her weapon just enough to show Holly that she didn’t mean to fight. Meanwhile, Azza and I had reached the platform.

    Azza hopped onto the platform and I followed. As had become customary for me at that point, I didn’t ask questions. She approached the entranced creature and clasped hands with her. <”Come on, give me your hand, and grab hers to make a circle with me,”> Azza said, reaching out to me. Seeing no other choice, I did as she asked.

    The moment our hands joined, a flood of images poured into me, as though memories of the land itself. Words appeared in front of my mind along with a voice, echoing as lush landscapes flashed vividly. <”I’ll explain in due time, but for now, sing along with us.”>
    Last edited by SirArtemis; 01-10-16 at 10:25 AM.
    2011 Althy Winner - Most Realistic Character
    2016 Althy Winner - Best Contributor & Player of the Year (tie)

    Artemis Eburi Wiki Page
    Current Character Profile

    Solo Quests:
    Hidden Beneath The Canopy (75)
    Lost Loot of Lornius (74)

  4. #24
    Member
    EXP: 30,152, Level: 7
    Level completed: 40%, EXP required for next level: 4,848
    Level completed: 40%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,848
    GP
    4,365
    orphans's Avatar

    Name
    Azza "Sophia" Ambrose
    Age
    17
    Race
    Dovicarus (Cleansing One)
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    White to Gray
    Eye Color
    Maroon
    Build
    5'2 / 119lb
    Job
    Cleansing One

    View Profile
    The moment our hands became linked, my awareness of the world was at once amplified and strangely connected to even the tiniest change. The world outside our circle of light sped backwards in a dizzying flurry of colors and faces as the sounds of howling winds, rustling leave, chirps of bird and insects in a heat haze all blended together. As the noise that accompanied the countless changes of seasons rushed through my mind, it pulled along memories that I could only guess to be those of the two that stood with me, threatening to drown us in a maelstrom of doubt and old misgivings.

    <"Focus, Sister Azza, on the present."> Sakuya's voice echoed in my mind as runes and glyphs of old around us pulled themselves together and arranged in order quickly - words to a song. The script was ancient and I could only make out pieces and yet I grasped their meaning in their entirety all the same. It was a song that didn't require understanding, one that simply drew upon raw emotions. How fitting for a man running from his mistakes, a woman overflowing with too many should-haves, and me a heretic who threw away all I knew to seek freedom.

    Sakuya was first to sing and when she did her voice rang out with unparalleled clarity. The sounds reverberated through the room just as another shudder shook and made the structure tremble. Artemis was next to join in with his voice wavering momentarily only to burst forth with the gusto of any Salvarian mountain lumberman, belting out the words of an unfamiliar tongue to him with little difficulty. Then I joined in. I didn't know when it was appropriate to, but the surging feelings inside my heart told me all that I needed to know.

    Light flooded my sight and it became hard to see anything that was happening beyond an arm's length. Somehow I understood then what had befallen this forsaken land, torn asunder by the betrayal of a few and the furious hatred that was wrought by the wronged. Reason took hold too late and the generations after were made to suffer the actions of their ancestors. As the years passed, truth was lost and tragedy simply repeated itself in the name of justice, over and over again.

    As our voices harmonized as one, our memories all began to blend together to the point where I no longer recognized what was mine and what was another's. Our wishes, regardless of what we were as beings or what we had experienced throughout our lives were the same. All of the senseless death, misery and sorrow, culminated to our single unified desire for peace.

    The song came to an end and in that single moment of silence that followed, time held no meaning.



    For anyone.
    Last edited by orphans; 01-28-16 at 05:20 PM.
    Current Adventures:
    None

    Party:
    None

    Recently Done:
    Following...
    Perspective...
    Price...
    Songs...
    He Who Waits...
    Matriarch's...

  5. #25
    Hand of Virtue
    EXP: 87,799, Level: 12
    Level completed: 84%, EXP required for next level: 2,201
    Level completed: 84%,
    EXP required for next level: 2,201
    GP
    16,708
    SirArtemis's Avatar

    Name
    Artemis Eburi
    Age
    28
    Race
    Human (+ Dovicarus)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Dark Brown and Gray
    Eye Color
    Piercing Blue
    Build
    5'8"
    Job
    Smith

    The moment it ended, the walls around us had vanished and left us standing atop an open roof of sorts with the warm sun beating down upon our faces through clear skies. Despite the indescribable height, somehow it was still unexpectedly warm. Holly kneeled beside Oswald, cradling him with a look of regret plastered upon her face. Sakuya, the other voice of our trio, went over to soothe her. Meanwhile, Azza walked over to the edge and stood beside Mahana, and I joined. The three of us looked out on the land, almost like gods from that height, with the entire landscape transformed into fields of green. Paths I had taken to get to this place looked as foreign to me now as they did the first time through.

    Just two weeks later, I found myself sitting among those who remained of our group amidst the ruins of Arfezeria not far from the base of that very tower, reflecting on that bizarre moment. That’s all the time that had passed since we stood atop that massive structure, singing away tragedy.

    Soon after the events at the tower, Mahana had teleported us down to the base of the massive structure, where the fighting had ceased. Empty suits of armor and clothing lay about everywhere from the ethereal creatures, whom I deduced had vanished. Everyone else had stopped fighting. All those who had even a sliver of life left within them had miraculously healed, yet those who had died remained so. One of those was Oswald, and another was Jackal. Pell, though he had been on his dying breath, now stood holding Jackal’s body in his arms. The glow had left his eyes, though now there was a distinct sadness that remained even as we sat side by side weeks later. I had found out that Maybel and Inta had also passed from this life when their position had been overwhelmed; Erieai had been the only one to survive long enough for reinforcements to arrive, and even then only by detonating the MGP at the expense of most of her left arm, leaving a stub at the elbow.

    News had been circulating quickly about the changes of the island of Se’lutia. The human lands to the east, Seoyruun, had transformed from snow to lush meadows, fields, and forests full of wildlife – very confused wildlife for that matter. To the west, the beastlands of Roncoro had remained mostly unchanged, though the coastline seemed calmer and the temperature felt a bit cooler compared to their typical sweltering humidity. Arfezeria, where we sat now, seemed to have immediately gone from gloomy and dark to vibrant and full of life.

    “I imagine you’ll be heading back to Corone soon then Artemis?” Pell asked tentatively.

    “Once I figure out how to do so, yes. I think this adventure has reached its end. It’s time for me to go home. I have friends who are likely very worried about my abrupt disappearance.” I looked back at Pell, chancing a glance at Erieai as well who despite her losses, literal and figurative, still seemed to have that sharpness to her.

    “I’ll get you passage back myself,” the eluvian woman answered. “I have a small crew and a ship that will get us there quickly with no trouble. Just let me know when you’re ready to go.”

    I nodded with a smile, not saying anything more. As I looked past the eluvian I saw Azza, Holly, and Sakuya walking toward our group. “Artemis, may I have a word?” Sakuya asked me. I turned my head in confusion, but shrugged and stood up to join her.

    As Sakuya and I wandered off, leaving Azza and Holly with Pell and Erieai for the time being, I thought back on that moment I stood beside Mahana and Azza upon that tower. I had felt an urge to ask “what now?” but I knew there was no point. What lay before this land was an unknown, and the same could be said for myself. All I knew was that my time here had finally come to an end. And truthfully, I was immensely grateful for that. I just wanted this all to be over.

    “Artemis, I have to tell you something.” Sakuya turned to me, a serious look upon her face. “It’s about your mother.”
    Last edited by SirArtemis; 01-10-16 at 11:01 AM.
    2011 Althy Winner - Most Realistic Character
    2016 Althy Winner - Best Contributor & Player of the Year (tie)

    Artemis Eburi Wiki Page
    Current Character Profile

    Solo Quests:
    Hidden Beneath The Canopy (75)
    Lost Loot of Lornius (74)

  6. #26
    Member
    EXP: 30,152, Level: 7
    Level completed: 40%, EXP required for next level: 4,848
    Level completed: 40%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,848
    GP
    4,365
    orphans's Avatar

    Name
    Azza "Sophia" Ambrose
    Age
    17
    Race
    Dovicarus (Cleansing One)
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    White to Gray
    Eye Color
    Maroon
    Build
    5'2 / 119lb
    Job
    Cleansing One

    View Profile
    It's hard to believe that two weeks had already passed since that day atop the tower of Arfezeria. The city had become a true ruin over night as the miasma of gloom lifted from the cursed ground. Life returned to the dead land in the form of greenery as vines and plants moved quickly to reclaim the white cobbled stones of the city.

    Peace, however fragile, had come to Se'lutia. Looking back on the events, it was nothing short of a miracle that the fighting even stopped. I had a sneaking suspicion that there was more to the effects of the song we sang than purely the rejuvenation of the land and the stopping of the past colliding with our present. Sakuya would smile whenever I asked and answered only with silence or an observation about new life springing up all around us.

    I noticed that I had changed much with this journey as well. No longer did I feel sudden surges of anger nor did I hesitate too much anymore from being unsure of my purpose. I no longer hear the whispers of my older self and in its place I feel a calm that I've never known. It's strange to look back and see how much I had forgotten about my kind, about myself, and the promise I made so long ago to a landbound to defy fate. I suppose, living as I do now, I'm able to keep that promise to defy fate in my own way.

    My Matriarch, Besal, had her attention required by the masses the moment we touched our feet upon the ground of Arfezeria with Artemis. To them, she was Mahana. She was their Goddess returned after nearly two millennia of suffering and war. Despite that, she was able to steal away briefly to have a few words with me, asking if I wanted to return to our home realm of Vyanm. My refusal shocked her, however she smiled when I told her that there was more I needed to learn here on Althanas. That it was my new home for now and that I have people waiting.

    <"Are you alright, Sister Azza?"> Sakuya's voice brought my focus and mind back to the present as she, Holly and I walked slowly under the dappled light of the sun and between the gravestones as a warm wind rustled the newly grown leaves overhead. I didn't really understand why Besal chose the areas around Arfezeria as the place for graves. It was fitting I suppose, as a way to remind the two nations upon the island of what happened here.

    I gave a look to Sakuya and a small nod of confirmation before looking ahead again. <"Yes. Have you heard anything from Matriarch Besal?">

    Sakuya chuckled and spread her arms a little to gesture to the graves. <"She is mediating talks between those of Seoyruun and Roncoro. The leaders of both countries are in attendance.">

    <"I wonder if she'll really be able to make them listen. Her name is Besal though, not Mahana?"> Holly asked as she strolled along with us. A tired look clung to her eyes despite seeming younger than before. Even the grey in her hair was gone. Noticing my glance she offered a smile of reassurance. For the greater part of the past two weeks Holly and Sakuya spent untold hours conversing, stopping only for food, rest, or when someone wanted to pay their respects to a Skalu. What they talked about I could only guess, but whatever it was, it seemed to have brought the two closer.

    <"Yes, she has had many names, but that is the one she was hatched with."> Coming around a bend, we caught sight of Pell, Erieai and Artemis sitting upon a bench perched upon a small hill looking towards the tower of Arfezeria. <"There they are."> As we approached, they greeted us and we returned the gesture before Sakuya looked to Artemis. "Artemis, may I have a word?" A perplexed look settled on his face, but he shrugged and stood to join her. As the two wandered down the path and away, Holly and I settled down with Pell and Erieai.

    The four of us sat in silence looking out over the landscape of Arfezeria for how long I didn't know. Below were others who were also paying their respects to the fallen or perhaps a loved one. An ever present and gentle breeze swayed the fresh grass in waves and cooled those who weren't accustomed yet to the new warmth of the land.

    "I'm going to miss them." Pell was the first to speak as he looked over a pair of eluvians kneeling before a grave in the distance. "Jackal and Maybel. Inta too."

    "Yeah, I'm going to miss Jackal's stupid laugh and Maybel's badgering. Inta was a good girl. Helpful with research those weeks before all this happened." Erieai looked to her left arm with her usual expression of annoyance before staring out to the remains of the city. "Sure got our work cut out for us though."

    Holly nodded her head as she touched a hand to a locket around her neck - the same one I had seen Oswald take out once when he thought he was alone in the barracks. "Eyes ahead. They all fought for their own beliefs, for better or worse, and it's up to us now to try and make sure past mistakes don't happen again."

    "Right, speaking of mistakes, I'd better make sure that ship is ready to go - everything's been a mess with all the recent changes," Erieai said as she rose with a stretch. "Hells, we don't even have bridges for all the thawed waterways and rivers."

    "Need any help?" Pell asked as he stood without waiting for a response. There was a grin on Erieai's face as she just offered her hand for him to take.

    We watched the couple tread down the path and out of sight, leaving the two of us on the bench to watch those below. Glancing over to Holly, I opened my mouth to speak and saw that she was doing the same. Both of us stopped and let out a laugh. "You first," she said finally after a moment.

    "I just wanted to say thank you for always being there for me. Even now, on a strange land away from Corone, you managed to find me."

    Holly chuckled again as she leaned back on the bench. "Not so strange for me, having called this place home once."

    "Why did you come back here, Holly? I mean, it can't have just been for me."

    Holly nodded her head slowly as she breathed out a sigh. "For closure, I suppose. I was terrified that I'd lose you to the same land where I lost my daughter and to see a husband that I abandoned. I never imagined things would end up this way nor did I think I'd learn so much about myself."

    I nodded in agreement and offered a smile to her. "I'm guessing you've learned much from talking with Sakuya?"

    Holly closed her eyes as a smile spread across her features. "Yes, you could say that. Things I thought I no longer cared about and things I never expected to find out."

    Whatever it was she learned I didn't want to press her for answers. Those were her secrets and if she wanted to share, then she would in time. Instead, I thought about what Holly had said about having our eyes ahead. "What do you plan to do now?"

    "I've still a few loose ends to tie up here. Once those are done, it'll be back to Underwood for me." Laughing, she looked to me with a playful grin. "I dare say, Jared must have had his fill with taking care of the orphanage by now and I did promise the children I'd return. What about yourself?"

    Staring out over the scenery I motioned to the surroundings. "I'm staying for a while. There's still a lot I need to learn about and I would like to help continue healing this land."

    <"Holly, Azza?"> We both turned to see Sakuya returning without Artemis. <"The treaty is signed and a celebratory feast is being prepared. Everyone is gathering, will you two be coming?"> Holly and I exchanged a brief look before we stood to join Sakuya. She smiled to us and held out her hands for us to take. <"Let's not keep them waiting.">




    ~Fin~
    Last edited by orphans; 01-10-16 at 10:59 PM.
    Current Adventures:
    None

    Party:
    None

    Recently Done:
    Following...
    Perspective...
    Price...
    Songs...
    He Who Waits...
    Matriarch's...

  7. #27
    Lyre-Bearer
    EXP: 57,929, Level: 10
    Level completed: 36%, EXP required for next level: 7,071
    Level completed: 36%,
    EXP required for next level: 7,071
    GP
    6,755
    Philomel's Avatar

    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    28
    Race
    faun
    Gender
    female
    Hair Color
    violet (dyed)
    Eye Color
    grey
    Build
    6ft / 156kg
    Job
    Matriarch (Gilded Lily, Feminist Guild)

    View Profile
    Thread Title: Matriarch’s Wish
    Judgment Type: Full Rubric
    Participants: Orphans and Sir Artemis



    Plot: 20/30

    • Story- 7/10


    Both: Since this is a story complex and has many others that link in I spent time going back and reading them. I had no questions over the issues or the general plot of the story, not getting confused at any point and I could see where the ideas came from. Structurally it was very sound, though I would say perhaps that more emphasis could be placed on the personal conflicts of your characters altogether. The rise in action, with the great whispered beginning and the moments of tension had me gripped and it was very well written.

    • Setting- 6/10


    Both: I must say I was slightly lost by setting. It would have been good to get a really firm view of it from the outset, but instead more emphasis on the characters themselves. What I did appreciate is the use of the ‘reflection setting’ technique, in making the setting reflect the thoughts and ideas of the people involved - the blank open landscape that is ready for a story to be woven upon, with the many people involved.

    Orphans: I did love your opening post, but something about, “coming back here” that you mention could have been made stronger with a larger description of the place she was coming back to. Else, in the piece you weave together a rough idea of what is around them, with “snow covered lands” but definitely you could work on this area.

    SirArtemis: The idea of snow was stronger from the outset for you and I felt more of an idea from your pieces in terms of what the setting was.


    • Pacing- 7/10


    Both: All I really have to say here is that the structure and the general feel of the piece was very well paced. I felt the tension come in with quickening of the paragraphing. I would suggest more use of ‘action’ type sentences in some places, where dialogue becomes heavy, visually speaking, but else this is proven to be balanced well (posts 21 and 22 until the end).




    Character: 21/30

    • Communication- 6/10


    Orphans: Communication here is consistent throughout in tone and character, and you go so far as to use expletives (<"Run!"> post 6) in particularly tense times. There are some scenes that lack communication to a lesser degree than others, but these actually work well. You have a clear balance of what needs to be said, when and where. One area to develop on would be to work perhaps on balancing the communication outwith the personal thoughts, as you are very persona dominant within the character spectrum.

    SirArtemis: You mix international communication well with the physical ones, defining each voice with a personal style. The communication is more or less consistent in this piece, with the only exception being perhaps the times of confusion as to where it is Maybel translating or the tulartar speaking himself. This is more of a clarity issue, but it is useful to consider it when thinking about voice. Is this is a direct translation or that actually of a translated version in the tone of Maybel?


    • Action-7/10


    Orphans: Your actions to the majority seem to be well thought of and accurately described, acting in a way that seems good to the situation. You use the ‘modern’ machinery well for your situation, though despite this (see post 12 in particular) you have a wide generalisation for your actions, with no real direct sense of personality. Try using things like personal habits, small movements or ways of saying things that act as individualisation for your character.

    Sir Artemis: SImilar to orphans I would have liked to see more habitual movements/actions to your character, but what you have as a base is really good. In post 15 you especially have action that defines the situation well: “I was covered in blood; all I know is that it wasn’t my own” giving an idea to the reader of the atmosphere as well as what your character is particularly thinking at that time.

    • Persona- 8/10


    Orphans: Your sense of persona is immensely strong, right from the outset. Your use of the first person voice, and the thoughts integrated within these particularly hold your character as one who can be recognised as a real person, with her own spoken thoughts – but in no way does this become jarring. You successfully write persona into the tale without upsetting the general flow of writing, and to be honest this is possibly one of the best persona uses I have seen.

    Sir Artemis: In general you in like hold a good sense of persona through use of first person and with comments about your character in terms of how they react to each scenario. As the tension builds you sometimes do concentrate more on communication, and a good reflection on persona could help here, but with personal thought you do carry this area well.



    Prose: 23/30

    • Mechanics- 9/10


    Orphans: With an excellent use of punctuation throughout, with hyphens ( -blood- post 18) to make particular points of description, and no noticeable spelling mistakes, your mechanics here are extremely well done.

    Sir Artemis: Overall your mechanics are great. A couple of times, however, there are moments where you do make mistakes in punctuation, such as in post 16 with ‘Staring at me, it nodded once. <"If you’ where your ‘.’ should be a ‘,’. No discernable spelling errors and else, great use of mechanics made this a steady read.


    • Clarity-7/10


    One main issue of clarity to raise to both of you is in terms of the language. It was not clear until Sir Artemis’ post 15, in this particular thread, that the communication written thusly: “<>” was in a foreign language - not common. I recognise that in the previous threads this is made more obvious with reference to the language itself, but it could be mistaken for internal mental communication.

    Orphans: Overall your clarity was good, there was little confusion and no back reading that needed to be done. One remark that could be made is your use of various races, that, on a single read, may be confusing to the unknowing reader, however this is just something to consider for future threads.

    Sir Artemis: Very well done here. No further comments, it was all clear and precise.

    • Technique- 7/10


    Oprhans: Using such things as sound (“The shallow gasps of those clinging to life could be heard” post 22) you really use technique well to bring your story to the reader’s attention. Weaving it with a great use of adjectives you continue a good tale starting earlier in the sequence, bringing in a theme of blood and the overall wolf-pack “den mother” idea. What I would encourage, however, is further use of metaphor and more imagery that would bring more awareness to the piece.

    SirArtemis: Certainly you have a good grasp of technique, using it to punch your scenery and action with effect. At some points it seems almost too simple, however,and could be improved upon to some respects. For instance in post 21, “Blood was seeping out of me from countless cuts” you could describe how precisely the blood is seeping out, what colour it was like etc. Add more effects to your piece with further adjectives, and this would make it improve. (Overall though, you had a really great intelligence in your technique).



    Wildcard: 6/10

    For being awesome and writing so much that follows in a great tale. I loved reading all these threads and am excited about the next few!



    Final Score: 70/100 and 67/100

    Orphans receives:

    • 2095 EXP!
    • 200 GP!

    Congratulations!

    SirArtemis receives:

    • 2130EXP!
    • 170 GP

    Congratulations!
    "Tol. Mela. Othor." "Versh. Sai. Memnae." Come. Love. Conquer. - Philomel in Tolkein Sindarin, Faunish and Tradespeak

    Very grateful winner of 2015 Althies Awards: Friendliest Member, Mrs Althanas, Best IC Rivalry (with Doge), Best Judge and Most Helpful/Friendly Mod and Admin Award of Moderator of the Year.

  8. #28
    Deliver Us
    EXP: 69,763, Level: 11
    Level completed: 40%, EXP required for next level: 7,237
    Level completed: 40%,
    EXP required for next level: 7,237
    GP
    0
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Gold
    Build
    6'0", 155lbs
    Job
    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

    View Profile

    Thumbs up

    All EXP and GP have been added!

    Althanas Operations Administrator



    "When we were young, was this the dream we had? We're celebrating nothing. We need to find our way back."

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •