The First Day (Closed to Invite) Rated Aure

[Lye]

Like tinder caught flame, her fire returned. Lye felt a rush of swell in his chest and through his veins as his puppet's sharp tongue returned. That mark, her eyes, something connected the two and it thrilled him. This woman wasn't just some discarded trash on the street, she was more. The more he learned, the more he wanted her wrapped around his finger.

"There it is..." He dragged out in hushed tones. "And you do like it..."

Her nails dug into his skin, causing him to inhale through his clenched teeth. A fire of desire laced through his body and prickled his skin. Only on day, and she began to become his.

Or so he thought.

Her sudden return of strength took him by surprise. She jerked his arms, and his balance thrust forward. Lye caught himself on the rim of the tub, avoiding a damp evening until he kicked him away. Body and grip failed, cascading beside her with a slosh of water washing over him. Interest, entertainment, and desire faded to cold, familiar black. Emerald eyes lit ablaze as he shot a glance to Amari and a rolling cackle erupted from him.

"Such fight," he growled. His clawed grip tensed against the damp wooden floor. Platinum locks matted to his face, motes of washed off cum peppering its length. As the steam rose from the water, it looked as if boiling off his heated skin. He pushed up, and wasted no time returning the favor.

Like a monster of inhuman speed, he snapped a hand against her throat. The assassin rose, lifting her from the water and cascading the tub aside. A kneed quickly planted into her stomach, temporarily bringing her parallel to the ground. Her breath fled her lungs with a gasped cry. She tried to mouth another reply, hands clawing at his iron grip and a weak moan escaped her constricted throat.

"Now!" he roared like a demon embodied of the seventh sin. His might bore down on her, slamming Amari into the ground with a wet slap.

"I will break you!" Lye planted his boot into the mid of her back with a fierce kick.

He reached down and grabbed her by the arms. The lean of his muscles tightened his marred skin as he raised her up and charged her against the wall. He pinned her and brought his uniquely hardened skull against hers with a hollow crack. The sharp pain of the blow registered a rush of adrenaline, and he looked upon her with an unsettling snarl.

"I have half a reason to bring every last one of them back in here to defile you until your limbs are broken, hips fractured, and jaw unhinged!"

He slammed her against the logged wall, grip tightening.

"I offer you reward," his hand came across her face with a sharp slap. "And you have the gall to test my strength?!"

"Didn't... you want... fire?" she rasped with lips attempting to turn upward.

Lye's teeth clenched, but his lips turned into a frighting smile. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as a chill surged down his spine.

"Just... Giving you what you want..." She muttered between gasps of air.

He wanted her, right there. Still bare, partially cleansed, and near the brink of consciousness, he wanted her. His body ached, his mind screaming to kill her, but his curiosity devoted to making her something more. Her resistance, fight, and lack of fear despite his efforts... he wanted it. Like a wick aflame, trapped in the glass cage of a lantern, he wanted her broken, but alive as she was in this very moment.

"Yes," he laughed. He pressed his body against hers and firmly against the wall. His hips pushed into her, a stiffness in his loins and lips neared her ear. "Give me everything."

She tilted her head to the side, inhaling sharply through clenched teeth.

Amari's body, despite being battered and bruised, seemed to almost welcome the interaction. Her back arched, pressing erect nipples into his wet skin - lips parting as she gave quiet sounds of subdued pleasure. Lye's hand snaked up to her throat, fingers tracing under her spidersilk collar to the back of her head. Amari's breath quaked.

"But you've had enough today," his whisper came. Lye's finger's undid the clasp, pulling off her collar and pushing himself off her. He threw the black, lace choker to the far side of the room as she slid down the wall and collapsed. The assassin stormed over to his attire, fetching it from the puddles of bath water. Without another word, he stepped toward the door and walked through its as though an apparition.

Winter winds bit fiercely at his heated skin and tempered his desire for the girl within. He ground his teeth as nature's whip lashed mercilessly against his damp body. Lye turned toward the door and slid an iron bolt across, preventing Amari's escape. He snapped a lock which dangled shut, preventing his men from taking what was his.

Then, with a heated breath as a cloud from his lips, he waded through icy powder toward his longhouse.

Day one had concluded.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Judgment

Story: 20

I would like to start by addressing the highly risqué tone of this thread. My honest feelings are that you could have achieved the same high-intensity feel without half of the x-rated material, and I do have a point to make on this later, but at the same time I also felt that the work you did between you to put over to the reader the sheer audacity of Lye and the Crimson Hand here was very, very good.

You delivered an engrossing, brutal tale that was thoroughly enjoyable as a ‘stand-alone’ thread, one that I would describe as grungy and one that really gave the reader an insight into the cruelty that Lye and, by extension, the Crimson Hand are capable of. Posts three and four were the introductory example of such, with Jeoffrey being used as a device to both send a message to his debtor father and also break down Amari’s will. On this though, I do have one complaint. Whilst the situation was well utilized, I felt that Jeoffrey’s emotions twisted from utter fear of his impending death to calm acceptance far too quickly. It came across as a little artificial, effecting pacing a little, but this served only as a minor obstacle. The rest of the plot centers mostly on Lye trying to break down Amari into something sub-human, with Amari reeling from the guilt of killing Jeoffrey throughout. This was executed superbly right up to the end, with various sexual encounters and the dominance / submission theme delivering a message to the reader that Lye is in full control, attempting to turn Amari into his plaything. However, I would have liked to know more about how Amari came into contact with Lye and how this situation had developed into what it did. Perhaps there will be more to come on that.

The way you both used the setting for this story worked well and I appreciated how Lye and Amari reacted within their separate and rather distinct worlds and roles. Everything in the story came across as dark, dank, grungy and the environment I imagined paralleled that perfectly. From the use of the shackles and chains to the contrast between the Crimson Hand’s throne room and Amari’s dank, derelict prison. I’ve said before that writers sometimes spend so much time crafting the setting in their posts that they forget to actually interact with it, but you did well to ensure that wasn’t the case here and throughout there was a healthy balance between interaction and description.


Character: 22

The most enjoyable part about this thread was the contrast between the characters and just how well they were portrayed by each writer.
If someone who didn’t know Lye’s character read this thread, almost every nuance, every line of dialogue and action that he took would be consistent with the type of person he is – controlling, hedonistic, intelligent and brutal. Truly he came across as a man to be feared, the only type of person capable of leading a faction such as the Crimson Hand. My complaints are limited to the sheer volume of sensitive material you used as a part of portraying Lye’s darkest side, rather than the actual application of it, as I still firmly believe you could have achieved the same shock factor without the overkill. That said, no-one should have been left in any sort of doubt at the end of the thread as to the kind of person Lye is.

Lye’s contrast here is, of course, Amari. Her dialogue, her actions and the way she tries to deal with her situation are all consistent with what I would expect from someone I her situation. I did feel towards the end (around about post nine) that Amari was starting to suffer from Stockholme Syndrome, so if this was intentional then you achieved your goal here and this served as a brilliant bit of character development. Again, as with Lye, my complaints are about the volume of x-rated material you used and I still firmly believe you could have achieved the same shock factor without as much of it.

Turning for a moment to Amari herself; as a new character on Althanas I believe she is a character with a lot of hidden dynamics to explore and some (but not all) of those extra layers got a chance to shine through here. Getting the reader inside your character’s head requires good communication but also exploration of those subtle nuances that make him or her stand out. What I did see of her fit the overall picture I got of her through your writing but I still feel there is a lot more to come.


Prose: 18

Between you both there were a number of mechanical issues of varying severity. On Lye’s part, the odd typo crept in to the writing and I suspect this is more to do with the pace at which the thread progressed. They didn’t spoil the flow of the read too much, though. On Mari’s, I found quite a few spelling and grammatical errors which interrupted the pace of my read threw me off, meaning I had to re-read sentences to fully understand what was happening. Again, to a degree I can understand why this happened because the thread moved along very quickly, but it wouldn’t hurt to run your work through a spell-check to eliminate as many “silly” errors as you can (things like typos, sentence fragmentation and grammatical hiccups that would usually be picked up in Word).

Speaking as a reader on this occasion, I thought the overall technique you both employed was fantastic. I could really visualize every small detail of each event. Lye, you have a natural gift for bringing everything to life with your vivid descriptions and you gave this thread the texture it deserved with some of your more potent devices.

Like tinder caught flame, her fire returned. Lye felt a rush of swell in his chest and through his veins as his puppet's sharp tongue returned. That mark, her eyes, something connected the two and it thrilled him. This woman wasn't just some discarded trash on the street, she was more. The more he learned, the more he wanted her wrapped around his finger.

This was fantastic to read and this particular quote was one of many sections I could quote.

You both made the thread feel grungy, dark and very atmospheric. I should also commend Mari here for her work as well; though some of your writing contained mechanical errors, the actual technique you employed to pull the reader in and keep them gripped on what is actually happening shows great promise indeed. At no point did I ever feel confused about what was happening and nor was I becoming bored, although perhaps I would advise using far-less sexual imagery as overuse here actually dampened the overall effect.


Wildcard: 6

This thread served a purpose and I believe the story, laced with dark and adult undertones, was delivered well. Whilst there was a controversial air hanging around the content, one which I suspect may open a few debates about the ‘censorship glass ceiling’, as a piece of writing it nailed the shock and awe objective well. However I simply believe there was too much sexual content – not in a PC sense, but in the sense that additional material seemed overwhelming to the actual writing. Nevertheless, a good job by both of you.


Final score: 66


Lye receives 970 EXP and 80 GP!

Mari receives 485 EXP and 70 GP!

Congratulations!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards added!