Thread Title: Stress Relief
Judgment Type: Condescened Rubric
Participants: Ioder, Antheurin, Shinsou Vaan Osiris
Plot:
Ioder: 21/30
Antheurin: 20/30
Shinsou Vaan Osiris: 19/30
Ioder: With opening the thread you constructed an unusual and beautiful arena. You certainly have a knack for such things and added a great introduction to what turned out to be an exciting thread. You used your advantage as an angel well, flying from place to place whilst your opponents were forced to walk. Overall you used pacing well and told of a good fight with amazing plot use of your abilities (the memory cage post 12), however your posts could be done with a little more depth. Though you state that you do keep posts in battle short there were some moments when things seemed a little too staccato and cut off. Trying keeping the pace steady.
Antheurin: You had an excellent opening and grabbed the reader’s attention from the outset. In terms of story you successfully wove a strong tale together, something that had plot and effort clearly put in. You had more to a battle than simply a fight. You used the setting well, using the corridors between the parts of the stairs cleverly and your own character’s abilities. As a new character you took on a great challenge facing these two giants and you did considerably well with good terms of pacing. At times your actions can be somewhat confusing (post 8, for instance) and needed back-reading for the reader, but this is only a minor issue. More or less great work.
Shinsou Vaan Osiris: With the use of a previous fight woven into your first post you began strongly, and used the idea of battle as a continuous drive for yourself. You could have kept this emphasis up, however, making more reference to it. Aside from this you used your ‘ability words’ in a great way to style your piece. You took and gave blows well, and wove an excellent story, however one thing you could have done was refer to your earlier fight at the very end in your conclusion. Overall, well done though.
Character:
Ioder: 21/30
Antheurin: 18/30
Shinsou Vaan Osiris: 21/30
Ioder: Your character has definitely changed across the levels, and you make reference to this to an extent. Using reference also to Ioder’s position as Judgement in the Tarot you manage to strengthen the idea of character and reveal a creature of darkness and passion through your actions and abilities. There is a great sense of physicality within your piece, with the wings - however beyond the use of action and a brooding darkness (especially as hinted at with the end of Post 21 “…I'll not stand for it…”) and talking to yourself, you could make some use of internal thought, direct and indirect and consideration to the general scene.
Antheurin: Though you had the fewest posts in this threads there was definitely a sense of character that you built. More work could be done in general into your communication and persona, however your use of first person did reveal some things. In post 20 also, when caught in the memory sphere you wrote well reference to a past, and I would encourage more use of this in future in building your character as you level.
Shinsou Vaan Osiris: You had direct internal thought with “There’s some sort of barrier or armour there protecting him” in post 17 which interacted with the general plot itself. Your character is a developed one, with the introduction split between Telgradia and Althanas, however more reference to this would have made your persona stronger. Action was simple to follow, however more balance with communication could help this. Overall, however, clear and you added a sense of personality to them, something that is difficult to do.
Prose:
Ioder: 19/30
Antheurin: 19/30
Shinsou Vaan Osiris: 23/30
Ioder: By opening the whole thread you set a dramatic and beautiful described setting. You continued to a similar strength throughout the piece, with a couple of uses of imagery which were particularly strong, such as references to a demon. You do at times have problems with spelling, (“dissapoint” where it should be “disappoint”, post 21) but a spellcheck can help here. Overall very well arranged and good punctuation.
Antheurin: You have an excellent grasp of writing ability. I was impressed by your use of words and intriguing punctuation (semi-colon use in post 21). Description could, in terms of technique, be made more explosive and encouragement is made here to experiment a little more. Please see plot for mentions on clarity.
Shinsou Vaan Osiris: For the majority of this thread you were exceedingly clear in your writing. Mechanics was also done well with no noticeable spelling errors, though in future I would encourage you to break up some of your larger paragraphs. Description in general was excellently done, with some great details of the setting and part of your action. You could do with more use of metaphor, however overall very good.
Wildcard:
All: 6/10
Overall I was impressed by this piece in terms of how well you all worked together. You all took and gave blows and used what was given to you beautiful.
The scores were very close:
Final Score:
Ioder: 67/100
Antheurin: 62/100
Shinsou Vaan Osiris: 69/100
SHINSOU WINS!!! (just)
Shinsou Vaan Osiris receives:
- 2590 EXP!
- 125 GP!
Ioder receives:
- 750EXP!
- 120 GP!
Antheruin receives:
- 750EXP!
- 50GP!
A blank piece of paper is God’s way of telling us how hard it to be God.
– Sidney Sheldon
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